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How to convince your 81 year old mum to come and visit

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Have you thought about visiting your mum rather than her visiting you ?


Buy a man eat fish. The Day, Teach Man, to lifetime.      - Joe Biden.

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I'm sure you could fly with your Mum to make it easier and see how she manages to give you all an idea

I really hope you can solve this dilema for your family to be all happy wherever you end up

 

Thanks Howard, I think that is definitely an option although I'd make sure mum was in Business, part of her issue is the practicalities about finding her gate, the transfer etc... If she flew with us then they go away, the alternative being engaging the airport or who you are flying to provide assistance or another option would be to fly out with my wife's parents who are much younger

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Have you thought about visiting your mum rather than her visiting you ?

 

I'm sure that would happen but we would both be working so holidays are restricted around that, for when we are apart my mum does have an iPad (which initially she didnt want, said she'd never be able to use and was a waste of money - she now uses it everyday playing scrabble, surfing the net, face timing her granddaughters) so we also have that means of communication when we are apart.

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I did reply Owensfamily about my own Mum but its the reverse of what you're doing.My Mum was in Oz,as is the rest of my family,and I had to fly back to Oz to see her/them because none of them would come to the UK.In all honesty,I probably should of just stayed in Oz,because the older she got,the more I worried.My Mum became hard of hearing which made things worse for me,because after a while I couldn't even ring her which was upsetting.For some whose parents are in fab health,they can get on with their lives so to speak.Unfortunately my Mum wasn't,and I spent a few years feeling quite anxious at times.


When the power of love overcomes the love of power,the world will know peace ~ Jimi Hendrix

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I'm sure that would happen but we would both be working so holidays are restricted around that, for when we are apart my mum does have an iPad (which initially she didnt want, said she'd never be able to use and was a waste of money - she now uses it everyday playing scrabble, surfing the net, face timing her granddaughters) so we also have that means of communication when we are apart.

You'd probably get 20 days annual leave,so it wouldn't be that restricted to visit the UK.


When the power of love overcomes the love of power,the world will know peace ~ Jimi Hendrix

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You'd probably get 20 days annual leave,so it wouldn't be that restricted to visit the UK.

 

Thanks, that's good to know. It would certainly be something we would do, perhaps not every year but at least every other.

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Paul1Perth,not sure why but you quoted me,and the thread is to do with Owensfamily?:laugh:

 

Sorry Jacaranda. There was something in your post that said you learned that people are more important than places, or something like that. I think it depends on the individual.

 

Me and the wife moved with no-one we knew here. My Dad has died since (last year) and my Mum is in an aged care home. I've just resigned myself that I might never see her again. My wifes Mum has had alzheimers for the last 10 years or so and is getting very bad now. It's been harder work for her Dad as he's tried to look after her. She's in an aged care home up the road from where he lives now so he's got a bit of his life back. She is resigned to getting the call that her Mum has died pretty soon. She's been back a couple of times to help her Dad and spent about a month there. Which was a fair bit more help than he's got from her elder Sister who lives in Dorset.

 

My wife says her Mum went years ago as she doesn't know who we are when we visited. So I guess it helps when she does get the call.

 

I don't think my kids have missed anything not having rellies near. Mine and my wifes parents have seen our kids a few times and love them just as much as their other nieces and nephews. I think they may have missed out a bit financially as the others get presents and money that ours don't. They never miss what they don't get though.

 

Maybe we are selfish but we have both come to terms with we only live once and we love it here. No amount of being close to family would have brought as much joy and contentment as living here has.

 

When we first came all the family came out in quick succession and we had to tell the parents on both sides that we would only let them come for 4 weeks tops. After 6 weeks of each of them, all in the same house, it was too much. When her parents suggested coming for 6 months we had to set limits.:wink:

 

It's great to see them but it's also great to see them go home. No matter how much you love them and how well you get on.

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I'm sure all of you have responded with statements around my mum is too old, should you really be making her do this, etc... are just trying to be realistic and offer genuine advice about the issues but there appears a real agenda of negativity from some. I'm simply looking for others who have had similar experiences with their parent(s) and how they approached/ resolved or didnt resolve the issue of them not wanting to come and visit, maybe if I hadn't mentioned her age I would have received a response to my OP rather than a list of reasons why I shouldn't be trying to "persuade" her because she is too old. I appreciate she is getting on in life, I appreciate the journey is not the greatest, I appreciate the difficulties if events back in England result in having to fly back - my father died suddenly when I was 25, I was on holiday in Ibiza at the time and it wasn't fun and it took me two days before the insurance could find me a flight home and that was only Ibiza!

 

However one thing life has taught me is make the best of what you have, if we go to Australia it will only be with the support of my mum and fact that she will visit, if we don't go I have a great life in the UK and long may it continue - I personally think if you go to Australia in the hope all your problems will be solved your setting yourself up for a shock, as I said in and earlier post its an opportunity, an adventure and something we'd like to try

 

How keen is your hubby? Would he be a bit teed off if you suddenly decided you didn't want to go 'cos you couldn't leave your Mum?

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I did reply Owensfamily about my own Mum but its the reverse of what you're doing.My Mum was in Oz,as is the rest of my family,and I had to fly back to Oz to see her/them because none of them would come to the UK.In all honesty,I probably should of just stayed in Oz,because the older she got,the more I worried.My Mum became hard of hearing which made things worse for me,because after a while I couldn't even ring her which was upsetting.For some whose parents are in fab health,they can get on with their lives so to speak.Unfortunately my Mum wasn't,and I spent a few years feeling quite anxious at times.

 

Unfortunately my Mum's as deaf as a post so it's a waste of time trying to ring her. Luckily my Sister does a great job and sees her regularly. I might feel a lot more guilty if it wasn't for her I guess.

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My Mum used to come and stay with us every 2nd year from November 'til March. I took the kids back on the year she didn't come for the Australian school summer holidays. Apart from my sister I don't have any close relatives in the UK anymore.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away :smile:

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Yes Paul of course it depends on the individual.Every family is different,some are close some aren't,some are in between.I moved to Oz when I was 9.Now this is the difference ok?Those of you who emigrate with kids,assume (and rightly so)that all will be well,and that you and your kids will be happy.For me and my siblings,we weren't.When we emigrated,we were cut off from our extended family in Oz.My father was very violent,and to grow up,in a country where we had no one else for support,was frightening.Thats just my family though and my experience. I still don't to this day have any real sense of family as such which for me feels quite sad tbh.


When the power of love overcomes the love of power,the world will know peace ~ Jimi Hendrix

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Unfortunately my Mum's as deaf as a post so it's a waste of time trying to ring her. Luckily my Sister does a great job and sees her regularly. I might feel a lot more guilty if it wasn't for her I guess.

 

Yes my twin sister lived near my Mum (the others lived 1.5 hrs away)so it was left to my sister to take Mum shopping and to appts etc.I used to feel sorry for her at times (Sister not Mum haha)because she had no support or help from the others. My twin was very controlling though.When Mum's hearing went,I would receive a text from my twin to say Mum was going downhill (Im in the UK),I'd reply asking twin what was wrong?Twin would reply "I'll let you know in a few days"Used to drive me insane.Its not like I could ring my Mum either because she couldn't hear me anyway lol I'd then have to email another sibling,relay the text from twin and get them to either ring twin for an update and get back to me,or visit Mum themselves.Put it in the too hard basket!:mad:


When the power of love overcomes the love of power,the world will know peace ~ Jimi Hendrix

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How keen is your hubby? Would he be a bit teed off if you suddenly decided you didn't want to go 'cos you couldn't leave your Mum?

 

 

LOL...I'm the husband but my wife is of the same opinion as me, living in Australia is something she'd like to experience but its not the end of the world if we don't go, she certainly doesn't think we should leave without my mum agreeing that she would come and visit. However we both agree we'd probably regret not taking the opportunity buy that's life sometimes it doesn't work out as you want.

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Thanks Howard, I think that is definitely an option although I'd make sure mum was in Business, part of her issue is the practicalities about finding her gate, the transfer etc... If she flew with us then they go away, the alternative being engaging the airport or who you are flying to provide assistance or another option would be to fly out with my wife's parents who are much younger

 

The airline staff for my friends mum have always been fantastic and my friend comments that her mum is like the queen being escorted right to them lol


I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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LOL...I'm the husband but my wife is of the same opinion as me, living in Australia is something she'd like to experience but its not the end of the world if we don't go, she certainly doesn't think we should leave without my mum agreeing that she would come and visit. However we both agree we'd probably regret not taking the opportunity buy that's life sometimes it doesn't work out as you want.

 

If you want to do it then do it. If your mum doesn't want to do it then respect that. Easy.

 

I have been in your situation - I went to Aus with nary a backward glance at leaving them and taking their, then, only grandchild. As I've said - part of that move was the expectation that I would be the one to do the visiting - was it expensive? Sure was. Was it using up all my holidays? You bet but I could live with that because I was doing my bit. The fact that my parents (then younger than I am now) decided on the 6/6 was a bonus but definitely not an expectation on my part. When they decided they could no longer do the trip (even if they could have sourced travel insurance!) I took the responsibility of visiting them as was only right. When the wheels fell off and they were 87 we made the decision to stay here - no expectation on their part at all. It was my choice and I have no regrets even though living with a dementia driven angry mum is far from a picnic.

 

So go. Say to your mum that you will try and have trips back but if she wants to visit then you will facilitate that as far as you can. At 81 my parents would have told me to mind my own business if I started organizing their lives and bullying them into doing something they had said they didn't want to do. I would be ropeable if in another 15 yrs my kids start trying to organize my life if I hadn't asked them. Bottom line - either go or don't and live with the consequences of your decision. Life's like that, sadly.

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Many 81 year olds wouldn't travel the distance to Australia. I think twice about going all that way in reverse (Aus to UK) and I am only in my 60s . It is a long and punishing flight when you are older. When you are young you don't always realise this.

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At 81 my parents would have told me to mind my own business if I started organizing their lives and bullying them into doing something they had said they didn't want to do. I would be ropeable if in another 15 yrs my kids start trying to organize my life if I hadn't asked them. Bottom line - either go or don't and live with the consequences of your decision. Life's like that, sadly.

 

Quoll, it must be very hard caring for a parent with dementia and I have every respect for you that you doing that however please do not accuse me of trying to organise my mums life and I take particular offence that you suggest I'm trying to bully her! You know nothing about the relationship between myself and my mum, you know nothing about us as people - I always put my family first so don't you dare accuse me of bullying someone who means so much to me!

 

Also if my kids came to me in 15 years and said they wanted to move to Australia or Timbuk-bleeding-tu, whether I agreed with them or not I would do my upmost to help them achieve that even if it was at my detriment.

 

Bottom line is - we will go if its right for my family as a whole

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Thanks Howard, I think that is definitely an option although I'd make sure mum was in Business, part of her issue is the practicalities about finding her gate, the transfer etc... If she flew with us then they go away, the alternative being engaging the airport or who you are flying to provide assistance or another option would be to fly out with my wife's parents who are much younger

 

We flew my grandma out here for a visit when she was 83, we did a business class flight and asked the airline to provide assistance in the airport. She was looked after from the second she got out of her taxi to when we picked her up. She didn't have to worry about a thing.

 

My grandma is like a mother to me, and it has been heart wrenching to leave her in the uk, despite the fact that she was 100% supportive. She is now almost 90, and every day I stress about what is going to happen when I get 'the call'. Fortunately she has my mum, my sister and her partner, my aunt and uncle amongst others to help her if the worst should happen, plus lots of friends. Please think very carefully about your decision. The longer we are here the more difficult it is to move back, should my mum or OH's parents need us in later years.

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Quoll, it must be very hard caring for a parent with dementia and I have every respect for you that you doing that however please do not accuse me of trying to organise my mums life and I take particular offence that you suggest I'm trying to bully her! You know nothing about the relationship between myself and my mum, you know nothing about us as people - I always put my family first so don't you dare accuse me of bullying someone who means so much to me!

 

Also if my kids came to me in 15 years and said they wanted to move to Australia or Timbuk-bleeding-tu, whether I agreed with them or not I would do my upmost to help them achieve that even if it was at my detriment.

 

Bottom line is - we will go if its right for my family as a whole

 

Mea culpa - I guess I was misled by the "how to convince your 81 yr old mother" title. My argument is that she shouldnt need convincing and if you need to convince her then that is tantamount to bullying. I dont know you, I'm sure you're a fabulous son but I do get angry (and bear in mind you are not the first, so you are copping some of the angst from previous posters!) when someone wants to "convince" an elderly relative to move to the other side of the world just because they want to go but cant face leaving their parent. I do think it is cruel to uproot someone from all that they have established over a very long lifetime and transplant them in a foreign (and alien) country - of course most doting children think they are doing it for the "best" - doesnt always turn out that way. Most old animals want to return to their roots to die and we are generally no exception I feel.

 

I'm sure you will make the right decision for you and regrets are a waste of time so dont bother with them whichever way you jump.

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My grandmother used to fly out to Canada from the UK on a regular basis, usually every 2 years, she did it up until her mid eighties, however, I could see that as she got older, the flight took more of a toll on her. The flight from the UK to Canada is only about 7 hours.

 

The flight to Australia is bloody long, no matter which way you look at it, and I don't know if it was me, I if would put that pressure on my parents at that age.

 

I think the key to being a successful migrant, is you have to be selfish. I find the most successful ones are the most selfish. Not being negative against them, I think it is great, if you have the attitude, that it is your life to live, and buggar anyone else. Unfortunately I don't have that attitude. Some days I wish I did LOL.

 

Cheers

 

Karen


Back in Canada over a year and half, miss some aspects of Australia but glad to back home. !!!!

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I understand where Quoll is coming from actually.I've read numerous posts (not normally directed at elderly parents)that start with "How do I convince my wife/husband/partner/kids to move to Australia"?My reply would be,don't bother.Sounds harsh but if you have to literally "convince"someone to go,it could be classed as a form of bullying.Some people start off by saying "Well its just my (insert family member)isn't totally sold on the idea"and my fear for anyone trying to convince someone is if that person doesn't get their own way,that other person might feel that have no choice.

If you feel you can't go if your Mother doesn't want to go and needs convincing,then either go it alone and do the visits or just leave her be.Believe it or not,most elderly people know whats best for them,unless of course they are suffering from some form of mental illness like dementia.

I can remember about 4 yrs ago.My Mum started going downhill.Not in a big way,she just needed abit more help and support from family members in Oz.Stuff like someone taking an hour a week to take her grocery shopping.Nothing major.Now my older sister who lives 1.5hrs from Mum (sister had taken early retirement)thought she would try and "convince"my Mum to sell her house,that she had lived in for 40 yrs,and buy a retirement apartment.She even on one of her visits,told my twin to get the phone book,in front of my Mum,and without her permission,and start looking up phone numbers for suitable accomo for Mum.Totally disrespectful imho! My twin had told me about this and to be honest?I was livid.Having worked with elderly people,I was aware how important it was to Mum to stay within her own home and to remain as independent as she possibly could be. A week later I had a call from Mum,bawling her eyes out,because my older sister had tried bullying (and yes that's what it was)Mum into making a decision,not based on Mums welfare,but for her own peace of mind,so she could retire in peace and not have to "worry"about Mum.Out of sight,out of mind!Disgusting! I'm pretty headstrong and to be honest?If my kids started telling or convincing me what to do with my life,where ever that happened to be?I'd tell them in no uncertain terms where to go.


When the power of love overcomes the love of power,the world will know peace ~ Jimi Hendrix

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Owensfamily I have a lot of sympathy for trying to find a way that works for you all, including your mum and I hope you can come to some sort of compromise that suits everyone. My own family experience was very different though as mum was devastated when my brother first mentioned the possibility of a move to Aus. She couldn’t talk about it, pretended for as long as she could that it wasn’t happening and refused point blank to consider the possibility of trips out to visit. Nothing any one said helped as she couldn’t see passed the pain of separation, and absolutely nothing compensated for what she felt she was losing.

 

It took a long time to be honest, but eventually everyone did adjust. We even managed to get mum out for a visit, although she found it both physically and emotionally difficult despite being a relatively fit and healthy grannie, and I doubt she will ever do the trip again.

 

If I’m honest, in the early days I felt she should be stronger and put a braver face on things. But I didn’t really appreciate just how big a blow the decision to emigrate was for her, and that she was/ is just coping the best she can with a situation that is not of her making. The initial intense grief was a type of bereavement and while that pain has faded with time it has left scars that haven’t really healed over.

 

I’m not suggesting this is the way things will go for you, but you asked how people handled things and on reflection I think we handled things badly in expecting mum to pretend everything was ok. She was struggling big time and perhaps if nothing else, we could have been more honest in accepting that. T x

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Mea culpa - I guess I was misled by the "how to convince your 81 yr old mother" title. My argument is that she shouldnt need convincing and if you need to convince her then that is tantamount to bullying. I dont know you, I'm sure you're a fabulous son but I do get angry (and bear in mind you are not the first, so you are copping some of the angst from previous posters!) when someone wants to "convince" an elderly relative to move to the other side of the world just because they want to go but cant face leaving their parent. I do think it is cruel to uproot someone from all that they have established over a very long lifetime and transplant them in a foreign (and alien) country - of course most doting children think they are doing it for the "best" - doesnt always turn out that way. Most old animals want to return to their roots to die and we are generally no exception I feel.

 

I'm sure you will make the right decision for you and regrets are a waste of time so dont bother with them whichever way you jump.

 

To convince someone is not bullying, do lawyers bully a jury into a decision, no they present the facts and let them make their decision, I was looking for advice on how families had approached this, such as getting them involved in the decision making process etc as was constructively suggested by Leah1921. The fact that others have angered you should not have any bearing on my post, if you'd bothered to find out a bit more about my situation then maybe you too could have offered some valuable advice rather than accuse me of being a bully and how unreasonable I am to expect my mum to up sticks and move to the other side of the world which if you read my responses thats not actually what I'm expecting her to do, I'm actually expecting her to listen to my feelings, thoughts and ideas about moving to Australia, the life and opportunities that we would all have, how she could be involved in this adventure with the all the support we could give her, if she doesnt feel she can do that then as I have said several times then we will not go, so if you can't be bothered to read what I'm actually saying in my posts and wish to continue with your negativity feel free, I'll just ignore you. If however you can offer prudent advice based on what I'm asking and to be fair you have suggested some pertinent points I'd be happy to listen

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My mum was late 70's when we left. My father in law early 90's and I still remember him saying 'I'll never see them again' Breaks your heart to leave people. My mum is now 82 and nothing on earth would get her on that plane. None of my family have come to see me despite frequent invites. This makes me sad as I want to share how lovely parts of Oz can me but I totally understand. They want to spend their money on going places much nearer, more convenient and quite frankly with a whole lot more to offer than Brisbane. The attraction of Oz has faded for me over the past 8 years and I am convinced that it is not a great place to grow old unless you are very rich and have a large circle of friends and family here. Simple pleasures for my mum like strolling to the beach, popping on the local bus to the shops, spending all hours in the garden would not be possible due to restrictions of distance and climate here. I do appreciate that you would miss your mum dreadfully. But for older people IMO the UK has so much more to offer. If she doesn't want to come you have a really difficult decision. I am sure she wants to be with you - but Australia may have no draw to her other than the fact that you are there. In my 50's I'm starting to find the flight gruelling - even early 40's I found it rather exciting. I have huge admiration for anyone who attempts it in their 80's but if I'm lucky enough to live that long I want to be home in the security and familiarity of the UK

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My grandmother used to fly out to Canada from the UK on a regular basis, usually every 2 years, she did it up until her mid eighties, however, I could see that as she got older, the flight took more of a toll on her. The flight from the UK to Canada is only about 7 hours.

 

The flight to Australia is bloody long, no matter which way you look at it, and I don't know if it was me, I if would put that pressure on my parents at that age.

 

I think the key to being a successful migrant, is you have to be selfish. I find the most successful ones are the most selfish. Not being negative against them, I think it is great, if you have the attitude, that it is your life to live, and buggar anyone else. Unfortunately I don't have that attitude. Some days I wish I did LOL.

 

Cheers

 

Karen

 

I agree in part to your comment about being selfish, but not the bugger everyone else comment, it's suggestive that people didn't give much thought to leaving, and speaking only for my own family, we certainly didn't think that .


I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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