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Rach

Unhappy and trapped

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Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some advice/comfort I would appreciate people not telling me just to leave if I'm unhappy here...if only it were that simple!

i am English, married to an Aussie

we moved here in 2010 and I've hated every day. We have two kids and I've repeatedly told my husband I want to go home but there is always an excuse....his job/career and England is expensive etc.

i miss my parents, siblings and friends, have lost myself and am getting really depressed.

what do I do? I cannot see any positives here. Sydney was ok but too expensive so we moved to the Gold Coast....it is hideous. My in laws are closer in brisbane now too and drive me mad!

I just hate the heat,summers, bogans, lack of history and culture and I'm getting more and more resentful towards hubby. I want to get my kids back to England's green and pleasant land!

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If you can't talk to your husband about how unhappy and miserable you are here, perhaps talking to a counsellor might help. I'm so sorry you hate living in Australia. There are a couple of other members on PIO who have posted about similar circumstances - maybe talking with them might help a bit - you would know that there are other people in the same boat as yourself so to speak.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away :smile:

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Sorry that you feel trapped.

 

Is your OH a good bloke?? Surely he can see how much you are hurting.

 

I get that he doesn't want to leave a job, good jobs are hard to come by, Wouldnt advise anyone to leave a job they like.

 

do you work ?

 

could you go back for extended stays with the children during school hols?

 

that might just me enough of a fix for you to get you thru the time spent in Aus .

 

i really do feel for you, if you feel so trapped. But at the same time, marriage is a bit of give n take

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Sorry to hear your dilemma. Is going back to Sydney or Melbourne an option if you preferred it there, a little more cultured and a bit more going on. Are you in a position to take regular holidays back to the UK to spend time with your family there?

Are you working? If not, maybe getting a job and making a different group of friends may help you settle.

 

Totally agree with above post about finding a way to address the issue with your husband, clearly you love him for following him here and supporting him, so hopefully you can find a way to come to happy medium.

 

You could suggest taking a 1 year trial in the UK, if he could get a 1 year career break from work, and see how it goes. Even if its just a year it might be enough to give you both a different perspective.

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Unless your husband is willing then you face divorce and potentially a lengthy and costly legal battle to get permission to take your children to the UK with no guarantees of success.

 

The other option is to try to make the best of things, pursue some hobbies and interests of your own and try harder to look for positives (it is easy to find the negatives anywhere). I don't know your circumstances but unless you are living in a slum within a ghetto there must be some positives.


Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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Thanks everyone. I did work in Sydney but there isn't anywhere on the Gold Coast for my work. I have made some nice pommy mum friends but they all love it here so I can't whinge to them! My husband is a good guy but he doesn't get it. I've spent five years telling him how unhappy I am but he won't move unless I force his hand and I refuse to do that. Yes marriage is give and take but I don't feel it's equal at the mo. It's his way or the highway. The bigger citys are too expensive for us so we're stuck in qld. He can't take a year off work and he doesn't want me to go to UK for extended stays as he says he'll miss the kids too much...

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Trust me I've tried looking for positives but as time ticks by, i find it harder.

i spend my time counting the days until one day I might get home.

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Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some advice/comfort I would appreciate people not telling me just to leave if I'm unhappy here...if only it were that simple!

i am English, married to an Aussie

we moved here in 2010 and I've hated every day. We have two kids and I've repeatedly told my husband I want to go home but there is always an excuse....his job/career and England is expensive etc.

i miss my parents, siblings and friends, have lost myself and am getting really depressed.

what do I do? I cannot see any positives here. Sydney was ok but too expensive so we moved to the Gold Coast....it is hideous. My in laws are closer in brisbane now too and drive me mad!

I just hate the heat,summers, bogans, lack of history and culture and I'm getting more and more resentful towards hubby. I want to get my kids back to England's green and pleasant land!

 

I don't think anybody on PIO will think this a simple situation at all. It is one of the most complicated situations there is!

 

As I am sure you know you can't just fly off with the children and realistically it is going to be something you need to work through with your husband. What exactly is his take on things? My belief is that if one party is depressed, as opposed to simply preferring one location over another, then those needs come first. I cannot imagine being happy in a place myself if I knew my spouse was so unhappy every day.

 

On a practical note, can he get a visa for the UK? It is harder than it used to be and you need to either have a job lined up or large savings.

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Hi, as someone who is heading the other way soon and is hoping that my OH and kids don't feel like you do at some ponit I spotted that you've "hated every day". All I can suggest is that you try to remember what it was that took you there in the first place. I would also that you speak to your husband at length about your feelings. I hope you find a solution that works best for all of you.

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Trust me I've tried looking for positives but as time ticks by, i find it harder.

i spend my time counting the days until one day I might get home.

 

Don't beat yourself up about that. Some places don't work for some people.

 

Well I love Sydney and the Gold Coast, I love Australian history and culture, nature and wildlife and well everything. But there is no point in telling you that you should love this too and look for positives, if they are not there for you they are not there for you. I lived overseas in a third country for a while and hated that and was depressed, other people were happy there, it just didn't work for me and brought me great sadness.

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Exactly bungo. I definitely don't deny others their happiness or opinions but it's not clicked for me.

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Yes I've researched that about the visa. We'd have to sell everything we own or I'd have to go back first and get a job.

it such a sad state of affairs as we are married with kids.

what brought me here on the first place was my aussie husband. I gave it a go for him and he promised if I didn't like it we'd go back, but once here, he reneged on that so I'm rather cross about that but I can't just up and leave and I want the marriage to work.

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Thanks everyone. I did work in Sydney but there isn't anywhere on the Gold Coast for my work. I have made some nice pommy mum friends but they all love it here so I can't whinge to them! My husband is a good guy but he doesn't get it. I've spent five years telling him how unhappy I am but he won't move unless I force his hand and I refuse to do that. Yes marriage is give and take but I don't feel it's equal at the mo. It's his way or the highway. The bigger citys are too expensive for us so we're stuck in qld. He can't take a year off work and he doesn't want me to go to UK for extended stays as he says he'll miss the kids too much...

 

If he is the main bread winner and also happy at work and with his life, then I really think you going back for extended stays is the only option. Yes he will miss the kids but it is only for a few weeks, much better than a divorce.

 

maybe if you could find work it may make it better?? At least you would be occupied.

 

there again I do think once you've got the homesickness bug, nothing will make it feel better.

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Rach..............Life's too short and talking about it here won't make it any longer. You already know how unhappy you are and how difficult your situation is, especially with kids being involved. There's only two options and that is counselling that will convince hubby that your mental health and surival of the family unit depends on him either letting you return to the Uk with your kids without him, via an imacable agreement, or him accepting to return with you as a family.

 

You are already feeling resentment towards him via your own admission and this will get stronger the longer you feel alienated from where you wish to be, eventuall, leading not just to resntment, but loathing and hatred, depending on how strong your desire to return to the UK and how little he is likely to accomodate you.

 

Life's too short and "soldiering on" (from my experience) is just a waste of time............IOW sort it soon as


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Rach..............Life's too short and talking about it here won't make it any longer. You already know how unhappy you are and how difficult your situation is, especially with kids being involved. There's only two options and that is counselling that will convince hubby that your mental health and surival of the family unit depends on him either letting you return to the Uk with your kids without him, via an imacable agreement, or him accepting to return with you as a family.

 

You are already feeling resentment towards him via your own admission and this will get stronger the longer you feel alienated from where you wish to be, eventuall, leading not just to resntment, but loathing and hatred, depending on how strong your desire to return to the UK and how little he is likely to accomodate you.

 

Life's too short and "soldiering on" (from my experience) is just a waste of time............IOW sort it soon as

 

Nice to see you back Kev...

 

always with the best info from the heart:wubclub:

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Trust me I've tried looking for positives but as time ticks by, i find it harder.

i spend my time counting the days until one day I might get home.

 

Many people on here comment about 'situational depression' and that may be a very real thing for you and that if you were to up-sticks and transport your life to the UK you would find happiness. It has definitely worked for some regular posters on this forum. However it could be that you are suffering from Depression that is not solely linked to your location and it may be worth seeking medical advice.

 

I also agree with others who recommend marriage guidance counselling. There is no way that you can be feeling like this without your husband being aware constantly and this will drive a wedge deeper and deeper into your relationship unless you can find a true balanced understanding of your respective issues.


Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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On the face of it, I'd say you are trapped TBH. Does he have any UK ancestry which would get him an Ancestry Visa even if he did decide to give it a whirl? If not, then you're facing the spouse visa which is a nightmare because of the financial implications.

 

If he's adamant that he won't go then chances are, even if you divorced, he wouldn't let the kids go - trapped again.

 

So where does that leave poor old trapped you? There are ways around the depression - I'm not saying "fix" the depression but certainly make it marginally liveable with. I would suggest seeing your GP for starters - s/he can implement a mental health plan with a psychologist who should, if they are worth their salt, help you with strategies to make it through each and every day. Personally I prefer CBT but a lot of people find success with ACT - talk to the psych about what they can offer you by way of coping skills.

 

Then I would insist that you and your DH both attend marriage counselling sessions - you can start on your own and work on ways to include him in the process if that is easier.

 

At the end of the day though, you may be faced with living a life which is the least worst option - take the good bits of it and work on the relationship you have. You loved him once and though the resentment is burning there at the moment it was him that you chose and intended for the rest of your days. He needs to come to the party with some sort of compromise offer (my DH compromised by not moving into the bush and working extra so I could go home when and how often I needed).

 

Ive been where you are albeit not with young kids and it is a hellish place so you have all my sympathy - I got through it by reframing - there with him was better than here (where we are now living, just to give you hope!) without him - the least worst option, if you will. Good luck and maybe things will happen positively for you when you least expect it, just like they did for me!

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Sounds like a very tough situation. The only things I could possibly suggest is to make it completely clear how you feel. Make sure he gets it. and secondly, just remind him of his promise "I gave it a go for him and he promised if I didn't like it we'd go back"

 

When in discussing the promise, keep coming back to the same point.

 

Not an easy place to be though...


Moved to Sydney.

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Firstly I do think its unfair that your OH has gone back on his word.That would build resentment for a start!Secondly,if your OH is insisting you can't even go back for an extended time because "He will miss the kids"(Did he also say he'd miss you??)no wonder you're feeling trapped.He's being unfair imho.So (1)He's gone back on his word,(2)won't consider a move back no matter how depressed you are and (3)Won't allow you and the kids to go back for extended holidays??

Last year I decided to take a career break for 3 mths back to Oz,mainly because my Mum was going downhill (She was 83).Now if my OH had said "No! You can't go"I would of gone anyway!(I'm pretty headstrong that way lol)but you are in a different situation than me because my kids are in the UK and are adults.I left my aussie OH (First husband)to return to the UK with our aussie born kids.Luckily for me the OH didn't protest and signed the kids passport forms.

I think you need to seek some pro counselling tbh.This is going to be a tricky situation for you.We're all here Rach if you need a shoulder.Best of luck hon and I hope you manage to find some happiness in the future.xxx


When the power of love overcomes the love of power,the world will know peace ~ Jimi Hendrix

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Hi, I do feel for you x I'm in the other end of the Anglo /Aussie debate. I'm the pom married to an Aussie with 2 kids. We're in the UK and have been for 10 years. My husband hates living here. I have promised to give things a go in Aus for his sanity. To be fair we've been trapped here longer than anticipated due to the housing and financial crash. It's a bit if a no win situation in this kind of relationship. I hope to settle in Tassie. I feel he's given it chance here so it's my turn now. I doubt hubbie will ever get on a plane back to the UK!! But I will make sure he has British citizenship before we leave just in case!

Good luck with your predicament


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Johndoe. Thank you. I feel like you've heard what I'm saying. It's nice to have some support

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Thank you everyone for taking time to reply. It's great to have a forum to talk. I think councelling is the way to go. It will kill or cure the marriage.

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I do not see a good way through this, its not easy moving back to the UK these days for Australians even if married to a Brit. Your children are Australian and they will want to stay that way. If you return its on the cards that they will come back as soon as they grow up a lot do. We do not hear about the children who do come back because they are happy and do not post on forums.

 

When we marry there are sacrifices on both sides.

 

The longer you live here the better it will get. You just have to get out of the negative way of looking at things and look at the positives. I personally would hate to live on the Gold Coast because I like four seasons a year so I live in Melbourne.

 

We all have things we miss and hate and desire for other things but the other side of the coin is never greener than the one we are on. Eveny our families in UK change as we change and our friends become our families in a lot of cases whether we are living there or here.

 

I always took the view that the one who earned the most and gave me the lifestyle I liked was the one who had the say.


Petals

:ssign15:taking no prisoners :wink:

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I think the main issue for a lot of women is missing mum and dad back home too.

 

Maybe if you could have a trip back home say every 2nd year and could your parents visit you in Aus say on the alternate years ? That may help.

 

This is the risk of these mixed marriages. One will often feel they are living somewhere to please the other.


I want it all, and I want it now.

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