Unhappy and trapped

[Country vic]

I meant Country vic should move or go home if she hates where she is.

 

Back to the OP.

 

I hope there are some thoughtful, considerate and intelligent members who can offer the OP some practical support, I feel for her.

 

As for the more brutal and thoughtless commentators, may I respectfully suggest caution.

 

When people are in trouble, even if that is their own fault and they are useless individuals who deserve their plight, unless the intention is to inflict more pain it might be better to resist the urge to put the knife in.

 

Good luck OP, sorry I have nothing to offer.

[Parley]

It is interesting why a single person would stay somewhere they hate for 10 years.

 

But agree, back to the OP.

It is distracting when other posters feel a need to tell their story. It does tend to take the thread off track.

[Bound4Tassie]

I think posters telling their own story is a good thing. Knowing someone else going through similar experiences can help.

[Lambethlad]

Back to the OP.

 

I hope there are some thoughtful, considerate and intelligent members who can offer the OP some practical support, I feel for her.

 

As for the more brutal and thoughtless commentators, may I respectfully suggest caution.

 

When people are in trouble, even if that is their own fault and they are useless individuals who deserve their plight, unless the intention is to inflict more pain it might be better to resist the urge to put the knife in.

 

Good luck OP, sorry I have nothing to offer.

 

The only thoughtless comment I've seen is the one that Oz has a lack of culture or history. It's very dismissive of the 40,000 years of Aboriginal history and culture. I think it is totally racist.

[janlo]

Didn't think this OP had said how old her kids are - on another thread, different OP they were 19 and 17 and definitely old enough to make their own choices

 

 

Your right, different thread. I got the impression OP children were quite young. Keep up AJ :cute:

Edited June 10, 2015 by janlo

[janlo]

I don't have the answer......not sure there is a straight forward one. It's so very common though, I remember speaking to an older lady who says she cries everyday, probably not literally but I knew what she meant. She was just reconciled but seem cheerful, I guess she just got used to those feelings, the human spirit is very resilient. You really should be "allowed" to take the kids to see family back home ? ....that's called being plain and simple reasonable!

 

Sending hugs, you're not alone :hug:

[Parley]

There have been others on PIO where the mum took the kids back to the UK for a holiday, and then refused to come back.

 

If the marriage is on the rocks then care needs to be taken.

 

I may be hard hearted, but if a British woman marries an Australian man they really need to have their eyes open going in to these sorts of eventualities.

[Simonrbh]

Hi Rach

 

Reading your original post certainly made me realise that it's not just me that feels a lot of the things that you wrote in your post. I'm sorry to hear you are not enjoying life on the Gold Coast. I'm glad to hear that you think counselling might help with the predicament. I don't have any answers for you, but wanted to let you know you're not alone in the way you feel. If you want to chat anytime and get things off your chest then feel free to message me, 'A trouble shared……...'.

Edited June 10, 2015 by Simonrbh
typo

[wattsy1982]

Trust me I've tried looking for positives but as time ticks by, i find it harder.

i spend my time counting the days until one day I might get home.

 

I hear you Rach, I too am on the Gold Coast, been here 2 years and the beaches and weather wore off a while ago. Kids will go to the beach if we suggest it but wouldnt chose it off their own back.

 

In January I told my wife I'd had enough and wanted to go home this July, she said she wasnt ready but if I gave it another year and a good crack and I still wasnt happy she would agree to move home without any resentment towards me.

 

I would say you need to just tell your husband how it is, you say he is a decent man, well no country/career is worth the health and happiness of a loved one. Although my wife wanted to stay a bit longer she offered me/agreed that if I still wasnt happy we will move back and that is what keeps me going daily.

 

Good luck.

[Bungo]

There have been others on PIO where the mum took the kids back to the UK for a holiday, and then refused to come back.

 

If the marriage is on the rocks then care needs to be taken.

 

I may be hard hearted, but if a British woman marries an Australian man they really need to have their eyes open going in to these sorts of eventualities.

 

How about couples entering into mixed marriages should both have their eyes open?

[Jacaranda]

I guess the bottom line is,is that people choose countries over people.If you're with someone who is desparately unhappy where they are,and you are refusing to move from said country,then you are choosing a country over that person.That says a lot to me actually.For me personally,if I were with a person who refused to move,I'd have to question how much they cared about me.I would then leave them regardless of whether I had to stay in the country I disliked.I'd rather do that,than stay with a person who only thought of their own happiness tbh.

[Parley]

But wouldn't you only be thinking of your own happiness equally ?

It seems to me that both parties are prioritising their own happiness over their partners.

[Quoll]

There have been others on PIO where the mum took the kids back to the UK for a holiday, and then refused to come back.

 

If the marriage is on the rocks then care needs to be taken.

 

I may be hard hearted, but if a British woman marries an Australian man they really need to have their eyes open going in to these sorts of eventualities.

 

Unfortunately it's getting very difficult for British people in mixed marriages to get their spouse back to UK even if they were prepared to go - and that's another coal to heap upon the fire. The spouse visa is now almost prohibitive but it's a damned sight harder for a woman than a man to get the financial support to do it. I think anyone in a mixed marriage needs to have their eyes open to such eventualities!

[Jacaranda]

But wouldn't you only be thinking of your own happiness equally ?

It seems to me that both parties are prioritising their own happiness over their partners.

Well the OP is obviously suffering a lot mentally,and if I was in that situation and my partner refused to move back to my home country OR allow me to visit for extended periods,I'd leave tbh.I'd have to be wondering (1)How much I actually meant to that person and (2)How bloody selfish they were and did I actually want to stay with someone that selfish.

[Jacaranda]

I guess no one can help who they fall in love with but..........if you met an Australian in the UK,and the ausse started discussing a move to Oz,think about it on a deeper level.Its ok to get caught up thinking about a new change,new life,sunshine,beaches or whatever,but you'd really need to consider what would happen further down the line if you were to become homesick. Its ok for some to promise that "If anyone becomes unhappy we'll move back"but how many people actually 100% mean that?How many just say it to get their own way with NO intention of ever returning?Thats a lot of trust you have to have in someone.

[Country vic]

OR allow me to visit for extended periods.

 

I agree.

 

This situation came about from a major broken promise, promises can't just be set aside.

 

If the OP knew coming to Australia was a life sentence she may have made a different decision.

 

She he has a right to have the promise made to her respected.

Edited June 10, 2015 by Country vic

[shak]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some advice/comfort I would appreciate people not telling me just to leave if I'm unhappy here...if only it were that simple!

i am English, married to an Aussie

we moved here in 2010 and I've hated every day. We have two kids and I've repeatedly told my husband I want to go home but there is always an excuse....his job/career and England is expensive etc.

i miss my parents, siblings and friends, have lost myself and am getting really depressed.

what do I do? I cannot see any positives here. Sydney was ok but too expensive so we moved to the Gold Coast....it is hideous. My in laws are closer in brisbane now too and drive me mad!

I just hate the heat,summers, bogans, lack of history and culture and I'm getting more and more resentful towards hubby. I want to get my kids back to England's green and pleasant land!

 

You've done 5 years here,well done!iv only been here 7 months and desperate to go home.just wanted to say your not alone,there's me and plenty others on here that want to go back.have a serious,long talk with your hubby,hope you both can come to some sort of agreement, which keeps you both happy.best of luck hon

[Burnett]

Rach, an interesting statistic (complete with government source) was posted very recently in an Aussie forum. It revealed that 81% of those who state on their departure that they are leaving Australian permanently, return. So that's four out of every five people return to Australia, even though they believed when they departed that they wouldn't be coming back. That's a sobering statistic and indicative of how the other pastures they've gone to have failed to match their expectations

 

If you somehow managed to leave and take your children with you, the chances of your wanting to return are fairly high. All those who said they wouldn't be returning to Australia doubtless believed they wouldn't want to come back, because very few people uproot their family on a whim. So they must have believed at the time that Australia wasn't for them and must have been quite confident that they'd enjoy and settle in when they arrived at their destination. So that's worth considering, at least

 

I very rarely remember song-lyrics, but years ago, a line in a song stuck in my mind. You may have heard it. ' If you can't be with the one you love -- love the one you're with'. Amongst all the syrupy love songs, that line stuck out as being eminently practical and wise. In the first flush of love, we also love everything about that person, from the hairs up their nose to their family (whom we often learn to loathe). Then time goes by and just as with once beautiful flowers, the bloom wears off. By then, we're often not just a couple, but a family. Our children become our priority and we, and life, changes. Everything changes with time: our bodies, our interests, our tastes, etc. But we've put children on the planet and we're duty-bound to give them what they deserve. Unless one or both parents poses psychological, physical or emotional damage to the child, most children prefer to have their mum and dad together in the same home. It gives them a sense of security. The parents are like the giant poles which hold up the circus tent. If those poles collapse, it often results in catastrophe

 

When they're young, it seems as if their childhood will go on forever. But they grow so quickly. I don't know how old your children are, but their teens will pose challenges, not least of those being financial as their education progresses. Two parents pulling together and keeping things together during those developmental years not only build the parents' strength of character, but helps children face the challenges with they're faced as they leave childhood behind and move toward an often frightening future

 

Good men are hard to find, no matter how old-fashioned that may sound to others. You haven't mentioned that your husband drinks or gambles to excess, or engages in extramarital affairs. If he's instead working to support his family and trying to pave a better financial future for you and the children as well as being a loving husband and father, you're one of the lucky ones

 

You say you miss your friends and siblings in the UK and you doubtless feel you're missing out on a lot in that regard, which is difficult. Being unable to find employment on the Gold Coast (which has always been high in sunshine and high in unemployment also) must be limiting the enjoyment to be had there as well as lowering your confidence and self-esteem. You're at home whilst your husband gains a sense of identity from his career and colleagues. He leaves for work and you're at home once the children have gone to school. It's natural you'd look back to happier times in the UK

 

But children aren't portable in the same way as items which can be transferred across the world such as precious possessions, pets, furniture, etc. Your children have a father and even children with dreadful fathers still love them and miss them if they're separated

 

If it's true that your husband would have a difficult time finding employment in the UK, it's understandable he doesn't want to risk what he has in Australia. Breadwinners are able to imagine what it would be like to be unable to support their family. They know how rotten it would be to have no money, no prospects and no way to provide their children with the essentials at least. And as others have said, there's no guarantee your husband would be able to get into the UK unless he could satisfy entry requirements, one of which would be proof that he could support you all if you managed to get there. So apart from anything else, your husband has his head screwed on in that regard

 

And of course he would miss his children. That's man-speak. He'd do more than miss them. He's working now for them and trying to secure a future for all of you. I'd be concerned if a husband was prepared to drop everything and move his family across the world, knowing when he got there, his family would have nothing. Your husband sounds mature and as if he takes his responsibilities seriously. It seems he recognises that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, although like most people, he'd probably like to go overseas.

 

The children will be independent before you know it. It may be they'll want to leave home before you're ready. You've done well so far - you're together after ten years and your husband is employed and as you haven't said otherwise, it sounds as if your children are healthy and happy. And your husband is in good employment, which cannot be said for many who move to the Gold Coast. That's a lot to be thankful for

 

If the work won't come to you, maybe you could channel your energies into going to the work via retraining or creating a niche for yourself. Many on the Gold Coast have to create their own jobs because there are far more people than jobs.

 

You have determination, you've proved that. You've shown you're adaptable. You have some challenging times ahead of you, as a couple or as a single parent if you do leave. Maybe if you stick it out and see your children through school, you might have a nest-egg by then in property or savings, which will allow you and your family -- or you alone or with your husband -- to move back to the UK

 

It's not always possible for people to go back for extended holidays. It costs money. It disrupts the family and could easily destroy a marriage via any one of a dozen ways.

 

If I had to toss up between 'culture' and a solid marriage, I know what I'd choose. Certainly, Australia doesn't have the same organised form of culture in the UK. But Australia can be interesting if you're prepared to find it so. There's a cemetery in the hinterland which contains gravestones of the region's earliest settlers, for instance. I took my children there when they were quite young and explained the region's history. There's a well-equipped family-history society. There are quite good museums and galleries in Brisbane which you could visit with the children on weekends. There's a Cobb and Co. shed at the back of Elanora. And the Gold Coast Bulletin has placed hundreds of photos and articles online of the region's history. The hinterland is accessible in just a short drive - Springbrook, Lamington Plateau, the Natural arch, etc. They're all easily enjoyed in a day, it's fresh and cool up there and children always love it. All it costs is petrol. You could pack a picnic lunch and enjoy a swim in the fresh water. Many families do it. Then there's Tallebudgera Creek, which is always a favourite with families. There are art classes, pottery classes, etc. My children loved those and who knows -- it could be the start of a lifelong interest for the children and you. There's fishing, beach-walks, the children could join the Nippers. And there's every type of sporting team your children could join, or even you and your husband could without a lot of expense.

 

I don't know -- what do you think .... could the song 'If you can't be with the one you love -- love the one you're with' be equally wise advice if we changed it to, 'If you can't be in the country you love -- love the country you're in ' ?

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best and hope happy times will be yours soon :-)

Edited June 16, 2015 by Burnett

[MARYROSE02]

But wouldn't you only be thinking of your own happiness equally ?

It seems to me that both parties are prioritising their own happiness over their partners.

 

That is what I thought too. 'If you loved me, you would do 'X'. But if you love me, you would do 'Y.' The only way you could get a compromise would be living for six months in both countries, or moving to a third country so that you are both equally unhappy.