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Beachbum

Biggest Mistake of my Life!

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Hi Everyone. Not even sure how to begin this as I'm so confused right now, and so desperately unhappy. I've been in Oz since September, following my Australian husband out from the UK. It was traumatic, but the excitement and anticipation kind of eclipsed the bad stuff, and I felt pretty settled as we enjoyed our first 6 weeks or so in Sydney. Things started to go bad for me when the tenants vacated our house and we made the move to the Blue Mountains (aka the Blues Mountains!). I've always HATED being cold and damp, so the climate here in the upper mountains has been my worst nightmare, with temperatures sinking below 12 degrees and ghastly, freezing fog that is worse than any English winter - and this was in the summer! I feel horribly isolated, and as time has gone on, starting to wonder why the hell I moved here. It rains nearly every day, everything is constantly dripping water, my arthritis is giving me hell, and my dog and I were both recently covered in leeches from the quagmire that is our back yard. I have to say I'm not that impressed with Sydney either as every time I go there it's either p*ssing down with rain, or struggling with pathetic, insipid temperatures. My parents were good about me going, all things considered, but this is where the nightmare is really kicking in. My Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor just before I left the UK, and although it is benign and has now been treated, my Dad keeps having seizures and ended up in hospital (first of a number of admissions) on Xmas day. I feel so desperately, utterly guilty for leaving my parents, and the images of our goodbyes are haunting me to the point where I feel as though I'm losing my mind.

 

I can't stop crying - I burst into tears for no apparent reason, and anything can set me off. Music, a film, even words in a book. Tears are pouring down my face right now. My doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist but I can't afford to -my financial situation is absolutely dire, and another reason for me being so depressed. I have nobody to talk to as I'm frightened of upsetting people. I don't want my husband to start hating me as I pushed so hard for this move, and if I mention any of this to my parents, I'm scared I'll give them false hope that I might come back. I just don't know what to do - I was desperate to leave the UK, but now I'm desperate to return. But I don't know if returning really would make me feel better as I've wanted out for years. I just wish to God that we'd moved to Spain or France - somewhere easily accessible to the UK.

 

I'm really hating Australia right now. Overpriced, overrated! I'm so sick of being ripped off every time I go shopping to feed us - the prices here are beyond a joke. The weather is utter cr*p - you certainly can't rely on it, and I honestly think it's WORSE than the UK! I hate the way drivers crawl all over your bumper the minute you get on the road - but the police will have you if you go 1km over the speed limit. (My husband got an $800 fine recently on a trap). I hate being so poor, but most of all I HATE being so far from my loved ones.

 

I just don't know what the hell to do. Either way, someone's going to end up being really badly hurt, whether it's my husband because I've walked out and headed home to the UK, or my family, if I decide to stay here. The price of my "dream" lifestyle is proving way too high - the dream wasn't anything like I thought it would be and has turned into a nightmare. All I can see is the pain in my parents' eyes as they waved goodbye to me and my dog. Knowing they'll probably never see my dog again - who they loved dearly. That our two dogs will never run together again. That it could even be the last time they saw me... I feel as though I'm going crazy with grief. I honestly believe I have made the biggest mistake of my life!

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You dont have to pay to speak to psychiatrist..refer yourself to a community mental health team by walking in or calling n asking to speak to intake..or even going to ED...or gp can do mental health care plan n refer u for some free sessions with a counsellor or psychologist if u have Medicare

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Step back and take a deep breath, and have a sit down and chat to your husband explaining everything you have told us.

Then if that doesn't rectify your problems, go and see a councillor.if it helps you are not alone in your thinking, and feelings.

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Thank you for your advice - the doctor didn't really explain that, just said I'd have to make up the difference between the psychiatrist's fees and Medicare. It works out around $80 which will really break me right now. I know I need help - I've never felt so low in my life - I'm desperate, I just don't know where to turn. Literally cannot stop crying today. Had to see the doctor this morning for a verdict on an old injury that could have stopped me doing a lot of physical stuff. It was good news, but I just sat there staring at him with tears pouring down my face, totally numb to any positivity... :-(

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I feel your pain and am so sorry you are going through this. If you need someone to talk to at any time of the day or night call Life Line 131114 they have wonderful councilors you can unload your feeling to and who can point you in the right direction for help.

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It certainly rains a lot in Sydney, it really got me down at first. My head hits the desk sometimes when future migrants post about the lovely weather and no rain. Anyway the piece missing in your post, was what does your Australian husband think to this. Would go back? Or maybe consider a different location, like back to Sydney?

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You say finances are tight, but could you afford to got for a drive up the coast for a couple of days and see if areas like Port Macquarie may suit you better than the Blue Mountains. There are many nice places in Aus you just need to see what suits you best and could be a better option than going back to the UK if your partner does not want to return to the UK.

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We can't afford Sydney prices, and I'm starting to think the place is totally overrated - certainly overpriced! I just don't know what the hell to say to my husband. He's Australian but we met in London. He was in no hurry to come here but I kept on pushing and pushing, having no idea just how devistatingly painful it was going to be, thinking the weather was going to be amazing, etc. Believing the hype, I guess. Well, they say be careful what you wish for.... :-( I just think my husband will see me as an irrational wreck who's incapable of being happy anywhere - and I'm starting to wonder myself!

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Guest Guest55385
Hi Everyone. Not even sure how to begin this as I'm so confused right now, and so desperately unhappy. I've been in Oz since September, following my Australian husband out from the UK. It was traumatic, but the excitement and anticipation kind of eclipsed the bad stuff, and I felt pretty settled as we enjoyed our first 6 weeks or so in Sydney. Things started to go bad for me when the tenants vacated our house and we made the move to the Blue Mountains (aka the Blues Mountains!). I've always HATED being cold and damp, so the climate here in the upper mountains has been my worst nightmare, with temperatures sinking below 12 degrees and ghastly, freezing fog that is worse than any English winter - and this was in the summer! I feel horribly isolated, and as time has gone on, starting to wonder why the hell I moved here. It rains nearly every day, everything is constantly dripping water, my arthritis is giving me hell, and my dog and I were both recently covered in leeches from the quagmire that is our back yard. I have to say I'm not that impressed with Sydney either as every time I go there it's either p*ssing down with rain, or struggling with pathetic, insipid temperatures. My parents were good about me going, all things considered, but this is where the nightmare is really kicking in. My Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor just before I left the UK, and although it is benign and has now been treated, my Dad keeps having seizures and ended up in hospital (first of a number of admissions) on Xmas day. I feel so desperately, utterly guilty for leaving my parents, and the images of our goodbyes are haunting me to the point where I feel as though I'm losing my mind.

 

I can't stop crying - I burst into tears for no apparent reason, and anything can set me off. Music, a film, even words in a book. Tears are pouring down my face right now. My doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist but I can't afford to -my financial situation is absolutely dire, and another reason for me being so depressed. I have nobody to talk to as I'm frightened of upsetting people. I don't want my husband to start hating me as I pushed so hard for this move, and if I mention any of this to my parents, I'm scared I'll give them false hope that I might come back. I just don't know what to do - I was desperate to leave the UK, but now I'm desperate to return. But I don't know if returning really would make me feel better as I've wanted out for years. I just wish to God that we'd moved to Spain or France - somewhere easily accessible to the UK.

 

I'm really hating Australia right now. Overpriced, overrated! I'm so sick of being ripped off every time I go shopping to feed us - the prices here are beyond a joke. The weather is utter cr*p - you certainly can't rely on it, and I honestly think it's WORSE than the UK! I hate the way drivers crawl all over your bumper the minute you get on the road - but the police will have you if you go 1km over the speed limit. (My husband got an $800 fine recently on a trap). I hate being so poor, but most of all I HATE being so far from my loved ones.

 

I just don't know what the hell to do. Either way, someone's going to end up being really badly hurt, whether it's my husband because I've walked out and headed home to the UK, or my family, if I decide to stay here. The price of my "dream" lifestyle is proving way too high - the dream wasn't anything like I thought it would be and has turned into a nightmare. All I can see is the pain in my parents' eyes as they waved goodbye to me and my dog. Knowing they'll probably never see my dog again - who they loved dearly. That our two dogs will never run together again. That it could even be the last time they saw me... I feel as though I'm going crazy with grief. I honestly believe I have made the biggest mistake of my life!

 

After 3 days in Aus, I felt so similar to you and although that feeling never left me, I learnt to deal with it. I had to keep busy. I took up yoga (wow!!) and photography. You have to do whatever it is that keeps you sane.

I am lucky to have a supportive husband who will listen to me whinge lol. He is my greatest friend and I guess yours is probably too. You have to talk to him.

 

We have lived in dyer cripling financial struggles for the last 3 yrs, so I totally understand how depressing it is.

 

I seriously doubt you need a psychiatrist or even a psychologist!! I think that's an over-exaggeration from a medical system which needs financial input. I am a cynic though. I strongly advise that you seek a counsellor, whether on the phone or in person. Someone you can trust and talk to. Someone to confide in.

 

We are now going back to the UK, however if you want to PM me, please do so.

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I totally know where your coming from.im kind of in the same boat.had a very bad day yesterday, non stop crying like yourself.your not alone.this is damn tough!me and hubby were just discussing how maybe we should go back ealier than planned.sit down with your husband and talk to him,he may understand. Hope you feel better soon

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Oh sweetie (((hugs)))

 

Deep breath!

 

It would be odd to refer directly to a psychiatrist I would have thought, just one look at your circumstances would give even Blind Freddie a bit of a clue about what demons are banging on your door and, given that $$$ is one of them, suggesting that you need to further impoverish yourself is irresponsible! Exogenous (situational) depression is a very real phenomenon and easily cured by removing yourself from the situation - if that's what ails you! At the moment, you're crucifying yourself for fear of what your actions may do to other people - your fears may or may not be unfounded but you need to talk to those around you and share what's going on for you - they can't help if they don't know!

 

Lifeline is an excellent service and would be a good starting point. They will have access to possible options in your area and you may be surprised at what services there are out there in the community. There are also online resources such as Moodgym at the ANU, Beyond Blue and The Happiness Trap which can help you with managing these debilitating feelings - it may be that you can adopt strategies that will get you through every day or it may be that you need to work on a plan to get you out of the situation which is dragging you down. If you're hesitant about raising all this with your DH because you fear his reaction, then do it with an impartial third party present, like Relationships Australia (they do charge but if $ is a problem, they can be flexible)

 

Hang in there, your physical and mental health are your priorities at the moment otherwise you're not going to be of any use to anyone you love!

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We can't afford Sydney prices, and I'm starting to think the place is totally overrated - certainly overpriced! I just don't know what the hell to say to my husband. He's Australian but we met in London. He was in no hurry to come here but I kept on pushing and pushing, having no idea just how devistatingly painful it was going to be, thinking the weather was going to be amazing, etc. Believing the hype, I guess. Well, they say be careful what you wish for.... :-( I just think my husband will see me as an irrational wreck who's incapable of being happy anywhere - and I'm starting to wonder myself!

I have always wondered why people head for capital cities especially Sydney and Melbourne which are so expencive. Aus is a huge place the climate and cost of living vary a lot. Does your husband have a job that would be easy to find in a different state/town ? Honesty is always the best policy, you never know maybe he is miserable as well but putting on a brave face because he thinks you are happy in the mountains. Time to sit down and be honest and tell him how you feel. Between the two of you maybe you can come up with some ideas as to how you can make things better.

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I'm sorry you're feeling so rough. I pressured my family to come out here by taking a job and now wish to go back, despite them wanting to stay. Makes you feel really guilty and irrational doesn't it but it's so easy to let this stuff overwhelm you. You sound like you're drowning and feeling that everything is permanent. Nothing is forever, so you think you messed up by coming here? You made a mistake as many of us do but it's not the end of the world, although it may feel like it. Try to be a bit kinder to yourself, grab some counselling if you can, forgive yourself and start working on moving forwards. Stuff like yoga is great - it's cheap and forces you to relax and be in the moment. Chat to hubby and start thinking about your exit plan. Good luck!

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I'm sorry you're feeling so rough. I pressured my family to come out here by taking a job and now wish to go back, despite them wanting to stay. Makes you feel really guilty and irrational doesn't it but it's so easy to let this stuff overwhelm you. You sound like you're drowning and feeling that everything is permanent. Nothing is forever, so you think you messed up by coming here? You made a mistake as many of us do but it's not the end of the world, although it may feel like it. Try to be a bit kinder to yourself, grab some counselling if you can, forgive yourself and start working on moving forwards. Stuff like yoga is great - it's cheap and forces you to relax and be in the moment. Chat to hubby and start thinking about your exit plan. Good luck!

Seems to be an increasing number of people looking at going back to late for us now for a heap of reasons but I envy those who are still young enough and have no ties here who are going "home'

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I sometimes think, though, if you hang out with people who don't like Australia and are unhappy here it would actually make you worse rather than better. It can become a whinge-fest which is not really helpful to anyone. I know of a young bloke who is from Melbourne and he married a Perth girl so they live in Perth. He doesn't like it there at all but she has him over a barrow so to speak because her family is there and she won't leave. Their marriage is going down the tubes because he can't cope with it there and really, really wants to come back to Melbourne. He talks to his pals from Melbourne and it actually makes him feel even worse - maybe he would be better just putting his head down and ignoring all those who say how much better it is elsewhere? That is if he wants to stay married of course!

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I am sorry to hear you're so unhappy.I can recommend Yoga.I've been practising for over 30 yrs,and I feel it would be helpful to you.If you can't afford a class,You Tube some classes but ensure the teacher is accredited first.

As I always say,no decision is a mistake.When you decided to move to Australia,you did so,on the knowledge and feelings you had at that specific time.No one hon knows how they will feel until they actually start living in Australia,so please don't beat yourself up over that one.

Ok next time you get upset try this.Feel the upset.Dont try and avoid it,tell yourself "Yes I am feeling very upset right now".Feel where in your body you are upset,your throat,eyes,chest maybe?Now tune out from that and re focus on your breath.Listen to it,feel it.Take a few minutes to do this.Now focus on your surroundings.First start with your eyes closed.Listen to any noises you can hear.Birds singing,maybe a car driving past your house,a lawnmower,jsut really tune into this ok?After a few minutes,open your eyes and take a look at your surroundings.Look at everything as if it were the first time in your life you have seen any of it.Look at the shapes,colours etc. You might think this sounds abit wacky but what its actually doing,is bringing you back to the present moment.Because the present moment is all we ever have in life. Your suffering is caused by memories of the past,and feelings towards the future. Take care of yourself hon,and we're always here if you need a chat ok?xxx


When the power of love overcomes the love of power,the world will know peace ~ Jimi Hendrix

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Not wanting to worry you further but will your DH be able to get a visa to live in UK again? They've changed the rules about visas and unless he has citizenship or Ancestry it will be nigh on impossible for him to return. That may factor into your next decision.

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I sometimes think, though, if you hang out with people who don't like Australia and are unhappy here it would actually make you worse rather than better. It can become a whinge-fest which is not really helpful to anyone. I know of a young bloke who is from Melbourne and he married a Perth girl so they live in Perth. He doesn't like it there at all but she has him over a barrow so to speak because her family is there and she won't leave. Their marriage is going down the tubes because he can't cope with it there and really, really wants to come back to Melbourne. He talks to his pals from Melbourne and it actually makes him feel even worse - maybe he would be better just putting his head down and ignoring all those who say how much better it is elsewhere? That is if he wants to stay married of course!

That's a vexed question really. Sometimes being in touch with someone else who has the same sort of feelings that you do is validation that what you're feeling is quite normal and no you're not going bonkers! However, those who cling to the friends they had, Skype or FB all the time and keep scratching at the scab of a life left behind are making life harder for themselves. Sometimes if there are two of you doing it tough in the same place you can get good friendships and mutual support going. I can relate to your mate - definitely over a barrel and some sort of compromise situation is going to be the only way that relationship will survive - maybe they should both move to Alice Springs!!!

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I sometimes think, though, if you hang out with people who don't like Australia and are unhappy here it would actually make you worse rather than better. It can become a whinge-fest which is not really helpful to anyone. I know of a young bloke who is from Melbourne and he married a Perth girl so they live in Perth. He doesn't like it there at all but she has him over a barrow so to speak because her family is there and she won't leave. Their marriage is going down the tubes because he can't cope with it there and really, really wants to come back to Melbourne. He talks to his pals from Melbourne and it actually makes him feel even worse - maybe he would be better just putting his head down and ignoring all those who say how much better it is elsewhere? That is if he wants to stay married of course!

Tell that story to poms coming over here then aswell. Your story doesn't make sense at all.to dissect it what you mean is anyone who dislikes a place should put their head down and get on with it.rolling around laughing my guts out.

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That's a vexed question really. Sometimes being in touch with someone else who has the same sort of feelings that you do is validation that what you're feeling is quite normal and no you're not going bonkers! However, those who cling to the friends they had, Skype or FB all the time and keep scratching at the scab of a life left behind are making life harder for themselves. Sometimes if there are two of you doing it tough in the same place you can get good friendships and mutual support going. I can relate to your mate - definitely over a barrel and some sort of compromise situation is going to be the only way that relationship will survive - maybe they should both move to Alice Springs!!!

:laugh: Yeah or Cooper Pedy that's about halfway.

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I've been in Oz since September, following my Australian husband out from the UK. It was traumatic, but the excitement and anticipation kind of eclipsed the bad stuff, and I felt pretty settled as we enjoyed our first 6 weeks or so in Sydney. Things started to go bad for me when the tenants vacated our house and we made the move to the Blue Mountains

 

You're not hating Australia, you're hating the small corner of it where you're living right now, which is nothing like most of the rest of the country! The upper mountains are very isolated - if you're not a country girl then no wonder you're feeling lonely and unhappy. I would hate it, and I've lived in Sydney for nearly 30 years. It's not like living in Sydney at all. And I wonder if when you talk about "going into Sydney" you mean going to Penrith, which also don't feel much like the real Sydney to me.

 

I assume your oh comes from Sydney and that's why you chose it? It's a crazy city to choose if you're not well off because housing is so expensive compared to the rest of the country. So I'd say you could certainly find a part of the country that would suit your tastes and your budget a lot better. However, that also partly depends on where you and your oh can get work.

 

Right now I think you have to talk to your oh, first and foremost. If you're going to make another move it has to be something that will work for both of you.


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Marisa - you mention tax and pension implications upon moving back to the UK for retirement - my parents are thinking about moving back - care to elaborate?

 

OP - Australia is a country of extremes. I think you need to weigh up very carefully if and why you want to stay. How do you find the people - Australians?

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You're not hating Australia, you're hating the small corner of it where you're living right now, which is nothing like most of the rest of the country! The upper mountains are very isolated - if you're not a country girl then no wonder you're feeling lonely and unhappy. I would hate it, and I've lived in Sydney for nearly 30 years. It's not like living in Sydney at all. And I wonder if when you talk about "going into Sydney" you mean going to Penrith, which also don't feel much like the real Sydney to me.

 

I assume your oh comes from Sydney and that's why you chose it? It's a crazy city to choose if you're not well off because housing is so expensive compared to the rest of the country. So I'd say you could certainly find a part of the country that would suit your tastes and your budget a lot better. However, that also partly depends on where you and your oh can get work.

 

Right now I think you have to talk to your oh, first and foremost. If you're going to make another move it has to be something that will work for both of you.

 

I totally agree with the post above ,hence i quoted it rather than wrote in my own words, definately speak to your other half about how your feeling. You must do something, as your obviously very unhappy and for what its worth i am enjoying living in Australia but when you described your surroundings and situation i too would be like you and feeling down and very unimpressed.

Lots of luck and i hope things improve for you soon.

 

Cal x


If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place...

If you get a chance,take it, If it changes your life,let it. Nobody said it would be easy they just said it would be worth it...

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First and foremost, the Blue Mountains are cold and wet - it gets worse in the depths of winter and the tourists go away. It is pretty on sunny days, but they re few and far between. It is expensive and the shops in Katoomba are as good as it gets. My parents in law live there and I wouldn't join them if you paid me.

 

On the other hand, the issues about high cost of living, being poor, etc. do seem to ease with time. I felt the same was when I first moved some 5 years ago. I converted prices to Sterling as was shocked. I was passing money like water as the expenses of setting up a new home are huge; and people do take advantage. But with time, the one off expenses reduce; you start to find cheaper ways to live rather than just recreating the UK life; and you stop converting prices. You get established in the workplace and get paid more - a little extra can go a long way.

 

Family back home will always give cause for concern. You can't do much about it other than become selfish and sometimes don't think too deeply about it.

 

I agree with others that you need to talk to your husband and work out a joint plan of approach. There is more to Australia than the Blue Mountains, but equally, if you are not in the right headspace for it, there is no guarantee that moving elsewhere in Oz is going to work for you. There is no shame in changing plans - only with sticking with a wrong decision just because you want to avoid admitting it was wrong.

 

Good luck with whatever you try.


Feb 2010 Prospective Marriage Visa | Nov 2010 Temporary Partner Visa | Nov 2012 Permanent Partner Visa | Jan 2015 Australian Citizenship

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