Is this a selfish thing to do?

[MovingtoTasmania]

I can relate to a lot of what you say about how Britain is changing and not necessarily for the better but I am not sure, with all the family ties, your business and everything else you have going for you, that in your shoes, I would do the same thing.

 

What is it about Australia that appeals to you? Or perhaps after carrying everyone for so long, you've simply had enough and now want to move on and live a bit for yourself? If you have a relatively successful business could you not spend say 3 months of the year holidaying somewhere to alleviate the stresses? Australia is a long way away and it's no paradise island I'm sorry to say.

[adele244]

I can relate to a lot of what you say about how Britain is changing and not necessarily for the better but I am not sure, with all the family ties, your business and everything else you have going for you, that in your shoes, I would do the same thing.

 

What is it about Australia that appeals to you? Or perhaps after carrying everyone for so long, you've simply had enough and now want to move on and live a bit for yourself? If you have a relatively successful business could you not spend say 3 months of the year holidaying somewhere to alleviate the stresses? Australia is a long way away and it's no paradise island I'm sorry to say.

 

Hi there,

 

I think you have hit the nail on the head!, the business has been successful (but don't get me wrong we are not "rolling in it" by any means!!), but yes I do feel that we have kept the business on for others (in fact sometimes my husband says he feels shackled by it) In actual fact my husband could probably earn more being employed by someone else, he would also get those things called "holidays" (I'm lucky if he takes 2 weeks off a year) But we are prepared that we could have to work harder over there.

 

Australia appeals as there is no language barrier and as we have a 4 and 10 year old, I think it would be hard and not fair for them to learn a new language in a different country, it also appeals as I am hoping that the children would have more of a outdoor lifestyle (although there have been a few warnings on my theory of this)

 

So unfortunately the 3 months break sounds lovely but with the children it is not possible. x x x

[MovingtoTasmania]

It's a tough one hon and I don't envy you having to make these decisions. Now that my house has sold and even though we only accepted the offer late last night, the buyers have instructed their solicitors, I'm having cold feet. I went out in the garden earlier to cry in secret under the guise of having a cigarette. It's really stupid I know (crying I mean) but I really do understand what you are going through and how you feel hon xxx

[DavidCellist]

Are you certain Australia would work for you? I am an Australian national with an English wife and children and the move did not work out. Heading back to Blighty in four weeks Missed - classical music, National Trust houses, holidays in France...do not discount all of this. England is a great country - do not let yourselves be influenced by people telling you Oz is the greatest country on Earth. It must work for all of you. Peace, Davidcellist

[Alijane]

Hi there!

It sounds like two dilemma's masked as one;

1) Do I sell our business ( you have explained your hubby feels shackled and you are supporting your family)

2) Should we move to Oz (because you had a lovely holiday and need a change)

 

I think it would be wise to separate the two issues first. Why not sell the business/distance yourself or whatever first and stay in the UK a little bit longer (even only 12 mnths). Then decide if you still want to move to Aus after that. That way if you move, you are moving for a change of lifestyle and for yourself/family, without taking the guilt with you. The guilt would only cloud your experience once you have moved if you do both things at once.

 

Could you have a hiatus from the business for 6-12 months - keep it but get someone else to run it whilst you trial a period of time in Aus first? They say the first 6-12 months is like a holiday then reality hits! I also imagine that if you sell, move to Aus then decide you don't want to stay down under, you would move back to the UK and feel in a bit of a predicament. ?? Perhaps? So I guess I am saying try to separate the two issues first. Also, look at bit more closely at the being over 40 part. It may not be such a big barrier to emigrating being older than 40.

You may also find that selling the business and staying in the UK is enough for you. You may no longer feel the need to emigrate. Like everyone has said, it depends on the reasons for moving.

Just saying

Good luck. I don't envy your position!

[Alijane]

oh one more thing....I don't know about the rest of Aus, but the house prices here in Melbourne are ridiculously expensive so I guess that is also a factor to consider

[adele244]

Hi there!

It sounds like two dilemma's masked as one;

1) Do I sell our business ( you have explained your hubby feels shackled and you are supporting your family)

2) Should we move to Oz (because you had a lovely holiday and need a change)

 

I think it would be wise to separate the two issues first. Why not sell the business/distance yourself or whatever first and stay in the UK a little bit longer (even only 12 mnths). Then decide if you still want to move to Aus after that. That way if you move, you are moving for a change of lifestyle and for yourself/family, without taking the guilt with you. The guilt would only cloud your experience once you have moved if you do both things at once.

 

Could you have a hiatus from the business for 6-12 months - keep it but get someone else to run it whilst you trial a period of time in Aus first? They say the first 6-12 months is like a holiday then reality hits! I also imagine that if you sell, move to Aus then decide you don't want to stay down under, you would move back to the UK and feel in a bit of a predicament. ?? Perhaps? So I guess I am saying try to separate the two issues first. Also, look at bit more closely at the being over 40 part. It may not be such a big barrier to emigrating being older than 40.

You may also find that selling the business and staying in the UK is enough for you. You may no longer feel the need to emigrate. Like everyone has said, it depends on the reasons for moving.

Just saying

Good luck. I don't envy your position!

 

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I will read your post again and digest it all. We are starting to think that to keep the business on whilst we are away, would be a "safe" thing to do, so definately we are on with that thought. Thank. You for taking the time to reply x

[adele244]

It's a tough one hon and I don't envy you having to make these decisions. Now that my house has sold and even though we only accepted the offer late last night, the buyers have instructed their solicitors, I'm having cold feet. I went out in the garden earlier to cry in secret under the guise of having a cigarette. It's really stupid I know (crying I mean) but I really do understand what you are going through and how you feel hon xxx

 

Oh my, well done for getting the house sold! But I can only imagine what you are feeling, I suppose it's all become so real now, and I certainly don't blame you for having a good cry, I think I would be having the same feelings as you. Do you just think it is cold feet, or could it be more? I fact it's making my stomach butterfly, coz I know that's what I would be like in your shoes. Thinking of you x x x

[MovingtoTasmania]

Oh my, well done for getting the house sold! But I can only imagine what you are feeling, I suppose it's all become so real now, and I certainly don't blame you for having a good cry, I think I would be having the same feelings as you. Do you just think it is cold feet, or could it be more? I fact it's making my stomach butterfly, coz I know that's what I would be like in your shoes. Thinking of you x x x

 

I think it's because we are having a quick sale as they are cash buyers so the tickets we bought to validate hubby's visa in December will be used instead to just move over and it seems a bit daunting all of a sudden. I know that when I next go to London, it'll be for the last time and I will never see my beloved aunt alive again and it's making me feel so sad. Also my son is saying he doesn't want to move and will stay behind. Leaving my gorgeous grandchildren too is a wrench. My daughter just had an op on her eyes on Monday and I'm still a bit all over the place emotionally. I am excited to be returning but having spent so many years here it's a bit daunting too xxx

[Marisawright]

Hi there,

 

I think you have hit the nail on the head!, the business has been successful (but don't get me wrong we are not "rolling in it" by any means!!), but yes I do feel that we have kept the business on for others (in fact sometimes my husband says he feels shackled by it)

 

Australia appeals as there is no language barrier and as we have a 4 and 10 year old, I think it would be hard and not fair for them to learn a new language in a different country, it also appeals as I am hoping that the children would have more of a outdoor lifestyle (although there have been a few warnings on my theory of this)

 

 

It seems to me that it's the business you want to escape, not the UK. Just selling the business - and perhaps moving to a sunnier part of England - would probably work just as well, if not better, than moving halfway around the world.

 

I may be drawing a long bow, but is the problem that your family wouldn't forgive you for selling the business unless you do something drastic like moving to another country?

 

You say you don't like what England is becoming - but the whole world is changing like that, not just the UK, so moving will not change that. That leaves the sun as being your only reason, which simply doesn't sound like a strong enough reason to spend $40,00 or $50,000, uproot your family and take them to a strange country where they have no family and no friends.

 

I second Alijane that it would be wiser to sell the business first, then see how it feels to be free of those shackles - you may find life is good and you don't need to move after all.

Edited November 12, 2014 by Marisawright

[adele244]

It seems to me that it's the business you want to escape, not the UK. Just selling the business - and perhaps moving to a sunnier part of England - would probably work just as well, if not better, than moving halfway around the world.

 

I may be drawing a long bow, but is the problem that your family wouldn't forgive you for selling the business unless you do something drastic like moving to another country?

 

You say you don't like what England is becoming - but the whole world is changing like that, not just the UK, so moving will not change that. That leaves the sun as being your only reason, which simply doesn't sound like a strong enough reason to spend $40,00 or $50,000, uproot your family and take them to a strange country where they have no family and no friends.

 

I second Alijane that it would be wiser to sell the business first, then see how it feels to be free of those shackles - you may find life is good and you don't need to move after all.

 

Marisa, you are really delving into the depths of my soul!! You should be a psychiatrist! Ha ha!

 

Ok, I'm gonna bare all now (and on a public forum heck!) but if you are going to be kind enough to help me with this you probably need all the facts.

 

Here goes... As I said earlier I have an older brother with special needs, nothing major, he is now married. He just has learning difficulties and a bit slow and almost sulky child like.

Now my Mum, I love my Mum dearly, more than I can possibly express, my father less so. this is because he is like a horse with blinkers in his vision he sees only brother, his whole life revolves around ensuring that my brothers life is as smooth as possible. This is where we have had many arguments, he mollycoddles him to a ridiculous level, he sorts out every single problem he has, he speaks for him on the phone (he is totally capable of doing this himself) but Dad chooses and wants to do it for him. He was having problems at a part time job and Dad went into have a meeting with the boss!!! basically my brother adapts to his surroundings, so he simply lets dad take over and do everything for him, if I am honest he is lazy through this. But it is not his fault, Dad has caused this and endless rows have been had, but nothing changes. The only thing I see is that he is doing him more harm than good! Dad won't be around forever and Goodness knows how he will cope because I am certainly not going to take up those reigns!!

I left to join the Airforce at 17 it broke my mums heart but I felt free at being away from it all, I didn't have to see and deal with it on a daily basis.

Now 21 years later, nothing has changed? Dads relationship with brother is almost obsessive like, and Dad says whilst he is on this planet he will do everything he can for him period! We all live in a small village close together and I have a mixture of anger and constant worry which because I see it And have to deal with it every day. If I couldn't see it going on I would be fine, ignorance really is bliss! but I have no choice and I do see it. I am constantly thinking when my parents are no longer here, we are going to have so much to deal with, as he has literally been carried all his life. Because we all work together I see it everyday i have anxious feelings everyday and at some point i get angry every single day because of what I see. I worry for the future. There has been arguments between my husband and Dad because of how he treats him at work (sometimes I'm a bit embarrassed by it) even the employees say "he does everything for him" so hubby knows the score and I actually think that he can also see what the future holds for us and he to wants out too. No matter how much I talk to Dad, he will not change his ways, I think it is now programmed in to him.

I think we need a fresh start, My Dad would be extremely peed off if we sold up and lived in Australia but that would ONLY be pure panic on what my brother will do. So much so he would probably fall out with us, but I'm at stage where I know we have to get away from it all for my own sanity and Australia always has been a bit of a dream, so why not!

I ran away from it all at 17 and it was a huge relief and I suppose in a way, I am running away again, but this time I feel selfish as many people will be affected. But yes I am running away.

 

There! I have bared my soul and I do apologise for the mahoooosive novel!!!

[MaggieMay24]

Dad needs to let go, but that's obviously not news to you. In many ways, I think you'd be doing your brother a favour if you sold up and moved to Australia - it would mean your brother and father may not be working together which may give your brother some space and freedom. I'm also guessing your dad is perhaps trying to set you up as his replacement (in taking care of your brother's every need) when he's no longer able to? Where does your brother's wife fit into this? If I were here, I'd have told your dad to back off pretty quickly.

[Alijane]

I really feel for you..but I can't help thinking that you are so exasperated at what's going on, that planning a move abroad IS running away. I do agree with maggiemay that selling up would perhaps do your brother a favour and kick start his wife and him into fending for themselves, but emigrating seems too drastic at the moment. It really is a huge expense and a lot of work just to show your dad that you aren't putting up with his behaviour anymore. I feel that you would be better off selling up and moving to a different part of the UK and then when the dust has settled, see if you still have the desire to start a new life on the other side of the world. It is a big deal emigrating. Make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

[VERYSTORMY]

I agree with the above.

There are many good reasons for wanting to move to oz and many bad reasons and one of the worst is to run away from a problem. I think there are many other options for solving your problems than going through what is a very expensive and stressful process.

[Marisawright]

Marisa, you are really delving into the depths of my soul!! You should be a psychiatrist! Ha ha!

 

I suppose in a way, I am running away again, but this time I feel selfish as many people will be affected. But yes I am running away.

 

 

 

So, why do you have to run so far away? Why can't you run to Exeter or Edinburgh?

 

Moving to Australia to run away from something is very common. It never works and usually ends in tears. Moving to a new country is very stressful - you will only survive the tough early years if you have a strong commitment to it. You may say you'll be committed but you know you're not - you're just committed to getting AWAY FROM something else. That's not enough, honestly.

 

If you're determined to go through with it, then view it as an adventure because there's a very good chance you will be heading home again after a few years. And that adventure is likely to cost you around $50,000 in travel and setup costs in each direction - so make sure you can afford to lose that much before you commit.

[adele244]

Thanks Marisa I totally understand your point and as I have written I am well aware that I am running away from a problem. However, that isn't the only reason, It has always been an ambition of mine to live in Australia. This then just makes me a regular person with the regular dream but the family problem adds that extra kick to do it. Your advice of relocating to somewhere else in the UK is sound and logical but I simply have no desire to live anywhere else in the UK. Even if I didn't have this "problem" I would still want to move to Australia regardless.

I hope I am making myself understood (it is hard to put in words sometimes) but I want to make known that I don't simply want to get away and Oz seemed the furthest so I'll go for that! Emigrating came first the other problem is secondary (although huge to me) but has simply made me more determined to do it.

[adele244]

Dad needs to let go, but that's obviously not news to you. In many ways, I think you'd be doing your brother a favour if you sold up and moved to Australia - it would mean your brother and father may not be working together which may give your brother some space and freedom. I'm also guessing your dad is perhaps trying to set you up as his replacement (in taking care of your brother's every need) when he's no longer able to? Where does your brother's wife fit into this? If I were here, I'd have told your dad to back off pretty quickly.

 

Hi Maggie, thanks for your reply. Even if they didn't work together, they only live 5 mins walk apart so that wouldn't change much, and anyway my brother enjoys all the relationship, it is totally a 2 way thing. As you usually find, a person with problems tend to end up with like minded people. She's a lovely girl but also has problems too, on anti depressants, very quiet and has very little confidence and nervous. So again, she is more than happy to go along with it. For example they are in their forties and they sleep over at my parents 1-2 a week, they enjoy it. I think it is because they sit at home don't really "get out there" they don't drive, so alot of their social life relies on parents taking them places. Thanks again Maggie x

[Marisawright]

This then just makes me a regular person with the regular dream

 

Yes, but we're always advising people not to come to Australia chasing a dream, either! A dream implies rose-coloured glasses, and it needs to be a hard-headed decision. When I came to Australia 30 years ago it was a land of opportunity - plenty of jobs, good pay, people lived on quarter-acre blocks they could never afford in the UK. Programs like Neighbours and Home & Away are still showing that Australia, not the real one! Australia has grown up since then and it's now just another first world country with the same problems - unemployment, racial tension, etc etc. Pay is still higher but so is the cost of living so you will end up in about the same place.

 

The important thing is that you're clear on why you're doing it, and because this thread has made you write down your motivations, I hope that's made things clearer for you. I would lay the issue aside for now and focus on planning your reconnaissance trip - try to make it as long as you can - and then decide.