What To Do? Dithering hopelessly

[Marisawright]

This is a rant really, just need to get it off my chest.

 

So, I've established that the tax on Aussie bank accounts isn't too onerous and I've got my Australian investment property on the market, so once that's sold there's no tax obstacles to going back to the UK. Still a small concern about the Aussie pension, but we won't qualify for that for years so not going to worry about it.

 

But do we really want to go?????

 

I'm unusual on these forums in that I have no great hankering to go back to the UK, and I've never been that close to family. What's driving the move is my husband, who had a bout of basal cell carcinoma two years ago, and discovered during treatment that he's developed an allergy to the sun. He's also now paranoid about the risk of more skin cancers. So I can't get him to set foot outside the door until after 5 in the summer! We're not beach or sporty people but we did used to enjoy long walks - no longer.

 

So, if we stay in Sydney, I have three choices:

 

1. Turn into a vampire and only go out when it's dark.

2. Resign myself to us living separate lives, and I go out during the day by myself.

3. Divorce!

 

When we were in the UK he was quite happy to walk around in the sun - his skin felt far more comfortable even on a sunny day. We now understand that's because even on a summer's day, the UV index rarely gets anywhere near as high as it does in Australia. So, I can see us leading a more normal life in the UK than we can here. It will probably be healthier for my asthma too, and we'll have so much more to see and do (we're very into history and love visiting Europe).

 

All very logical and sounds like a plan, right? So why can't I get more enthusiastic about it?

 

It doesn't help that my husband is dubious about it. He says that if he won the lotto, he'd be straight on a plane to Europe because that's where he'd rather be - but that he worries the move is going to be too expensive for us in our current financial situation. He has no problem with staying indoors all day so he's not driven to find a solution like I am.

 

So if this move is going to happen, I'm going to have to put my foot down and insist on it. So I'm going to wear it if it goes tits up. Am I just being chicken?

[3FatCats]

No. This is a major life change, it is understandable! I can't recall all your details (sorry...) but do you have the option of spending, say, a period of 3-6 months in the UK maybe from spring to summer? The circumstances of your husband's health do seem to point to a milder climate but if you don't feel enthusiasm really sit down and try to figure out why. Are you just a bit scared or deep down living in Aus is right for you? Whatever your decision, staying in Aus is going to be a compromise anyway isn't it? I wouldn't relish the whole vampire thing... would somewhere like Tassie be an option?

[Guest]

Hmm, I have to say if this was a reverse situation and someone was saying there other half didn't want to go out in the UK weather and didn't really mind that but they were hoping it would be different in Australia I would be advising them to stay put and find other ways of addressing the issues.

 

I do understand there are some very specific health issues in your husband's case that means the UK climate may suit him better but it sounds like anxiety is a bigger problem - are his Dr's actually saying he should go out during the day? I have my doubts that your lifestyle will significantly change in the UK - whichever way the move it rarely does!

 

If he was 100% committed I would tend to say 'go for it but be realistic' but as he is reluctant due to the finances it doesn't bode too well. As you say it'll be on your head if it goes tits up!

 

I think 2FatCats has made some sensible suggestions - move within Australia to a cooler climate and if the summer is still too hot spend it in Europe Even in Perth there was only really two months a year where it was THAT hot (felt like longer!). That way you get to keep everything that's familiar, keep your pension and tax affairs simple and get an annual injection of European culture.

 

Could you take a years 'sabbatical' in the UK - see if it delivers the lifestyle you want, hard I truly know but try to live on the income you would expect to have there and reassess at the end of the year? I certainly wouldn't in your position do anything irreversible until you were sure the UK was going to deliver.

 

I don't think you are being chicken, you are being very realistic and that is what you need to be. If money was no object we might all make different choices but we have to make the best decisions with the parameters we have and that includes less money than we'd like and less than perfect partners

[Quoll]

I think I'd be trying the sabbatical option if it was an option - it's hard to know how things will pan out but it doesn't sound like your older age future is going to deliver you amazing togetherness which is sad if that's what you'd planned. Keep all your options open and suck it and see! You never know it may be just what you need or it will make things clear about where you go to next. Good Luck, whichever way you jump.

[Jacaranda]

I'm not sure the UK is the best place for you.I've been back in the UK for nearly a month and I already have a tan!lol I never deliberately bake myself in the sun,never have.I've just acquired a tan from riding my bike into town,an hour up the allotment?I went for a power walk tonight around 5pm,sunny outside and actually felt pretty warm!Surely your OH is'nt that restricted as to not even being allowed to go outside in the shade?I mean really hon,who would want to go outside in Oz between 11am-3pm mid summer anyway?So......you could go out shopping and whatever.It does'nt necessarily mean you're literally stuck inside 24/7.You could drive to the beach or a river and sit in the shade of tree's?Go to the pub,most often than not,they usually have shades outside,indoor swimming pool?Cinema,sports club.

[Marisawright]

No. This is a major life change, it is understandable! I can't recall all your details (sorry...) but do you have the option of spending, say, a period of 3-6 months in the UK maybe from spring to summer? The circumstances of your husband's health do seem to point to a milder climate but if you don't feel enthusiasm really sit down and try to figure out why. Are you just a bit scared or deep down living in Aus is right for you? Whatever your decision, staying in Aus is going to be a compromise anyway isn't it? I wouldn't relish the whole vampire thing... would somewhere like Tassie be an option?

 

If my husband's worried we can't afford to move to the UK, I can't imagine him agreeing to maintain two homes in two different countries! Or even to having a very long holiday in Europe every single year.

 

We've talked about Tassie, but I'm a city girl born and bred so Hobart would be the only option - and even that's only 200,000 people so I worry I'd go stir crazy. People tell me they have to fly to Melbourne just to go clothes shopping.

[Marisawright]

I've been back in the UK for nearly a month and I already have a tan! Surely your OH is'nt that restricted as to not even being allowed to go outside in the shade? So......you could go out shopping and whatever.It does'nt necessarily mean you're literally stuck inside 24/7.You could drive to the beach or a river and sit in the shade of tree's?Go to the pub,most often than not,they usually have shades outside,indoor swimming pool?Cinema,sports club.

 

It's only when you strike something like this that you do the research. Yes, the sun shines in the UK and Europe, but go and look up the UV index and you'll see there's a huge difference, even though it feels much the same to you and me. Most of Australia has "extreme" or "high" UV most of the year, and that's what he reacts to. Like I said, when we visited the UK - and this was before he knew about the allergy, he just thought he burned easily - he always commented on how it was funny he could get away with being in the sun there. Now we know why - it's the intensity that's the issue.

 

I'm not a sitting around kind of person. I like to get out and do stuff! Besides, he won't go out in the car because you can get burned through the windscreen - so how do we get there?

Edited October 1, 2014 by Marisawright

[Marisawright]

I do understand there are some very specific health issues in your husband's case that means the UK climate may suit him better but it sounds like anxiety is a bigger problem - are his Dr's actually saying he should go out during the day?

 

I think 2FatCats has made some sensible suggestions - move within Australia to a cooler climate and if the summer is still too hot spend it in Europe Even in Perth there was only really two months a year where it was THAT hot (felt like longer!).

 

Of course it's anxiety! His skin does get uncomfortable - when the UV is extreme it gets prickly within about 10 minutes - but it can't be too bad, because before he had skin cancer we did go out in the sun quite often. And that's why I think our lifestyle would change if we went to the UK - before the diagnosis, we were out doing stuff every day together.

 

It's not the heat that's the issue, it's the UV index. Anywhere north of Adelaide, the UV index is high most of the year, even on a cool day. In summer, it's extreme - something that almost never happens in most of Europe! That's why the skin cancer risk is so dramatically higher in Australia.

 

To get the equivalent of European UV, we'd need to go to Tassie - and as a big city girl, I'm not at all sure I'd settle there. As for spending every summer in Europe - I wish that were an option, but every way I crunch the numbers on that, it would seem to cost more than a permanent move.

Edited October 1, 2014 by Marisawright

[Aunt Agatha]

Despite the fact that I am moving back soon and mostly for family reasons, I have not been suffering homesickness or pining for my parents or UK friends either so I know where you are coming from. My parents are really great and I love them but I've just never been a home bird. This has given me doubts about our move but TBH it wasn't a lifelong dream to come to Australia, just a cool opportunity we thought would be fun (and it was!)

 

What I'm getting at is that I don't think you have to be desperate to go back to the UK in order to make the move or to settle upon arrival, you just need a sense of adventure which I am certain you have. Cancer is a terrifying thing and it sounds like fear is driving your husband's wish to move and I think that's as good a reason as any. It isn't an unfounded fear since he IS much more likely to get skin cancer again living here and I would want to escape the UV in his situation too. I think you'll get your life back if you move to the UK as you'll be out walking again etc.

 

I sent AGES dithering about whether or not to move back and now the decision is made it's a great weight off my shoulders. I still torture myself with the occasional "what if" as I'm an over-thinker but for the most part I am really excited about what lies ahead.

[Marisawright]

Thanks Aunt Agatha, sounds like we are very similar in our feelings about both Australia and the UK! And yes, I do feel I'd get my life back if we went to the UK, upheaval though it may be. I didn't mention that his father died of skin cancer. He's not in any danger himself but still, I can understand why it has hit him so hard.

[Aunt Agatha]

Yes I'm one of those love it there, love it here people! (Though not loving the 31 degree heat today, I have to confess). Sorry to hear about your husband's father, that must weigh heavily on his mind. Where would you move to if you do go for it?

[Marisawright]

Yes I'm one of those love it there, love it here people! (Though not loving the 31 degree heat today, I have to confess). Sorry to hear about your husband's father, that must weigh heavily on his mind. Where would you move to if you do go for it?

 

I've got family in London and Exeter. I'm thinking Bristol because I lived there before and liked it, but that was 35 years ago so I wonder if I'll even recognise it!

[Aunt Agatha]

Bristol is very cool these days, we seriously considered it but decided it was too far away from our family in the North. I'm still sorely tempted though!

[Quoll]

I've got family in London and Exeter. I'm thinking Bristol because I lived there before and liked it, but that was 35 years ago so I wonder if I'll even recognise it!

We left Bristol 35 years ago and, no, you probably won't recognize it! It's very "cool" as AA says! There are probably cheaper places to live though - check out RightMove - I'm wishing we hadn't sold our house in Kingsdown way back then it'd have been a grand investment to have had!

[Jacaranda]

Yes Marisa,I know a fair bit about skin cancer.I have two siblings that have had it.One of them 3 times!!!And yes both live in Oz.I understand about the UV factor (I myself spent 30 yrs living there)and yes even I found the sun at the end of this winter quite intense,was only around 18c but it did feel very strong compared to the UK at the same temp.I guess I was just trying to make suggestions for you because you did'nt sound overly keen to live back in the UK.Yes I realise the sun shining through car windows is alot stronger,can you get the car windows tinted?

Perhaps then the UK is a better option for you?Bristol is a great place,trains to London and down to Exeter,a really good airport,and if you need more flight options,Gatwick and Heathrow are'nt that far away.Bristol is very big on culture and always has alot entertainment wise going on there,its very vibrant!Good luck with whatever you choose hon,no decision is ever a mistake!

[Marisawright]

Yes Marisa,I know a fair bit about skin cancer.I have two siblings that have had it.One of them 3 times!!!And yes both live in Oz.I understand about the UV factor (I myself spent 30 yrs living there)and yes even I found the sun at the end of this winter quite intense,was only around 18c but it did feel very strong compared to the UK at the same temp.I guess I was just trying to make suggestions for you because you did'nt sound overly keen to live back in the UK.Yes I realise the sun shining through car windows is alot stronger,can you get the car windows tinted?

Perhaps then the UK is a better option for you?Bristol is a great place,trains to London and down to Exeter,a really good airport,and if you need more flight options,Gatwick and Heathrow are'nt that far away.Bristol is very big on culture and always has alot entertainment wise going on there,its very vibrant!Good luck with whatever you choose hon,no decision is ever a mistake!

 

Thanks Melza! Yes, the windows are already tinted. The trouble is, really, that my husband is operating on fear not logic. At first, straight after his op, I hoped it would wear off - but two years down the track it's no better. I am a big city girl so that's why other parts of Australia don't have much appeal. Bristol does sound as though it has that big city vibe.

[Guest]

I think you have made your mind up

 

You don't fancy a return to the country of your birth? Glasgow and Edinburgh are both fantastic cities and the cost of living is much lower than in the South. We are 25 mins outside Edinburgh city centre and have just paid under £200k for a large 4 bed detached house, the small three bed we rent out is worth about £130k.

 

Heath care is better in Scotland - prescriptions are currently entirely free and my son and I both have complex needs and have had incredible treatment. Just this week he had a hospital appointment for orthotics and he is getting custom made ones which will be replaced every 6 months - completely free. In Australia custom-made ones would have cost me $500 and it just wasn't viable when they need replacing so often (or get lost, though to give him credit it has only happened once in 4 years...and that was my fault!)

 

My Dr's surgery phoned me just this week to ask if i would like a flu vaccine - again free of charge.

 

Scotland is only my adopted home but I wouldn't live anywhere else.....and it's even less sunny

[Aunt Agatha]

Wow, I hadn't realised it was so affordable so close to Edinburgh. That's very interesting!!

[Marisawright]

You don't fancy a return to the country of your birth?

 

Although I grew up in Scotland, I never felt at home - I was sent to speech therapy before I went to primary school to cure a speech impediment, and came out of it speaking like the Queen. Needless to say I got teased mercilessly and the worse thing was, I couldn't develop a convincing Scottish accent no matter how much I tried! I even got left out of my class's entry to the Mod (speaking Burns poetry). As an adult I lived in various places in Scotland and the South of England, and always felt more comfortable in England - maybe I just had a complex about the accent from my childhood, I don't know.

 

I did live in Edinburgh briefly and really liked it - but I'd heard it was very expensive, maybe I need to rethink that! However one of the attractions of the south is that most of my family is down there now. Also closer to the continent, though I suppose we'd be more likely to fly than ferry.

Edited October 3, 2014 by Marisawright