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crazyegg

Sending the wife and kids first, are we crazy?

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Be very interested in your folks opinions on this radical and potentially stupid plan of ours.

 

Moving to Australia is gonna happen for us, we have our PR and cannot contemplate letting the opportunity slip. We have 3 years still to make the move (2 years after the visa was granted).

 

So, it remains only the matter of when, not if.

 

The dilemma for us is that the 2 big factors in our lives clash and force us to question our priorities.

 

Our eldest is just about to complete primary school in the UK so after this UK academic year (July 14) is a good opportunity to make the transition. I know she'll have to re-sit the final year of primary in Oz before moving up but hopefully she can do this relatively easily, make some new Oz friends and hopefully move up to secondary together with a few of them. What we're trying to avoid is having her start secondary twice, i.e. start once, leave, then start again in Oz. This is a big step and can be traumatic for some kids as they try to fit in and adjust to the world of the big kids etc. Certainly we want to give her the best chance to be happy.

 

Right now, she's excited about the move and doing another year in primary. Starting secondary here before pulling her away from her friends in couple of years to then face the challenges of starting a new school in Oz might change her mind on that though. She might not be as keen to make the move a couple of a years down the line :-/

 

Unfortunately, this clashes with an opportunity that's arisen at work. I was all set to leave as per the timetable above but now it seems that if I stay on a couple of years, I can leave with the family in a much more comfortable financial position.

 

So, our current plan is that my wife and kids leave this autumn as planned but I stay on in the UK a couple of years. I would miss them incredibly and it goes without saying I'd be spending every day of my annual leave (and more if possible) in Oz, but primarily I shall remain based in the UK for a while longer.

 

Are we crazy?

 

It feels wrong to put money before our family's happiness but the reality is, the amount of money at stake could make a big difference to all our lives and I don't feel strong enough to walk away from the opportunity. I also don't want the kids to miss out on their new life in Oz, so letting them go as planned seems to be the logical option. I don't want to delay them.

 

I'm also comforting myself in the knowledge that if this becomes just too heart-breaking and I can't live without the family all this time, then I can just throw the towel in here, quit the job, and hop on a plane to join them. It's not an irreversible decision.

 

Apart from insight re the emotional side, I wondered if anyone could also help me with more of the practical questions, such as...

 

- If I send money to Oz every month, will my wife be taxed on this? She will not be working.

 

- Does me not being there mess anything else up in the Aussie system, i.e. Medicare, schools etc

 

- Can my wife import her car this year as she arrives AND I import my car in a couple of years when I arrive, or is this a one time deal this year?

 

- Can we buy a house and get a mortgage if I'm not resident in Oz and she is but not working?

 

- Does this affect my Visa? If I take it to the wire, and only arrive just before the end of the 5 year period, I know I can apply for a RRV, but how does my family situation affect this? If they've been settled in the Oz for 2/3 years at this point.

 

Finally, and this is the really important one. Has anyone done something similar or know someone else who has? I know there's a few examples of the husband going first for work and the family following on, but I can't find an example of the other way around :-/

 

Thanks in advance! :confused:

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Do you have family/friends out in Oz already who can help your wife out with the kids? If not, that's going to be tough on her trying to sort a new life and having the kids on her own.

I can understand the pull of having more money to help things out, but you also need to weigh up the emotional strain the family will feel being apart for a couple of years and such a distance apart.

I know every family is different, but I could not make the move without my husband. It's not that I'm not strong enough to do it myself, it's that it's a whole family decision to move and it would be strange if I did everything without him in Australia and then he joined me later on once I had sorted everything out and got into a routine.

Good luck with whatever you decide. what part of Oz are you looking at? I know that, if you decide to stay, you should get your wife to see if anyone on here wants to meet up in the area you are going to :-)


Don't have regrets because you were too scared to try something.

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Don't know which state you're going to, but here in WA year 6 (from this year) is the last year of primary school, so your daughter may be going to High school if she is finishing year 6 and you're coming to WA.

 

Migrating can be quite an isolating experience initially and some people struggle in the early stages. If your wife isn't going to be working then it may also prove a little difficult finding a rental as effectively your wife won't have an income here in Aus - you may also have some difficulty getting a mortgage - I know we had to show we had employment and what our salary was.

 

If you leave it to the wire, it doesn't effect your visa (although you would need a RRV to leave and re-enter) you also would not be eligible for citizenship at the same time as your wife and children.


I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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Personally, I wouldn't. The education aspect isn't nearly as vital as you seem to think (and there will be no re sitting, going back or repeating anything, it's a foreign country with a system she has never experienced before! She will be with her age peers and that's it!) . As long as she is there when she is about to turn 16 all will be pretty straightforward and I'd think she'd be far less stressed if mum and dad were doing this together than having any angst at moving on from friends in her mid teens. It would be very hard for your wife and kids, isolated in a foreign country with no support network, not to mention the cost of running two households.

Edited by Quoll

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Personally, I wouldn't. The education aspect isn't nearly as vital as you seem to think (and there will be no re sitting, going back or repeating anything, it's a foreign country with a system she has never experienced before! She will be with her age peers and that's it!) . As long as she is there when she is about to turn 16 all will be pretty straightforward and I'd think she'd be far less stressed if mum and dad were doing this together than having any angst at moving on from friends in her mid teens. It would be very hard for your wife and kids, isolated in a foreign country with no support network, not to mention the cost of running two households.

 

Oh yes, three years on and we're still recovering from that!

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Sounds like a very bad plan to me on all levels.... breaking up the family - huge stress on wife arriving and being in a foreign place on her own and all that entails - not least the isolation and this is all for a child to fit in with school? Children are very resilient. I really think you need to reconsider. As others have said also paying for two households...and what about you being isolated and away from your family??? Very bad plan all round. You should just wait and all come over together

Edited by dxboz

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Thanks all for the honest replies. Those are all the very same doubts and fears I have, but there are a couple of things to put it into context on why we're even considering it.

 

- We're already displaced within the UK. Work has already forced us to move to a different part of the UK where we're not settled. We know we're only temp here and will 100% not settle permanently. Oz is a chance to put down roots again.

 

- There is no support network where we are currently. Zero. No family nearby and we're not that close to the ones we have. The best relationship within the family is with my wife's sister, who lives in Oz! We may not settle in the same state (she's in NSW, we're thinking of QLD or TAS), but I'm pretty sure we'd actually be much closer to family over there than where we are now. It would realistically go from a visit once every couple of years to every couple of months.

 

- I already travel for work a lot and I'm normally away 1/2 days a week anyway so she's used to coping with the kids by herself.

 

- Re schools, it's not the difference in systems I'm worried about, it's just the starting afresh and making friends etc. It's unavoidable that she has to go through this once (as everyone else does) I just don't want her to go through it twice. We had to have the switch primary schools when we moved within the UK and swore that we would not put them through that again. We promised ourselves that wherever we were come secondary school age, then that's where we should stay.

 

- Re houses, we can afford to buy now but instead choose to rent because of the temp nature of us being here. Moving to Oz would allow us to buy again and my wife feels like she would feel so much happier in her own house than renting as we are now. As hard as doing it by herself may seem, it would actually feel like a step forward with our lives rather than treading water as we are now.

 

- Regarding running 2 households, well believe it or not, we've done our sums and would be actually be better off (if not just about the same as we are now). We also live in an extremely expensive part of the UK currently and that's one of the reasons we want to go. It would be stay paying expensive rent in the UK or a reasonable mortgage in Oz (providing we can get round me not being permanently there)

 

Basically, we're hoping Oz is our forever place so we can settle down again. My wife feels very unsettled here and just wants to make the move to Oz ASAP. She'd leave tomorrow if she could!

 

She already feels isolated where we are because it's so temporary.

 

Really, if we're honest, the decision to go is made. Sometime between Sept 14 and Jan 15 (ready for the next school year in Oz).

 

The only decision is to make is where we spend those 5 months and whether I stay on here for a while (for the money). Not considering ourselves normally money-oriented, this really causes us incredible guilt even contemplating it and forces us to question what's really important in life :-(

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Is your heart really in the move? No way could I let my wife and daughter go out for two years ahead of me or even stay in the UK whilst I went on ahead, maybe at a push a month or two to start a job but not two years. What if something happened illness/break ins etc and you were not there. I think you should forget the money making in the UK and get out to oz asap, already you've waited two years for which I understand, but now seems like a good time.


EOI 28/02/14, CO Assigned 12/05/14. PCC sent 13/05/14. Medicals 19/05/14, 189 PR Visa granted 08/07/14, Flights booked 26/12/14

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If I might make the suggestion - arriving here in advance of the family, I had $700 to my name. I had a job already, and one month later I had two pays (fortnightly) and the family arrived, as planned, to a house I had rented. From there, things went form better to better. It was just perfect.

 

I would strongly suggest that, if you have a job here already, go for it as a united family. The money you could earn here, even if less than what you are aiming for in the UK, will more than be made up by the joy of a united family.


There is nothing more important than that you be happy.

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It sounds as if you should just do it, especially as you can change your mind about joining them if need/want to.

I came back to the UK two years before my oh and it was fine, but I did have the support of all my friends. I'm very independent, but I would not have wanted to do it the other way around - I would have very felt isolated in Aus, not knowing anyone (it was hard enough when we went the first time and we were all together), but if your wife wants to do it and knows what she'll be letting herself in for, why not? You might feel more isolated though...

It won't make much difference whether they go in Sept or January really.

Why not try it and see how it goes? You can always reassess after a few months.

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I am a bit confused as to whether this time apart is two years as per your first post or just five months as suggested later. Either way though, nope don't do it. Migration is a journey best made as a family. I was on a different flight to my OH, five days apart and I still feel sad that we did not make the journey together! Don't put your family and your relationship under this strain, there is more to life than money.

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If it is just for extra money I would not seperately my family for that. I would say go as planned and start your new life together as a family. Nothing can be more important than that.

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I should clarify that the whole reason we're even contemplating this is not just a small amount of money or just a higher salary, it's a big pay off that requires commitment to stay in the UK for a while.

 

I should also clarify that the 'actual' move would be done together, as in we'll be able to travel out together and I can be around to help those early weeks whilst they settle into the rental and schools etc using leave which I've saved up.

 

The hard bit will then be getting on that plane back to blighty by myself and whether I can cope thereafter :-(

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Lots of families live apart...for the sake of money.

 

we all need money...mores the pity. I came out 6 weeks after OH. Looking back it would have made better sense to have left it longer. Not that we Didnt want to be together, but I could have put a plan to work, and got some redundancy.

 

as long as you have an end goal then this could work, but for others, like us, family time takes presidency over money.

 

tbh we out all ourt in our effort when we first came, into making it worked, for everyone, including a stroppy teenager who did not want to come.

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I should clarify that the whole reason we're even contemplating this is not just a small amount of money or just a higher salary, it's a big pay off that requires commitment to stay in the UK for a while.

 

I should also clarify that the 'actual' move would be done together, as in we'll be able to travel out together and I can be around to help those early weeks whilst they settle into the rental and schools etc using leave which I've saved up.

 

The hard bit will then be getting on that plane back to blighty by myself and whether I can cope thereafter :-(

 

Do you notice that nobody who has made the move thinks it is a good idea? There is a reason for that.. :wink:

 

No amount of money would persuade me to live apart from my OH for two years. If the money really is too good a deal to give up then all stay behind, your daughter will just have to change school twice, is that such a big deal? When I progressed from primary, everybody moved with me so it was not new people, is that not the case now, I don't know?

 

You seem concerned about whether you will cope, you should also wonder about how your family will cope, they are the ones in a strange country by themselves.

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There is quite a deal of movement of kids in HS - that really isn't going to be an issue. The only time starting at the same time as everyone else is going to be important is the beginning of yr 11 and she has plenty of time for that. I really do think it's a very bad idea! I know that I would not have wanted to be unemployed, on my own with the kids, isolated in a foreign country with no support network and I figure myself to be one of the strong, independent self sufficient kinds! You lose nothing by all going over together once your commitment is over!

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It sounds as if you've already made up your mind, and there's little for us to offer you in the form of advice that hasn't already been given. It sounds financially, you're already in a better position that some as they start their migration journey. Personally, if you're going to stay, then as the wife, I'd stay too.


I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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Either do this, or all stay in the UK. If you don't take the opportunity at work I reckon you'll be kickiing yourself for a long time about it so make that a priority. As others have said, the school thing isn't such a big deal, but if your wife feels strongly about that and is an independent enough woman to feel she is able to cope without you there for a while, then give that a try. Plenty of single parents for whatever reason around - breakup, FIFO, bereavement etc - so she won't be the first and won't be the last to be a woman on her own with children. Unless she's a shrinking violet who can't function without her man by her side... but that doesn't sound like it's the case!


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Personally I wouldn't want live apart from my hubby for two years , Noway on this earth would I , it is isolated when you don't know anyone and the last thing you want is your wife on the phone balling her eyes out .

 

Before re we emigrated I said to my hubby I'm not going for a life of FIFO , I don't know how people deal with that , I let my hubby do one week FIFO a month , but I wouldn't let him do a massive swing , and he wouldn't want to niether , good if you single but not for a family , 2/3 years is along time be apart , what if something happened like a accident or illness , no no no all come together or a month or two apart , but two yrs Noway would I consider that that's just my opinion though you do what you thinks best .

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I would not embark on the plan that you are proposing either, just would not be able to cope, it's been hard enough with all of us together! But that isn't to say that your family can't do it, just my opinion. As regards schools, my second son started secondary in the uk, and we left in May, then he went back into primary school here for 6 months, and re-started high school in January this year! But, it has not been a disaster at all; he made some good friends at the local primary and now is doing really well at high school. In fact i think that because he had already made the transition before he dealt with it a lot better, he wasn't phased by the hub-up and amount of kids, and was already used to changing classrooms for different subjects too. One thing that you should bear in mind is that here they don't really have 'feeder' primary schools where the majority of pupils go on to the same high school. I asked the head where most kids go when we arrived and she said there were approximately 8 high schools to choose from! So don't count on her moving up with friends she makes in primary (although that may happen...)

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Not sure it makes sense. You say one reason to go is to settle your daughter in high school and not move her. But you don't even know which state you will go to yet. You don't have a job in Oz so when you make the move you may find you can't get a good job where your wife has settled, and you need to move anyway.

 

what is it you do? You obviously travel in the UK are you sure that Tas can offer the work you need for example.


So many wineries ......so little time :yes:

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yes - I think you're crazy.

 

Find another way which doesn't involve splitting your family up for such a long period, I know someone who did similar and witnessed the outcome - no amount of money is worth it.

Edited by ozziepom

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- We're already displaced within the UK. Work has already forced us to move to a different part of the UK where we're not settled. We know we're only temp here and will 100% not settle permanently. Oz is a chance to put down roots again.

 

- There is no support network where we are currently. Zero. No family nearby and we're not that close to the ones we have. The best relationship within the family is with my wife's sister, who lives in Oz! We may not settle in the same state (she's in NSW, we're thinking of QLD or TAS), but I'm pretty sure we'd actually be much closer to family over there than where we are now.

 

- Re houses, we can afford to buy now but instead choose to rent because of the temp nature of us being here. Moving to Oz would allow us to buy again

 

Basically, we're hoping Oz is our forever place so we can settle down again. My wife feels very unsettled here and just wants to make the move to Oz ASAP. She'd leave tomorrow if she could!

 

 

Is there any way work would give you some extended leave, so you could fly over with the family when they move, and stay for a few weeks to see them settled in? That would be really worthwhile if you could do it.

 

It's hard to see why you wouldn't go for it - after all, if your wife decides she's not coping, you can resign and fly out, which comes to the same thing as turning down the job in the first place.

 

By the way, you might like to try this thread for advice about the cars:

http://www.pomsinoz.com/forum/transport-shipping/138727-worth-bringing-my-car-iron-ladys-trusty-new-calculator-reveals-all-88.html

 

Where in NSW is your wife's sister? For ease of visiting, QLD would definitely be better as she can drive, whereas she'd have to fly to get from Tassie.

Edited by Marisawright

Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband granted UK spouse visa March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

My new novel, A Dance With Danger, is due out August 2022

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Do not worry about your daughter and changing schools. Armed forces kids normally have to change schools every couple of years when the parent is redeployed. As has been pointed out to you, they are resilient, and soon make friends. There is no way that I would have ever contemplated the journey we made without my wife and children at my side.


It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

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