Aunt Agatha Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 We have made the decision to move back to the UK early next year based on wanting our children to have a close relationship with their grandparents (who have some health issues) and for us to be able to visit easily and help out. DH and I have not been homesick in the traditional sense and don't pine for our families. We love them but we are very independent. Our folks (mine in particular) would LOVE to have us back and I actually think it would improve their quality of life to have us in the same country. Not that I think we're awesome or anything, I just saw how they came alive in the company of our two small kids. The other reason is the pull of British culture, humour, heritage, access to Europe - all the usual stuff. Edited to add: this stuff really matters to us, more than I realised. We have flagged the NE of England as the place to move to as that's where my folks and most of my family are, we feel we'd getting better value for money in the North and Newcastle and Northumberland are both fantastic. BUT I haven't lived there for twenty years so I'm not sure if it's the right thing for me. Sometimes moving to the town/region of your birth can feel like a big step backwards, as well as a homecoming. DH and I both feel the same that we are happy here and were happy there (we were only supposed to be in Aus for four years but have now been here ten). He is more keen than me to move back but would also stay if that's what I wanted. He's very laid back and is happy as long as he is with me and the kids. As mentioned on another thread: UK for culture, Oz for weather, UK for family, Oz for opportunity - the comparisons never end and when you don't dislike one or the other place it's a bit torturous. Moving to Aus set us back financially - not because of the country but because I came out here to study and left a well-paid job in London. I've had several years without an income or super/pension contributions and we also stepped off the property ladder. DH is due a decent bonus in Oct and we have pegged that to fund the move back (which is VERY expensive IMHO). If we didn't move back we'd have a nice chunk towards a house deposit and could "undo" some of the financial ground we have lost. We both agree that Aus is better for our careers, although our careers aren't top of the agenda. Ping ponging/an extended holiday is not an option for us so the pressure is really on. Apologies for the essay, after feeling so confident with our decision I am having some quite serious doubts and it feels like the unanswerable question. Would love to hear your thoughts/experiences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Doubts are only natural, its a huge move, even though you are going back to your country of birth. Do you mind me asking your ages and your kids? They say its hardest to move a family when the children are 9-13. The whole 'where to move to' questions is a tough one. We would/will move back to the same area as it is family we miss so why move the other end of the country (not far i know) and not see them that regularly. But if you move back to the same area does the whole move to oz seem like it never happened or pointless and will you feel like you are taking a backwards step in life. Also, will you constantly be comparing the area as it was then and now. The points you have listed for's and against are spot on and I would challenge the most die hard Aus fan to disagree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 in exactly the same spot ourselves! going back next year to be with grandparents- my only child is missing out far too much on their love and affection and even though we both love oz, i for one cannot imagine not having major regrets down the track with regards to what i am depriving either party of (and me, i'm close to my parents). i know what you mean about finding a new part of the UK but for us, we have decided to be fairly near the parents but in a newer spot to where i'm from- i'm hoping i don't find it a step back being back in my home county, but have decided to focus on areas in my home county which are different. i'd also enjoy trying a new city entirely but what's the point of moving back to be 3-4 hours from family again? also, i go through waves of feeling excited and content to feeling stupid for dragging us back to the uk, but i think everyone goes through that. if you have citizenship, just try to focus on the now and not forever. i can't tell you what to do, but grandparents won't be alive forever. i think a wake up call was recently when 2 good friends had dads die suddenly- you just never know. although i will surely miss many aspects of our life here, i just can't put a price on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted May 15, 2014 Author Share Posted May 15, 2014 Wattsy we are both 40 (not sure how that happened!) and our kids are three and one so still very little and won't be too upset by a move. Turning 40 has really turned a spotlight on all things financial and it's not a pretty sight. I don't know how to say this without sounding weird but part of the reason I'm wary of moving back to me home area is because I don't like people knowing what I'm up to! Not that I'm up to anything newsworthy, but we lived near my grandparents (who I adored) growing up but they would comment on things like "saw your car wasn't there today, were you out shopping?" which I know is just old folk watching the comings and goings of the neighbourhood but it used to drive me mad! I strongly suspect my folks will do the same. There is also the feeling that we HAVE to attend certain things because we live close by - no excuses when you are a 10 min drive away. I am not as close as I was to my two childhood friends who still live in the area but know I'll be expected to go out regularly with them and I don't really want to, not all the time anyway. I like different things to them and our lives have developed in different directions. I do realise I sound like an absolute git saying all this which is why I can't talk to anybody in real life about it (DH aside) these are the deep, dark thoughts that make me feel guilty and selfish. It's hard to explain, but I suppose I am a little bit afraid of the burden of responsibility, expectation and obligation having been independent for so long. I like/love all of the people I have mentioned, very much, but I really value time on my own and time with my little family too. DH and I truly are part of "sandwich generation", trying to balance the needs of ageing parents and young children. The move to Aus won't seem pointless - especially as everyone was expecting us back after four years anyway so it's not like we have tried and failed in their eyes. It does seem a bit of a step backwards to return to my home area, but I probably won't compare as in some ways it's a whole new place as compared with 20 years ago. The regeneration in Newcastle-Gateshead etc. is all new to me for example. Thinker that's a good idea re elsewhere in the county. it was our plan to live in Northumberland rather than Tyneside to get that sense of living somewhere new and to avoid the friendly spies LOL. We do have citizenship but I really don't think we could afford a move back to Aus anytime soon if it didn't work out. I think I'd regret NOT going more than I would regret going, especially if something happened to our parents while we were here and we hadn't seen them recently. Moving back is the right thing to do generally speaking, I'm just not 100% sure it is the right thing for me personally (today anyway, I might be gung-ho for the UK by the weekend). Sorry for all the angst, who'd have thought that being happy in two places could cause so much upset?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Sorry for all the angst, who'd have thought that being happy in two places could cause so much upset?! Bring on the homesickness and depression! :biglaugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted May 15, 2014 Author Share Posted May 15, 2014 Bloody happiness! :mad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Only joking, and on a serious note I think you are doing the right thing. Family is family, something not everyone is lucky enough to have/get along with so depriving children of it when it is perfectly achievable is a hard call....in my opinion. If/when we go back we will only have been away 2-3 years so i guess it will be easier to return to the same place. Most people move to Australia for a career boost, but my wife is a midwife and although she can potentially earn more here the progression and job satisfaction is not here. She works at the brand new Gold Coast University Hospital and there is no bedside manner and everyone is seen as a number and its a conveyor belt, get them in, get baby out, get them gone! Plus the doctors do pretty much everything and she is feel very de-skilled even only after being here a year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 I do understand, I've been feeling a bit like that too. I will be moving back to my home town which to be honest I find boring. A small town where everyone know everyone else's business. However all the family are there so it's a good place to start. I have thought about moving elsewhere but the whole idea of heading back it to spend time with family. It really does my head in! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Bloody happiness! :mad: i know what you mean about family stuff too; we have lived without that burden for a long time, but i think you may need to just develop more of a boundary thing as to how much or how little they are involved and what you are expected to attend etc. you can expect a period of a major adjustment similar to moving here i guess. i read an article re ex pat adjustment back to one's home country written by someone fairly academic, basically, it takes around 1 month per year you have been away to adjust back to one's own country. research showed that after 10 years, it is very very hard to adjust back again. as i've been here 9 years, i'm expecting a fairly rocky first year! i think the gift you will give your kids long term (extended relationships with people who love them) outweighs the negatives. i think being 40 (not quite there yet but not far off) changes the previously set goal posts.....but ultimately, children generally love being with grandparents and vice versa. and can i just mention how beneficial it may be to get those breaks from your children too. one of the things we found here was that our family unit has been quite intense. sure, that works for some and i don't dismiss that, but it's not always positive. we have recently had grandparents around for the first time in 4 years and it's been amazing seeing our child toddle off there for the night, and totally enjoy getting away from us! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted May 15, 2014 Author Share Posted May 15, 2014 That's a shame about your wife's job Wattsy. I had my babies in Brisbane and my care was fantastic - midwives especially. I know the difference a good one can make, it's sad that your wife isn't getting to be all that she could be. For me, being here has given me a couple of incredible opportunities career-wise that I know wouldn't have been possible in the UK but perhaps having had that boost, my chances of doing the same work in England will be improved. Plus I can continue to do much of my work from the UK and send it to Aus via email. I agree re being lucky to have the opportunity to be with family and I know the kids and my folks will REVEL in it. They love each other so much it's heartwarming to watch. tillyd it is a real brain-drain isn't it. I keep myself up at night toing and froing, it's exhausting sometimes. thinker DH and I talked about babysitting options last night! We too are an intense little family and we rarely have a night out just the two of us. It will be great to be able to go out for dinner with DH and know our little people are having fun with their grandparents. When are you moving back next year? We are aiming for April. We'll have hit 11 years by the time we move back so I guess settling could be a real challenge. It's good to know in advance though that still feeling unsettled after say six months isn't unusual. I have always been hopeless at boundary setting but I will have to try. I am also stressed about catchment areas and the like as certain primary schools are feeders for certain secondaries. I feel such a lot of pressure to get this move right so that we avoid any further upheaval for the kids. Why hasn't someone invented a crystal ball? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 i think the gift you will give your kids long term (extended relationships with people who love them) outweighs the negatives. Definitely, dont lose focus on the reason why you are going back. children generally love being with grandparents and vice versa. Think of all the lovely memories we've had with our grandparents growing up, and can you remember whether it was raining and cold or not in those memories? and can i just mention how beneficial it may be to get those breaks from your children too. one of the things we found here was that our family unit has been quite intense. sure, that works for some and i don't dismiss that, but it's not always positive. we have recently had grandparents around for the first time in 4 years and it's been amazing seeing our child toddle off there for the night, and totally enjoy getting away from us! x I can relate to this very well. We recently had my mum come to stay with us for 5 weeks and it was great. Live in nanny! Just being able to tell the kids to go into nanny in the morning and we can just lay in bed for half hour or go out for a coffee/walk was great! We felt really guilty how much we had taken family babysitters for granted when in the UK! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 I feel such a lot of pressure to get this move right so that we avoid any further upheaval or the kids. This is a big one for me. I really dont want our eldest to be the 'new boy' again BUT it it best to make this move when they are this age (he starts prep in jan) rather than hold off and then hes moving at 8,9,10 etc. We are looking at this next move being one for the next 15 years until both our boys have at least finished school Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted May 15, 2014 Author Share Posted May 15, 2014 Honesty the weather is fairly far down our list of priorities, we know what to expect and certainly had plenty of fun in all conditions in the 30 years we lived in the UK. Like you we also want to settle for the next 17 years until high school is over for our youngest. Plus it will help us financially just to get on with it and start paying down a mortgage rather than hopping about from rental to rental trying to decide where to live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Honesty the weather is fairly far down our list of priorities, we know what to expect and certainly had plenty of fun in all conditions in the 30 years we lived in the UK. Like you we also want to settle for the next 17 years until high school is over for our youngest. Plus it will help us financially just to get on with it and start paying down a mortgage rather than hopping about from rental to rental trying to decide where to live. Same here, we never let the weather stop us in the UK, just do different activities. If anything we now look back that it keeps the kids interested if things are changing rather than sunny day things all the time. We are only 32 so we are keen that when we get back we are back on the property ladder by the time we are 40 at the latest so so the mortgage is (in theory) paid off by the time we are 65. We are/have been a couple who even before kids have always had/had to have something on the go and work towards....but this said if we go back to the UK we are looking forward to just relaxing and enjoying day to day life and putting down roots for both us and the kids and knowing that this is us for the next x years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmab1995 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Love this post because i 2 this morning was having a hmmmmmm moment of are we doing the right thing some reasons the same but some not ....... i myself am 44 in august and hubby is 46 , kids are 19,16,and 13 .... My Hmmmm moment is when i think of starting again we are lucky that when we go back we are going to stay with my parents for a while till we have good funds behind us ... i know i know it will be hard but hopefully worth while , as hubby is staying on here and doing fifo for 11 mths ....gives us time to get money together but by then he will be 47 and i wonder who will give us a mortgage ?????? Hoping that we can get a 15 yr one so thats a plus because if we stay here we still have 28 yrs on the house here .... which by the way we will sell later so hopefully will make money on that.... But like you Aunt Agatha we have loved living here but after my cancer it just makes you realise what is important , we have loved our life here but now just want to be around family .... doesnt stop me worrying though Hmmmmmmmm !!:cute: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted May 15, 2014 Author Share Posted May 15, 2014 I think we'll have to settle for a 20 year mortgage which shouldn't be too bad. I'm someone who always needs a project or a goal as well so hopefully I'll be able to focus and get it paid off before retirement. We were hoping to retire early but that won't happen in the UK unfortunately. Oh Emma you are brave staying with parents! It's a great idea though and will be good support for you while DH is away. I'm sure we'll be 45 before we're in a position to buy, I hope we'll be able to get an okay mortgage. So sorry to hear you've had cancer, it certainly does put everything into perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Love this post because i 2 this morning was having a hmmmmmm moment of are we doing the right thing some reasons the same but some not ....... i myself am 44 in august and hubby is 46 , kids are 19,16,and 13 .... My Hmmmm moment is when i think of starting again we are lucky that when we go back we are going to stay with my parents for a while till we have good funds behind us ... i know i know it will be hard but hopefully worth while , as hubby is staying on here and doing fifo for 11 mths ....gives us time to get money together but by then he will be 47 and i wonder who will give us a mortgage ?????? Hoping that we can get a 15 yr one so thats a plus because if we stay here we still have 28 yrs on the house here .... which by the way we will sell later so hopefully will make money on that.... But like you Aunt Agatha we have loved living here but after my cancer it just makes you realise what is important , we have loved our life here but now just want to be around family .... doesnt stop me worrying though Hmmmmmmmm !!:cute: Emma, I can only imagine what affect cancer or any other serious illness has on you and your thoughts. I do worry that what if this happens to us or to my family back home and we are here....cant go through life expecting bad things but it is factor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 You have to do what you have to do, sometimes though if the family is large and ours is grandparents have their favourites etc and its not the ones who return, my brother found that out. Now that families are generally smaller probably not really an issue. I do think its important to know where you are going with careers though as being miserable in a job is not made up for by being near family or the culture of the place, too many hours spent at work. Putting bread on the table and how we do it is soooooo important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 I'd tend to agree with Petals - choose a place to go where you have the best opportunity for employment. Nowhere in UK is that far from anywhere else so you should be within cooee of your olds without actually being in their pockets. I have come back to my home town after over 40 years away and treated it as if it were a totally new place with new people to meet and new things to do - that's worked well! If I didn't have to live in my parents' place as a carer then I would probably have tried somewhere else basically because there are so many places I would like to try before I pop my clogs! A crystal ball ball would be lovely but you can only make the best decision you can based on the best information you have today and if circumstances change then be prepared to be flexible to accommodate. It's all a big adventure really! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairystar32 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Big hug whatever you decide and hope it works, We moved here when our kids were 14, 12, 8 and 10 mths. It was very difficult for the 14 and 8 yr old, they really struggled missing family and friends and were very homesick and wanted to go home for years. It wasnt until eldest started Uni, he really settled and no longer wants to return and I think after 5 yrs, our other child would still probably be thrilled if we chose too leave. I have become more homesick after my diagnose of a serious illness, I get pangs of panic, but we will never leave as we love it here, but I miss my family very much. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide, but do it now, whilst the kids are young. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted May 15, 2014 Author Share Posted May 15, 2014 Petals my parents don't have favourite but if they did, it would be me :wink: My work is such that I can't know how it will pan out until I'm in the UK. I'll be able to continue to do some of my Australian work long distance but as for new opportunities... I suspect there won't be as many for me in the UK as there are here but perhaps I'll just have to work harder. We would leave here without DH securing a decent job in the UK. Quoll I think we have come around to the idea of following the best job - even if we end up in Portsmouth, it's still a damn sight closer to Newcastle than Australia! We have been viewing it as a new adventure and emotionally it is. Financially however I need to accept that "getting it right" is pretty important. It sounds like you have made a great life for yourself back home, a great attitude always helps. Thanks fairystar, I think if we don't do it now we might end up staying here by default and that's no way to live. We have to make a conscious decision either way. I'm really sorry to hear you have been ill, I hope you're on the mend soon. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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