16 year old refusing to come

[Guest melissa]

Our 16 year old son is driving us mad by refusing to come to Oz - we went out on holiday to visit family in Adelaide and when we said about coming to live out there he was all for it and keen to go.

 

At the moment he says he does not want his life to change, he wants it to stay the same - which it won't anyway - he will be leaving school after his GCSE's and has been accepted to train as a hairdresser based in a salon & training academy. (which would not have happened without guidance and nagging from us - the evil parents) He has in fact already started at the hairdressers one night a week after school (he did his work experience there and they offered to take him on)

 

Hairdressing is what he really wants to do - so working on the basis that if something went wrong with getting our visa and also the fact he will more easily get taken on as a trainee in Oz if he has some work experience we thought it would be best to get something lined up for when he leaves school. (At the mo we are hoping to get to oz sometime in Sept/Oct)

 

Anyway now despite the fact l have told him that Oz hairdressers are the best paid in the world (apparently) and even having contacted a couple of hairdressers in Adelaide and being told that yes they are always looking for trainees. He is adamant he wants to do his training here and he doesn't want to leave his friends. He refuses to believe that he won't see most of these friends once they all leave school and go in different directions.

 

I am getting so sick of him and his attitude (he is being ****ty to his sister now - possibly because she is starting to get a tiny bit excited and has been checking out courses at Adelaide Uni)

 

I am starting to wonder whether we should call his bluff and say fine stay. He has been telling everyone he is not going anyway, he thinks my mum would let him live with her because she has been one of the loudest opponents to us going, but l know my mum and the reality of having a stroppy teenager under her roof is not one she could really tolerate (and she would not give up wardrobe space for him!)

 

One of his friends mum has already said he can live in their converted barn (this particular friend does not get on with his own parents and spends as much time as he can at our house!)

 

I suppose my main worry is that we force him to come, buy the ticket and he does a bunk the day we are due to go. Or that we call his bluff and let him stay, who knows what might happen then????

 

He does not even want to be part of the family at the moment, he is acting totally selfishly in a lot of ways, wants to be treated like an adult while acting like a child (can't believe l am saying that as l seem to remember something like that in my distant past as well)

 

At the end of our tether and can't take much more, what with all the visa stress,house selling stress, etc etc

 

Sorry to have bored you all to death, but some outside perspective would be good??

 

Mel :arghh:

[ali]

I really felt for you reading this - I don't know what advise to give you ... but you do seem to have retained your sense of humour (the bit about your mum not giving up wardrobe space made me chuckle).

 

What about the - 'you want to be treated like an adult approach' - get him to write down/discuss with you how he will be able to keep himself without your support if you were to go to Aus and leave him behind. I'm sure trainee hairdressers don't earn enough to pay the bills, food and entertainment. Consider his options of your mum and his mates mum - contact them and ask them realistically - will they be able to keep your son, what if he doesn't pay his rent/board money (make it clear you won't be bailing him out - even though as a mum you probably will - but they don't need to know that).

 

Ask him to consider that if you go and he hasn't validated his visa and then wants to come to Aus - what will he do as he won't be able to 'walk right in'

 

I don't envy you at all - I'm glad my two were young enough for me to just say "pack your bags you're coming with us" lol

 

Good luck and I hope it turns out well

 

Ali

[Quoll]

As well try persuading a rabid dingo as a 16 year old who has "made up his mind" I reckon. Bluff is the order of the day - just calmly accept that he wont be coming and begin discussions about where he is going to live, how much he is going to need, what is his support network likely to be, what contingency plans is he going to have for if things go wrong. Dont try blackmail: financial, emotional or otherwise. Dont try persuasion, bribery or anything else just (appear to) accept that you realize he has made up his mind and that you are going to be good parents and support that decision to the best of your ability (but dont go overboard). Generally once you have taken the wind out of their sails they begin to think a bit more rationally and you have a 50/50 chance that he will decide of his own volition to come with you. If he comes then you win but if he doesnt come then you will have set up the support structures that enable him to manage independently without you. Horrible decision though, good luck with it!

[Guest tigerfan]

i really feel for you on this one. when we first started the process our two boys then aged 16 and 18 were all for it, the youngest actually saying that wether we got visas or not he was going. further down the line the eldest of the two was at uni and then had a serious girlfriend and didnt want to make the change at that point. fair enough. the youngest then got involved with a girl and when we came out just to activate the visas informed us that "he didnt think this was for him". i was devastated. i knew that reallistically he would not survive on his own, despite being 18 and classed as an adult.anyway a few months later the relaitionship ended badly, as we knew it would and i struck whilst the poor lamb was down and made him promise he'd come out here for six months and give it a shot.(i tried for the 2 years but had no luck) anyway 2 days after we got here he came off his anti depressants, 2 weeks later he was working in a restaurant,where he still works 5 months later, and a month after we got here he said he wasnt interested in going home. we know that if nothing else we did the right thing for him. it was really stressful and i know that we were lucky but try putting it to him that if he just comes out long enough to get residency or whatever the aim is then he can come and go as he pleases. sorry this is a long message but hope it gives you some hope

[Guest Mrs Braveheart]

Hi Mel

 

Please see my post http://www.pomsinoz.com/forum/news-gossip-chat/26138-update-son-who-didn-t-want-come.html.

 

I really do sympathize such a stressful time without one of the kids saying he is not going. But worked out for us and I hope it will for you too. If you need a chat pm me.

 

Good Luck

 

Janette

xxxx

[Guest M&S]

Hi Mel,

 

Heart goes out to you as we were in same boat as you a year ago. So much stress and although we validated our visa we decided to stay put. BUT, a year further on things are alot different and whilst he has agreed to come with us for a year, like your Son, only wants to do his actor training in UK. Hoping he will change his mind once he has been out there a while but we won't stand in his way either if he wants to come back to the UK. As difficult as it is, there has to be a point where you live your life for you!

 

All the best.

[Guest WelshDebzs]

Our 16 year old son is driving us mad by refusing to come to Oz - we went out on holiday to visit family in Adelaide and when we said about coming to live out there he was all for it and keen to go.

 

At the moment he says he does not want his life to change, he wants it to stay the same - which it won't anyway - he will be leaving school after his GCSE's and has been accepted to train as a hairdresser based in a salon & training academy. (which would not have happened without guidance and nagging from us - the evil parents) He has in fact already started at the hairdressers one night a week after school (he did his work experience there and they offered to take him on)

 

Hairdressing is what he really wants to do - so working on the basis that if something went wrong with getting our visa and also the fact he will more easily get taken on as a trainee in Oz if he has some work experience we thought it would be best to get something lined up for when he leaves school. (At the mo we are hoping to get to oz sometime in Sept/Oct)

 

Anyway now despite the fact l have told him that Oz hairdressers are the best paid in the world (apparently) and even having contacted a couple of hairdressers in Adelaide and being told that yes they are always looking for trainees. He is adamant he wants to do his training here and he doesn't want to leave his friends. He refuses to believe that he won't see most of these friends once they all leave school and go in different directions.

 

I am getting so sick of him and his attitude (he is being ****ty to his sister now - possibly because she is starting to get a tiny bit excited and has been checking out courses at Adelaide Uni)

 

I am starting to wonder whether we should call his bluff and say fine stay. He has been telling everyone he is not going anyway, he thinks my mum would let him live with her because she has been one of the loudest opponents to us going, but l know my mum and the reality of having a stroppy teenager under her roof is not one she could really tolerate (and she would not give up wardrobe space for him!)

 

One of his friends mum has already said he can live in their converted barn (this particular friend does not get on with his own parents and spends as much time as he can at our house!)

 

I suppose my main worry is that we force him to come, buy the ticket and he does a bunk the day we are due to go. Or that we call his bluff and let him stay, who knows what might happen then????

 

He does not even want to be part of the family at the moment, he is acting totally selfishly in a lot of ways, wants to be treated like an adult while acting like a child (can't believe l am saying that as l seem to remember something like that in my distant past as well)

 

At the end of our tether and can't take much more, what with all the visa stress,house selling stress, etc etc

 

Sorry to have bored you all to death, but some outside perspective would be good??

 

Mel :arghh:

 

Hey Mel I'm a newbie to this site and am kinda going through a similar thing...

 

 

Ready for a story:jiggy: 8 years ago life was good 2nd marriage for me with a great bloke who had a daughter of and I had a son 6...2 years after being married sharing access etc bombshell OH ex taking daughter to Sunbury Vic arghhh....3 court cases later she goes :arghh: anyway we have now decided to go to live there if accepted as the court order runs out in 3 years and 4 of us want to travel to see her at one time no accom over in Oz flipping expensive ...anyway I approached my son whos 13 going on 60...

 

He has a dad to leave behind plus my mum and dad who he is really close to and he did the same not going etc even though his sister is out there and we explained cheaper life good work propsects for him housing etc...

 

I asked him in the end to give me 18mths as it sounds better lol and try it..if not for him he can come back live with his dad , my mum etc. Having the option to come back he agreed and for me in 18mths time he will be old enough to make his own descion and I have to go with that...

 

I have to think whats best for us and that he will lead his own life whatever or wherever u are...just ask him to validate his visa play his bluff poss let him stay with your mum lol I prob give him a month....he will become curious about your life over there soon enough esp if he realises your going anyway....

 

Good luck to you both and I hope things work out for you both sometime we have to be selfish and think its my time to do something :spinny:even with the heartache

 

Best Wishes

 

Debzsx

[Guest misschief]

OMG i feel so bad for you.

Perhaps you should ask him to read this thread:arghh:.

I can't imagine what you are ging through and people seem to be giving really good advice. Perhaps you could offer to sit and discuss it rationally with him. If he comes over with you to sort visas out and stay for that period and a bit of a holiday (this way he has the option to return if he chooses) then he can return to the UK and stay where you have arranged for him. Remind him that he will be a guest / lodger with the people / person he is with. So you expect him to "donate" towards rent / food. He will also need to learn how to use the washing machines as he cannot expect others to run around after him. The housework and dishes also do not do themselves and if he is accepting someone elses hospitality then he WILL have to give a bit back to them.

So after his bills are paid from his meagre earnings he may not have a lot left for partying, and may soon see that being with Mum and Dad is a fairly good option after all.

I really hope you get this resloved with him.

Why do kids forget that parents are people, with dreams and ambitions too?:yes:

 

Good Luck to you all.

[Guest colin&miche]

i have had a bad Easter , but have tried to put a brave face on for our younger 4, but been hard, i have 15 Yr old that was adamant she didnt want to come with us when we go , so we didnt want to push her into going and agreed that if she wanted to stay she could with her dad (my X). me and hubby been married 8 years by the way been seperated from x for 12 yrs anyways, we said she didnt have to come but asked her is she came on our visa to come out with us when we do go so that she has easy access to Australia until she is 18 and when she has validated the visa stay for 3 weeks then come home if that is what she wanted, she was adamant she didnt want to live in Australia and asking her to do this was like asking her to shave her head . anyways to cut a long story short on wednesday night on her usual mid week visit to her dads i get a text message saying that she had left me a note in her drawers in her bedroom , i immediately went to find it and was hurriedly trying to read it , bottom line was she didnt want to cost us money going to Australia or hold us back etc etc even though we told her whether she went or not she has to have meds and police checks done, well she had run away o her dads, and was staying, anyways i have a court order that says she has to live with me until she is 16 , i promptly phoned the police to get her back and 2 officers came to check the court order and said yes everything was in order and they would go to get her, anyways 1.5 hrs goes by (x lives 20 mins away) we then get another knock on the door , hoping it is our daughter, but it was another 2 different officers, one explained he was a seargent and needed to check the court order again , so we gave him the court order and again he said yes it was in order also , anyways he got onto his radio to the officers at my x's house and said yes its all in order , the other officer at my x asked if my daughter could stay at her dads for the night as it was quiet late (11.45pm by now) and he would take her to school and come home after, me and hubby agreed as the officer said it was late and she was upset, so we reluctently agreed. anyways nest morning at 9.20 i phone the school to make shure he has taken her in and yes he had i asked if they could send a note to her final lesson that day to come to the office. i was going to pick her up but didnt want her knowing, the person i spoke to at the school said she couldnt authorize this but she would pass my message on the the head and she would call me back, i made sure they had my home phone number and mobile number as i needed to do food shopping, anyways at 1.50 i still had no call and was thinking its cutting it a bit fine so rung the school back and was told the head was in a meeting and would ring me back. i waited another 40 mins and it was now 2.30pm and had a knock on my door so answered it , it was my x saying i am serving you with this, i didnt accept the envelope and told him a baliff of the court is supposed to do this he in turn threw the envelope at me whilst i was standing in my porch and said i have served them and walked off!

 

after i had shut my door in disgust i opened the envelope to a court order telling me to be in court on 27th march and he had a court order overiding ours until then. i then get a call from welfare dept at my daughters school it is now 2.55pm an nr end of school they proceed to tell me my daughter has gone home with her dad and had showed them the court order, i proceeded to ask them what had happened to my phone calls and was by now very upset and angry , they prceeded to tell me that my x had gone in at 8.30am that morning and told them he would be picking her up in the afternoon and explained what had happened the night before, they got in touch with some one called safestudent or something and they suggested because she was upset at coming home that she should go back to her dads with him, my x seemed to forget to show them in the morning the court order saying she had to live here till she was 16 and that the police had told him she had to come home to her mothers. he had gone behind my back and the school and got a court order for her to stay at his till the 27th march and i havent been able to do anything about it because of Easter but was told by a friend who spoke to her friend who is a solicitor that because of her age and that she is 16 in sept the court would probably go in his favour and also he has told them its because we are migrating as one of the main reasons for her wanting to stay with him. So at the moment i am in limbo , we told her she didnt have to come with us but i think her dad has been playing her into moving in with him since he found out we was looking at migrating , so i dont know yet how we stand but know she wont be comng to Australia with us

 

sorry to have gone on but i havent been able to vent my upset or annoyance about x anywhere else

 

kind regards

michell

[Guest misschief]

OMG Michell, my heart goes out to you. I hope everything works out for you in the end. Kids sure know how to put us through the ringer huh :sad:

[ali]

surely it must mean something that your x went behind your backs and ignored the court order that you had - a responsible adult? I don't think so!

[Guest colin&miche]

surely it must mean something that your x went behind your backs and ignored the court order that you had - a responsible adult? I don't think so!

 

 

def not responsible what makes it worse is he has police offences as well for fire arms and endangering a childs life, that ran out last mth and that was for her. whilst she was in his care over a weekend stay he had put cannabis in a cake and unbeknowing to her she ate a large amount of it , he bought her home about an hr later as she was due home and i landed up the hospital that night with her nearly dying, he was called and told them he didnt know what was wrong with her, at the time neither did i but was informed by someone later the next day what it was. i told the hospital and they did tests and found it to be true, he got a 3 yr probation and 3yrs on his file for endangering a childs life, but our friends solicitor said cos he has kept a clean nose and it is now spent twe couldnt use this in a case

 

 

:arghh: i just wanna scream and cry:sad::cry:

 

 

kind regards

michell

[Guest misschief]

D'ya think maybe he is trying to convince her to stay, in the vain hope you will stay?:shocked:

 

What a complete "£%$^*$^%££%£%£"~ grrr makes me so cross!!

I really hope this works out for you.

[Guest colin&miche]

D'ya think maybe he is trying to convince her to stay, in the vain hope you will stay?:shocked:

 

What a complete "£%$^*$^%££%£%£"~ grrr makes me so cross!!

I really hope this works out for you.

 

i dont think so , he has been trying to get her to live with him since she was 12 and she ran away from home when she was 13 but because he had the police offences on his record and they were only 6mths old the court said no chance to her living with him then , this is the thing now she is 15 soon to be 16 in sept and the offences are spent and we are in the migration process it looks good for him this time around, so i may have to just go with what she wants and just see her weekends until we leave, not what i want but solicitor thinks it may be our only way, and not worth the cost of solicitors fee's court costs etc just for her to go again when we go or when she is 16 whichever comes first .

 

michell:cry:

 

i also have 4 other children at home i have to think about and had to explain to

[Guest misschief]

I really feel for you. Breaks my heart.

The worst thing is that in a few years she will realise that it's probably a missed opportunity.

:wubclub:thinking of you.

[keily]

Hi Michelle .... Really Feel For You !!!! Maybe By The Time You Go She Will Have Seen Him For What He Really Is .... A Loser Imo..... Maybe Best To Let Her Stay With Him In The Meantime Just To Let Her Get It Out Her System ... She Wont Be Long In Changing Her Mind .... Hope It All Comes Good For You

Mrs Keily

[Guest colin&miche]

I really feel for you. Breaks my heart.

The worst thing is that in a few years she will realise that it's probably a missed opportunity.

:wubclub:thinking of you.

 

i hope so, it was going to be hard enough leaving her , but this has now made it even worse, but also more determined, it would have come eventually and maybe she thinks it is better doing it this way than the way we wanted but it still hurts the way she did it and i am hoping i lose the anger i feel at the moment, at the way she has done it behind me when we do say goodbye, as this has certainly for me put a dampner on how close i thought we were as mother and daughter

 

 

kind regards

michell

[Guest misschief]

i hope so, it was going to be hard enough leaving her , but this has now made it even worse, but also more determined, it would have come eventually and maybe she thinks it is better doing it this way than the way we wanted but it still hurts the way she did it and i am hoping i lose the anger i feel at the moment, at the way she has done it behind me when we do say goodbye, as this has certainly for me put a dampner on how close i thought we were as mother and daughter

 

 

kind regards

michell

 

Oh Michelle. I left home at 17 to join the army!! At that point it is safe to say my Mum and I were not seeing things the same way. I can honestly say that after my training and first posting my Mum and I are real close now. She is my first port of call for ANYTHING!

I am sure that one day you two will be really close and she will be horrified to think she put you through this, but you will laugh with her again - because you are her Mum and you love her.

[Guest FREDF]

Hi

 

I just wanted to maybe help all those of you who have teenagers unwilling to go with them. Just for the record my 19 year old is definitely staying here.

 

Through a bad set of circumstances I landed in England from Oz just before my 16th birthday. I shared a flat with my older sister for a few months until she moved away. I then worked 2 jobs and kept a roof over my head in a strange country with no family at all to call on. The message is I survived - more than that I've had a good life in this country. I am now lucky enough to be with someone as commited to going home to Oz as I am so we are nearly there.

 

If you have teenagers that dont want to go - start sorting things for them to stay - have a trial run with them actually looking after themselves - work on the basis that if they can sort themselves out while you are still here then they will be fine when you go. Treat them like the adults they believe they are and see what happens. Some will surprise you and be fine most will decide to go with you I am sure.

 

I cant imagine how you will make any 16/17 year actually get on the plane if they dont want to - we faced this with both my partner's girls (16 & 19 ) so we sat down and did the sums looked at different flats for them and asked them to work their budget and plans out to go through with us. It took 2 weeks of discussion and some time wasted looking at flats and listing bills - they are both now coming and looking forward to it!

 

I dont know if this is at all helpful or not but I hope it will maybe help you all take a step back and a deep breath.

 

Good luck - I personally think all teenager should be frozen until they are 21 and become human again lol!!!!!

 

regards

 

Helen

[Guest maxxangel]

I really feel for you. Breaks my heart.

The worst thing is that in a few years she will realise that it's probably a missed opportunity.

:wubclub:thinking of you.

As long as that is the worst thing that will happen. Sorry, but I'm not very hopeful when a father thinks it's okay to give a child drugs.

[Guest misschief]

As long as that is the worst thing that will happen. Sorry, but I'm not very hopeful when a father thinks it's okay to give a child drugs.

 

oh i totally agree - i think he should be hung drawn and quartered and then some.

[Guest karen111]

oh my god,

what is the matter with some so called parents. i am lucky in that my ex happily ( a bit to happily some would say ) signed the paper to allow our son to go. we had a hell of a time with our now 22 yr old daughter. at 16 she thought she was the bee,s knees and during an argument punched me twice. my now hubbie went absolutely mad (we dont even smack our kids) and told her to leave, i arranged for her to go to my dads but no..... to try and make things even worse she went to my ex,s who is not even her father.

we had a very nasty divorce and so he made sure he done and said anything to her to try and make things even worse. the upshot is she stayed with him for 6 months before going to uni. i honestly thought at the time that it was the worst time of my life. although it was her that done the hitting i really thought that mine and my daughters relationship would never be the same again, i thought thats it now. she,ll stay at my ex,s and never want to see me ect. i also had 3 other kids at this time so i really do know how you,re feeling. we didn,t really speak in those 6 months and i refused to chase her. things at times can still be stressful with her but she now,after after living with him and making our lifes hell she hardly sees him at all. she also made the point she wouldn,t come to oz with us, we just had to accept it. now we have our visa and are starting to make plans that dont include her and have just talked to her about 'when she comes on holiday' and lo and behold she now has started looking at visa options for coming over, although it might take a while as she is doing pharmacy at uni and the things she will have to do to enable her to register as a pharmasist in oz are a bit daunting, but i have no doubt she will join us. i really think the advice you received from others are spot on. start making plans without him in the aqaution and talk about him coming on holiday ect. tell him you ahve had a long think about things and realise you cant ' make' him go. bet you anything if he thinks you are serious that he will come round. i would just like to finish by saying kids, although we like to think are idiots, aren,t ,and if your ex,s are making it difficult just cos they can your kids will see through that in the end. i know all this is easier said than done but you have to try whatever you can and if this means playing the same game as your kids or ex,s then so be it. minipulate them the way they are you.

i really really hope things work out for you all.

[Guest slaphead51]

16 eh ! What an awkward age for kids and adults. My neighbours are from Oz, and they had exactly this problem with their 16 year old. They gave him an option, stay or go, up to him. At the last minute he went ! Now, after 12 months, he has had good exam results and is never in, out with his new friends all the time. But that is them, as for you, well, how about putting the ticket money in your Mums account, letting him stop with her, then if or when he gets a change of heart, he could join you. You never know, after a few weeks living with his Nan, he might be only too eager to join you !!

[Guest colin&miche]

oh i totally agree - i think he should be hung drawn and quartered and then some.

 

Me to, but even though i didnt want my daughter seeing him the court (law) said this is not acceptable for me to keep her dad from seeing her and her not seeing him and breaking that bond , i asked for no over night stays, i was denied this and they even said they felt that because she wasnt allowed to live with him he could have her every weekend apart from one which she stayed at home , so he had her 3 weekends in a row i had her for 1, he also had her on a wednesday each week, this is what the court said they felt was fair, well you work it out, she was here monday, tuesday night at her dads wednesday night here thursday nights at her dads friday,saturday,sunday night so he had her 4 nights a week i had her 3 and on those night she normally had homework and spent most of the evening doing it, when at her dads at the weekend he has quality time with her i very rarely had this except in holidays and then he got her for half of them e.g 2 weeks of school i had 1 week he had 1 week, 6 weeks holiday i had 3 he had 3 , well it at the end of the day all seemed to be in his favour , they said my daughter should be able to see us equally and she was living with me so basically live with it, cos thats what they decided was best for her.

 

 

i think this is why and how he has manipulated her as he had her and obviously was manipulating her into running away to his when his probationary period was up .

 

oh well roll on thursday, we will see what has to be said and go from there i suppose

 

 

kind regards

michell

[Guest Sharon & Mike]

hi melissa,

 

im sian, mike and sharons daugter, im nearly 16 and im finishing m GCSE's this year too, we are moving to perth in august time this year. i can see how frustrated you feel, my little sister goes through phases of wanting to go and not wanting to go, and im all up for it. so i can see where your coming from, but i can also see where your son is coming from, he has his wole life here and he's content with it, and by the sounds of things he has a few things to look forward to here. personaly if i was in your sons position the last thing i would want is for m parents to do things beind m back, when it involves my future and turns my present worl up side down.

 

but thats just my opinion.

 

why not encourage your son to make a profile on here, and let him get an idea for himself.

 

sian

x