Mum of son soon to emigrate

[kimpi]

Thank Rossy. My hubby and I are actually talking about our own dreams for the first time in years (you always put your kids needs first!) ... and we both want to do long weekends across Europe, go back to US a few more times (I have visited many times on business but only once for holiday), go skiing once a year ..... and get a new kitchen ..lol. We have good friends in US, Switzerland, France, New Zealand, India ... so we need to do some catching up! We will get to Australia as well obviously

[kimpi]

To the following I would like to thank you very much for your helpful insights .... your comments have been hugely helpful and gratefully received.

MarisaWright, Quoll, Starlight7, Ramot, RossMoyne, Ryuichi and Que Sera Sera. x

[Guest The Pom Queen]

To date...it is the most awful thing I have experienced. So I am reacting to it. Get a grip? I am entitled to feel as I do as a mum who loves her son. I am not stopping him in anyway. And I WILL continue to shelters as I need to. Your words are bitter and I feel for you. You comments are not helpful to anyone...except maybe yourself. Find another thread to let out your angst.

When my eldest first left home he was only 20 minutes up the road and I cried my eyes out. He was the first to leave and it was really hard. When my second child left home it was easier but again it is hard. I can't imagine how you must feel with him moving to the other side of the world hang in there and try and plan for you visiting him.

[Rossmoyne]

Thank Rossy. My hubby and I are actually talking about our own dreams for the first time in years (you always put your kids needs first!) ... and we both want to do long weekends across Europe, go back to US a few more times (I have visited many times on business but only once for holiday), go skiing once a year ..... and get a new kitchen ..lol. We have good friends in US, Switzerland, France, New Zealand, India ... so we need to do some catching up! We will get to Australia as well obviously

 

Admiring your attitude.... it is your time to do stuff too... enjoy what is going to be a new life for you..... Rossy

[Guest The Pom Queen]

I have removed 3 posts and issued a warning to the member concerned. I can't believe anyone could be so nasty towards someone who is grieving for their child. Grief doesn't have to be caused by the death of a loved one, it affects people in many different ways.

[Rossmoyne]

I have removed 3 posts and issued a warning to the member concerned. I can't believe anyone could be so nasty towards someone who is grieving for their child. Grief doesn't have to be caused by the death of a loved one, it affects people in many different ways.

 

Thanks PQ... this forum does not need the negativity and nastiness that was coming from that poster. Well done!!

[kimpi]

Thank you Pom Queen... the personal attacks were a little unwarranted. However, the other posts I received were really helpful .. I mean that sincerely. It is not going to be any easy few months for my family left behind or for my son. But my son heads off for the unknown and he will be excited and nervous ... and even if I have pain in my heart I will be there for him for every step of the way because I love him unconditionally.

[ryuichi]

Just wanted to let you know I completely understand your feelings. It was also my worst life-changing experience - and I confess that I coped very badly and am ashamed of my weakness and self-pity! Reading all the warm and heartfelt comments is so reassuring. I know that everyone's situation is different but to communicate our feelings with caring people is such a comfort.

[Fisher1]

Hi Kimpi

 

Just to say, its one of those things that everyone needs to get to grips with in their own way. My daughter only went for a year so I was sort of let down gently. We visited the first summer, had a lovely holiday and then ... oh dear ... arranged for her to breakfast with us on the last day and say goodbye then. When it came to the crunch I persuaded her to come in the taxi with us, so we could drop her at work on our way to the airport. When we dropped her, it was just awful, we couldn't stay and left her crying at the side of the road. My poor husband was bravely smiling and waving and I was there making a complete prat of myself. I proceded to cry all the way through departures, on to the plane, and off and on all the way to Singapore. I know, I know ....

 

Fast forward ten years. My daughter is an Australian citizen. We have visited many times and know Sydney quite well now. Our names are on the waiting list for parent migrants. We have seen her at some time at least once and sometimes twice a year since she left, and had three Christmases together. Best of all, we are travelling out next month to meet our first grandchild.

 

It isn't always easy - it wasn't easy when my father died, or when my mum was diagnosed with alzheimers. It isn't easy when you just want a hug. But mostly we rub along, happy in the knowledge that the next visit isn't that far away. We have been lucky. I wish you luck too.

Edited February 14, 2015 by Fisher1

[Guest littlesarah]

I guess that's one of the pitfalls of becoming a parent - you can't control what your children do once they become adults and able to make up their own minds. I know my mum was distraught at first about me leaving, but in a funny way the death of my sister's son (her first, and my parents' first grandchild) gave us all a different perspective. Now I'm here, I do feel sad that my son is missing out on his grandparents in England, and I feel bad that my parents won't get to see him very often. But I know that my parents want me to be happy, which I am. I will always be grateful that they equipped me with the strength and determination to leave a good life in search of a different life - and I tell them that. We do try to visit when we can (so far about every 18 months or so), but of course that will be less often now we have 3 tickets to pay for (and a lower income), but we'll try to do what we can. I hope my mum and dad will visit us, but I'm not sure that they'll be able to (they're in their 70s and not without some health issues) - so I really do feel that it is up to us to make the trip.

 

What I will say, from my perspective, is how lovely it is that my parents make so much effort for us when we visit - we may not spend time together regularly, but the time we do have is truly special.

[ali]

We have our in-laws here at the moment and their friends are making their first visit to Perth to see their son and his family. Both sets of parents yesterday said independently of each other that they could see why we had all moved here. Whilst they were sad initially, they are more than happy at the lives we have carved out for ourselves here.

[Wen66]

The best thing parents can give their children are roots and wings. Roots, to give them a firm grounding in life and wings, to fly and be independent. I feel, that is what my parents did for me and I hope I am doing the same for my two boys.

Needless to say, it didn't stop my mum breaking her heart when we left for Australia, a few months back. But she is coping, Viber is awesome for free phone calls and Skype is fab for her to see the boys.

 

I, no doubt, will be heart broken when my boys leave. I think every parent knows and understands how you feel. Keep your chin up, let him go. He will always be your son, no matter where he is in the world. xx:hug:

[kimpi]

Thank you all so much for the different perspective and comforting to know I am not the only one who has had to or I is dealing with this. One thing I am realising is that initially it's going to be painful, that first goodbye.... and then comes some sort of acceptance.

Along the way will be highs and lows. Right now I am at the start of the journey with all those unpredictable emotions.. oddly I am ok in some ways...and not in others. I will get there I know. I look at my son and I am so proud he is taking charge of his own destiny, but then sad I won't be part of it regularly. Both hubby and I work full time and have good jobs... money to visit isn't an issue thankfully ... but time is!! I have both my parents here in UK who are in late seventies... and given how I feel at the moment wouldn't put them in same situation at this age in their lives... nor in truth do I want to leave them. So am staying put happily for the foreseeable future knowing this is what I want to do. In a few years time it may all be different. But right now I just want to hug my son every day whilst I can and live each day with a smile..... instead of thinking of the goodbye.. you are all such wonderful mums and I thank you for sharing your experiences. Who know...One day I will be able to do the same for another mum who finds herself at day one in this same journey. X

[kimpi]

And ... whilst I am thinking on it... it's truly enlightening to hear from the kids who made the journey and left. So helpful to also hear from your viewpoint. I think anyone from being parent left behind, or child making that decision can look at this thread and get something positive. Hugs to all. X

[kimpi]

.ryuichi... I get it. Totally. Without the support I received here I think I may have reacted similar way myself. Thank goodness for you guys being there at the right time! We all hit those life changing moments that we have no control over ... and depending on what else is happening in our lives can dictate how we respond to it. Don't th I k of it as a weakness... it isn't. We call love our kids which is why we get upset and irrational!! I would love for my son to change his mind.. but he won't. I have to do the chin up and get on with it. Ouch. Plus I have to get great of my family through it too... as they all hurt as well. Life can be a real pain in the ass at times .. x

[Kinvara]

Thank you for this.  We  heard yesterday that our son and his family are going to Australia..We will miss them so much.  I feel very sad but also angry - not at him but how life can be so cruel to mothers.  He is doing the right thing for his family but it will deprive me of being a hands on granny. I have wonderful friends and a loving husband. I love the grandchildren but will not be a part of their lives now. I realise today that our son was worried about telling me. We had an unusually tense afternoon after he told me. He said all the right things about us visiting etc. I am very proud of his achievements and what he is doing. But I am hurting. I said all the right things too. A difficult time for our family but young families must seek the best lives for themselves and their families. Being a mother is tough. I have lost count of how many of my friends have this story in their families. It seems to be the 30 -40 year olds who emigrate leaving siblings and elderly parents behind. I didn't think it would happen to us ! It was great to find this website.

[Quoll]

3 hours ago, Kinvara said:

Thank you for this.  We  heard yesterday that our son and his family are going to Australia..We will miss them so much.  I feel very sad but also angry - not at him but how life can be so cruel to mothers.  He is doing the right thing for his family but it will deprive me of being a hands on granny. I have wonderful friends and a loving husband. I love the grandchildren but will not be a part of their lives now. I realise today that our son was worried about telling me. We had an unusually tense afternoon after he told me. He said all the right things about us visiting etc. I am very proud of his achievements and what he is doing. But I am hurting. I said all the right things too. A difficult time for our family but young families must seek the best lives for themselves and their families. Being a mother is tough. I have lost count of how many of my friends have this story in their families. It seems to be the 30 -40 year olds who emigrate leaving siblings and elderly parents behind. I didn't think it would happen to us ! It was great to find this website.

Good luck with it! It'll be fine! They'll come back for visits and if you're able to visit them you'll have those nice concentrated periods of time with the grandkids. You will be miffed occasionally though when your friends relate their daily interactions with their grandkids - it can get rather wearing I must admit! But, then, I'm  almost in the same situation as my friends who have never married and have no kids let alone grandkids, the incessant chat about grandchildren must drive them nuts!

I'm just facing the prospect at  70 of leaving my 95 year old dad - something my hard heart is wrestling with. We've been caring for him in UK  for 7.5 years now - we never intended it to be this long  but we kept mum at home for 4 years and dad for 7.5 but his needs are such  that we have no freedom and he really needs specialised care but that means he will have to sell  the home we all live  in, to fund his care. He's pissed off that his body isn't doing what it ought and we are both chafing at our total loss of freedom - not what we expected from retirement. Only child-ness sucks!

When we do leave that will mean that we no longer see the grandson we generally see once a month but we will see the grandkids in the other side, who, currently, only get us for 4 weeks a year.

No easy answers for any of us really, there are always going to be swings and roundabouts and the best we can do is to live our own lives and enjoy every minute of them. 

[Rossmoyne]

I was surprised today when this old thread was resurrected, but realise it is an age old issue and will keep on coming up as the world is so open to people moving from country to country, for whatever reason.

For those who don't know me.... I live in Perth, am in my 70's and have 2 offspring, both in their 30's and neither have children. My parents, brother and I were 10 pound Poms, and I lived in Oz for 6 years in the late 60's/early 70's.   I missed England too much, and although I spent 3 years travelling around Australia, I just couldn't settle, so from my mid 20's to mid 40's I lived in England and leaving my migrant parents here in Perth. After I lost my husband, I returned to Perth in 1991 with a son aged 5 and a daughter aged 8.  My children grew up and were educated in Perth and had wonderful relationships with my parents, who sadly are now departed.  6 years ago, my son (FIFO as an Engineer) was made redundant as part of the mining downturn in WA, and was offered a job in Queensland, so took up that offer.   It wasn't until he moved to Queensland that I realised exactly what I had put my parents through when I left WA to return to UK in 1972.   Son and I are in the same country, albeit a 6 hour flight plus a 2 hour train journey apart, and I miss him so much.   6 years on, I go over to visit with him  every year for 3 or 4 weeks, and he comes to see me a couple of times a year too, and I have to say that I now know how my parents must have felt when I returned to England.  My parents were wonderfully supportive of me, but I now understand how they must have felt but never communicated that with me. They used to visit me in UK alternate years, and I would come back to Perth now and again too.

What I take from all of this is that we are our own person... we are what our parents and our life experiences make us... our decisions have to be for ourselves. I am so thankful that my parents allowed me to make the decisions and do what I did, and that they supported me.. they gave advice as they thought fit, as I have to my children.

The big BUT though has to be, be gentle of those you love and will be leaving behind when you move on.  Love your family, but be honest and sharing with your thoughts.  And keep in touch as often as you can.   When I left WA to go back to UK in 1972, Mum and I used to write to each other on Sunday for almost 20 years.  No internet, email, or cheap phone calls etc, so RoyalMail/AustraliaPost was our sole contact.   My son and daughter and I are blessed to have the internet, email, facetime, skype, etc and talk most days, and that keeps our family close.  My Mum died recently at 95, and I have been going through all her belongings and have come cross every letter I ever wrote her... she had kept every single one... and wrote comments on them to remind herself how to reply to me..... this totally broke me.  So as I say, be honest, be open, be generous with your love and comments.

[kimpi]

It's been over two years now since I posted about my Son emigrating to Perth.   It was 20 months before I saw him again when he came back for a visit to the UK last year.  That was quite simply an awful 20 months - it all disappeared when I saw my Son at the airport and got to hold him again.  2 months later my hubby and I were fortunate to fly out to Perth for 6 and a half weeks over Christmas (used up most of our holidays for 2 years!), but it was well worth it as we had a wonderful time.

It has been a painful journey learning to live without seeing my Son (he left home and country at the same time - big empty nest syndrome).  I cried on and off right up until I got to visit him in Perth, and for some reason that settled me.  Perhaps seeing that he's doing o.k and he's happy was what I needed, and now I know I can get there having done it once.  The goodbyes were dreadful and teary though!   I am happy for him - but sad for me.  It took me a while to understand that it was possible to be happy for him, but also grieve.  I didn't really talk to anyone about it whilst I was going through the worst because no-one really understood what I was feeling and said things that they thought would make me feel better - but actually made me feel worse:)  

My life has totally changed, there's no doubt about it.  I feel different, I don't really feel like the Mum I used to - I feel I have the title and emotions but without the day job - more of a remote job!  I love my Son so very much, and I do miss him every day - it's something I've just had to learn to live with whether I wanted to or not.

However, saying all that - 2 years down the line what it has done is given myself and hubby time to reflect on what WE want to do - we haven't really ever sat down and thought about it before - and we were a bit shocked to realise that we really had no idea where to start!   But it led to this.  We are both 55 later this year, and we have decided to take early retirement and do a little travelling ourselves.  We have lost a few friends and family who didn't make it to retirement - so this also spurred us on.   We'll be spending some time in Australia, hopefully a few months at a time - our good friends live in New York state and we'll be heading out there for a few months too to help them with their new business.  The strangest thing was when I discussed all this with my son, and said that we may think of selling our house and moving elsewhere eventually - he got really emotional because I think he thought we'd always be in the same place, and he felt like his 'roots' would be gone.  I had to gently remind him that he is pursuing his dreams - so now it's our time to start living ours - and that it didn't matter where we were, we'd always be there for him.  I realised that although he wanted to live in Australia, he really loves and misses all the family he left behind.

I really feel for all the Mum's who are losing their children to other countries, because that is how it feels - it's a loss.  Just know you aren't alone, there are so many of us.  It does get easier, it does get bearable .. eventually. 

xx

 

 

 

 

[ali]

I just want to say that there are some wonderful and beautiful parents out there  - your children are blessed xx

[Tulip1]

6 hours ago, Rossmoyne said:

I was surprised today when this old thread was resurrected, but realise it is an age old issue and will keep on coming up as the world is so open to people moving from country to country, for whatever reason.

For those who don't know me.... I live in Perth, am in my 70's and have 2 offspring, both in their 30's and neither have children. My parents, brother and I were 10 pound Poms, and I lived in Oz for 6 years in the late 60's/early 70's.   I missed England too much, and although I spent 3 years travelling around Australia, I just couldn't settle, so from my mid 20's to mid 40's I lived in England and leaving my migrant parents here in Perth. After I lost my husband, I returned to Perth in 1991 with a son aged 5 and a daughter aged 8.  My children grew up and were educated in Perth and had wonderful relationships with my parents, who sadly are now departed.  6 years ago, my son (FIFO as an Engineer) was made redundant as part of the mining downturn in WA, and was offered a job in Queensland, so took up that offer.   It wasn't until he moved to Queensland that I realised exactly what I had put my parents through when I left WA to return to UK in 1972.   Son and I are in the same country, albeit a 6 hour flight plus a 2 hour train journey apart, and I miss him so much.   6 years on, I go over to visit with him  every year for 3 or 4 weeks, and he comes to see me a couple of times a year too, and I have to say that I now know how my parents must have felt when I returned to England.  My parents were wonderfully supportive of me, but I now understand how they must have felt but never communicated that with me. They used to visit me in UK alternate years, and I would come back to Perth now and again too.

What I take from all of this is that we are our own person... we are what our parents and our life experiences make us... our decisions have to be for ourselves. I am so thankful that my parents allowed me to make the decisions and do what I did, and that they supported me.. they gave advice as they thought fit, as I have to my children.

The big BUT though has to be, be gentle of those you love and will be leaving behind when you move on.  Love your family, but be honest and sharing with your thoughts.  And keep in touch as often as you can.   When I left WA to go back to UK in 1972, Mum and I used to write to each other on Sunday for almost 20 years.  No internet, email, or cheap phone calls etc, so RoyalMail/AustraliaPost was our sole contact.   My son and daughter and I are blessed to have the internet, email, facetime, skype, etc and talk most days, and that keeps our family close.  My Mum died recently at 95, and I have been going through all her belongings and have come cross every letter I ever wrote her... she had kept every single one... and wrote comments on them to remind herself how to reply to me..... this totally broke me.  So as I say, be honest, be open, be generous with your love and comments.

What a lovely response. I can imagine finding those letters broke you but oh how lucky you are to have had a mum who cherished your letters so much, that’s true love and very sweet. 

Edited February 19, 2019 by Tulip1

[Toots]

11 hours ago, Rossmoyne said:

I was surprised today when this old thread was resurrected, but realise it is an age old issue and will keep on coming up as the world is so open to people moving from country to country, for whatever reason.

For those who don't know me.... I live in Perth, am in my 70's and have 2 offspring, both in their 30's and neither have children. My parents, brother and I were 10 pound Poms, and I lived in Oz for 6 years in the late 60's/early 70's.   I missed England too much, and although I spent 3 years travelling around Australia, I just couldn't settle, so from my mid 20's to mid 40's I lived in England and leaving my migrant parents here in Perth. After I lost my husband, I returned to Perth in 1991 with a son aged 5 and a daughter aged 8.  My children grew up and were educated in Perth and had wonderful relationships with my parents, who sadly are now departed.  6 years ago, my son (FIFO as an Engineer) was made redundant as part of the mining downturn in WA, and was offered a job in Queensland, so took up that offer.   It wasn't until he moved to Queensland that I realised exactly what I had put my parents through when I left WA to return to UK in 1972.   Son and I are in the same country, albeit a 6 hour flight plus a 2 hour train journey apart, and I miss him so much.   6 years on, I go over to visit with him  every year for 3 or 4 weeks, and he comes to see me a couple of times a year too, and I have to say that I now know how my parents must have felt when I returned to England.  My parents were wonderfully supportive of me, but I now understand how they must have felt but never communicated that with me. They used to visit me in UK alternate years, and I would come back to Perth now and again too.

What I take from all of this is that we are our own person... we are what our parents and our life experiences make us... our decisions have to be for ourselves. I am so thankful that my parents allowed me to make the decisions and do what I did, and that they supported me.. they gave advice as they thought fit, as I have to my children.

The big BUT though has to be, be gentle of those you love and will be leaving behind when you move on.  Love your family, but be honest and sharing with your thoughts.  And keep in touch as often as you can.   When I left WA to go back to UK in 1972, Mum and I used to write to each other on Sunday for almost 20 years.  No internet, email, or cheap phone calls etc, so RoyalMail/AustraliaPost was our sole contact.   My son and daughter and I are blessed to have the internet, email, facetime, skype, etc and talk most days, and that keeps our family close.  My Mum died recently at 95, and I have been going through all her belongings and have come cross every letter I ever wrote her... she had kept every single one... and wrote comments on them to remind herself how to reply to me..... this totally broke me.  So as I say, be honest, be open, be generous with your love and comments.

I have a lump in my throat after reading this especially the last paragraph.

My sons were born here in Australia but one is now in New York and one in Ireland.  We keep in touch all the time via skype, emails etc and we last had a get together in November in New York.  They have no plans to return here for a holiday at the moment.  Of course I miss them but they are grown men with their own lives to lead.  

Rossie, my Mum had kept all my letters to her too BUT I also have all her letters.  I keep them in a wooden box one of my lads made for me when he was 10 years old.  

[Quoll]

11 hours ago, Rossmoyne said:

I was surprised today when this old thread was resurrected, but realise it is an age old issue and will keep on coming up as the world is so open to people moving from country to country, for whatever reason.

For those who don't know me.... I live in Perth, am in my 70's and have 2 offspring, both in their 30's and neither have children. My parents, brother and I were 10 pound Poms, and I lived in Oz for 6 years in the late 60's/early 70's.   I missed England too much, and although I spent 3 years travelling around Australia, I just couldn't settle, so from my mid 20's to mid 40's I lived in England and leaving my migrant parents here in Perth. After I lost my husband, I returned to Perth in 1991 with a son aged 5 and a daughter aged 8.  My children grew up and were educated in Perth and had wonderful relationships with my parents, who sadly are now departed.  6 years ago, my son (FIFO as an Engineer) was made redundant as part of the mining downturn in WA, and was offered a job in Queensland, so took up that offer.   It wasn't until he moved to Queensland that I realised exactly what I had put my parents through when I left WA to return to UK in 1972.   Son and I are in the same country, albeit a 6 hour flight plus a 2 hour train journey apart, and I miss him so much.   6 years on, I go over to visit with him  every year for 3 or 4 weeks, and he comes to see me a couple of times a year too, and I have to say that I now know how my parents must have felt when I returned to England.  My parents were wonderfully supportive of me, but I now understand how they must have felt but never communicated that with me. They used to visit me in UK alternate years, and I would come back to Perth now and again too.

What I take from all of this is that we are our own person... we are what our parents and our life experiences make us... our decisions have to be for ourselves. I am so thankful that my parents allowed me to make the decisions and do what I did, and that they supported me.. they gave advice as they thought fit, as I have to my children.

The big BUT though has to be, be gentle of those you love and will be leaving behind when you move on.  Love your family, but be honest and sharing with your thoughts.  And keep in touch as often as you can.   When I left WA to go back to UK in 1972, Mum and I used to write to each other on Sunday for almost 20 years.  No internet, email, or cheap phone calls etc, so RoyalMail/AustraliaPost was our sole contact.   My son and daughter and I are blessed to have the internet, email, facetime, skype, etc and talk most days, and that keeps our family close.  My Mum died recently at 95, and I have been going through all her belongings and have come cross every letter I ever wrote her... she had kept every single one... and wrote comments on them to remind herself how to reply to me..... this totally broke me.  So as I say, be honest, be open, be generous with your love and comments.

Aw, that had me in tears. I haven't looked but my mum was a hoarder and I wouldn't be surprised if I find my letters to her - I wasn't nearly as good as you, I didn't do it weekly but I suspect they're all here somewhere (dad is still alive, we haven't cleared things yet).  My DH wrote to his mum every week in a nice card and she had kept them all so he still has them - almost like a diary for him.

[Rossmoyne]

On 20/02/2019 at 06:29, Toots said:

I have a lump in my throat after reading this especially the last paragraph.

My sons were born here in Australia but one is now in New York and one in Ireland.  We keep in touch all the time via skype, emails etc and we last had a get together in November in New York.  They have no plans to return here for a holiday at the moment.  Of course I miss them but they are grown men with their own lives to lead.  

Rossie, my Mum had kept all my letters to her too BUT I also have all her letters.  I keep them in a wooden box one of my lads made for me when he was 10 years old.  

Toots I so wish I had kept all Mum's letters to me, but I moved so often for many years, and unfortunately they were part of the things I left behind.   I do have some, but wish I had them all.

[Toots]

21 minutes ago, Rossmoyne said:

Toots I so wish I had kept all Mum's letters to me, but I moved so often for many years, and unfortunately they were part of the things I left behind.   I do have some, but wish I had them all.

My Dad only ever wrote to me twice and I have kept those letters too.