Homesick after 3 years!!!

[billington22]

'Give it 6 months' they said...I did & still felt the same. 'Give it 12 month's they said...I did & still felt the same. 'Wait till your permanent residency comes through' they said....I did & still felt the same!! I've now been here in Victoria just over 3 years and I think about home and moving back to the UK every day!! I've posted several times on here before and it does make me feel better that other people are feeling the same as me. (hope that doesn't sound horrible! It's not meant to!) I've struggled to find permanent work here. Contract after contract so feel unsettled all the time. Found out last week my contract will finish next July. Arrrgh! So frustrating. My husband LOVES it here. He has a good job (permanent) which he loves. He knows I am unhappy here but doesn't understand how I feel. He can't understand why I would want to move back to the UK. We went back at Xmas for 5 weeks. I loved it but he became quite depressed and couldn't wait to get back to Australia! My kids (3 & 7) seem to enjoy it here but even they have been asking to go back to England to see family. Think my feelings are now starting to affect them..which I don't want. I have a great social network here (far better than 'home') but I really miss my family. Especially my mum & sister. They have visited a couple of times and are due to visit again over the next few months. I also miss the familiarity of things, the history. I don't know. It's all very confusing and I'm not actually sure of the purpose of this post but how do you know when enough is enough? I don't want to be a ping pong pom! I know ex-pats that have lived here for more than 30 years but still hanker for the UK and all things British. I don't want to be like that either!! Help! Any advice would be welcomed. Anyone that has been in a similar position?

[Rupert]

Did you discuss with your husband what would happen if one of you doesn't like it here? I think that is an essential conversation for any migrant. We had the conversation and decided that our minimum would be four years (unless somebody was seriously depressed and unhappy and not just a touch unsettled / homesick). As it turns out we both settled, but it was important to have the conversation and I still am glad that we have the deal that ultimately we will leave if one wants to leave.

 

Anyway if you did something like that it would be a good starting point for the conversations you need to have. I am personally of the view that it is more unkind to make one partner stay in a foreign land than it is to have the other return to everything they always have known. At the same time, it is only fair to give it a fair go (which you have) and make some kind of a deal over how much longer do you give it before you return.

[billington22]

Yes, we had the discussion but it seemed a bit different having it before we left as we were both excited to leave. My husband has said we'll go back (if we have to!!) but I think he would really resent me for making him do it. Also not sure he would find work. He hated his profession in the UK.

[Guest]

I spent 4 years like you, thinking PR would help, buying our own house even getting a cat eventually we had everything we could possibly want and that was when I looked at my life and thought 'this is it' - 4 years of heartache and struggle for a bit of sunshine, a beach and the odd BBQ. I wasn't homesick and in someways that meant our decision was quite rational - we didn't like Perth, didn't think anywhere else (that we could get work) would be much better and had the option to live elsewhere so too it.

 

It is of course harder when you don't both feel the same and if pragmatically it makes more sense to stay. Nowhere is perfect, you just have to decide where ticks more boxes for you all as a family.

 

Do stay and get citizenship - you are lucky your children are young enough to stay a while longer and move back easily - my 10 year old has moved back without a backward glance.

 

What makes you think yr OH wouldn't get work - just the economy? That will be very different even 12 months from now. If it's training or experience then make a plan that enables your OH not to be disadvantaged if you move back.

 

I'm with Rupert - I think the home country should take precedence if one partner is unhappy. Of course there are degrees of unhappiness and it can't be purely an emotional decision.

[Chortlepuss]

I do sympathise. After 7 years in Brisbane I have decided that long term I want to be in the UK. Hubby loves it here. One adult child will stay, one child wants to go home. I'm not so much homesick - have an OK life here - as trying to be practical. Your job sounds quite long term to me - I often have gigs for three months followed by months of job hunting. I have skills in demand in the UK and can't afford to live here without work. The job uncertainty and lack of demand for my skills does affect my self confidence Things that are important to me (especially travelling) are out of reach here. I do miss the beauty, variety and culture of the UK. I even miss the weather strangely enough. I am so grateful for the chance to have experienced Oz but it is a very different country to the one I came to 7 years ago. You're not alone. Whilst I love the natural beauty here, Brisbane as a city just doesn't do it for me. I have just come back from 5 months in the UK. Fitted in a 3 month work contract, a city mini break and two European holidays. After hubby saw how much fun I had he has been convinced of a long term return! Just need to sort out issue of youngest's university education!

[Phil & Vikki]

Must agree with the migrant conversation part. We had that many a time and said that we would give it until we got the citizenship and then see how we felt after that. The plan was always to get citizenship for the kids, so they could do what they wanted later down the line, make their own minds up. As it happens, we are very much both in the same frame of mind currently and just need to work out the best option now. Your situation sounds very different though as you are not both in the same frame of mind and whichever decision you make will leave one feeling like it is not really what they want. Was told once that making a list of the good and bad points was a good idea. Not sure if you have done this yet, but it would help you visualize what you both line and want.

 

The pull towards the family, friends and all the comforts that you had back in the UK (home) is a strong one, that is sometimes underestimated in all the excitement of initially moving out here in the first place. We sure did underestimate this and in the most, it did not come into our thoughts at the time. We are now finding it is the little things we are missing; being able to drop the kids of with the grandparents and go out for the night, the local takeaways where they know your name, UK comedy and shows, the cold and the dark nights where you feel nice and cosy inside by the fire. All things like that, never came into our thoughts when we decided to come out here, but we are finding that they are start to pull us back towards home.

 

Then there is the family and friends consideration. Everyone (including us) said that with technology today, the world is becoming a far smaller place and that is true. However, there is nothing like being able to just pop around to someones house for a chat and a cup of tea, sometimes a biscuit if they are really good friends Recently my father passed away and that is when we fully realized how far away we were from everyone we know and love. Time to book flights, time to get back, it was coming on to a week later, which for my mom was not nice at all. It if we were there, we could of been there within a few minutes. That is something you have to accept when you move here, but with everyone getting no younger, people may find that they have to deal with situations like this sooner than what they initially thought. We sure did.

 

These are all things to consider when moving out here or even staying. Life can sometimes be very cruel. I would of given my dad another 10 years at least, but around two hours after we last spoke on the phone he was on his way towards the light. We had planned to come back again for Christmas, so that my mom and dad could see their grandchildren, as we had taken the most important thing away from them (not in a nasty way), but it was not to be.

 

What I am trying to say here is that if you feel the pull towards the family so bad, then that may be the answer that you are looking for as to whether you should stay or go. You never know when the clock will stop ticking and it is not nice to be thinking after the loss of someone very close, I should of gone back sooner. You should not live life with regrets as you should look forward, so if something is not right then it is a good sign that it needs to be changed, to make it feel righ.

[billington22]

So sorry to hear about your loss. I feel I could've written your post as you 'hit the nail on the head' with many of your comments. My sister lost her baby (aged 16days old) last year and it hit me like a brick just how far away I was. I tormented myself about how I wasn't there for her when I should've been. I did manage to fly back for the funeral (in and out the UK in 3 days!) and felt much better for doing that. She has since gone on to have another beautiful little girl so think this is why my desire to return back to the UK is greater than ever. I have drawn up several lists of For and Against's and my list for returning home always starts with family (which I think is worth 50 againsts!) In my heart I would love to return home. If someone would offer me my old life back I would take it like a shot. However that's not going to happen!! The return home I know, will be just as hard as the journey out here. With all the knockbacks I've had I do wonder if this is fates way of saying 'Go home!.' The plan is to get citizenship (which I think we can apply for September 2014) & then see....

[jen85]

Why did you move to begin with? It sounds like you never really wanted to leave, was it your husbands desire? If so, your feelings should be taken into consideration. There's no point living somewhere you are unhappy and you can never get that time lost back with your family.

 

I hope you get to return as it sounds as though you need it. Good luck.

[Quoll]

If it hasn't happened in 3 years chances are it isn't going to happen at all. In 32 years I always knew it wasn't going to be for me forever (that's the crippling word!) but my DH and I never had "the talk" until I thought it was too late. For any years I was relatively happy because I thought there was going to be light at the end of the tunnel, it was an adventure and my next adventure was a little way down the track. Just 3 years ago he was adamant that he never wanted to live in UK again - EVER! That he would be depressed etc etc. life throws you curve balls though and I just never returned from my last holiday (aged parents - wheels fell off the independent wagon!) so here I am with a much more fulfilled life, 50kg less of me, fitter, healthier and no longer a victim of situational depression. The DH seems happy too - he's into English history with an academic passion, enjoying the cycling and gardening and generally having a grand time.

 

If situational depression is what ails you then removal from the situation is the only sure cure but if you decide as a family that you have to stay where you are then may I suggest seeing a good CBT or ACT counsellor to help you with tricks to get you through every day if the feelings begin to overwhelm your life.

 

Good of luck with your decision!

[legoman]

3 years of your life you will not get back again, but at least you have been there and tried it and given it a good go

seems you are able to make a practical decision not an emotional one. Good luck

[Perthbum]

You miss your family and friends...anything else? You have a better social life out there so it is only family you miss, of course you enjoyed Xmas as everyone is on holiday and happy but say you return and you don't see your friends and family much.....your husband becomes depressed.....you start having arguments as he feels you have ruined your families chances.....try and see it from his perspective, get family to come over on holiday, stop thinking of your old life and try and embrace your new life.

[billington22]

Such a difficult decision.....It was actually a lifelong ambition of mine & my husbands to emigrate to Oz but I did get cold feet after my son (second child) was born. However after being given the knock back several times (Visa issues) we were given the opportunity to come on a 457. We thought we should give it a go as we didn't want to be older and regret not having tried. In my heart of hearts I was worried about the whole thing but gave it a go anyway. I really threw myself into the lifestyle here but have had a lot of knockbacks professionally and personally which have really made me question is it all worth it? I have had several family visits and there are more planned at Xmas & Easter. I just really miss being able to pop round for a brew. Personally I think I know what I want but am just terrified of regretting a move back. I've been testing the water with some people (here & in the UK) and they are horrified I would even consider a return to the UK!! (My mum & sis don't feel this way and are desperate for me to return!) I also know my husband would forever resent me.Thanks everyone for your advice.

[Guest littlesarah]

You came and gave it a go, which many people wouldn't, and I think you should be admired for that. I think a lot of people underestimate what it is like to move to the other side of the world, including those who are 'horrified' when others do so and choose to return. It's easy to encourage your friends to leave and/or stay, but faced with the same situation, many people realise they'd rather be in the place they came from.

 

There must be something your husband could do that would make his work life more bearable in the UK - maybe if he could work less than full-time or something? Or is there a location that would appeal to him? But I'm sure he wouldn't resent you for the way you feel, which you can't really help, and for asking him to honour an agreement you both made in good faith.

 

My husband made it quite clear before we even married that there was no point proceeding if I wasn't prepared to live in Australia (I'd visited for year, so knew what to expect); but I think if I hated it and wanted to leave I could probably persuade him to move. On our last trip, I think OH actually saw the things he'd liked about living in the UK, and we did loads of touristy things that we'd never got round to doing when we lived there. I could live in either country, and I know I'd be happy (though my preference is to stay put); but living somewhere you're not happy is a very hard thing to do in the long-term, in my experience. I moved away from my home town, and honestly I realised that I hadn't been happy there for a long time - just being in a different part of England made my life better!

 

I hope you guys come up with a resolution that you can both/all live with. Though I agree with those who suggest staying long enough to at least get citizenship - at least that keeps the door open and gives you a really good reason to stick it out a while longer.

 

Best of luck. :hug: