seekingsunshine Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Hey everyone... I've just separated from my husband - he has gone off with another woman (was our mutual friend) and left me with our four kids and I am 22 weeks pregnant.... He is not the same man and he won't do counselling or anything just says he has 'strong feelings' for this other woman and that's that....obviously no strong feelings for me, our four kids and unborn child so my dilemma is what am I to do? I have duel citizenship with au and uk but all my family is in uk...I have an amazing network of friends who have been very supportive here but obviously you cant just keep asking people... to complicate matters my pregnancy is not going well, was told a couple of weeks ago to consider termination....the situation has improved but I am scanned and monitored weekly and baby will almost certainly be born early with underdeveloped lungs..... my husband was aware of all this but still thought it would be a great time to develop feelings for someone else... my parents have suggested that me and the children go back to the uk with them and stay for six months so they can help with the children, birth and special care of baby, my ex partner has agreed children can go for as long as I want/need...(he doesn't seem to care) I do not want to be in the uk at all but can not see how I can manage in the short term with such a difficult pregnancy my parents cannot stay here longer... i'm worried if I return to the uk I will be stuck there for months if the baby is very premature.... I feel like I need a change of scene and need to give myself a break from my selfish ex and surround myself with people who love and genuinely care about me and the children....but I don't want to be in the uk in the long term I just don't know what to do.... I hope no-one else has ever been put in this situation but just in case I thought I would put it out there...for any suggestions Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calNgary Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 So sorry to hear this,a selfish hubby is just what you can do without when your pregnant. In your shoes id be tempted to go where family is, but if you dont really want to, then tell Hubby he MUST step up and help out with the kids and take your friends up on offers of help. One day you can re pay them the favor when you and baby are back up and running. Id also if any of your family could visit for a few weeks, as this would give your friends (and yourself) a little break. Cal x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seekingsunshine Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 thanks for the reply - he can't and won't , he lost his job a couple of months ago and only has temp contract now so cant take time off our children are 7,6,4 and 2 and I am struggling to see what to do for best Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akiralx Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Not sure you can leave with your children without his permission (which may be forthcoming of course- though he may fear you might not return?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Shoes Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) You poor thing .... I just don't know how anyone could do something so horrible .... I wish you luck, here's a massive big virtual hug for you ...... :hug: just wish there was something else I could do or say that would your situation better x x x Cal makes a lot of sense, maybe having family near / closer might be a very good idea .... Edited June 25, 2013 by Love Shoes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 I know you need help but have you considered the cost of going home, even just for 6 months, you and 4 kids will cost thousands just for flights. Then if you have been out of the country for years, how easy will it be to just fit back into the health service, find somewhere to live, four kids is a lot for someone else to put up if you are going to stay with someone, schools for the kids etc, its not just a matter of jumping on a plane, what would you do with all your stuff here. Not being unsympathetic but pratical. Could friends, family not take turns of coming out for a couple of months each to help out, instead of uprooting the kids just 6 months, they will be unsettled enough if their dad has just left. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrownEyedGal Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 My gut feeling is that you want to stay here in Australia despite the difficulties. Once you are back in the UK it will be difficult & costly to return if that is your wish. Your amazing network of friends, DO want you to ask and I am sure that they will be able to help you every wish way they can. Can I suggest getting help from the amazing Samaritans. They are angels and I am sure if you reach out to them , then your network will be even better. The Samaritans will help you with food-banks and centre-link. If any family or friends from the UK can come over as previously suggested by Cal, then get them over. Not knowing the home situation exactly, is it possible to have the help of an au-pair with live in status only? Only a suggestion. You need to start finding out your legal rights with regard to the children, home and maintenance etc. You also need to work out access for the children in the meantime with your husband. If you can't then you definitely need to speak to someone legal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seekingsunshine Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 he has said I can go as I will have more support there than he can give me, he will buy me out of our house so money isn't an issue plus I will still get centrelink benefits here while I am in uk... my parents have a huge property in 2 acres in a beautiful part of the uk so no dramas to stay with them at all, the kids are young so i'm happy to have them out of school, i'm still a uk citizen so presume I can use my nhs number I never cancelled it lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seekingsunshine Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 oh and I was planning to buy a return ticket, return in time for next school year and get a rental sorted, my parents have a home I can stay in here initially...i'm just scared I think that I will be stuck longer in the uk with a preemie baby and I don't know whether I should just face my difficulties here but then I would just really like some support and to remove myself from the situation Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) You seem to have it all worked out so what exactly is it you are looking for people to tell you? With all the help you are getting from your parents re accommodation etc I wouldn't exactly say you are in an impossible situation! Edited June 25, 2013 by AJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Who do you need the most temporarily?Your parents or friends support?I really feel for you,not a nice situation to be in at all right now.If you stay in Oz,can your parents stay in Oz longer than anticipated to support you?If so that could be a good option.Have your new baby and then see how you feel about where you'd like to be.If your parents can't stay longer,think about how you will feel when baby is born,and parents are a long way away.I always say people are more important than places.Go with your gut feeling xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Oh, I'm sorry. What a horrible situation for you. On a practical level - it is safe for you to fly? Have you talked to the health team in charge of your care? If you stay, they could your parents come back out when the baby is born? It sounds like you want to stay but need some more support. I agree with the poster above - your friends will want to help you, they really will. xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seekingsunshine Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 I have it worked out in the practical sense to some degree but my fear is being stuck in the uk with a preemie baby...ultimately I want my children to be Australian... si I know I answer my own question there...I just don't know wherther I am ready to face life here without my husband... my parents would come back out when the baby is born but this baby could arrive at any time that's why I am being monitored weekly and if the baby shows any distress then it will be taken out...could be at 26 weeks, could be 28 weeks I just don't know... it is safe for me to fly, just depends on the babys lung condition when born whether she will be able to fly... my friends are amazing...but not family...and I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with this situation on my own....feel very alone even tho my oparents are currently here.... thanks so much for the replies...I guess I am just talking it out in my head...ultimately I want to be in oz just not sure how practical or feasible it is with five kids on my own ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blossom Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Are you sure you would still get centrelink payments for that long out of Australia? Personally I think I would stay in oz. Your other children are already going to be all over the place with your husband leaving, taking them away from all they know would be pretty tough in that situation I think. I would also be worrying about flying during such a risky pregnancy. Good luck whatever you decide, and just remember, if he would do this to you, you are better off without him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Personally I think I would stay in oz. Your other children are already going to be all over the place with your husband leaving, taking them away from all they know would be pretty tough in that situation I think. I would also be worrying about flying during such a risky pregnancy. Good luck whatever you decide, and just remember, if he would do this to you, you are better off without him. I agree with this ^^^^ I'd say find a way to remain in Aus. Don't uproot your kids more than you need to as this is probably hard enough on them as it is. Also I'd be seriously concerned about flying with a high risk pregnancy. You say baby could arrive any time, well airlines won't take you if this is the case. You'll need a Docs certificate and so on and I'd not put my body or baby through 24 hours on a plane if my pregnancy was not going well. Also how can your husband buy you out of your share of the house if he is not working? I'd be inclined to try to ensure *you* keep the house as you and the children need a place to live. I'd try to work out a way for your parents (or at least one of them) to fly out when the baby arrives and stay for a bit to help get you through those early weeks. You seem to want to stay in Aus but are wanting the support of your parents in the short term. Work that out for them to come to you, not you all to them IMHO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Mistress Pragmatic here. With Aus citizenship you can come and go at will. Go where you have the best support network, Australia isn't going to go anywhere if you decide that your family are best positioned to help you. If you move yourself back it doesn't have to be forever (although its wise to say that it is a permanent return) because you never know what will happen tomorrow. Good luck, sounds like a rotten situation to find yourself in! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Counting Stars Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 I'm so sorry you have had this happen to you, its a horrible situation and he sounds like a horrible person and you are much better off without him no matter how much it hurts right now. Personally I would stay in Aus. I would be worried about flying that far what with a high risk pregnancy, I flew from NI to England when I was 25 weeks and literally just got a doctors certificate (High risk as went into labour at 25 weeks with my first) and it was the most stressful flight I've ever had, add to that another 23 hours and 4 other children?! I also think that it will be harder on the children to go back to the UK, you have a new baby etc etc. Just not worth it IMO, is there no way your parents can stay longer or come back nearer to your due date? True friends will help you as much as they can, when they can so if you have a good support network in Australia then use it. xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 I agree with posters, I have been in a similar (but slightly easier) position - I was left with 2 children and had to quit my job to support them as I had worked shifts around my now ex-husband. The initial pain, fear and anger is unbearable and you really do panic about the future however as each week passes, I feel that you become stronger and I certainly felt a better mother once I was on my own and settled. I understand the pregnancy is a major fear and I suppose you have no one to really discuss your own fears with however, I am sure as the situation arises your motherly instincts will kick in and you will be just fine. A good friend of mine recently lost her partner of 10 years to another woman and I was desperate to help as much as I could, she refused as she felt that she was taking advantage however, the human nature in us makes us want to care and support others. Its an internal selfish trait we have because as much as you think they are helping you, you are actually making them feel good within themselves. And if it makes you feel better - the statistics show only around 5% of marital affairs last! Its always worth binding your time until it all unties and suddenly your foolish ex husband lands back on earth! That feeling is truly satisfying and worth every minute of agony he made me endure! Keep your head up, remain strong and increase your social circle! Good Luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
travelchic Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 I may be wrong but I feel that right now your children need routine and consistency. It's only natural that you want to run to somewhere that's familiar and comfortable and safe. Women find themselves in similar positions all over the world. You will survive wherever you are. A similar thing has happened to me although not as extreme. And funnily enough it was friends that got me through that bad time, not family. My friends used to say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I would think wtf are they on about. I am dying inside here. But they were right. As for the hubby. Shame on him. Sit back and wait for the karma train girl. When it comes it will be sweet x Debs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest scrumpy Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Bobbit springs to mind! Good luck xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) I think you already know what you want to do. I cannot see the point of going back to the UK when you are referring to it constantly as being "stuck in the UK". If this is how it would make you feel, trapped and stuck, then you are better not going. Personally, I probably would go back in your situation, but as you, I think staying is the right thing. Edited June 25, 2013 by Rupert Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 centrelink have moved the goal posts and I believe you are only allowed to be out of the country for a short time before they stop paying. N0 agreement with the UK. This has happened t0 my friends brother and his wife, she has a disability pension and she has to nkeep flying back and forth. Now she has decided to just stay in Aus. We hve to notify centrelink when we are going to be out of the country. We can thank the EEC yet again for these problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrownEyedGal Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) Ok that is good. You have financial stability. Well its worth going home. I imagine it is emotional support for what is happening and helping the children and that is something you will receive in bucket loads from your family and counselling services via nhs in the uk. It is good to vent (on here and with friends) but you have to do something positive with that anger that you are feeling as it will no doubt affect you and the baby. Use it to be pro-active in sorting things out here in Australia with your husband and get ready to go back to the UK and have things as ready as you can for when you return. I would probably concentrate on that the house is in your name or you get the half share, before you go, as he may change his mind. Definitely engage someone skilled in these matters. However I really feel you want to stay. Is it fair to keep uprooting the children? Is is fair to fly with a baby that needs help?Ask your parents if they can stay longer or all of you arrange for support from any services that may be available in your area. You have to get your game on girl!! Edited June 25, 2013 by BrownEyedGal Spelling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen85 Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 he has said I can go as I will have more support there than he can give me, he will buy me out of our house so money isn't an issue plus I will still get centrelink benefits here while I am in uk... my parents have a huge property in 2 acres in a beautiful part of the uk so no dramas to stay with them at all, the kids are young so i'm happy to have them out of school, i'm still a uk citizen so presume I can use my nhs number I never cancelled it lol Sorry to hear your situation, if your family has offered to help that may be best in the short term you can always return to oz at a later date. Living in oz as a single parent isn't easy given the cost of living. I can say as a child growing up in oz without extended family is tough especially when you only have one parent. I am very drawn to the UK as most of my family are there and mum wants to return also. It is good that you have supportive friends however they may not always be available when you need them. Good luck with your decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janlo Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 Not sure you can leave with your children without his permission (which may be forthcoming of course- though he may fear you might not return?) He doesn't sound like he cares ? Better off in the uk for sure with loving family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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