SarahRob198 Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Hello everyone, I have taken over my partners account to post a message. Long story short I am 24, my partner is 21, our son is 4. We permanenty moved over to Australia in Jan 2013 (My partners family have already emigrated 5 years ago) so we thought we would give it a go. Before arriving in Australia we were pointing out all the bad things about the UK, the weather, our little flat, we didn't enjoy our jobs especially but didn't hate them, the Chavs! but again we werent too bothered, we often looked ahead and thought Australia will be a hell of alot better. Since being here I can't seem to shake this empty feeling inside, I can't seem to settle down. We got our own place to live, as we were staying with the family at first, we got a car, and jobs. My partner works as an apprentice chef, and unfortunately has split shifts, she no longer has alot of time for us. She has gone from finishing work in the UK at 2pm and spending the rest of the day with friends/family, to working 10am-2/3pm then back in at 5pm-9/10pm. Our son is in nursery from 8am - 4/5pm so she misses him greatly. I only work casually as I have found it very difficult to find full time work. We often wonder if its my partners job that is making us feel this way? and maybe it is, but we honestly think we cannot settle even if she found a different job. We talk about walking to town back in the UK, and casually looking through shops, we think about staying inside when its raining/snowing with the heating on, wrapping up on the sofa with a duvet watching a film, popping round to friends houses for a chat, working with people that actually want to speak to us, ( my partner has been bullied from day one at work ) walking around a Tesco store without feeling out of place (like we do here in a woolworths store) we just seem to miss all the little things, but why did we uproot our lives if nothing was wrong, the saying "if its not broke don't fix it" sticks here. Why I am writing this I don't know. Maybe I am seeking closure that going back home is the correct thing to do, but I know nobody can tell me what will happen in the future, or whats right and wrong. If we go home, I don't have my parents anymore, I lost them both to sudden heart attacks within the last 6 years, so if we go back, we are well and truly on our own, yet we still want to go? WHY DO WE WANT TO GO!? The question I find myself asking every minute of the day. Anyway, I hope this has made sense, and would love to get other peoples opinions or other peoples stories of when they have actually moved back to the UK from Aus and emigrating. Thank you for reading, Mike. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest16631 Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) .......sorry to hear your unhappy..... .......I can sympathise with the chef shifts........my son is single and sometimes finds it hard.... .......to have a family would be so much harder...:hug: .......you say you miss things ,and tbh.......Australia will never be able to reproduce what you had.... .....for me it was about finding something to replace it... ......the supermarkets when I arrived here ......we're nothing like they are today .....so the divide was bigger ime...... ..........so I started shopping at the local markets.......The fresh food on offer was amazing...... ..........also the diversity .......so many different cultures and I learnt a lot about different foods.... ..........friends take time.........and again you cannot replace friendships that have taken most if your life to build........ .............but you can find friends by finding like minded people.......... ..............I joined a painting class .......and still keep in touch with a few from there.... .............but only you know if you will settle here.........will the alternatives be able to take place of what you held dear.....? .............your partners working hours are harsh......... ..............and I am sure that must be a strain on all of you........hope they can find better soon.... ............but whatever you decide to do...........I wish you and yours well........ .............yours and your family's happiness must be your priority...IMO...... ...............so take care and good luck...........tink x Edited May 19, 2013 by Guest16631 Spelling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tickled Pink Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Aside from family, have you made any friends of your own? I understand that can be difficult, we've all been there... but it can really help in terms of helping to settle. It's hard without regular work too... where in Aus are you based? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Its not easy for anyone when we first arrive, even if there are family around. It is just so different and unfamiliar. The shifts do not help and the bullying is intolerable for anyone, I think restaurant kitchens watch Gordon Ramsay and then think its the way they should treat staff. Its hard when used to spending more time together too. Most of us have had times in our own lives when we have spent more time apart, bringing up children and working to get a better life interfere greatly with social life wherever we live. We have to have goals in life I think. Then we can change things and we do have to make time for friends and family even though sometimes we don't want to. I am very guilty of that. I like to retreat and cocoon myself at times. Can't tell you what to do but we do tend to only remember good bits, its just the way we are, that is why we make bad witnesses, as time goes on our memories of things change slightly etc etc. One thing I have learned and I am an impetuous person is do not make decisions when I am unhappy, make them when I am happy as then they are usually the right ones to make. Hope things improve for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 You just need to go through the pluses and minuses in a list to figure out where is best for you and your family. But, i do think maybe your partner should look for another job with better hours Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahRob198 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Share Posted May 19, 2013 Thank you all for replying. Tink - I genuinely don't feel that the alternatives here, will be able to replace what we had back in the UK. But at the same time, I don't understand why I was more than happy to uproot our lives back in the UK, to attempt a life here in Australia. Why can't I decide what I truly want from all of this, yet I was quick to say "yep, lets move to Australia"...... Answers only I can answer . Tickled pink - We are based near the Gold Coast, Pacific Pines. I have spoken to a couple of people, but can't exactly say we are 'friends'. Petals - You are right, the bullying is intolerable, I feel so sorry for my partner, and admire her for sticking to it. We were quite lucky in the UK, we we earning enough money for bills, and had enough to do what we wanted, when we wanted, aswell as spending time with friends and together. I would like to think I could be happy here, then make my desicion, but I can't see how I will ever be truly happy here, but whilst saying that, I don't see why we are so desperate to go back home, when we were so quick to leave? again, questions only we can answer . I appreciate your comments, thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tickled Pink Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Ok, so let's be proactive. Are you on Facebook? PM me, my husband and I live in Brisbane, maybe we can do something about the friend situation. Believe me, having a few makes a lot of difference to how you feel - I've seen the change it can make to other people I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahRob198 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Share Posted May 19, 2013 You just need to go through the pluses and minuses in a list to figure out where is best for you and your family. But, i do think maybe your partner should look for another job with better hours Honestly, the last 4/5 days, we have done nothing but write list after list. Positives of going back, positives of staying, negatives of going back, negatives of staying, I might actually upload them, to see if people agree, but again, the lists are how we feel. The unfortunate thing about the lists is, both have the same number of positives and negatives as each other, so there is no definite, "yes lets stay" or "lets go home" My heart is so torn between what is best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 How about breaking down the problem into smaller bite-size pieces. First priority I would think is for your partner to look for another job with better hours so you can spend more time together. Try and focus on that to start with, then go back to your problem and look at your lists again. Does a different job/better hours make the difference you thought it would? Perhaps set yourself a deadline - work on the details one at a time, and put the big issues on the back burner for the moment, then in two months time perhaps, sit down and reassess. Then work on the networking/friends problem. Maybe take up salsa dancing or something, or painting, or photoraphy, or cyclling.... something you can both enjoy together or enjoy as a family where you will meet others. Does that make a difference? I think you have already analysed the problems, but dealing with everything at once is just too big a task, especially when you have recently made such a major change in your lives. I think deaing with emigrating is a bit like dealing with any sort of grief - you have to go through a bit of a mourning period for what you have left behind. And you have had a lot of grief to deal with in a short space of time, losing your parents as well. How about agreeing you will stick it out for a year, whilst trying to change some of the smaller details (job, social life etc) and agreeing if you still feel unhappy next January, you will put the wheels in motion to go back to the UK? Having an end date to work towards may help you get through the day to day unhappiness in the meantime, and having a step by step plan will (a) make the time pass and (b) make sure at the end of the year, you know you have given it your best shot. Best of luck, I really do feel for you - I still feel like a foreigner here sometimes, and we moved nearly nine years ago. I deal with it by listening to a lot of UK radio and watching UK TV a lot, and force myself to really appreciate what makes Australia different - like being able to pop out into my garden and pick a mandarin off my tree, or having parakeets in the conifers in my garden... yes, I could do the same with apples or sparrows in England, both are nice but in different ways! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skani Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 I don't think there is anything unusual about you feeling so lost. You have been here only 4 months and it seems about month 3+ is the time for major wobbles. The adrenaline which went into the actual move and settling in has worn off but you have not been here long enough to feel any sort of familiarity...so you feel adrift in a foreign land. And there's nothing unusual in not knowing what you want. You are both very young: IME it takes til about 50 to work out what you want.:wink: I haven't lived on the Gold Coast but I have heard others say it can be difficult for newcomers because it has developped so quickly that there is no real sense of community. I also think that your partner's roster and working environment would be a major negative for anyone, especially with a young child. Any chance she can find something less stressful? I'd seek to make contact with other new Gold Coast arrivals here which will at least give you a group to talk with who know where you are coming from and can offer some sympathetic support. But do remember that this major wobble, 3+ months after arriving, is not unusual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 I am twice your age, with a son twice the age of yours Although in lots of ways our circumstances are different I found myself agreeing with everything you say about how you feel. Its quite rare to find someone working less hours here and quite often the hours are longer (I went from 35 in the UK to 40 here - that hour a day makes a difference as a mum), as a new migrant (or simply new member of staff) you have to pay your dues so probably get the worst shifts too. Bullying can happen anywhere but it does seem worse here (no facts to back this up), my OH had an awful time and HR did nothing. English people are very poor at celebrating their culture so much so that most of us don't even realise we have one but it sounds to me that's exactly what you are missing - your own culture. Many of those that return ask themselves the same question 'why didn't we realise what we had' - the good news is of those that return to the UK most end up happier than they have ever been and don't regret their venture down under. You have only been here 6 months though and are almost certainly still experiencing 'culture shock' - there is a pretty well researched and documented series of stages someone goes through when they move to a different country - the phase where they feel like they don't belong and hate everything about the new culture is quite normal! If you google culture shock stages you can find out more - you may find it comforting. I think the tricky bit is working out whether you simply don't like Australian culture (& that's no crime!) or whether you are simply going through culture shock that will pass. Many people will advise you to 'give it two years' I have mixed feelings about that - I have been here coming up 5 and it took until about a year ago to take stock and realise that I prefer the UK. I think if we'd given up when the going got tough about a year in then there may have been residual 'what if's'. On the otherhand I see many people on this board who never give Australia a chance and may as well get the next flight home because if they won a million $ they'd complain about the colour of Australian money It doesn't sound like you fall into this group so, without knowing more about your situation it may be worth hanging in there, and accepting 'culture shock' is part of the journey. Try to fix the things that are broke - partners job maybe? Though the profession she is in, isn't family friendly unfortunately. Seek to integrate, take up offers of friendship etc. I assume you haven't bought a house - don't, don't get pets or loans or anything else that makes it harder to leave. Treat it as a working holiday - give it to the end of the year, then decide whether to stay another year (just like someone your age on a WHV would) All of you are young enough for it to make little long term difference in your life whether you stay 6 months, 1 year or 2. It isn't cheap so best to stay until you are 100% sure. When you know, you'll know - believe me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 I would maybe make a pact regarding how long you give it, you obviously both wanted to try it and I think if you don't give it a fair crack of the whip, you might go back and regret it and end up ping ponging. Whilst things are manageable, both commit to that agreed length of time, which I think should perhaps just be a year for you. Then during the rest of that year, do your utmost to make it work, change jobs, find jobs, find friends. See if things improve that way. It is not unusual to just miss the UK, it is what you are accustomed to. I lived overseas unhappily once, when I made trips back I was so happy at just the familiarity of the landscape and the sound of the various UK accents that I heard strangers speak in, was pure music to my ears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 I've nothing to add, other than, as my old scouse mate in blighty used to put it, "I'd bet you a pound to a pinch of shlt" that if your OH had regular hours, and you had more time together, that you'd gain a whole new perspective on your situation. It may also give you more time to find friends. Good luck, and if you're ever coming up this way, feel free to pm me if you want to bend my ear over a few beers. kev Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way - as the others have said you're probably still in a state of culture shock. It certainly does seem for many folk that he sooner you return, the more likely are the "what ifs" and, if you can bear it, I think it is a really good idea to set a date in the future when you will sit down and think about where you want o go next and in the meantime give it everything you've got to have a bloody good time and don't even have the prospect of a return in your future. Alternatively, I guess you could both put out non committal feelers back amongst your UK network and see if someone comes up with an opportunity for you not to be missed - in which case dont miss it and move on to the next best thing! I think it is the "forever" that is the crippling thing here - nothing is forever, you are young and a couple of adventuring years is not going to harm you if you choose to move on at some later date. Be aware though that you can never go back to exactly what you had you can only move on to new adventures and incorporate those facets of your life that you treasure in memory now. re the bullying - welcome to Australia! I think the bullying culture is far more pervasive than we would like to think and IMHO getting worse rather than better. The only solution seems to be to change employers and hope you don't jump out of the frying pan and into the fire! Good luck with your decision! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsLZB Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 I agree with what everyone has written, and echo the idea of setting time frames. Having a fixed date of when you stop and look at what you have and how you are doing, and where you go from there. Does your little one show any interest in sports or hobbies? Another good way of meeting people is when the little ones are involved! I wish you all the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Hi I think you've been given some really good advice here, form years of reading these threads I have seen people that have found it difficult to settle whilst the option of going to the UK is still in mind, however the moment they set themselves a time limit and just concentrate on living in Oz they realise that there are things to be experienced here and actually end up settling down. One other thing for you to be aware of, being at home feeling full responsibility for a child you may find depression sneaking up on you slowly. Try to make each day slightly different, every now and again instead of staying at home and having tea and putting the little one to bed, get up and make a picnic and head to the park or the beach. I read an article about the amount of stay at home dads in Oz and so don't be scared to go to a toddler group or other activities for young children, you may find someone in the same situation as yourself that needs as much support as you do. As for your partner, I echo what the others do. I would strongly advise her to look for something else. Life is too short to stay in an unsuitable job, and even if the job has less opportunities, for now whilst you have a young child and are just settling the hours must come first. I am sure with a few small changes you may feel slightly better. Worst case scenario, the UK is always here waiting for you to return but just like settling in Oz, jobs, houses and schools are just as variable as in Oz. Give yourself a year as an opportunity to travel just so you don't go back to the UK and regret making a quick decision. Life can be difficult but it does make us stronger and things change month on month... Please keep popping back and let us know how you get on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahRob198 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Share Posted May 19, 2013 I am truly overwhelmed at the response I have received. I thank everybody for their opinions. I actually don't know where to start with replies, but I have gone through each of the replies and listened to everyone. Without a shadow of a doubt we have had a massive culture shock. Me and my partner, can certainly see why people would love to live here, but now, we can also see why people choose to leave, and go back home. We have sat down for the last 4/5 days discussing every option available, looking through our pro's and con's lists, trying to figure out which makes more sense to do, stay or go? but we find ourselves repeating the same stuff over and over. Without doubt my partners job is a major obstacle, whilst I am actively seeking full time work, she is fighting to stay in her job. We both worry from day to day what would happen if my partner broke down and quit (which she says she won't, but I can see how much her job is effecting her) would she find another job, considering its taking me so long to find one. In our minds, we keep comparing the day to day living, we keep remembering our days off taking our son outside to the trampoline (in the UK), taking him to different places and enjoying ourselves, genuinely enjoying our lives, but again, with a job change over here, will we get that feeling back? but then we keep asking ourselves, even after another 6 months, will our hearts truly be here in Australia? we like the country, but feel like we'd be more at home, at home..... atleast, we think? I am probaby driving you all mad now, I seem to be saying the same thing over and over. Without doubt reading through this is helping us both, and we really appreciate the time you are putting in writing a reply to us, thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simmo Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Its weird isn't it? Australia (on paper) should be utopia with its sun sea and sand, big houses, great outdoors, massive salaries ect..but it just hasn't got that magic ingredient for a lot of people. Answers on a postcard..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simmo Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Just realised how young you are.. Definitely not to old to take a year out buy an old camper and tour Australia hippy style. Australia is an amazing place to travel and has some great natural wonders worth seeing. Then if you decide to return you will have some great memories. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahRob198 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Share Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) Its weird isn't it? Australia (on paper) should be utopia with its sun sea and sand, big houses, great outdoors, massive salaries ect..but it just hasn't got that magic ingredient for a lot of people. Answers on a postcard..... Amen to that. And I really wish I had the money to try something like that Edited May 19, 2013 by SarahRob198 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Just realised how young you are..Definitely not to old to take a year out buy an old camper and tour Australia hippy style. Australia is an amazing place to travel and has some great natural wonders worth seeing. Then if you decide to return you will have some great memories. It takes a certain type of person to do that with a 4 year old in tow - not saying it can't be done, we toured South Africa in a camper van with an 18 month old....at the time though we were considered nuts. In fact a colleague said we should not be allowed to do it for the sake of our child He doesn't remember it of course but i'd like to think that his experiences seeing wildlife in the national parks lives with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest74886 Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Hello everyone, I have taken over my partners account to post a message. Long story short I am 24, my partner is 21, our son is 4. We permanenty moved over to Australia in Jan 2013 (My partners family have already emigrated 5 years ago) so we thought we would give it a go. Before arriving in Australia we were pointing out all the bad things about the UK, the weather, our little flat, we didn't enjoy our jobs especially but didn't hate them, the Chavs! but again we werent too bothered, we often looked ahead and thought Australia will be a hell of alot better. Since being here I can't seem to shake this empty feeling inside, I can't seem to settle down. We got our own place to live, as we were staying with the family at first, we got a car, and jobs. My partner works as an apprentice chef, and unfortunately has split shifts, she no longer has alot of time for us. She has gone from finishing work in the UK at 2pm and spending the rest of the day with friends/family, to working 10am-2/3pm then back in at 5pm-9/10pm. Our son is in nursery from 8am - 4/5pm so she misses him greatly. I only work casually as I have found it very difficult to find full time work. We often wonder if its my partners job that is making us feel this way? and maybe it is, but we honestly think we cannot settle even if she found a different job. We talk about walking to town back in the UK, and casually looking through shops, we think about staying inside when its raining/snowing with the heating on, wrapping up on the sofa with a duvet watching a film, popping round to friends houses for a chat, working with people that actually want to speak to us, ( my partner has been bullied from day one at work ) walking around a Tesco store without feeling out of place (like we do here in a woolworths store) we just seem to miss all the little things, but why did we uproot our lives if nothing was wrong, the saying "if its not broke don't fix it" sticks here. Why I am writing this I don't know. Maybe I am seeking closure that going back home is the correct thing to do, but I know nobody can tell me what will happen in the future, or whats right and wrong. If we go home, I don't have my parents anymore, I lost them both to sudden heart attacks within the last 6 years, so if we go back, we are well and truly on our own, yet we still want to go? WHY DO WE WANT TO GO!? The question I find myself asking every minute of the day. Anyway, I hope this has made sense, and would love to get other peoples opinions or other peoples stories of when they have actually moved back to the UK from Aus and emigrating. Thank you for reading, Mike. Hi Mike Sorry it's feeling like it is for you, my son was a chef down on the GC and he reported very similar circumstances at the restaurant he was at, it seems like it attracts a lot of poor quality people or it maybe that there are a lot of get rich quick merchants paying the minimum or cash in hand work.Generally I think kitchen work outside the better establishments is a lot rougher here than comparable places in the UK from my sons experiences, plus there is lot more sexism. See if there are any options open in Brisbane and employment I think may be better for both of you here. It is going to be very tough for you both in a strange country at the beginning and especially when you are relatively young, I think you have to get the job front sorted to something which is not so exhausting in order to get a different perspective on things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milliem Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Sorry to hear about how your feeling. It is a huge shock moving to a new country. I think all the emotions you're feeling are normal. Some people land and settle straight away, other take a while, and some never settle. I have moved countries a few times but this move has been the toughest. I knew that this time, coming with a teenage son would be a world of difference, and it is. He stated today that Oz is okay but he prefers UK on all counts. Like you I am settled with job, house car etc. have met some nice people but still feeling like I am reeling from it all. The new job demands much longer hours and although my old one in UK wasn't so great, I am extended out of the comfort zone in this one. I think a lot of people go through all the questions you have. I am lucky in that my sister came to Oz before me so have some family. She warned me to be prepared for it to be hard and said at about 18 months in she started to feel really at home in Oz. I think it would be really good for you to meet up with some other people close by; it might help to chat some more with people that have been through the process All the best Millie x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheVet Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Sarahrob198, If you the suffered the same workplace/working hours situation in the UK I suspect you'd clearly see the job was the problem! Let the job go and find another - it's too soon to write off Australia. Make your goal your citizenship with a planned return to the UK at that stage. OOW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acidglitter Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) Sorry to hear how down you are feeling since emigrating, it's a massive change in lifestyle that you have made so you are bound to have a few wobbles, which i believe is only natural. Sometimes i think it's easy to think the grass is greener on the other side, no matter where in the world we are, idealizing a place/life can offer hope and a form of escapism from everyday life, but making the actual change in reality is often very different...:unsure: I read something the other day which i think kind of sums up for me, some of the unusual feelings people might experience when emigrating, it's just distinguishing between what is home sickness and what is a real, genuine desire to return to the UK before deciding to act on it... "When we make a change, it's so easy to interpret our unsettledness as unhappiness, and our unhappiness as the result of having made the wrong decision. Our mental and emotional states fluctuate madly when we make big changes in our lives, and some days we could tight-rope across Manhattan, and other days we are too weary to clean our teeth. This is normal. This is natural. This is change." Hopefully you don't have to make such another big decision so soon? i'd say take some more time before you make any definite decisions, hope things work out for you & your family. Edited May 19, 2013 by Acidglitter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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