Que Sera Sera Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 I guess what I was trying to say (badly) is the flip side of being scared to say the wrong thing is you say nothing, which I beleive is probably worse. Avoiding the Elephant in the room . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 Most people don't know what to say and some avoid you like the plague because of this. It's not because they don't care what you are going through but they are scared of making things worse. Personally I take on board every piece of encouragement as I think if they have gone out of their way to comment it shows they care. Maybe their words aren't perfect but they are usually made with the best interests. The only one I struggle with is when someone is depressed and a friend may tell them to pull their socks up, if it was only that easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest littlesarah Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) Look, ultimately, it's a personal list really, isn't it? I didn't mean to judge anyone - it's hard to know what to say sometimes, and saying nothing seems like you don't care. I think I've suffered from having so many friends with children who use the same social media that I do, and who post lots of detail about everything in their life. That's not their fault, and I accept responsibility for dealing with things how I have to. Perhaps it was arrogant of me to even consider speaking for anyone other than myself, and for that I apologise. Yes, I can be a bit 'harsh' at times - anger and resentment are part of the grieving process, and sometimes I just want to sit and scream. I'm having a hard time at the moment, which I wouldn't usually share. I was wrong to bring that to this forum, and I'm sorry if I have hurt, upset or offended anyone. Edited May 3, 2013 by littlesarah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest littlesarah Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 I guess what I was trying to say (badly) is the flip side of being scared to say the wrong thing is you say nothing, which I beleive is probably worse. Avoiding the Elephant in the room . I agree. And hard though it may be, it should be possible to tell our closest friends if what they say in some way upsets us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noworriesmate Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 I was wrong to bring that to this forum, and I'm sorry if I have hurt, upset or offended anyone. You weren't wrong at all but any topic brought to an internet forum is going to foster debate (which is why it's called a forum). Please don't take it personally that other people have different views. IMO You have started a very good discussion. NWM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 Look, ultimately, it's a personal list really, isn't it? I didn't mean to judge anyone - it's hard to know what to say sometimes, and saying nothing seems like you don't care. I think I've suffered from having so many friends with children who use the same social media that I do, and who post lots of detail about everything in their life. That's not their fault, and I accept responsibility for dealing with things how I have to. Perhaps it was arrogant of me to even consider speaking for anyone other than myself, and for that I apologise. Yes, I can be a bit 'harsh' at times - anger and resentment are part of the grieving process, and sometimes I just want to sit and scream. I'm having a hard time at the moment, which I wouldn't usually share. I was wrong to bring that to this forum, and I'm sorry if I have hurt, upset or offended anyone. no you weren't wrong and I'm sure you've offended no one. The pain hurt and indeed anger radiates out of your original post. Give yourself time my lovely, be kind to yourself , I wish you all the best x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest littlesarah Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 You weren't wrong at all but any topic brought to an internet forum is going to foster debate (which is why it's called a forum). Please don't take it personally that other people have different views. IMO You have started a very good discussion. NWM Thanks NWM, I'm not upset or offended. I'm one of those people that tend to say how they feel quite readily, and I have to keep that in check in order to make sure I don't upset anyone. I've not turned round and challenged anyone who's said the 'wrong' thing on a bad day, and most days I don't even think too much about what is said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skani Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 . I say that you should consider this, not for their benefit, but for your own benefit, because getting angry that people have said the wrong thing to you is not helping your grieving process. I agree with your post, Rupert. However anger is a normal stage of the grieving process...so not surprising. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skani Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 No words are ever going to ease the pain of grief and bereavement. We are all klutzes when trying to deal with this. People who care try to say something which will provide some help and hope. It doesn't make the pain go away... but the fact that they cared enough to try is the important thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) Great thread. I was saying to someone today, when I get to the point of trying, I'm not going to tell anyone yes or no as if I get pregnant I would want to wait until the three months (maybe I'm pessimistic, but like you say 20%). I would rather not have to tell everyone if I miscarried without it being on my terms. I had no choice about telling my in-laws when I was pregnant as I was repeatedly hospitalised with hyperemesis and at one point it looked like I was not going to pull through. Both me and baby survived but it was a close run thing. I never told them about my miscarriage a couple of months before pregnancy. I only told my best friend and my husband as I knew they would both support me. When I lost the baby a couple of weeks later it was awful - the worst physical pain I have ever experienced. The worst thing a doctor said to me was "It wasn't a proper baby, just view it as a late period", thus proving to me why men should never be obstetricians. Edited May 3, 2013 by Incata Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 Also the so called friend who says "i so know what your going through"My so called best friend did this to me, I kindly reminded her that her ectopic which was detected at 7 weeks was nothing compared to what i had just gone through, ( having a baby at 24 weeks, nursing her for two days until she passed away in my arms) and going through a funeral etc which were completely different, She hasn't spoken to me now for almost 12 years!!!! I gave her all the support at the time of her loss i could, but when i was at a loss she reverted it all back to her! This sounds like a dreadful experience but I would not class it as a miscarriage as you had a living child. You lost your child, whom you had come to know and love over the time you had her. Nobody can know, or understand the pain you went through and it sounds like you had a dreadful time. Someone said to me that friends are like parachutes. If they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are that you won't be needing them at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 Pretty much what I think too (about not knowing what to say and that id probably feel better giving a card and maybe chocs) When someone tells me they have lost someone i tend to say something alongside the line of "i cant imagine how you must be feeling". I didnt realise it was a bad thing. Im not really sure what i'll say now, i tend to feel very awkward in these situations. Probably a reason why i should never be a nurse! To me it is not a bad thing to say. When I lost my baby it's exactly what my best friend said to me. She has never been pregnant so could not imagine how it felt and I appreciated her honesty. She also said that she did not know what to say, other than that she was sorry, and she gave me a great big hug and let me cry my eyes out. It is the love that the words are spoken with that matters, not the words themselves. Her focus was comforting me and not her own discomfort. That made the difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 I'm pretty useless at offering support/comfort to people in need.I can give someone a good hug and maybe thats all thats needed?My cousin died today and I have no idea what to say to her family.I think OP,its just people really don't know what to say.I usually am just honest and say "I really dont know what to say,I'm sorry"and then hug that person!(If I know them quite well that is!) Personally I think that is exactly the right approach. Actions speak louder than words and a hug can make all the difference between feeling alone and feeling supported. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 This thread could be adapted for any illness or trauma. The truth is that people don't understand, and you wouldn't want them too. But some people deal with these sorts of things much better than others. We have had people cross the street to avoid us, just because they are uncomfortable with grief. It's probably something we should teach our children, because we could all be better at it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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