Miscarriage: Things Not to Say

[Guest littlesarah]

Given that an estimated 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, every one of us is likely to know someone who has suffered, of who will at some point suffer, pregnancy loss. It's not something most of us talk about much, but if someone should confide in you about their loss, here are some tips to help you to avoid causing hurt and to assist you in articulating your caring and concern.

 

Many of you know that I lost a baby earlier this year, and I've come across some common threads of well-meant but not very helpful words of consolation that a lot of people trot out (the brackets enclose my thoughts), and some of those that were greater help.

 

Things NOT to say:

1. 'It wasn't meant to be' (Well, in that case I'll just stop grieving then!)

2. 'My sister/friend/aunt lost a baby and then went on to have 3 children' (that's really nice for her, but right now I just want to not be dealing with the aftermath of losing this baby, thanks anyway)

3. 'At least you know you can get pregnant' (yes, but getting pregnant is only a tiny part of the process that leads to a healthy baby)

4. 'You'll get pregnant again, just relax and don't even think about it' (As far as I'm aware relaxing has not a great deal to do with conception!)

5. 'I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be' (No, you can't. It's way more painful than you know, and what I need is for you to just acknowledge my loss, not try to imagine your life without the children you have.)

 

It isn't possible to say or do anything to change the situation, but minimising it tends to make the woman feel like you're not taking her grief seriously.

 

Things that ARE helpful:

1. Hearing your friend acknowledge that you lost a baby

2. Asking if there's anything you need

3. Someone asking in a tactful way how you're going some time after your loss

4. Having a friend/colleague/relative who is willing and able to talk about the baby after your loss (be guided by the woman - sometimes it's not something she'll want to talk about, but sometimes it's helpful to think about that little life)

5. Not hearing your friends complain about the less pleasurable aspects of parenthood (trust me, I'd lose a lot of sleep and take a lot of pain if it meant I could change the way things worked out for me)

 

And remember, even if/when the couple end up having a pregnancy that results in a living baby, they will never forget the one they lost.

[Dawny]

Also the so called friend who says "i so know what your going through"

My so called best friend did this to me, I kindly reminded her that her ectopic which was detected at 7 weeks was nothing compared to what i had just gone through, ( having a baby at 24 weeks, nursing her for two days until she passed away in my arms) and going through a funeral etc which were completely different, She hasn't spoken to me now for almost 12 years!!!!

​I gave her all the support at the time of her loss i could, but when i was at a loss she reverted it all back to her!

Edited May 2, 2013 by Dawny

[blossom]

Great thread.

 

I was saying to someone today, when I get to the point of trying, I'm not going to tell anyone yes or no as if I get pregnant I would want to wait until the three months (maybe I'm pessimistic, but like you say 20%). I would rather not have to tell everyone if I miscarried without it being on my terms.

[Que Sera Sera]

So painful obviously for you, but if people are trying to show you some empathy they may not always get the words right, they probably have the best intentions but talking about loss is not always easy for everyone. Also they may well have experienced other loss too.

[Guest littlesarah]

Whilst the risk of loss reduces significantly at 12 weeks, it doesn't ever go down to 0. If I get pregnant again and it lasts longer, I won't be telling anyone - they'll find out when they notice it.

​

I'm probably very pessimistic, because my sister lost a baby at 36 weeks, and another at 14 weeks; but those losses have made it really easy for me to talk to her because she knows how it is, and now has two children.

 

I've received some lovely, kind words of support, including from PiO-ers; and that helped. I used some of those platitudes myself, when talking about my loss, but that's a way of rationalising things and of bringing a conversation to a close when I don't want to talk about it.

 

@Dawny, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. I don't know how it is to lose a baby later in pregnancy, though I'm now familiar with the pain of losing a child. I think when it's fresh and still so raw, it's a little bit helpful to be reminded that women survive such losses, but it still should be about the woman who is dealing with the immediate aftermath.

[Guest littlesarah]

So painful obviously for you, but if people are trying to show you some empathy they may not always get the words right, they probably have the best intentions but talking about loss is not always easy for everyone. Also they may well have experienced other loss too.

 

I'm not meaning to be rude or dismissing anyone's concern or empathy, but I just wanted to point these things out in a forum that isn't only frequented by women who've lost babies.

 

We all have to contend with loss, it's part of life; but I think we have to acknowledge that the loss of anyone we care about is hard, whether that's before they arrived in the world or after some time. It may be due to communication difficulty, but we all need to think carefully about whether the phrase we intend to use as comfort is actually one that minimises the other person's feelings at a time when what they most likely need is validation.

[Dawny]

A loss of any kind is and can be very difficult for those who are going through it, But i do think that those who have never experienced a loss within their family have no real idea as what to say which can be equally as difficult for them, sometimes a nice gesture can mean the same as a 1000 words.

I feel for anyone who goes through a loss of a child, its a complete feel of emptiness that you feel nothing will fill, heartache comes in waves, sadly people think you can just pick up the pieces and get on with it, This is not always the case for everyone.

big ((hugs)) to you littlesarah xx

[Que Sera Sera]

I've had 1,2, and 5 said to me but I didn't find them upsetting I totally understood what they meant however no excuse for 3 & 4, I completely agree ,what upsets one may not upset another though. Me, I'm just glad someone shows they care.

[tonyman]

mrs tonymans best friend in the uk has had miscarriage after miscarriage Just before they were due to begin IVF....fate struck and she became pregnant naturally! They have a gorgeous 5yr old boy. About 2yrs ago (and being 39yrs) she decided she would love another baby. Sadly this was a rough road and they were again beginning to give up hope with disappointing months and two miscarriages. She called Mrs T one night and her cup half full attitude helped to convince her you just never know! Mrs T's best mate had a bouncing baby girl on 29thApr 2013 weighing 71b 4oz!! Not bad for a 41yr old Mrs T reckons What mrs T would like to add though, is that to go through a loss can only be described as unbearable and I (Mrs T) would never be able to comprehend that pain,but please know that any words of advice,support or positive thoughts given as a friend are given with love,said wrongly or seemingly without real consideration are never intentional.We just want to help...in our own muddled way. Anyone close to you losing a loved one is harrowing and so difficult to have any comforting words to say, so we just try our best...don't be too hard on us. I will add too, just as it has brought up some difficult memories for me. My sister in law and I found out we were expecting at the same time (my second and her first) I was thrilled to say the least. To all our heartbreak my sister in law lost her baby at 7weeks.From that day on,she avoided me never asked how I was and basically made me feel incredibly guilty about my healthy pregnancy. Pretty unforgivable and insensitive in my eyes and that pregnancy is now a beautiful 11yr old girl,a whole different thread.Life and loss does strange things to people, lets just try to love and care for the women (and sometimes the men around us,life doesn't come with a handbook x

[Tulip]

You raise some really good points about being sensitive, but I think I might say some of those things you pointed out you shouldn't, and do so quite innocently. It's hardly fair to judge everyone on what they say in a single sentence, you yourself on this thread said 'I don't know how it is to lose...' which is pretty close to what was on your 'What not to say' list? I'm not trying to attack you or anything, and I agree with you, but I personally have never been through that and would be quite at a loss of what to say. I would hate to think someone grieving might be hurt by my words, as it seems a pretty narrow field of what's allowed. Maybe choccies are a better approach if it ever happens to a friend of mine! Safety in choccies!

[Guest51810]

God i feel awkward now, i said one of those things on the list.

[Guest51810]

You raise some really good points about being sensitive, but I think I might say some of those things you pointed out you shouldn't, and do so quite innocently. It's hardly fair to judge everyone on what they say in a single sentence, you yourself on this thread said 'I don't know how it is to lose...' which is pretty close to what was on your 'What not to say' list? I'm not trying to attack you or anything, and I agree with you, but I personally have never been through that and would be quite at a loss of what to say. I would hate to think someone grieving might be hurt by my words, as it seems a pretty narrow field of what's allowed. Maybe choccies are a better approach if it ever happens to a friend of mine! Safety in choccies!

 

Pretty much what I think too (about not knowing what to say and that id probably feel better giving a card and maybe chocs) When someone tells me they have lost someone i tend to say something alongside the line of "i cant imagine how you must be feeling". I didnt realise it was a bad thing. Im not really sure what i'll say now, i tend to feel very awkward in these situations. Probably a reason why i should never be a nurse!

Edited May 2, 2013 by Guest51810

[tea4too]

Oh this is so difficult, because we are all so different and what is an issue for one person will not be for another. Which is why I am cautious about advising on the right and wrong words to use, the appropriate sentiments to express or avoid. We can never ‘feel’ other people’s grief but trying to provide some sense of comfort and understanding is not a bad thing to do. If the words are muddled or fall short, isn’t the sentiment that goes with them at least as important? The alternative is that people avoid saying anything, cross the road to avoid saying the wrong thing, and I think that might be as difficult to deal with. Tx

[Warm but mild]

It's a delicate and awkward enough situation without telling others what they should or should not say. Many are unsure what to say and I feel it's not what you do or don't say, but simply that you are there, as a friend and support.

[Jacaranda]

I'm pretty useless at offering support/comfort to people in need.I can give someone a good hug and maybe thats all thats needed?My cousin died today and I have no idea what to say to her family.I think OP,its just people really don't know what to say.I usually am just honest and say "I really dont know what to say,I'm sorry"and then hug that person!(If I know them quite well that is!)

[Quoll]

Sometimes you just have no idea what the right words are - and all you can do is hope that the feelings come through the blathering. I have a friend who said the best response she got was from a mutual friend who rocked up to the house with a bottle of red and said "well, how deep's the sh*t today?" And opened the bottle - that worked for them, it wouldn't work for everyone! We aren't walking in your shoes but the (((((hugs)))) are heartfelt.

[Quoll]

I'm pretty useless at offering support/comfort to people in need.I can give someone a good hug and maybe thats all thats needed?My cousin died today and I have no idea what to say to her family.I think OP,its just people really don't know what to say.I usually am just honest and say "I really dont know what to say,I'm sorry"and then hug that person!(If I know them quite well that is!)

 

​Oh Melza and (((hugs))) to you too!

[xxlornaxx]

Different words would console different people, when someone is raw with grief no words are right but being there and trying can be enough if the bereaved person isnt looking to critisize your offers of help..the things you shouldn't say are not that bad if they r well intentioned..nothing u say will make it better but for me someone takin the time to sit with me rather than avoid me would mean something to me regardless of how the words came out, no right and no wrong, no two people are the same so if u have said any of the things in the not to say list..if u said it with love and genuine care then I think it's ok..unless your talking to OP as they have clearly told u what doesn't help them as an individual!

[simmo]

I'm pretty useless at offering support/comfort to people in need.I can give someone a good hug and maybe thats all thats needed?My cousin died today and I have no idea what to say to her family.I think OP,its just people really don't know what to say.I usually am just honest and say "I really dont know what to say,I'm sorry"and then hug that person!(If I know them quite well that is!)

 

I'm the same, I find it difficult expressing myself in words. I have a friend thats going through a tough period in her life lately and i get so frustrated with myself when i write messages on her FB page then think its the wrong words then write something else then delete it........then i see other who just know instinctively what the right thing to say is and i think "why couldn't i have written that.."

I;m sure the OP had the best intentions by starting this thread but I think its a little unfair on some people who meant well but just didn't say the words she needed to hear at the time.

[Jacaranda]

​Oh Melza and (((hugs))) to you too!

Thanks Quoll,did'nt mean to detract from OP's thread but I am useless trying to find the right words.I even googled once to see if I could find something to say that did'nt sound silly!lol

[BritChickx]

God i feel awkward now, i said one of those things on the list.

Me too... I've never lost anyone ever, and I never know what to say to people who have, normally I just end up saying something completely random to try and cheer them up instead of pretending i know but i have said silly stuff before! Don't think any of my friends have hated me for it tho, they know i have foot in mouth syndrome sometimes lol.

[midwife2005]

Also the so called friend who says "i so know what your going through"

My so called best friend did this to me, I kindly reminded her that her ectopic which was detected at 7 weeks was nothing compared to what i had just gone through, ( having a baby at 24 weeks, nursing her for two days until she passed away in my arms) and going through a funeral etc which were completely different, She hasn't spoken to me now for almost 12 years!!!!

​I gave her all the support at the time of her loss i could, but when i was at a loss she reverted it all back to her!

 

 

I have seen many women grieve over their lost little ones. A woman can be just as devastated over the loss of an 8 week pregnancy as woman who has gone to term and lost her baby. At the end of the day it is that woman's baby, her child and everything she hoped for has gone. Obviously what you experienced was devastating for you, but what your friend experienced was probably just as devastating to her.

[Rupert]

Given that an estimated 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, every one of us is likely to know someone who has suffered, of who will at some point suffer, pregnancy loss. It's not something most of us talk about much, but if someone should confide in you about their loss, here are some tips to help you to avoid causing hurt and to assist you in articulating your caring and concern.

 

Many of you know that I lost a baby earlier this year, and I've come across some common threads of well-meant but not very helpful words of consolation that a lot of people trot out (the brackets enclose my thoughts), and some of those that were greater help.

 

Things NOT to say:

1. 'It wasn't meant to be' (Well, in that case I'll just stop grieving then!)

2. 'My sister/friend/aunt lost a baby and then went on to have 3 children' (that's really nice for her, but right now I just want to not be dealing with the aftermath of losing this baby, thanks anyway)

3. 'At least you know you can get pregnant' (yes, but getting pregnant is only a tiny part of the process that leads to a healthy baby)

4. 'You'll get pregnant again, just relax and don't even think about it' (As far as I'm aware relaxing has not a great deal to do with conception!)

5. 'I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be' (No, you can't. It's way more painful than you know, and what I need is for you to just acknowledge my loss, not try to imagine your life without the children you have.)

 

It isn't possible to say or do anything to change the situation, but minimising it tends to make the woman feel like you're not taking her grief seriously.

 

Things that ARE helpful:

1. Hearing your friend acknowledge that you lost a baby

2. Asking if there's anything you need

3. Someone asking in a tactful way how you're going some time after your loss

4. Having a friend/colleague/relative who is willing and able to talk about the baby after your loss (be guided by the woman - sometimes it's not something she'll want to talk about, but sometimes it's helpful to think about that little life)

5. Not hearing your friends complain about the less pleasurable aspects of parenthood (trust me, I'd lose a lot of sleep and take a lot of pain if it meant I could change the way things worked out for me)

 

And remember, even if/when the couple end up having a pregnancy that results in a living baby, they will never forget the one they lost.

 

That is a very interesting post and something that it is useful to get the perspective of, because likely we will all have or will have to deal with the situation at some time.

 

But I think you are also being a bit hard on people too, especially point 5 seems harsh and maybe you also need to consider that not everyone does instinctively know what is the right thing to say, in fact few people do. I say that you should consider this, not for their benefit, but for your own benefit, because getting angry that people have said the wrong thing to you is not helping your grieving process. People are not perfect, they do not always have the perfect answer to everything, but they have said something to try to make you feel better and it is only because they care and have good intentions.

[noworriesmate]

In my experience it can also depend WHO says it. If you know the person well then often their words can be of comfort but the same words spoken by say a work Colleague or an acquaintance can grate. It is said that 80% of communication is done through non-verbal communication so someone who is crying with a person and there for them might say one of the things on the list and it wouldn't matter but someone who says it over the internet or phone may also seem callous.

 

​NWM

[LKC]

I think the only really hurtful thing that anyone said to me when I lost my first was the receptionist at the doctors who said "oh, well you were only a little bit pregnant". Many of my friends and colleagues said the things that are on both of your lists, but because I knew that they were saying them with genuine love and concern, it never occurred to me that they were the wrong thing to say. Although 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, many women have multiple losses and many women have none, it isn't necessarily that 20% of women have a miscarriage. So it is possible that people may not know anyone close who has been through it. In my circle of friends I know of only one other.

 

It is very hard for people to understand how it feels. I think you grieve for the things you won't have, rather than things you have had. I think this can be very hard for people to understand. When I lost my dad there was an element of being sad that he would miss certain parts of my life, but the majority of my grief was focused on the past. I missed him as a person because he had been a huge part of my life. With my first miscarriage it was more about what could have been. My second was very early and that was different again, because I went from a positive test, to a loss within a few days. I hadn't had time to have all those dreams.