Successes

[Harpodom]

What attributes do you think are required to really 'fit in' as a 'new chum' in Aus?

[Guest The Pom Queen]

I don't know Dom, Rob and myself have always been loners and don't really have friends so I suppose that helps.

[Dawny]

Not sure of the answer to be honest, however in the short time we were in oz we became friends with a few of the neighbours lol, basically down to having mad kids, enjoying the bbq feasts and being able to keep up with them drinking all seemed to help..we are still in touch with them now :cute:

[Sapphire]

We havent made any friends in 5 years here.We really tried to begin with.

We had a great network of friends in the UK, but here, they seem to be only interested in what we can do for them, or what they can get out of us.They picked us up and put us down,when it suited.Someone would seem really friendly and then in the next breath, they could barely be bothered to speak to you, it was as if we had done something wrong (which we hadent), then the next month, they would be all over you.Really odd!!! Not sure if its just because we are in Tas, and they are all a bit odd.

Plus we are not drinkers or Gamblers , so I think thats another reason,why we dont fit in, as thats the culture in Tas.

We are total loners now, and just do our own thing, and dont bother with anyone.

Our friends at home, can not believe we havent made any friends here,knowing us as they do.

[Guest]

I think in the first instance you've got to really want to make the move. If you're wavering even a little, or a bit ambivalent about the move then it probably won't last long-term. That said, does it have to be 'forever?'. I think there's a danger in thinking "Oh well, we're here now - for good" and seeing returning or even ping-ponging as 'failure.' I really don't see it that way. I think living overseas can be what suits you at a certain time in your life and then that time passes and your thoughts drift towards home. Seeing it solely as a 'forever' option heaps pressure on you.

 

Otherwise;

 

I think being able to be quite single-minded about your objectives.

Being a little bit aloof or distant even from family and friends back home.

Having a high boredom threshold.

Being into the great outdoors and embracing minority sports.

High tolerance of relative mediocrity being sold to you as being 'unique.'

Being able to adopt a blandly cheerful demeanour when routinely asked "How are you today?" - That's the way.

Knowing when to tell the locals and other Brits what they want / expect to hear;

"Yes, it's a beautiful day isn't it?"

"No, we never got chances to do this in the UK."

"It's so much better for the kids."

etc.

Affecting an interest in Australian telly and popular culture - "Did you see 'The Block' last night, it was awesome!"

Never, ever, complaining about the weather.

[Harpodom]

I think in the first instance you've got to really want to make the move. If you're wavering even a little, or a bit ambivalent about the move then it probably won't last long-term. That said, does it have to be 'forever?'. I think there's a danger in thinking "Oh well, we're here now - for good" and seeing returning or even ping-ponging as 'failure.' I really don't see it that way. I think living overseas can be what suits you at a certain time in your life and then that time passes and your thoughts drift towards home. Seeing it solely as a 'forever' option heaps pressure on you.

 

Otherwise;

 

I think being able to be quite single-minded about your objectives.

Being a little bit aloof or distant even from family and friends back home.

Having a high boredom threshold.

Being into the great outdoors and embracing minority sports.

High tolerance of relative mediocrity being sold to you as being 'unique.'

Being able to adopt a blandly cheerful demeanour when routinely asked "How are you today?" - That's the way.

Knowing when to tell the locals and other Brits what they want / expect to hear;

"Yes, it's a beautiful day isn't it?"

"No, we never got chances to do this in the UK."

"It's so much better for the kids."

etc.

Affecting an interest in Australian telly and popular culture - "Did you see 'The Block' last night, it was awesome!"

Never, ever, complaining about the weather.

 

agree with the highlighted bits EW

 

I'll add in:

 

selfish and able to skillfully/effortlessly delude yourself and others that you're doing this as a selfless act of sacrifice for the sake of your children

firmly entrenched right wing political views in relation to (ironically) immigration

the belief that Britain has completely gone to the dogs, a side effect of reading the Daily Mail every day

having served in the armed forces or at least having pretensions to being of the right calibre to do so.

easily entertained: all you need is decking + pool + BBQ + heat + mozzies for a happy slow metaphysical death

[Quoll]

I do think a lobotomy helps!

 

seriously, I have no idea! Moving from an absolute slum is probably a factor - the one person of my acquaintance who loves Australia and would never think of moving came from Manchester and loves the heat! Most of the others I know who would move on if they could (but can't) are more Home Counties/South West.

 

Australia has turned me even more into a loner as well - always slightly introverted I was very uncomfortable with the superficiality of "friendships" and I was never one to hang out at the club feeding the pokies and small talk at barbies over snags and grog ..... well, I'm more likely to want to gouge out both my eyes with a butter knife!

[RoseBrown1972]

We havent made any friends in 5 years here.We really tried to begin with.

We had a great network of friends in the UK, but here, they seem to be only interested in what we can do for them, or what they can get out of us.They picked us up and put us down,when it suited.Someone would seem really friendly and then in the next breath, they could barely be bothered to speak to you, it was as if we had done something wrong (which we hadent), then the next month, they would be all over you.Really odd!!! Not sure if its just because we are in Tas, and they are all a bit odd.

Plus we are not drinkers or Gamblers , so I think thats another reason,why we dont fit in, as thats the culture in Tas.

We are total loners now, and just do our own thing, and dont bother with anyone.

Our friends at home, can not believe we havent made any friends here,knowing us as they do.

 

We have had this experience too! Not just Tas we're in WA! I questioned one couple after it all reached a head, i got told that because we do things as a couple just ourselves, eg like go the pictures and not always ask them it meant we didn't want to do anything with them! What a load of rubbish!

 

I now expect nothing of my friends here, they come and go, we do what suits us not them, stopped feeding perth with lots of bbqs that we never got return invites to! We're saving to go home so focus is on that, it does make me nervous of new friendships as i feel the need to explain why depite having good jobs we live cheaply

[Guest]

Never whinging about anything!

 

Seriously I really don't know but we have had the same experience, we had moved many times in the UK and always made good friends, even in Scotland where we worried we would have problems because we were English.

 

I wonder if the Australian concept of a 'friend' is quite different, when I was explaining to my boss why we wanted to leave he asked if we had made friends and I said not, then fearing I sounded completely sad, I said we have people we have dinner parties with and go to BBQ's with etc. and he looked at me as if I was weird and said 'well you have friends then' to me friendship is much more than that. When we were going away recently I needed someone to feed our cat and I felt like I had no-one I could ask - I have never ever had that problem before! In the end I put a facebook post and someone did come forward very willingly but there was no-one I felt close enough to to phone up and say 'can you do me a favour?'. I call a friend someone who has my spare key and lets themselves in and put the kettle on without asking or always has herbal tea bags in their cupboard because they know it's all I drink.

 

Maybe it is a social class/age/phase thing but one of the things I've found here is that everyone socialises as a family - I don't think I've had a single 'girls night out' or mums and kids day out and my OH isn't much into meeting up with other families on mass. If I go on my own I feel awkward without him and if I drag him along he isn't sociable and I feel awkward anyway.

 

Freinds is one of things we're going back for - we're realistic that the friends we had may have moved on in the five years we've been away (though our last trip back suggests we'll slip back in easily) but we think we'd make new friends much more easily in the UK anyway.

 

I (seriously) plan to do some research (I may ask some of you to volunteer!) to try and find out the differences between people who succeed in migration and those that don't with the idea of developing tools that will enable people to risk assess their move. It'll take some time as I plan to do a longitudinal study (a kind of migrants 7up!). I will finally get to combine my two loves psychology (my degree) and IT (my profession)!

 

Jules

[Guest chris955]

Again I have a different perspective as I grew up in Australia, spent most of my life there and to a degree consider it 'home'. The biggest problem with Australia is the insecurity and the massive chip on the shoulder, Aussies are always looking for validation and praise and if you are prepared to kiss enough bums I think you will do well. I would always say it as I saw it and many dont like that if it isnt what they want to hear. The ones that get on seem to tow the line and tell them what they want to hear.

[Perthbum]

Who cares, just find a place full of poms..

[paul1977]

What attributes do you think are required to really 'fit in' as a 'new chum' in Aus?

A low IQ.....!

[Quoll]

I (seriously) plan to do some research (I may ask some of you to volunteer!) to try and find out the differences between people who succeed in migration and those that don't with the idea of developing tools that will enable people to risk assess their move. It'll take some time as I plan to do a longitudinal study (a kind of migrants 7up!). I will finally get to combine my two loves psychology (my degree) and IT (my profession)!

 

Jules

 

Jules there was a study done a couple of years ago - some of us took part in surveys and I had a quite long correspondence with the researcher but my contact with her sort of disappeared into the ether and though she promised a copy of the outcome of the study it didnt eventuate. I will have a look and see if I can find her contact or even the uni she was at (Charles Sturt rings a bell) and that might give you some groundwork. I think it is a fascinating subject and would need to be very long term to see if there are changing trends - some of us loved it initially and to all intents and purposes "succeeded" but as time went on changed our views so who knows. What is success after all? Is success developmentally relative? Interestingly, one thing I really believe and I know not many will agree with me is that Skype/FB/Twitter are the tools of the devil for new migrants. I think it was much easier back in the day when you came, sent the occasional aerogramme, maybe called for 3 minutes on a birthday rather than this continual picking at the scab of the life left behind. You just had to get on with it without the constant reminder of what you were missing - so much simpler!

[Harpodom]

Jules there was a study done a couple of years ago - some of us took part in surveys and I had a quite long correspondence with the researcher but my contact with her sort of disappeared into the ether and though she promised a copy of the outcome of the study it didnt eventuate. I will have a look and see if I can find her contact or even the uni she was at (Charles Sturt rings a bell) and that might give you some groundwork. I think it is a fascinating subject and would need to be very long term to see if there are changing trends - some of us loved it initially and to all intents and purposes "succeeded" but as time went on changed our views so who knows. What is success after all? Is success developmentally relative? Interestingly, one thing I really believe and I know not many will agree with me is that Skype/FB/Twitter are the tools of the devil for new migrants. I think it was much easier back in the day when you came, sent the occasional aerogramme, maybe called for 3 minutes on a birthday rather than this continual picking at the scab of the life left behind. You just had to get on with it without the constant reminder of what you were missing - so much simpler!

Totally agree quoll.

 

I'm lucky that my parents are IT incompetent, arranging a skype call is a rather painful frustrating affair, especially for them, which means we hardly do it, maybe once or twice a year. I have met people who have come over and are on the phone their mam/sister every day. Now that cant be healthy

[Guest]

 

Jules there was a study done a couple of years ago - some of us took part in surveys and I had a quite long correspondence with the researcher but my contact with her sort of disappeared into the ether and though she promised a copy of the outcome of the study it didnt eventuate. I will have a look and see if I can find her contact or even the uni she was at (Charles Sturt rings a bell) and that might give you some groundwork. I think it is a fascinating subject and would need to be very long term to see if there are changing trends - some of us loved it initially and to all intents and purposes "succeeded" but as time went on changed our views so who knows. What is success after all? Is success developmentally relative? Interestingly, one thing I really believe and I know not many will agree with me is that Skype/FB/Twitter are the tools of the devil for new migrants. I think it was much easier back in the day when you came, sent the occasional aerogramme, maybe called for 3 minutes on a birthday rather than this continual picking at the scab of the life left behind. You just had to get on with it without the constant reminder of what you were missing - so much simpler!

Sadly, I think this is so true. Technology may shrink the world, but ultimately for the homesick ex-pat it acts as a tease, a vicarious reminder of what you used to have. You're almost there....but you're not. All this stuff is going on in the lives of friends and family (much of it humdrum, but then, so much of the important stuff in life is) but you're on the outside looking in. Harpo once described listening to 5-Live online as feeling like voyeurism, like a window onto a world you just can't get to, and I can absolutely see what he means. If there are such things as ghosts, then maybe this is how they feel!:smile:

[Guest]

And for those of us that can afford the trips home - it's not a bad thing but if we hadn't gone back in July (our 3rd time in 4 years) then i am pretty sure we wouldn't be moving back now. My parents emigrated to South Africa in the 1960's, their parents didn't even have phones and no way would there be trips home - it took us 3 weeks to get there by boat. Mind you they didn't settle either and moved back a year later LOL. Sadly all their warnings about 'it's the same life in the sun' had no affect on our decision and they were so right - equally thankfully they are wonderful people who supported our decision to go and haven't said 'I told you so' once.

 

Interesting variables for my study...number of phone calls home per week and frequency of visits home!

[Guest]

Jules there was a study done a couple of years ago - some of us took part in surveys and I had a quite long correspondence with the researcher but my contact with her sort of disappeared into the ether and though she promised a copy of the outcome of the study it didnt eventuate. I will have a look and see if I can find her contact or even the uni she was at (Charles Sturt rings a bell) and that might give you some groundwork. I think it is a fascinating subject and would need to be very long term to see if there are changing trends - some of us loved it initially and to all intents and purposes "succeeded" but as time went on changed our views so who knows. What is success after all? Is success developmentally relative? Interestingly, one thing I really believe and I know not many will agree with me is that Skype/FB/Twitter are the tools of the devil for new migrants. I think it was much easier back in the day when you came, sent the occasional aerogramme, maybe called for 3 minutes on a birthday rather than this continual picking at the scab of the life left behind. You just had to get on with it without the constant reminder of what you were missing - so much simpler!

 

Ooh thanks! It is just a notion in my head at the moment - the idea is to do serious research but publish it as a popularist book, maybe do the initial research over 5 years with a follow-up at 10 years and 15 years - I don't know I obviously will need to put some thought into it. I am looking at doing something primarily quantitative and identify and statistically significant differences but make it interesting and readable with 'Case Studies' - maybe you can contribute a chapter on coping techniques!

[Perthbum]

Never whinging about anything!

 

Seriously I really don't know but we have had the same experience, we had moved many times in the UK and always made good friends, even in Scotland where we worried we would have problems because we were English.

 

I wonder if the Australian concept of a 'friend' is quite different, when I was explaining to my boss why we wanted to leave he asked if we had made friends and I said not, then fearing I sounded completely sad, I said we have people we have dinner parties with and go to BBQ's with etc. and he looked at me as if I was weird and said 'well you have friends then' to me friendship is much more than that. When we were going away recently I needed someone to feed our cat and I felt like I had no-one I could ask - I have never ever had that problem before! In the end I put a facebook post and someone did come forward very willingly but there was no-one I felt close enough to to phone up and say 'can you do me a favour?'. I call a friend someone who has my spare key and lets themselves in and put the kettle on without asking or always has herbal tea bags in their cupboard because they know it's all I drink.

 

Maybe it is a social class/age/phase thing but one of the things I've found here is that everyone socialises as a family - I don't think I've had a single 'girls night out' or mums and kids day out and my OH isn't much into meeting up with other families on mass. If I go on my own I feel awkward without him and if I drag him along he isn't sociable and I feel awkward anyway.

 

Freinds is one of things we're going back for - we're realistic that the friends we had may have moved on in the five years we've been away (though our last trip back suggests we'll slip back in easily) but we think we'd make new friends much more easily in the UK anyway.

 

I (seriously) plan to do some research (I may ask some of you to volunteer!) to try and find out the differences between people who succeed in migration and those that don't with the idea of developing tools that will enable people to risk assess their move. It'll take some time as I plan to do a longitudinal study (a kind of migrants 7up!). I will finally get to combine my two loves psychology (my degree) and IT (my profession)!

 

Jules

This hits the nail on the head, I just don't find Aussies as open or friendly as Brits, I can start a conversation with someone I don't knw who has just walked in the pub, I just find Brits mor relaxed and easy going.

[LojaChica]

I don't think the "Skype" thing is healthy!

 

Damned if I do.........Damned if I don't really............

 

I tend to avoid it because when I steel myself to do it I enjoy the chat but then my Daughters cry when they say Goodbye and I come off and feel homesick for THEM (not the UK) ......and cry........ all over again?

 

BUT neither is it healthy to avoid all contact

[Guest]

To be honest I've never bothered with Skype - I find it hard enough fitting in phone calls and it's so cheap to call that the fact Skype is free isn't really relevant. I have a $10 a month international plan and never use all of it. I only call my parents, my friends I keep in touch with mainly through facebook and then email for the very private stuff. The time difference makes it almost impossible to find a good time to call friends, we're all busy! I must admit it has been harder than I thought it would be, a very close friend who I already lived 400 miles from in the UK assured me it wouldn't really make any difference whether I was 400 miles away or 10,000 but in practice there's virtually no time that we are both awake and not at work - basically weekends are the only possibility and we're both out and about with our families. I think occasional Skype's with my parents and my son might have been nice bit they couldn't get set up at their end (in their 80s) and we've been back each year, send photo's etc. so they are 'seeing' him grow.

[mygirlies]

Wow reading this I am no longer alone!!!!

 

I think Australian's have a different definition of friendship and how it works.

 

I too am a longer. I have my daughter (who has special needs) who can not talk and that is it...Adult (and child) conversation is minimal!!

 

I have made many friends along the way that all are what has been mentioned above hence why we are no longer friends.

[Jacaranda]

Must love AFL,and be prepared to discuss it whatever time of year it is

Support any Aussie sports team,cricket etc

Love burnt snags and any other cremated meat offering from the BBQ

Drink copious amounts of nats p***,Err I mean lager

Love going on holiday within Australia,preferably camping and going out bush

Swear like a trooper

If a guy,wear jeans with a flannel shirt/Women:Tracky daks with some old daggy t shirt

Must love Holdens,or ride a Harley and look the part,big beard with leather vest/jacket

Must love chicken salt on chips

Know all the specials that Big W are advertising

and when the temp hits over 35c,say to anybody asking,"Yeah its gonna be a bloody ripper mate"lol

[Guest guest74886]

We havent made any friends in 5 years here.We really tried to begin with.

We had a great network of friends in the UK, but here, they seem to be only interested in what we can do for them, or what they can get out of us.They picked us up and put us down,when it suited.Someone would seem really friendly and then in the next breath, they could barely be bothered to speak to you, it was as if we had done something wrong (which we hadent), then the next month, they would be all over you.Really odd!!! Not sure if its just because we are in Tas, and they are all a bit odd.

Plus we are not drinkers or Gamblers , so I think thats another reason,why we dont fit in, as thats the culture in Tas.

We are total loners now, and just do our own thing, and dont bother with anyone.

Our friends at home, can not believe we havent made any friends here,knowing us as they do.

 

What do you mean that's the culture in Tassie, that is culture for the whole continent.

[Chortlepuss]

stopped feeding perth with lots of bbqs that we never got return invites to!

 

Now that's an interesting observation.... I know that when you organise a party/BBQ, you shouldn't expect people to reciprocate (although secretly I do), but British people tend to.... In the UK we had a sort of 'round robin' of get togethers in our friendship group - everyone did a turn to host the party and all that brings, with people piling in to help. I have hosted tens of events here, and Brits are the only one's that invite us back. I assumed it was that Australian people didn't like us, but that wasn't always the case - it never stopped them coming again when invited again... I went to a POM's (huge) Xmas party once and she told me that people in her street expected her to host it every year - no one ever considered hosting it and inviting them over, so in the end she gave up having it.

BTW Has anyone gone to an Ozzie BBQ where people bring their own drinks/food in an esky and retain it for their personal use ? Am I alone in finding this really weird?

[Sapphire]

Now that's an interesting observation.... I know that when you organise a party/BBQ, you shouldn't expect people to reciprocate (although secretly I do), but British people tend to.... In the UK we had a sort of 'round robin' of get togethers in our friendship group - everyone did a turn to host the party and all that brings, with people piling in to help. I have hosted tens of events here, and Brits are the only one's that invite us back. I assumed it was that Australian people didn't like us, but that wasn't always the case - it never stopped them coming again when invited again... I went to a POM's (huge) Xmas party once and she told me that people in her street expected her to host it every year - no one ever considered hosting it and inviting them over, so in the end she gave up having it.

BTW Has anyone gone to an Ozzie BBQ where people bring their own drinks/food in an esky and retain it for their personal use ? Am I alone in finding this really weird?

 

No you are not alone, we found that weird.And then they take whatever they have left home with them at the end of the night!!!!

When we visted friends back home, we always took some beer and a bottle of wine, and some chocs or flowers for the host/ hostess, and anyone coming to ours always did the same. The first time we went to someones house, here, I did just that,and wow, did I feel a lemon and get some strange looks:)

We invited some neighbours round for a meal once,I cooked a lovely Roast.About an hour before they arrived the neighbours texted, to ask if they could bring thier daughter,,,,,,,,,the daughter lived the other side of town, and is in her 20's,and obviously Mum had invited her up for a free feed.Luckily I had enough,but I was a bit shocked by the cheek of it,I wouldent of ever dreamt of doing that.Funny now, but I was pretty miffed at the time.