sioban Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Hi siobhan. First of all im really sorry to hear that - but good for you for not going back there. Going by what your saying he doesnt sound worth it. I dont think its unreasonable to want some money. If he doesnt play ball then do it through the authorities. Hopefully theres a few people on here that can help you better than i can Best of luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I'd check out my local Women's Services and get some face to face advice from them. Not sure how long you have been in Australia but your entitlements to various benefits may be restricted if it is less than 104 weeks but you can certainly access their social work service for advice. Good luck with your next step - forewarned is forearmed I reckon but it sounds like amicable separation probably isnt going to be on the cards for you. So sorry it has all gone pear shaped for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 What I would do may not be what is best suited for you. Firstly I would withdraw all the money in the bank accounts, get yourself a new rental, take all the furniture with you, change the kids schools, get a pay as you go number, write him a letter telling him the number is so he can arrange contact to see his children. Then go and see Centrelink, I presume you are already claiming family benefit, you should also be able to claim housing allowance. Im really sorry he has done this :hug: but look at it as a new year, new start. :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellers and Whitehead Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I would suggest legal advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 First of all I am very sorry that this has happened to you. I won't comment on whether you should try and stay together or not ( though his behaviour and control sound awful), but I can give you some practical advice. If you want to continue to claim family assistance and you have split up, then you will definitely need to ask for an assessment through the CSA ( child support agency). They will determine how much child support that you should receive each week. If things are amicable between you then he can pay that privately to you. If not , or if he does not pay, then the CSA can ask him to pay them each month and they will then send the money to you. In theory this is what should happen, but I have survived for years without child support as my ex has rorted the system at every turn not to pay anything.It's been very hard ( he is an Aussie), but I have brought the children up without help and in my case I escaped from domestic violence. However, you are an equal partner and you are allowed and entitled to ask for money towards the children. Don't feel bad about that. I suggest that you do seek some legal advice ( legal aid will give you free or minimal cost advice over the phone). You should not have to beg for money in any way. Just because your husband earns the 'big' dollars or because he got you all over on the basis of his occupation does not make you any less worthy than him! You made the move too and it is an amazing accomplishment for anybody to move the other side of the world with a young family. Please feel free to pm me if you like. Sam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surf N Turf Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 What I would do may not be what is best suited for you.Firstly I would withdraw all the money in the bank accounts, get yourself a new rental, take all the furniture with you, change the kids schools, get a pay as you go number, write him a letter telling him the number is so he can arrange contact to see his children. Then go and see Centrelink, I presume you are already claiming family benefit, you should also be able to claim housing allowance. Im really sorry he has done this :hug: but look at it as a new year, new start. :hug: I'm with Kate. I know too many woman who have tried to 'do the right thing' and not left with any assets only to bitterly regret this decision when their ex refuses to contribute sufficiently and they and their children suffer. Just because the money came in the form of his pay does not make it exclusively his. As you say, you enabled him to be out there earning. What proportion you take is up to you but I don't think it's wise to consider it his. You definately have the right to some sort of living allowance. It's not right to treat you like a child who needs to ask and justify every purchase. Even if you feel strong right now, given that you are a long way from home, I'd recommend setting up some counselling to support you in making the transition. You may well qualify for a mental health care plan through your GP and they will be able to recommend someone. It doesn't make you mentally ill, it'll just provide a good sounding board for you as you move forward. All the very best Sioban. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I would seek expert legal advice from a family law specialist before I did anything else. As far as money at the moment goes - I would expect him to continue to pay for anything he has traditionally paid for until he moved out (because I sure as hell wouldn't be moving - he would be). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tickled Pink Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I would move half the money into a savings account of your own ASAP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blossom Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I would move half the money into a savings account of your own ASAP. Same. Let him fight you to get it back rather than you left with nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milliem Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I would also move the money before doing anything else. So sorry this has happened to you. I know you want to do the right thing by him but in reality you have to protect your kids and make sure they are considered first. He will understand this as it seems he does take some interest in them. You are not being selfish, when emotions are tense some financial stability really helps. This will give you some breathing space whilst you take legal advice on how you should settle with him. You sound very level headed and I am sure you will decide what is best. Be kind to yourself too though and ask for help when you need it. All the best :hug: Millie x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali B Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I would get immediate legal advice. I have seen too many girlfriends in a similar situation, believing they could amicably come to a "private arrangement" and get severely burnt. You need to do whatever you can to ease and protect you childrens' wellbeing through this and keep yourself strong and financially bouyant. Many couples see only what the wage earner "puts in" ie your partner's salary from the mines. Believe me you have put in too in time, emotion, care, nuturing over and over again and it may not come up as a credit balance in the bank but it's priceless. finally, i dont see anything trustworthy or amicable about a person who says he hates his childrens' mother's guts ... Be wary of trusting him. I wish you the very very best. Stay strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kapri Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I will echo what others have said. He has behaved appallingly and I don't think I would trust him to do the right thing. It's not "his" money. It belongs to both of you. I would put half of it in your own savings account asap before he decides to take it, and perhaps a bit extra as well if you will have main care of the children. Leave him the rest so that he can pay a deposit on a new place. Why should you move? Good luck whatever you decide to do x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest26012 Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 First of all, he sounds like a complete waste of time but I'm not walking in your shoes so I won't dwell on him! Officially, you are a couple so you are entitled to money to look after you and the kids. I would pack his stuff and not let him back home. You have to keep a roof over you and the kids and that's not unreasonable! I'm not sure of the legalities and for that, I would seek legal advice. Just look after yourself because this can't be easy for you. :hug: X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fizzybangs Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Legal aid may not help you because of your income. However, there should be a community legal centre in your area for fee legal advice or they can point you in the right direction. Failing that go to Centrelink and ask their advice. Some solicitors will also give you one appointment free of charge. If it gets to the point of divorce the Family Court of Australia will insist on counselling sessions for the sake of your children to try and ensure there is no trouble during access visits etc and to try and make things more amicable for the children's sake. Usually you would apply for custody of the children on grounds of separation and you would need a solicitor for that and access arrangements would be arranged and agreed and you will be asked about financial matters and maintenance payments. I did it privately - big mistake as I never got a penny. I took him to court and won and he still didn't pay! I should have gone through the Child Support Agency! You certainly need legal advice but you will find much of that basic advice on the web - try looking up the Family Court of Australia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sioban Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Thanks for all the advice - I have been called names by him, belittled and basically pushed to the brink and know 100% that I do not want to be with him. I was doing well before I met him and owned a house, a flat that I rented out, new car and good job - he was living with his mum having returned from working abroad. I gave up my job to care for our children - which he wanted me to do and have constantly been told that I am lazy despite always working part time around the kids, doing everything around the house and pampering to his every whim. I do not trust him and he has told me that I will not cope here, will run out of money and when I end up on the street he will take the kids! I managed to have a good life before him and know that I will not be the 1st to have to cope with being a single parent on a budget - pretty much am in that situation at the moment anyway as I have to account for everything I spend. I have moved to the other side of the world and got on just fine so know everything will work out ok. I will take legal advice and know that I could clear out the account if I wanted too - as could he but I really do want an easy life. I actually seriously thought of handing him my bank cards the other day and telling him to get to as he had phoned shouting that "his money" had gone from his account - when I checked all the withdrawals had actually been made by him bar one which I had told him about, still waiting for an apology for the way he spoke to me. This sounds shockingly familiar - I am sad to hear this. My ex ( an Australian) used to threaten me that if we ever split up that he would have the children and that I would be kicked out of the country because I was English. Of course now I know that this would not have happened, but at the time I was lonely, isolated and he broke me - I believed him.I thought that I would lose my baby and toddler and never see them again. As an educated woman I look back on that and wonder how I believed it, but I did - living in an isolated outback town with no family support. I was a stay at home Mum and he used to tell me I was scum, that I was bludging off him and that everyone hated me. It was cycle of abuse that I now know happens to many. Before I met him I lived int the US and was confident and had a wide circle of friends. By the end of the relationship when I had the courage to finally leave I was a shadow of my former self. I was also told that I would not cope without him ( by him). The reason I am telling you this is simply because when a partner ( male or female) makes these sorts of threats and tries to belittle their partner, that it is a control issue - the problem lies with them and not you!!! Do not believe him when he says that you will not cope - you will cope and you are an individual that deserves and should expect love and respect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maruska Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I would also seek a legal advice right away. Don`t know about Australia but if you take the kids and move out in the US ( without letting him know first), he can accuse you of kidnapping and you will have a hard time if he decided to fight for custody . Hope this gets sorted soon for you:hug:. You`ve already made the biggest step of all - realizing that you want out of an abusive relationship . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sioban Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Before you do anything withdraw the money from those accounts It's not his money it's half yours regardless who earned it. Please speak with a solicitor you need sound did Australian family law advise. Good luck my lovely, it's a bloody awful time you have ahead but you will get through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
russ and claire Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 No advice, just wanted to send you lots of ((hugs)) hope you can get things sorted quickly. Claire Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sioban Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I will take the advice but really don't want to be a total bitch and withdraw any money, it's not in my nature and all my friends and family know it. I want to play fair, if at the end of the day he doesn't then he is the one who will live with it. I want my kids grandparents and his family to be able to visit and not have any animosity, they have done nothing wrong and should be able to visit my kids. I just want an easy life - but have a horrible feeling it's not going to be that way. i genuinely admire your generous spirit However my own experience was that being that " fair" was a terrible mistake. My Ex OH withdrew all of the 14,000 we had saved and then refused child support because ( You only work part time) But that's my experience you know your OH best. Good lucky lovely x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I will take the advice but really don't want to be a total bitch and withdraw any money, it's not in my nature and all my friends and family know it. I want to play fair, if at the end of the day he doesn't then he is the one who will live with it. I want my kids grandparents and his family to be able to visit and not have any animosity, they have done nothing wrong and should be able to visit my kids. I just want an easy life - but have a horrible feeling it's not going to be that way. I know you feel like its being bitchy but its not, its your money aswell. You looked after the children and house, without you he wouldnt of been able to earn it. Even if you dont withdraw it legally he needs to pay for the children so pop into centrelink if he's still being nasty about it. Sammys advice was brilliant since shes been through this too. Dont believe the things hes said about you, your better than him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sioban Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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