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CAvey

Back over 9 months

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There have been so many times I have got to the point of posting this thread but have always stopped short but having read Op recent threads I have decided to write my own rather than hijack theirs. Please bare with me as this will be quite a long post.

 

Our background is that we upped sticks and moved to Oz nearly 6 years ago now. Living in Oz was an adventure, we started again from scratch there and the first 2 years or so were hard work but in time we became comfortable. We made the most of getting out and seeing the place whenever we could. My wife loved every mnute, she makes the best of everything whereas I started to complain about certain trivial aspects of living there.

 

I found it tough having little support and the longer I spent there the more the isolation / homesickness got to me. We came back for a visit one year over Christmas and this cemented the thought that the UK was the place I was meant to be. I was finding it difficult to cope and thought it would be best for everyone for us to return though I had real doubts, what if I feel no different??

 

Anyhow we returned over 9 months ago now, doing the whole bit again, selling up and went through the process of setting up again. We got the kids back in school, they are 13 and 10. I worked remotely in Aus for 2 months and got a job locally in UK the day I finished my Aus job. We also sorted out a great albeit expensive rental which we are still in. Everything is falling into place nicely, my wife has got a couple of jobs and has just got another, in her preferred profession, which she starts on Monday. My daughter has passed her 11+ having only 6 months prep.

 

We have attempted to purchase 2 properties so far but that hasn't worked out yet but we are still looking.

 

The thing is I really haven't settled yet and certain aspects that I thought the move back would have fixed I feel haven't come to fruition. I feel pretty much as guilty for these feelings as I did when we moved away in the first place.

 

Personally I would like to return to Oz, we have citizenship and I feel in hindsight that it has taken the move like this to realise what I want but bearing in mind it was me that brought us back I realise it would be putting alot on the family. My wife would love to return but not while the kids are at this point in their schooling and also the kids don't want to return right now.

 

Each time we accomplish something I am both happy ( jobs, school) and sad as I see 'us' becoming more settled. It has taken me several months to even consider buying a house here as I have always retorted that it's in the wrong hemisphere!

 

 

it would be easy to say well leave it 5 years or so but it's easier said than done, renting in itself is abit unsettling but I never felt like this when I was in the first 6 months in Oz before we bought.

 

I feel the longer we leave it the more chance it won't happen or the more chance it will ultimately split our family and I don't want that.

 

I'm fully aware that there is alot of me me me in this post but it's just how I'm feeling.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Yours Confused.....

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Well your wife doesn't want to move back, your children don't want to move back, so....

 

Count your blessings, things are going well for you, buckle down. You can't keep expecting your family to go backwards and forwards on your whim.

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You won't be the first person who feels like this or the last. So many people come over and then return only to want to return again and come back. Its laying the ghost I suppose.

 

Your children are not such an age that coming back would upset their schooling whilst if you decide to stay in the UK you may find that, its the children that hold you there once they get older.

 

Its important to find out what you want in life. Also you are lucky that you both like Aus. A lot of people are torn in their relationships as well.

 

My oh worked with a guy who went to UK like you did on holiday, loved it decided it was where they should be, they returned, spent about 18 months there and then came back to Aus. He cannot even get his wife to go back for a holiday now. His reasoning was that when they were on holiday over there everyone made a fuss, the family, old friends etc. However when they returned to live, it was not the same, the friends had new friends in their lives and all had moved on.

 

Its a difficult one, where did you live before in Aus.


Petals

:ssign15:taking no prisoners :wink:

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Well your wife doesn't want to move back, your children don't want to move back, so....

 

Count your blessings, things are going well for you, buckle down. You can't keep expecting your family to go backwards and forwards on your whim.

 

 

I understand your comments but its hardly a whim, its an unsettling situation. Sure we went to Oz as it was my wifes dream but one I certainly agreed to, then we moved back as I stated earlier. Things aren't always plain sailing....

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I understand your comments but its hardly a whim, its an unsettling situation. Sure we went to Oz as it was my wifes dream but one I certainly agreed to, then we moved back as I stated earlier. Things aren't always plain sailing....

 

I thought I would try some tough love with you. :biggrin:

 

It is not a situation I would want to be in, fortunately don't think I ever will be. But you are out numbered at the end of the day..

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You won't be the first person who feels like this or the last. So many people come over and then return only to want to return again and come back. Its laying the ghost I suppose.

 

Your children are not such an age that coming back would upset their schooling whilst if you decide to stay in the UK you may find that, its the children that hold you there once they get older.

 

Its important to find out what you want in life. Also you are lucky that you both like Aus. A lot of people are torn in their relationships as well.

 

My oh worked with a guy who went to UK like you did on holiday, loved it decided it was where they should be, they returned, spent about 18 months there and then came back to Aus. He cannot even get his wife to go back for a holiday now. His reasoning was that when they were on holiday over there everyone made a fuss, the family, old friends etc. However when they returned to live, it was not the same, the friends had new friends in their lives and all had moved on.

 

Its a difficult one, where did you live before in Aus.

 

Hi Petals,

 

We lived semi rural south of Brisbane.

 

I can relate to your story but when we got back I wasn't expecting a fanfair of any sort and our old friends are pretty much the same as before we left its as if we never went , so we are really fortunate in that respect. We didn't have any real expectations when returning so we haven't experienced any let downs.

 

one thing has continued to stick in my mind since returning, when my brother in law picked us up and said that my wifes dream was over now we were back.

 

i agree with your comments about the kids getting older and thats my main concern.

 

As an ex-colleague mentioned before I left, 'I may be more Australian than I realise and may miss the place'

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I understand how you might feel. I think you are going through the boomerang stage. What exactly were you trying to fix in this move? What is it that is pulling you back to oz?

I have been here in oz 25 years and I pinged and ponged back a few times. I have even moved interstate a few times. You never really settle anywhere when you feel like this. You are displaced.

If I had my time over again I wish I had stayed back in the Uk but I came back to get naturalised and everything went well and I brought my mum out and then I had to stay as she was too elderly to get back and now I am here until she passes and then I can go back to the UK.

So think wisely. Australia as a single person was fun back in 1987 i was a backpacker and if you were married and had kids a great place for families but as we age priorities change.

I never thought I would want to go back to the UK but the only thing on offer to me now is the weather and as I miss my old friends proximatey to Europe and my history and background you start to yearn for this as you age. The cost of living has escalated and I really can't afford to live here ie dental costs I would have to fly to a third world country to get my teeth fixed as you need a second mortgage to fix your teeth.

 

I would say I am a free spirit still single at 52 so I don't really fit into mainstream society and the culture "your on your own" and that's how the aussies see it too much of a threat to be invited as a single to an event in fear of losing their partner am still looking alright. On the other hand you have a family to consider. I am glad I finished my education in the UK our family nearly did emigrate when I was 12 via the 10 pound pom thing and glad we didn't. I watched the show Puberty Blues i loved it and I would have been one of the charachters. So you have to ask yourself what is important to your family and some times you have to make sacrifices I did but I'm still happy. I wish you well but I think you are better off staying in the uk there is far more on offer and if you miss the sun book a few european holidays. When you sit in your lounge room in oz watching a cooking show in Italy and you wish you could be there and you don't have the funds as it would cost thousands to get there from here thats what I'm talking about. Life is short...

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Hi Rupert,

 

Lucky you, at the end of the day I see it as my own doing really so shouldn't complain but it doesn't make it any easier. I do feel it would be a bit too much to expect the family to agree to my wants as they maybe wondering what if he doesnt settle this time...

 

 

Should've tuffened up at the time :biggrin:

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Well you tell everybody that it is not the end of any of your dreams and you have heaps of them and that you are getting the kids educated in the UK as it has a better education system. Your wife is very sensible and it doesn’t sound as though she is giving up on her dream of living in Oz! Once the kids are sorted you have the rest of your lives to decide where you would like to go! My Mum emigrated to Oz at age 72. I have heard of people in their 70’s and 80’s deciding to go back to UK. So unless you intend to die young, you have so many years of opportunities in the future. Perhaps you will decide to rent your house out there for 5 years and try Oz again or perhaps next time Canada – why not the world is your oyster. In the meantime stop worrying, work hard and look after your health and enjoy your children’s lives because they will be off before you know it and then you really will wonder what has hit you!

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Wherever you go, there you are (it's the curse of the expat!)! I don't think you can ever go back, only forwards because no matter where you go, the hole you created by leaving closes over and you can't just slot back in. You haven't cut off any options, you can go to Aus when you are older but in the meantime your priority needs to be not to jerk your kids around any more than they have already been and get their education out of the way then re-evaluate where you want to be longer term. Meanwhile enjoy every day and every opportunity that comes your way. They do always say you should give a move 2 years before making decisions to move on, you are still in the limbo phase.

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Hi CAvey. I think the others have probably offered some pretty good advice already, particularly those who have experienced that feeling of being stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

But whatever the reason, when you have a niggley feeling that all is not right with the world it can be really hard to shake. The big danger though, is that the niggle takes on a life of it’s own and every decision, experience or opportunity is diluted by ‘what if’ or ‘if only’......and very little can be enjoyed just for itself.

 

I know you would rather resolve things now, but maybe that 5 year target isn’t such a bad idea. Taking the ‘shall we/ shan’t we’ pressure off would dilute that niggle a little and give you the opportunity to make the best of the good life you can have with your family today, now.

 

Whatever you decide, I do hope things work out. All the best Tx

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So many ping pong, who is to say you will not want to return to the UK after you are back in oz, many do and seem to ping pong fir years, I would stay where you are as the grass s defiantly not greener.


Drinking rum before 11am does not make you an alcoholic, it makes you pirate..

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hi CAvey

 

it has split our family (for now) . My oh felt unsetled when we returned to the UK, so much so he has gone back to oz. We are due to join him soon. My advice, give it longer, i wish my oh had.

 

 

best wishes sunni

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I can relate this post +++.

Have been back here now for almost a year. Yes, lovely being around family and friends, got house, jobs etc BUT I have this ongoing battle in my mind (which I have said about in previous posts), that I simply did not give it enough time. On reflection I was just too busy focusing on coming back to the UK rather than giving our new life a chance to develop as I'm sure my homesickness would have lessened as our new lives unfolded. On the flip side though, I do value all things that make up the UK, even the most simple things. I spent years (and i mean years) studying, going to uni etc etc to go to Oz. After all the hoop jumping bla bla bla, when we went, I just wanted to come back. Mad. And the worse part is it was me that wanted to go, and me who wanted to come back. My poor OH bless him. Bloody good job he's easy going.... It's not a good place to be as makes you feel all topsy turvy and like a piece of a puzzle that has no jigsaw!!!! Grhhhh.... What can you do....???? Some days I feel like I don't even know myself anymore because of all this.

You are not alone, you only have to look on this forum to see....

Edited by Buttercup

'Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent free in your head'

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I understand how you might feel. I think you are going through the boomerang stage. What exactly were you trying to fix in this move? What is it that is pulling you back to oz?

I have been here in oz 25 years and I pinged and ponged back a few times. I have even moved interstate a few times. You never really settle anywhere when you feel like this. You are displaced.

If I had my time over again I wish I had stayed back in the Uk but I came back to get naturalised and everything went well and I brought my mum out and then I had to stay as she was too elderly to get back and now I am here until she passes and then I can go back to the UK.

So think wisely. Australia as a single person was fun back in 1987 i was a backpacker and if you were married and had kids a great place for families but as we age priorities change.

I never thought I would want to go back to the UK but the only thing on offer to me now is the weather and as I miss my old friends proximatey to Europe and my history and background you start to yearn for this as you age. The cost of living has escalated and I really can't afford to live here ie dental costs I would have to fly to a third world country to get my teeth fixed as you need a second mortgage to fix your teeth.

 

I would say I am a free spirit still single at 52 so I don't really fit into mainstream society and the culture "your on your own" and that's how the aussies see it too much of a threat to be invited as a single to an event in fear of losing their partner am still looking alright. On the other hand you have a family to consider. I am glad I finished my education in the UK our family nearly did emigrate when I was 12 via the 10 pound pom thing and glad we didn't. I watched the show Puberty Blues i loved it and I would have been one of the charachters. So you have to ask yourself what is important to your family and some times you have to make sacrifices I did but I'm still happy. I wish you well but I think you are better off staying in the uk there is far more on offer and if you miss the sun book a few european holidays. When you sit in your lounge room in oz watching a cooking show in Italy and you wish you could be there and you don't have the funds as it would cost thousands to get there from here thats what I'm talking about. Life is short...

 

Yes you're probably right I'd just like to overcome this one way or another, I never felt this way when I moved out there in the early stages, Looking back I think seeds were probably planted by other poms out there and it developed from there. I started thinking of things I miss in UK and how certain things were done better in the UK. Now that I have moved back I've realised I have changed and the way some things are done here have changed too, it wasn't Aus at fault.

 

I do crave for the adventure again but I won't go into detail about the other things here, nothing too deep really.

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Hi CAvey. I think the others have probably offered some pretty good advice already, particularly those who have experienced that feeling of being stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

But whatever the reason, when you have a niggley feeling that all is not right with the world it can be really hard to shake. The big danger though, is that the niggle takes on a life of it’s own and every decision, experience or opportunity is diluted by ‘what if’ or ‘if only’......and very little can be enjoyed just for itself.

 

I know you would rather resolve things now, but maybe that 5 year target isn’t such a bad idea. Taking the ‘shall we/ shan’t we’ pressure off would dilute that niggle a little and give you the opportunity to make the best of the good life you can have with your family today, now.

 

Whatever you decide, I do hope things work out. All the best Tx

 

Hi T,

 

Thanks for sticking with me I know you've been in touch since I made the move back. I agree there has been some good advice here which has given me some food for thought. I think getting our own place would settle us down but which ever way it turns out I'm sure we'll be fine we don't really get overwhelmed by anything these days :biggrin:

 

I like the idea of a plan, as my wife always says I'm not really spontaneous!

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I can relate this post +++.

Have been back here now for almost a year. Yes, lovely being around family and friends, got house, jobs etc BUT I have this ongoing battle in my mind (which I have said about in previous posts), that I simply did not give it enough time. On reflection I was just too busy focusing on coming back to the UK rather than giving our new life a chance to develop as I'm sure my homesickness would have lessened as our new lives unfolded. On the flip side though, I do value all things that make up the UK, even the most simple things. I spent years (and i mean years) studying, going to uni etc etc to go to Oz. After all the hoop jumping bla bla bla, when we went, I just wanted to come back. Mad. And the worse part is it was me that wanted to go, and me who wanted to come back. My poor OH bless him. Bloody good job he's easy going.... It's not a good place to be as makes you feel all topsy turvy and like a piece of a puzzle that has no jigsaw!!!! Grhhhh.... What can you do....???? Some days I feel like I don't even know myself anymore because of all this.

You are not alone, you only have to look on this forum to see....

 

 

I know exactly how you feel, I feel like it most days. I think you have had to experience it to understand it.

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hi CAvey

 

it has split our family (for now) . My oh felt unsetled when we returned to the UK, so much so he has gone back to oz. We are due to join him soon. My advice, give it longer, i wish my oh had.

 

 

best wishes sunni

 

hey sunni,

 

How long did he give it? Has he gone over to get things sorted for your arrival?

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It is a curse, and it never leaves you! There will always be something you miss about the other place no matter which one you're in at the time. They key is to have a plan, try and stick to it, and try and make the most of wherever you are. Plans can and will change but at least if you make the most of any situation you will never have any regrets. Sounds like things are going well in the UK for you all as a family, so just try and enjoy that for a while. Australia will always be here in the future!


Making some hay whilst the sun shines

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I totally sympathise as am in exactly the same boat. Ths trick is not to let it get you down, go forward and hopefully the family will unite behind whatever the decision may be.

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I think you are on the right track now, I felt the same things etc so you are just going through a natural process of assimilation but in both countries. It is your personal journey and we all have an affinity with both countries the good and the bad. We make decisions that are for the good at the time but when things start to compromise your life thats when we start making plans to change the status quo for the better. Some people are getting in my head why I won't like the uk after 25 years I guess I have to through the assimilation barrier again. The irony is when the brits leave the uk for oz they think it is a more permanent move but when aussies leave oz for the uk its more going with the flow and no real time limit is placed so there is the lesson. I am going back with the Aussie mind set, " ce sera sera, what will be will be, the futures not ours to see"..I might be crossing paths with you in the air,best wishes to you and your family.

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I think you are on the right track now, I felt the same things etc so you are just going through a natural process of assimilation but in both countries. It is your personal journey and we all have an affinity with both countries the good and the bad. We make decisions that are for the good at the time but when things start to compromise your life thats when we start making plans to change the status quo for the better. Some people are getting in my head why I won't like the uk after 25 years I guess I have to through the assimilation barrier again. The irony is when the brits leave the uk for oz they think it is a more permanent move but when aussies leave oz for the uk its more going with the flow and no real time limit is placed so there is the lesson. I am going back with the Aussie mind set, " ce sera sera, what will be will be, the futures not ours to see"..I might be crossing paths with you in the air,best wishes to you and your family.

 

When are you hoping to go back to UK again? I agree with you - someone has already said to me (she is back in UK having lived in Oz) that when I return to UK, if it doesn't work out because I miss my adult kids after a year, I can always return to Oz! No. I can't! I cannot afford to keep changing countries! I'm returning to UK and buying a house and cannot understand the attitude! My adult kids are mobile and can get on a plane!

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hey sunni,

 

How long did he give it? Has he gone over to get things sorted for your arrival?

 

 

5 months. He had a job offer and needed to start asap. Yes he is sorting rental , school etc before we arrive.

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