JohnAli Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 My parents are taking our news that we are moving to OZ a lot worse than I expected and I am having trouble coping. My Dad is refusing to speak to me and has told me he does not want to see me and play happy families, my mum is speaking to me but about everything other than Australia, I knew they would be upset but I was not expecting this. I am an only child, so no brothers or sisters to reply on. We don't have children, we are early 40's so it's now or never for us. I am getting so upset when I think about how upset my parents are ( I am crying now ). I feel so selfish. Is anyone else finding this process so emotional ? Or am I the only nutter? Ali Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devon67 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 its their way of dealing with their emotions, it will pass in time, when are you planning to move? It really depends on time, if you are leaving in a few weeks and only just told them i can understand that they are really upset. if you are really close they id hope theyd be talking to you by the time you leave i'd advise not to push the issue, let the idea sink in, wait for them to approach you as they will have lots of unanswered questions and concerns Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I think you are not selfish- but they are, rather. I am an only child, too and that does make it that bit harder but follow you dreams John- you never know, maybe one day they might even join you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnAli Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 its their way of dealing with their emotions, it will pass in time, when are you planning to move? It really depends on time, if you are leaving in a few weeks and only just told them i can understand that they are really upset. if you are really close they id hope theyd be talking to you by the time you leavei'd advise not to push the issue, let the idea sink in, wait for them to approach you as they will have lots of unanswered questions and concerns We are planning on going April 2013 , we have a holiday booked with my parents in 2 weeks which I am now axious about as I know how stubborn my Dad can be !! Thanks for your advice I am finding it difficult to think straight - no doubts about going - I think it's still sinking in that we actually have our visa !! Thanks Ali x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Hun :hug: you are only in this world once and you have to do what is right for you. My mum didn't speak to me for 4 years, eventually she tracked me down and apologised, she flew out a week later and now visits for 3 months every year. She says it was the best move we ever did, she just didn't think like that at the time. Just give them time :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnAli Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 Hun :hug: you are only in this world once and you have to do what is right for you. My mum didn't speak to me for 4 years, eventually she tracked me down and apologised, she flew out a week later and now visits for 3 months every year. She says it was the best move we ever did, she just didn't think like that at the time. Just give them time :hug: Fab reply - thanks - hope it doesn't take 4 years to win them round. How old is your mum? My parents are 70 I think they can make the flight, they think otherwise !! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussex boy Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Hi there, its a difficult one. My inlaws were completley against and my familly for. I made the point that they no longer lived with their parents, had moved out, moved etc. Down the line as the news from the Uk has got worse the letters to my mrs are very positive about the move and congtatulating us. When we left to get on the plane I said to the outlaws that they were not losing a daughter but gaining a holiday destination, they have come round in the end . Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Fab reply - thanks - hope it doesn't take 4 years to win them round. How old is your mum? My parents are 70 I think they can make the flight, they think otherwise !! x She is 68 so not far off yours and she travels alone so I think your parents will be fine, once they have made that first flight there will be no stopping them :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Noone is being selfish. Moving to the other side of the world is stressful as hell! When we moved, my mum didnt want to know anything about it. I was living her dream and she found it so hard to come to terms with. Dad didnt ask anything about our move as he didnt want to upset Mum. The one that listened to everything we wanted to say and looked at all the information we showed was my seventy something Nanna! The emotions are sometimes jealousy, they may not feel that they can do such a move! They are sad that they are losing you, sad that you are leaving and they will feel that you may not want or need them anymore. Best thing, involve them in everything, give them an option to be involved. In order to do a move like this, you have to be a little selfish and look after number one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meljayg Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I know exactly what you're going through. My Husband and I have made the decision to move to Perth and my Mum has taken it really hard, she has been absolutely vile to me since we told her our plans, my husbands parents are alot more understanding, even though they've said it'll break their hearts that we are going. We have 2 little boys and are doing it for them as much as us and they understand that, but we can't even have a civil conversation with my mum and step-dad without them getting angry and being nasty, "we'll never come and visit....blah blah blah" - the bug bear for them (I think) is that my Dad, stepmum, brother and 2 stepsisters and their families all live out there - which I get, but still, we have to think of us. I don't think you are being at all selfish, I think they are, we only get one chance at live and you have to live it how you wish and without regret, I'm sure they will come round in time (as will mine!!). Mel x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Hi JohnAli I am the parent of an only 'child' who went off to Australia for a year in 2004 and decided to stay! I was lucky because I sort of got used to the idea gradually. I wont pretend it isnt huge, because it is. I have sobbed in more airports in the last seven years than in my entire life before that, but it hasnt been all bad. We have visited places we would never have got to and we have had the satisfaction of knowing she is happy and has made a good life for herself. (This especially when her former home in London was surrounded by burning cars last summer). I think your parents are probably reacting badly because it has been a sudden shock? Give them time and don't let them blackmail you into giving up your dream - they wouldnt want to do that anyway, not when they really think about it. In the mean time, gather information about ways and means. We found visiting too expensive (daughter can only put us up for limited periods and dont want to go all that way for two weeks) .... so we joined a house swapping website (see my blog on here about our first venture). Get them to join this web site? I actually went looking for a website like this because I was feeling really down about things at the time - it has been a massive help to me as a source of information about everything from travelling there to actually following daughter down under one day. If your parents aren't already on the internet, set them up, particularly with skype. Get them to get mobile phones (if they havent already) My daughter and I text each other and it doesnt cost that much - I put £10 a fortnight or so into my pay as you go and can send the odd text whenever I want. We once passed on football scores when husb and I were walking on a beach in Ostend - it really does make the distance shrink because it is so immediate. Keep your nerve, stay patient, and remember that they are really hurting just now, and probably can't see the wood for the trees. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnAli Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 Thank you so much Fisher1, we too are in North Wales close to Prestatyn, I am feeling so bad because I have hurt and upset them. How old are you and how have you found the flights. I am worried that the flights might be too much for them, they are 72 and 69. Once again thansk for sharing your experience . Ali Hi JohnAli I am the parent of an only 'child' who went off to Australia for a year in 2004 and decided to stay! I was lucky because I sort of got used to the idea gradually. I wont pretend it isnt huge, because it is. I have sobbed in more airports in the last seven years than in my entire life before that, but it hasnt been all bad. We have visited places we would never have got to and we have had the satisfaction of knowing she is happy and has made a good life for herself. (This especially when her former home in London was surrounded by burning cars last summer). I think your parents are probably reacting badly because it has been a sudden shock? Give them time and don't let them blackmail you into giving up your dream - they wouldnt want to do that anyway, not when they really think about it. In the mean time, gather information about ways and means. We found visiting too expensive (daughter can only put us up for limited periods and dont want to go all that way for two weeks) .... so we joined a house swapping website (see my blog on here about our first venture). Get them to join this web site? I actually went looking for a website like this because I was feeling really down about things at the time - it has been a massive help to me as a source of information about everything from travelling there to actually following daughter down under one day. If your parents aren't already on the internet, set them up, particularly with skype. Get them to get mobile phones (if they havent already) My daughter and I text each other and it doesnt cost that much - I put £10 a fortnight or so into my pay as you go and can send the odd text whenever I want. We once passed on football scores when husb and I were walking on a beach in Ostend - it really does make the distance shrink because it is so immediate. Keep your nerve, stay patient, and remember that they are really hurting just now, and probably can't see the wood for the trees. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveshellybeach Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I know exactly what you are going through as we are going through the same with my parents. Half the time I feel so guilty that I could hurt them so much but we have wanted to do this for years and it is our dream. It's reassuring to hear that time helps, at the moment the subject is barely discussed and if it is it ends in tears. We are off in 4 weeks and I know things are only going to get worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnAli Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 When did you tell them? I told mine on Friday but we are not going until April 2013. I think its good to know these feeling are normal. I actually thought while sobbing at 2am this morning am I doing the right thing ? is it worth it? should I change my mind? We are doing the right thing, I just do not want to get to 60 and be living in this ****ry as I think its going to get worse ! I know exactly what you are going through as we are going through the same with my parents. Half the time I feel so guilty that I could hurt them so much but we have wanted to do this for years and it is our dream. It's reassuring to hear that time helps, at the moment the subject is barely discussed and if it is it ends in tears. We are off in 4 weeks and I know things are only going to get worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pswebb38 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 We told our parents when we first started this whole process (January 2010) and my mum is very anti even though we lived out in Adelaide for 6 years when I was very young. My wife's parents have both been fine and often ask how things are coming along. My mum has said she won't come and see us but the in laws are definitely going to visit. I'm hoping that my mum will change her mind in time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ymummy Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 hi JohnAli, some very close members didnt talk to me for months but eventually they did come around, nobody is helping me with my move either physically or emotionally, so.. there.. please play this song in your ..what doesnt kill you makes you stronger..kelly clarkson dont know how to put the video in..sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ymummy Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 especially this chorus What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger Just me, myself and I What doesn't kill you makes you stronger Stand a little taller Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Thank you so much Fisher1, we too are in North Wales close to Prestatyn, I am feeling so bad because I have hurt and upset them. How old are you and how have you found the flights. I am worried that the flights might be too much for them, they are 72 and 69. Once again thansk for sharing your experience . Ali Yes it's a long flight, but they aren't old! Having been expats we have seen parents flying out in their 80's for holidays. Obviously health is relevant, but if you are fit then what's the problem except feeling nervous if you aren't used to long haul. There is no rule that says you can't break the journey each way when you travel. Even a 1 night break each way doesn't necessarily make it much more expensive, and definitely lessons the impact of a long flight. Do hope they get over the feeling of hurt for everyones sake, including their own. It can be an exciting time of their lives visiting another country, and the suggestion of a house swap is excellent. I am 68, retired to Oz 9 years ago with my husband, as we weren't ready to move back to UK after living in Asia. We fly back to UK for 2/3 months every year as we have 2 grandchildren and a son there. It's not a problem. We skype regularly, and actually see more of our grandchildren than our children ever saw of their grandparents when we lived in UK, as it was probably only a few weekends a year that we visited each other. My son is very very good at sending photos and we do the same, with photos of the grandparents adventures and holidays. We both went for a flight in a chipmunk last week as it was 50 years since my husband had his first solo flight in one. We so enjoy life in Australia, so perhaps your parents might find a new lease of life. All the best, hope you all start to feel better about the move, don't give up on your dream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnAli Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 Thank you for your lovely post x Yes it's a long flight, but they aren't old! Having been expats we have seen parents flying out in their 80's for holidays. Obviously health is relevant, but if you are fit then what's the problem except feeling nervous if you aren't used to long haul. There is no rule that says you can't break the journey each way when you travel. Even a 1 night break each way doesn't necessarily make it much more expensive, and definitely lessons the impact of a long flight. Do hope they get over the feeling of hurt for everyones sake, including their own. It can be an exciting time of their lives visiting another country, and the suggestion of a house swap is excellent. I am 68, retired to Oz 9 years ago with my husband, as we weren't ready to move back to UK after living in Asia. We fly back to UK for 2/3 months every year as we have 2 grandchildren and a son there. It's not a problem. We skype regularly, and actually see more of our grandchildren than our children ever saw of their grandparents when we lived in UK, as it was probably only a few weekends a year that we visited each other. My son is very very good at sending photos and we do the same, with photos of the grandparents adventures and holidays. We both went for a flight in a chipmunk last week as it was 50 years since my husband had his first solo flight in one. We so enjoy life in Australia, so perhaps your parents might find a new lease of life. All the best, hope you all start to feel better about the move, don't give up on your dream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Hi JohnAli I am sixty and my OH is 62 - a bit younger than your parents but they are still not too old to travel, as ramot has already said. We have always travelled from London in the past, which is a drag because of a) extra train fares b) night in a hotel - I really would not do a 12 hour flight right after the train to London and the journey out to Heathrow. We have now booked flights for our upcoming visit and for the first time have found a flight from Manchester that seems worthwhile (in the past it has always meant flying to London and sitting round there for hours) This flight is Singapore airlines and flies Manchester to Munich, quick stop for refuel then back on same plane and on to Singapore. We are having one night in Singapore both ways and have been able to reserve seats in economy but with a bit of extra leg room. We have spent a lot this time, because we left it quite late to book (my mum wasnt well .... ) but if you look out for deals you can shave a bit off the price. Another way round the distance that we have found is to meet 'in the middle' - perhaps not quite in the middle but we have had two successful family holidays in Thailand, one in Hua Hin which is reachable by road from Bangkok - taxi - about £60 split between the three of us. We were in Phuket (which we found a bit of a drag to get to) this year to celebrate my 60th. Both times we rented a holiday flat so we could really be together as a family. You should try not to let it all get to you. We went to live in Luxembourg when we were in our thirties and although it wasnt anything like as far away, I would have been gutted to let the opportunity pass. You don't want to be sitting in Prestatyn when you are 60 saying, hmm we nearly went to Australia once .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meljayg Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Yes it's a long flight, but they aren't old! Having been expats we have seen parents flying out in their 80's for holidays. Obviously health is relevant, but if you are fit then what's the problem except feeling nervous if you aren't used to long haul. There is no rule that says you can't break the journey each way when you travel. Even a 1 night break each way doesn't necessarily make it much more expensive, and definitely lessons the impact of a long flight. Do hope they get over the feeling of hurt for everyones sake, including their own. It can be an exciting time of their lives visiting another country, and the suggestion of a house swap is excellent. I am 68, retired to Oz 9 years ago with my husband, as we weren't ready to move back to UK after living in Asia. We fly back to UK for 2/3 months every year as we have 2 grandchildren and a son there. It's not a problem. We skype regularly, and actually see more of our grandchildren than our children ever saw of their grandparents when we lived in UK, as it was probably only a few weekends a year that we visited each other. My son is very very good at sending photos and we do the same, with photos of the grandparents adventures and holidays. We both went for a flight in a chipmunk last week as it was 50 years since my husband had his first solo flight in one. We so enjoy life in Australia, so perhaps your parents might find a new lease of life. All the best, hope you all start to feel better about the move, don't give up on your dream. This is exactly right!! Where my Dad and co live in Oz and we are still over here, I have to say that altogether we probably spend more time together than we ever did when they lived here. You appreciate seeing them more and you have real quality time together, I have 2 little boys, and we Skype 'Nanny & Papa' up to 4 times a week, we email several times a week and also text. We see each other for a month or so every year (either we fly over to Perth or they come here) and the boys are really close to their grandparents. The world really isn't that big, and with all the technology available to us you don't realise the distance!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 johnali, the first thing I want to say is that your parents are grieving. Grieving for the future they thought they would have. Contrary to what other posters have stated, this is not selfishness, this is human. If they could feel any different I am sure they would. We cannot choose not to feel grief, anymore than someone can choose not to have a dream. Like any type of grief, it will ease with time. It will ease, but it may not go away completely. And as some other posters have stated. There may be positive benefits for them down the line that at this time they cannot see. But grief cannot be sidestepped with thoughts of future benefits, and it should not be belittled. No one should feel shame for feeling that way, or be shamed for feeling that way, by being labelled as selfish (though I know from the caring tone of your post you would never say this to them), and it should be acknowledged for the pain that it is. Grief is after all the most painful of all human predicaments. I am sorry this is not a cheery upbeat post, saying all will be rosy in the garden (and who knows, maybe one day it will be), but after reading posters who accused your parents of being selfish, I felt I needed to post. I wish you well, and I wish your parents well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnAli Posted August 2, 2012 Author Share Posted August 2, 2012 I love the honesty of you post, my aunt has just text me telling me of her and my parents feelings of bereavement and how I am selfish to do this to them and how I have ruined our family holiday - I feel awful but heyho only to be expected - I just was not expecting such a negative reaction - maybe with time. I am feeling quite hard today and focusing on the future , the rollercoaster of emotions continue x johnali, the first thing I want to say is that your parents are grieving. Grieving for the future they thought they would have. Contrary to what other posters have stated, this is not selfishness, this is human. If they could feel any different I am sure they would. We cannot choose not to feel grief, anymore than someone can choose not to have a dream. Like any type of grief, it will ease with time. It will ease, but it may not go away completely. And as some other posters have stated. There may be positive benefits for them down the line that at this time they cannot see. But grief cannot be sidestepped with thoughts of future benefits, and it should not be belittled. No one should feel shame for feeling that way, or be shamed for feeling that way, by being labelled as selfish (though I know from the caring tone of your post you would never say this to them), and it should be acknowledged for the pain that it is. Grief is after all the most painful of all human predicaments. I am sorry this is not a cheery upbeat post, saying all will be rosy in the garden (and who knows, maybe one day it will be), but after reading posters who accused your parents of being selfish, I felt I needed to post. I wish you well, and I wish your parents well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 johnali, I really feel for you and I really feel for your parents, and their loved ones. The bottom line is no one is being selfish in a scenario like this. No one can help feeling deep grief and sorrow at an impending loss, and no one can help having a dream. What is rarely discussed on this forum or anywhere, is the down side of having a dream.The burden of it. It is often portrayed as something exciting, amazing, positive, when really it is something that can lead to immense pain and sorrow, and mixed feelings. After all, if someone is happy living in their home of origin (and most people are) they are the lucky ones. They do not need to change anything to find happiness. It is there on their doorstep. And no one is hurt or aggrieved. I think the dreamer needs as much empathy as the people they leave behind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Hun :hug: you are only in this world once and you have to do what is right for you. My mum didn't speak to me for 4 years, eventually she tracked me down and apologised, she flew out a week later and now visits for 3 months every year. She says it was the best move we ever did, she just didn't think like that at the time. Just give them time :hug: Wow! How did you cope out here with your mum refusing to speak to you? Did it make you question the move? Im interested in people that have clearly made this work for them and especially after such a tough start....what kept you here??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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