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tillyd

UK daughter pregnant .... feeling very torn

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I have just been told my daughter in the uk is pregnant. I am over the moon. But ...... I feel torn. I alway said that when grand children come along I will go back. I want to be the nan that my mum and my grandmother always were to me. Daughters need the support of their mums and I know she misses us badly.

 

Problem is, we have a life here and my husband loves it. I also have a teenage son in Australia too.

 

So very confused. I really want to be there for my daughter but if I go back I know I will be going alone.

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I know how you feel i too have 3 grandkids now and have only seen 2 of them once the other never...i too have a teenage son here... we move back in october..been here nearly 5 years its ok but family come first.. i feel selfish staying, as i say its ok here but just not worth missing out on seeing your family grow up... hope you make the right decision for you...

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Thanks for your reply, been here about the same time as yourself. I just feel like I will be ripping my family apart .... again :( My heart is telling me to go back, but my head keeps butting in. I feel like I have left her alone for so long and had my adventure that now I need to step up to the plate and put her first.

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We are here on a two year secondment, I too have left two adult children in the UK. Some of the friends I have made here have emmigrated, and ask me If I would like to stay. I am enjoying my time in Oz, but I have always said I wouldn't want to be on the other side of the world long term to my children and any future grandchildren. My situation is a bit more clear cut, as I don't have any children over here, and my oh is happy to return at the end of his secondment, you have a difficult decision to make, why is life never straight forward? Good luck with your decision making.:hug: Perhaps an extended holiday in the UK around the time of the birth and early weeks might be a solution?

Edited by Somgirl

You never know what's just around the corner ........

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If your daughter and her husband want you to, then go back for 3 months, getting there either just before or just after the birth - it is afterwards that she is going to need the help (unless she wants you there for the birth of course).

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If your daughter and her husband want you to, then go back for 3 months, getting there either just before or just after the birth - it is afterwards that she is going to need the help (unless she wants you there for the birth of course).

 

3 months is a long time if staying in the same house. Most kids have moved on with their lives and the last thing they need is a parent moving back in with them. Houses are generally a lot smaller in the UK than here and there just isn't enough space for everyone to have their own when they need it sometimes.

 

We moved in with the in-laws for about 4 weeks before we emigrated. They have a fairly big house and I get on with them really well. It was still a struggle. More for my wife than me as I could go out to the pub and sports activities with friends when it got on my nerves knowing my wife had company. She sort of felt obliged to stay in and spend time with them.

 

If everyone is staying in the same house I reckon 4 weeks tops. The husband in particular will feel a bit strange. He has to get used to the baby and the change in relationship with his missus. It's hard enough without another opinion being put in the mix, however well meaning at the time.

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3 months is a long time if staying in the same house. Most kids have moved on with their lives and the last thing they need is a parent moving back in with them. Houses are generally a lot smaller in the UK than here and there just isn't enough space for everyone to have their own when they need it sometimes.

 

We moved in with the in-laws for about 4 weeks before we emigrated. They have a fairly big house and I get on with them really well. It was still a struggle. More for my wife than me as I could go out to the pub and sports activities with friends when it got on my nerves knowing my wife had company. She sort of felt obliged to stay in and spend time with them.

 

If everyone is staying in the same house I reckon 4 weeks tops. The husband in particular will feel a bit strange. He has to get used to the baby and the change in relationship with his missus. It's hard enough without another opinion being put in the mix, however well meaning at the time.

 

which is why I said 'If your daughter and her husband want you to'! Some mothers are so close to their daughters that it is not a problem - with others it could be. Note I included the husband in this!

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which is why I said 'If your daughter and her husband want you to'! Some mothers are so close to their daughters that it is not a problem - with others it could be. Note I included the husband in this!

 

Trouble is once the 3 months thing is agreed to it's hard to go back on. We had family out to visit and after each set of parents had been out for 6 weeks each we had a chat with each other and said that if they asked to come again we would make it plain to them that a month would be the limit. It's waring on everyone.

 

My father in law rang shortly after and said they wanted to come for 3 months. My wife found it hard to broach the subject of a time limit and told me. My son who was about 4 at the time heard us having a few words about it and my wife sort of agreed she would have to tell them. A couple of days later the FIL rang and my son answered the phone and said "Hi Grandad, I hear you want to come for 3 months, that's fine by me but I don't think Paul's too happy" at which point I think he realised they were pushing it a bit. He changed the trip to 6 weeks without my wife having to say anything.

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Speaking from a different persepctive, I moved here with my 7 month old baby and husband, taking my little girl away from my mum. It was hard to do but to be honest I don't regret it at all. My mum has been out to visit which was lovely but as people have said on here, it was a long time to have someone in my house even though I have always said that I coud live with my mum again as we get on so well!

I think you should speak to your daughter about what she wants - does she expect you to go back? I never asked anyone for help once my daughter was born, it was nice to get the support from my mum but I never relied on it and we are expecting a second baby now and will have nobody here at all which doesn't worry us in the slightest. Also, and again this depends on what your daughter wants, I would give them at least a couple of weeks once the baby arrives before visiting. My hubby had 2 weeks off when our baby arrived and it was lovely to have some time together as a new family - his parents flew over from Ireland in the last few days of that 2 weeks without telling us and it really upset us that he missed out on that time because of people in the house.

I hope that you decide what to do for the best as you sound so torn. Good luck. x

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Just remember family friends and fish go off after 3 days!!!! Seriously we never stay with our son when we visit UK, we like our own space, and more importantly don't want to want to impose on their lives, and it's so easy to outstay your welcome. Having had visitors stay with us both as ex pats and loads when we first came to live here, short visits are fine, and ground rules need to be stated, saves a lot of heartache in the long run. Love having visitors and love it when they leave.

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Thank you everyone but I don't think that I have made myself very clear. What I meant to say is that I would like to go back, I don't want to be across the other side of the world from my grandchild. I want to see him or her grow up, be apart of their lives. How can you do that when you are half way around the world?

 

I am very close to my daughter but I have no intention of moving in with them or anything like that.

 

My dilemma is I feel torn, my family here and my family back home. For once i feel like being selfish but I am so worried about the cost.

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Guest Guest72037

Tillyd: That's a tough situation to be in! Sometimes you have to be selfish. You could go over for the birth but I think that would perhaps be a bandaid solution. Could you and your family in Australia come to some sort of agreement to try the UK for a while and review your situation after that (almost a probation period)? It wouldn't have to be for long, maybe 3 months, so you haven't burned your bridges in Australia for the rest of your family in Australia, if that makes sense? Putting aside feelings about a place, it might be a good idea to ask your husband how he feels about having a grandchild on the other side of the world. That might help him and your teenager see things clearly from your perspective. Good luck!

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