corinne14470 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I'm really down at the moment. Got visa a few weeks ago and flying end of August. Eldest daughter has her own life, married ( though not most secure) andson. Now they know I've got flights they've all turned against me. I know this is cos they're hurting but it isn't going to chsnge anything and I am really feeling swamped by stress and am feeling very alone. May get excited about it soon but... Anyone else had an aggrieved 'child'? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 I would try and look at it from her point of view. How would you feel if she said to you that she was moving??? I very much doubt that they are turning against you. Its hard for people to get excited when you are leaving for another life...... Even now when I email my aunt (and this is 8 years on) I get one liner emails in return saying `glad it is all so perfect for you`. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Hi Corrine, I went out for lunch yesterday with my daughter and granddaughter. We were having a good old natter, and we got chatting about emigration (as we have loved ones who have recently emigrated), and I told my daughter I had been reading this forum and read that some parents emigrated without their older children. My daughter said, if I were ever to do that she would kill me!!! She said she would feel utterly rejected and dejected (and like your daughter she is 'grown up' and married with her own life), and went on to say she needs me as much now as she ever has, and wants me always there for her daughter. She knows I have no plans to leave, but she still displayed a strength of emotion just at the mere thought of it. I don't know what your relationship with your daughter is like, but if it is close, please do not expect her to feel anything less than pain and anguish. Do not belittle her feelings, let her express them no matter how hard it is for you, because only then will she move through them. If she feels her pain, but then feels she has to stuff it down for your benefit, I can imagine the resentment she understandably feels, will fester. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 My mums side of the family have never discussed it with us even when we are there, they pretend like Aus does not exist its quite funny after all these years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36187 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Ironic reading this as we are packing to move house (already in Oz!). While packing I came across an email I had printed out and saved from my Dad. It was sent to reach us just before we boarded. The first lines told me how he never believed we would go through with it and how he was more upset that he let on. The end of it said we had one life and had to go for it. We were ok and could get on in life with the bare minimum if we had had to. It ended with `most of all I am so proud of you and i Love you`. My Dad is a stoic person. In forty odd years have only ever seen him cry twice. I think daughters especially, always want Mum around. While I understood the sentiment of the above post, I could never have stopped anyone I loved from emigrating. At the end of teh day, when you emigrate you have to put a selfish head on and `do it for you`. You cant live your life for everyone else. Just my random thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Joanne, while I understand that everyone has to choose the path that feels right for them, no man is an island, and what may be right for us, may not feel right to our loved ones, and their feelings need validation too, particularly if those people are our children, no matter how old they are. I would never suggest someone not follow their dream but I would always encourage anyone emigrating to allow loved ones to be open and honest about their feelings and then to validate them. For example daughter says to mum "mum I am feeling so hurt and rejected. Why do you want to leave us. I feel like you don't love us anymore. You are selfish." Mum says "Darling, I can hear how much pain your in. I can understand it too. I realise children always want their mum at hand. I can understand how you feel. But at the same time you are an adult, and one I have huge love and admiration for. I love being your mum and have loved watching you grow into a wonderful mum yourself. However now you are an adult with a husband and a son. I now have enough confidence in you and your ability to cope with this, to feel able to start a new chapter of my life, one I hope you will also be a huge part of because even though you may not feel it at the moment, I love you with all of my heart. But I do understand why you would wish I did not have this dream. It is so hard on you. Sometimes I wish I did not have it too. It would be easier. But I do, and if I never try to live it, I will die wondering." I know it is not always easy to communicate openly in this way. Us Brits have often not been brought up to be open with our feelings. That is when letters can be useful. Like the one your dad sent to you Joanne. I am sure in sharing with you that your emigration caused him more pain than he let on, he was more able to come to peace with it. Openness is not always the comfortable option in the short term, but it usually works out for the best in the long term. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GoldCoastMag Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Our offspring are often unbelievably shortsighted when considering the life we may want to lead. I was totally supported about my emigration by my parents and yet have seen threads on here where parents lament their children leaving the local area. I think your daughter has been honest about how she is feeling and by listening and validating her feelings, she may be able to see that you are not rejecting her, but do need to take care of your own happiness. It sounds as if you are worried about how happy she is, and perhaps encouraging her to seek outside help, will let her work through her feelings and decide what she needs to be happy with herself. It isnt easy having adult children like I imagined when I had little ones. the parenting never ends does it. best wishes, and take care of yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest63690 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Our offspring are often unbelievably shortsighted when considering the life we may want to lead. Shortsighted or human. If the OP's daughter expected her mum always to be around, and be around for her grandson, she will understandably feel deeply sad and disappointed, as well as hurt, that things are not going to be the way they pan out for the majority of people. I was totally supported about my emigration by my parents and yet have seen threads on here where parents lament their children leaving the local area. Just to repeat what I said in another thread, which I think is relevant. Everyone deals with impending loss differently and for different reasons. If you watch the section on wanted down under, when the trialing family get to see their parents on video, some parents sit there dry eyed, reassuring their loved ones they will miss them but are happy for them, and others will openly share their pain. To be honest some parents might not feel the same pain as others, so its probably not fair to simply assume the dry eyed stoic parents are just self sacrificing heroes who are trying not to impose their hurt on their children, and the weeping parents are selfish horrible people who are only thinking of themselves. For example when my kids were small, I had a friend whose mum never wanted to babysit her grandchildren. She only saw them once a month at her daughters arrangement. My mum was always wanting to pop in, take the kids to the park, have them for sleepover etc. If my friend told her mum she was emigrating, she would probably have been one of the dry eyed 'stoic' parents, wishing her daughter well, while my mum would have wept and wailed and nashed her teeth, and given me a bloody hard time about it. I know which type of mum I would prefer. There are also other factors which make a difference, such as other children, if the parents are widowed, financial position (Good they can afford to hols in oz/ bad, they can't), fear of flying, closeness to you and grandchildren, value system (eg less materialistic grandparents may not understand anyone emigrating for material gain), loneliness (some older parents have hundreds of friends/others hardly any), health issues, and so on forever and ever. So many variables that may make one parent take their children emigrating different to another. I think your daughter has been honest about how she is feeling and by listening and validating her feelings, she may be able to see that you are not rejecting her, but do need to take care of your own happiness. It sounds as if you are worried about how happy she is, and perhaps encouraging her to seek outside help, will let her work through her feelings and decide what she needs to be happy with herself. I agree the OP did indicate that her daughters marriage might not be secure, and that should be worked on. It may also be one of the reasons she is so upset about her mum leaving. However even if she was happy as larry in her marriage, part of what makes her life complete is probably her mum living in the UK. She will still have pain whether life is good for her or not, as it is major loss she is about to experience and should be treated as such. It isnt easy having adult children like I imagined when I had little ones. the parenting never ends does it. best wishes, and take care of yourself wronged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
corinne14470 Posted August 5, 2012 Author Share Posted August 5, 2012 Thankyou for you varied viewpoints. They have been very thought provoking and supportive too. My daughter continues to throw things at me literally but also does confirm her love for me through it. It's very sad as obviously I'm sad to be going with these feelings being brought to a head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnjinky Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Thankyou for you varied viewpoints. They have been very thought provoking and supportive too. My daughter continues to throw things at me literally but also does confirm her love for me through it. It's very sad as obviously I'm sad to be going with these feelings being brought to a head. yeah a sad time i went through it with my 2 daughters although i have to say they were very supportive of my move here to oz...but after nearly 5 years I've realised theres more to life than australia ...family comes first ...i was at first full of the doing something for myself thing when i first got here but its just not worth the sacrifice....just my opinion of course its hard on both parties your heart will tell you the right thing to do when the time comes...good luck and god bless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 I think most kids dont grow out of being selfish until their own kids are teenagers. Its only then that they get some idea of what its like, also one psychiatrist who told me that the brain does not become adult until at least 25, so they may well feel grown up but their brains are not. So its a case of my needs first everyone elses later. I think its the most difficult thing in the world but to stay for a child who could easily move away themselves at any point would be really sad if your dream was still to move here. Emotional blackmail is easy to dish out but very difficult to take. The very best of luck on your decision, I think you are doing the right thing, if you dont try you will never know, and if you decide its not for you then all is good you can come back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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