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Guest graciegrace2280

Made no friends in Australia

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Hi,

strange to read this cos was on my mind this weekend! I have made some friends here who I socialise with, but they they aren't (yet?) the type of friendships I had back in uk. I got some news on Friday, not bad news- I know my new friends would help me out in an emergency, but just news about someone i knew years ago that annoyed me, and didn't feel I could pick up the phone to bitch to them as suppose not sure how they would view me after me foaming at the mouth! Emailed my best friend in Scotland instead and ranted at her and then felt better cos she understood exactly! But I have known her since I was 12! Suppose that's what I miss, is it just cos I'm too reserved, maybe? I probably don't help that when hubbie in the country I don't feel such a need for it (he being my best friend), which probably makes me a crap friend in general!

Hubbie thinks I worry about it too much!

Gillx


Gill (40!), nurse, and Mal (43), ROV pilot tech.

IELTS 8.5 01/10, ANMC 05/10, SA SS 10/10, 176 application 11/10, 01/11 on SA SMP!!!, CO 14/2/11, visa granted 17/03/11 :yes:, living in SA since aug 2011.

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I have been here 5 months and made no friends, and I am an Aussie, I know two girls here, both I met in London years ago. They both live far away from me and we all have busy lifestyles. I am so lonely and miss my friends back in London so much. I feel all of your pain!!

 

I know not a few Aussies who found the samething. I found London far easier than Perth for example to make casual contacts as well. I put it down to far more singles in London and many folk from elsewhere with no long standing friendships. This does not apply in my experience to other places in England as readily.

Also London has so many quirky type places to meet .....but then others find the going there hard. Wonder if you are finding it hard to replace your friends or generally find contact hard here?

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I think Perthbum has raised a subject that he found to be an issue in Australia. Not sure why so many are crtiquing what he experienced and saying it isn't true. It's true to him and a very common thread raised by many people in this country. Not sure why others feel the need to deny other's experiences.

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Guest guest36187

I think the thing to remember here as well is friendships are not made the instant your backside hits Australian soil! Many people forget that the friendships you had in the uk took many many years to grow. The other thing is get yourself out there. Australians are not going to welcome you with open arms, you have to put yourself there.

Since we have been here , 2005, my husbands found it notoriously difficult friendship wise. I am the other way! I have an amazing set of friends. Single friends, married, some with kids, some without! I have friends here that I can talk to about anything but if we didn't talk in six months it wouldn't matter, we would pick up where we left off.

It works but they take time to grow. Sme will work, some won't and I have had many that haven't. BUT the ones that work are worth it.

 

Good luck x x x

 

A perfect example of this is I had a PM from someone on here who has been here in oz a short space of time and is living near where I will be moving to. This person put their self out there and I can't wait to get to know them!

Edited by guest36187

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I think Perthbum has raised a subject that he found to be an issue in Australia. Not sure why so many are crtiquing what he experienced and saying it isn't true. It's true to him and a very common thread raised by many people in this country. Not sure why others feel the need to deny other's experiences.

 

Who's denying his experience? It's just that.............his experience...................and very limited it is/was too. He stated that "australians are cold" If he said, "the australians that I encountered were cold" then perhaps he wouldn't attract the attention that he seems to seek............he's been asked not to generalise time and again as it misinforms potential migrants but still continues to do so. The reason being???????????


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I sometimes wonder with regards to the many folk who state that their Australian friendships aren't the same as their UK ones, just what do they expect?

 

UK friendships are built up over many years and mostly built on common interests/experiences. Can it be, that their "Australian experience" of limited friendships is because Australians are different and have different experiences/interests? Could it be that some folk do have Australian friends but don't realise/appreciate it because it's a different kind of friendship to those which they had in the UK? Just like the sausages, friendships are different here. It isn't that they're lacking, they're just not the same as the UK?


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I have a best mate here who is English. I have another good friend, also English. I have quite a few aquaintances, Aussies and poms through my son's school and previously kinder parents, all really nice people just not the same rapport I have with the first two. I don't need many friends, quality rather than quantity, I would rather my own company and that of my family than living out of other people's pockets.

 

As for making friends, I don't think its a country specific thing, ie I'm sure Aussies face the same difficulty making friends in the UK as vice versa. I do think we communicate differently and I'm sure Aussies who have lived in the UK would agree with that. The important thing to remember is that it can take ages to make friends, years even, but ironically, when you meet certain people, you can click instantly. Also, it is mostly down to luck whether you meet people who are friend potential.

 

Be selective. Don't pounce on the first nutter you meet down the park!


My Brain Hurts!

 

 

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Regional areas do tend to be friendlier, slower pace of life. My hometown is friendly, Armidale.(( but I don't want to live there... Everyone knows your business!:biggrin:

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Sundays in Sydney. I used to hate them, feeling like a single, lonely, isolated 'ant' in the teeming Sydney 'anthill.' Now I'm back in Surry Hills on my second stint in Sydney and I'm still on my own, still living in the same flat. I could be feeling even more of an 'orphan' now that my parents have passed away, and one of my brothers is living in the USA.

 

Perhaps the years of therapy and drugs have finally come to fruition. (The drugs DO work!) I was just as lonely when I went back to England, living in a village. It made no difference, going into pubs if I did not speak to anybody (and nobody spoke to me.)

 

I've just 'pushed' myself to talk to people more, whether in pubs, cafes, at the beach, in any social situation. Even plucking up my courage on train from Penrith to Central the other night, telling a bloke he was in the quiet carriage and not supposed to use his mobile phone. One of the other passengers thanked me for speaking up.

 

Sure it can feel good going back 'home' to the UK or Ireland, when you are feeling lonely/homesick here but the point is, you are going back to where you were brought up, not to a 'foreign' part. Even going back 'home' has no point for me now my parents have gone and there's hardly anybody around who remembers me.

 

On the train from Penrith last night I was watching and listening to a group of young blokes heading out to the city from The Blue Mountains. (must admit I did not tell them to keep quiet!) They probably have grown up together, been to school together. I rather envied them and wondered what their parents were doing, thinking they are probably of my generation. Sitting at home by the fireside? Out at singles nights looking for new partners?

 

Personally, I don't think there's any difference between OZ and UK. I've just started work in Penrith. I talk to a few of the people I work with. I usually walk around Westfield after work with one of them whilst we wait for our respective trains - him to Katoomba, me to Central. Sometimes we go to the pub. Another of the blokes goes to all of the Swans games and I asked him if he wanted to see me for a beer in the Royal Exhibition Hotel at the Devonshire St entrance to Central. I'm sure I could and would be doing exactly the same thing in London. I worked for twelve years in one place in Sydney and for another twelve in another in Southampton, building up exactly the same kind of relationships with my workmates in both places.

 

My advice is to 'push' yourself to talk to people wherever you go, in all the situations where you'd normally keep quiet. I stop for a chat with the bloke who runs the coffee shop by the Devonshire St entrance to Central when I buy my coffee for the ride out to Penrith. I sometimes chat to the guard on the train as I get on or off. I sat with two barmaids from the Royal Exhibition in the Trinity Bar last night. I know their names, and they mine. It's made a huge difference to my life, knowing that I can go into various places and see people I know, who are pleased to see me.

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Guest guest36187

Friendships all depend on what you want out of life too. I have different circles of friends. EG: Friday was a day for me and hubby. Yesterday we met our best friends who have a little boy and spent the morning with them. Saturday arvo I go for a drink with my single friend. Today its the Sunday footy show which noone disturbs!! Lol

 

 

 

Make the best of what you have and enjoy it. It can be done.

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Guest guest17301
I have a best mate here who is English. I have another good friend, also English. I have quite a few aquaintances, Aussies and poms through my son's school and previously kinder parents, all really nice people just not the same rapport I have with the first two. I don't need many friends, quality rather than quantity, I would rather my own company and that of my family than living out of other people's pockets.

 

As for making friends, I don't think its a country specific thing, ie I'm sure Aussies face the same difficulty making friends in the UK as vice versa. I do think we communicate differently and I'm sure Aussies who have lived in the UK would agree with that. The important thing to remember is that it can take ages to make friends, years even, but ironically, when you meet certain people, you can click instantly. Also, it is mostly down to luck whether you meet people who are friend potential.

 

Be selective. Don't pounce on the first nutter you meet down the park!

 

I think this post sums it up quite nicely for me too...I have one 'very good friend' here who I would class in the same category as my very good friends back in the UK (only 3 there!) and that's after nearly 4 years...several work friends and other lovely mates who I see from time to time....I think time is a factor...the time to meet up, schedules, distance etc...when you're busy working my first priority is to spend time with my husband to be honest...he's my 'best' friend.....If I didn't work no doubt Id feel very lonely, we do need human interaction and work fills big gaps in our lives. When I get invites from the school mums I almost always say no...so they stop asking! Probably think I'm snotty but it's not that just my time is precious and I like to spend it with my family first and foremost!

 

Shared experiences over years make friendships that last and that are meaningful. I miss my mates in England, miss being part of their lives. So is it easier to make friends in the UK..I don't believe so no I just think the whole people having their own lives thing, immigrants have a whole new life to build up..its easy to feel sidelined I suppose Most Aussies will have their own well established groups and families to socialise with which is probably why Poms make friends with other Poms a lot.......Even they are open to new friendships but how hard is it to find someone who's personality clicks with yours and you feel you can be completely yourself with? I think I've met one Aussie so far who I could go on to have a great friendship with but I work with mostly Poms so not exactly representative! Best way forward and advice I would give to anyone feeling lonely is to join in...I don't know...group...etc take every invite going, make small talk...one day you will make a deeper connection with someone and that will lead to true friendship...if that's what you're looking for.

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Guest guest36187

Very well put Fiona. The time thing can be a massive factor. I know for us, we have friends that have a little boy and sometimes the only time we can catch up is over a coffee in between something we are doing and swimming for their son. Usually ends up first one at the cafe orders and by the time the other gets there its ready!!

 

True friends take a lifetime and those are the 3am phone call friends. They are the ones that if for eample youre moving, you dont have to say `will you help me?`. They will come round and say what needs packing?

 

I know when my husband was sick in UK after a serious RTA, one particular set of friends springs to mind. They came round EVERY day for 2 1/2 months to stay with my husband while I went to work, Drs, hospital appointments, shopping etc. It was a fair drive from their place but they were there.

 

To the OP, friendships will come. Takes time tho. Why not put something out on the socialising forum to invite people for a coffee one Saturday morning.....? Just a thought? I know there are a group over in Cleveland way that do that!

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Guest graciegrace2280

Thanks for the comment jennlx. But when you said ''I think there was a similar thread about this no so long ago - one of the suggestions (which I agreed with) was that Aussies aren't particularly unfriendly; it's just that they don't need any more friends.'' To me that means that's just unfriendly. And if they do behave this way then what a sad life they'll lead if all they do is stay within their 'group'. I agree with you it doesn't only exist in australia.

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Guest graciegrace2280

''I think the thing to remember here as well is friendships are not made the instant your backside hits Australian soil! Many people forget that the friendships you had in the uk took many many years to grow. The other thing is get yourself out there. Australians are not going to welcome you with open arms, you have to put yourself there''. <<< I agree Joanne, and I believe i have been open minded, tried adapting and made an effort but I think there's only so much you can do, I saw my self changing as a person just so I could get along, but I knew I just wasn't being myself anymore and have made the effort just to be who I am.

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Thanks for the comment jennlx. But when you said ''I think there was a similar thread about this no so long ago - one of the suggestions (which I agreed with) was that Aussies aren't particularly unfriendly; it's just that they don't need any more friends.'' To me that means that's just unfriendly. And if they do behave this way then what a sad life they'll lead if all they do is stay within their 'group'. I agree with you it doesn't only exist in australia.

 

I sympathise with your situation but I disagree that not actively seeking new friendships makes Australians unfriendly. Just busy. I'm an Australian who moved back to Oz from the a long stint in the UK and am now living in a new state. I've now been here 18 months and I'm happy to say that I've made some wonderful new friends. But none of them are Australian. The ones I'm closest to are Brits and South American. And I think the reason has already been stated in the thread - Aussies who have lived here for a long time are often pretty much set for friendships and probably don't have enough time to catch up with the people already in their lives, never mind new people. Ex-pats are often more open to new people, perhaps because they have fewer people in their lives or they just understand what it's like to be new to the area.

 

Can I ask all those who think it's a nation issue, when was the last time you made a new friend from another country when you were back in the UK? Didn't you mostly spend time with the people you are now missing?

 

I think it's wise to seek out other ex-pats as not only do they share many of your experiences but they are more likely to have a little more space in their lives for you.

 

Good luck Gracie.

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Guest guest36187
''I think the thing to remember here as well is friendships are not made the instant your backside hits Australian soil! Many people forget that the friendships you had in the uk took many many years to grow. The other thing is get yourself out there. Australians are not going to welcome you with open arms, you have to put yourself there''. <<< I agree Joanne, and I believe i have been open minded, tried adapting and made an effort but I think there's only so much you can do, I saw my self changing as a person just so I could get along, but I knew I just wasn't being myself anymore and have made the effort just to be who I am.

 

never lose sight of who you are x

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Guest graciegrace2280

Yeah I can agree with some of your comment sure people don't actively seek friendships in a day, it's built over time but like I've said I've been here what 6 years and nothing, it's strange to me because I am a sociable, friendly person. Also i think it's fair to say england is a very multi cultural place, myself being english for the most part but with a spanish mum, one of my friends from england was indian another the other from south of france, it really isn't a racial thing. I'm just saying I've been here a long time and find for the most part some australians have a very different way of forming friendships, i just can't relate to it. I almost feel like im in high school again, trying to prove myself to people, and trying to make friends. I just never remember it being this hard. But thanks for your opinion anyway surf n turf :)

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Thanks for the comment jennlx. But when you said ''I think there was a similar thread about this no so long ago - one of the suggestions (which I agreed with) was that Aussies aren't particularly unfriendly; it's just that they don't need any more friends.'' To me that means that's just unfriendly. And if they do behave this way then what a sad life they'll lead if all they do is stay within their 'group'. I agree with you it doesn't only exist in australia.

 

Not needing more friends is certainly not unfriendly, and not seeking them (more) definately doesn't mean that they have a "sad life if they stay within their group" probably quite the contrary..............they "stay within their group" because they are fulfilled. They don't consciously seek to ignore the chance of further friendships but simply don't seek them (if they are like me).................nothing "sad" about that.

 

Personally, I have two close friends and simply couldn't cope with being commited to any more. My life is "full on" with a wife who works shifts, two teenage sons, one who is autistic, a daughter with two sons who I care for when she needs time out, and two other teenage grandkids. I talk to all and sundry when I'm out.................the checkout chicks.............now middle aged who've known me for 17 yrs............the neighbours.............the postie etc. They may not be the sort of friends whom you yourself seek, but they fulfill a need for "daily social intercourse" but, If I need one of those friends who you can "spill your guts to", then I've got two friends who will be there for me or any member of my immediate family. Why would I need anyone else? I don't knock those who do, but likely I'll be one of those who you, (if I interpreted your post correctly) consider to be unfriendly or "lead a sad life"


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One thing has not been mentioned that friendships are forged on the internet. There are many many different forums around for different times of our lives and often people meet that way. I know I have met some very nice people on the internet and have known them in cyber space for a long time now. Its fine too. The good thing about cyber friends is that we do not have to put the kettle on, wait for them to leave, as we have something we want to be doing etc etc. Perhaps that is why its growing at a rapid rate of knots.


Petals

:ssign15:taking no prisoners :wink:

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When I went to London from NI I had a huge culture shock. People on the tubes looked funny at me when I would say hi and strike up conversation in the early days. No where I have been in the world has been as awful as that.........I survived and made friends. It was very hard at first, I was very homesick. Eventually I made good friends at work and am still friends with a few of them 20+ years later.

 

I am sorry it didn't work out graciegrace2280, I hope whatever happens next things work out for you :biggrin:

 

A lot of folk say that about the tube but I am not sure how different other transport systems are either. I found London an ok to very good place depending on the area and age. Being a teenager and in my twenties at least it was great. Far easier mostly to being such a large international population.

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When people comment that Australians are hard to make friends with, I often wonder how many new migrants they befriended (and welcomed with open arms) when they lived in the UK.

Edited by NickyNook

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Guest guest17301

Great post Petals

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I'm Australian and count several Poms among my closest friends however these friendships didn't happen overnight and they were the ones who issued most of the invitations to do things until our friendships had been established. That's largely because I had a very busy and fulfilling life already and wasn't looking for new friends - which is very different from being closed off to the possibility of new friendships.

 

IMO if you want new friends (whoever and wherever you are) you need to be the one to put yourself out there and do the hard work initially as you are the one who wants/needs something.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Guest Guest73927

Hi,

I am English and married an Aussie woman.

I to have difficulty making friends with aussies, well deep lasting relationships with Aussies. I talk to aussies but it is always about them, they seem to just talk aload of crap. I walk away feeling like wow yeah that has not really enritched my life any. They all seem like drama queens who like to put a show on, and you are their audience. Obviously my wife is the exception to the rule.

I have been drinking with Aussies and have never really had a heart to heart with an Aussie or made deep conection with an Aussie guy. Like in the UK I did with my mates and it was like yes I understand you, you have the same kind of morality as I do, I have your back.

Yet at the same time I have seen Aussies who will go out of their way for you if you are in need or need help. Aussies perplex me.

Maybe I have a deep English mindset installed in me that says I have to act a certain way and be accepted for how I act, and self validation is something that is acheived through how many mates you have? Maybe I expect to much from Aussies and they are slack in my English way of thinking.

From what I have learned from being with Aussies. English people are cruel and one English mind set is if you do not fit the mold an english person will ignore you and show you no humanity . I see it on this forum all the time if someone says something they do not like then someone else will shout troll and try to discredit then de-humunise them. My wife will not post on this forum becuase she does not like how English people behave and thinks that if she says something she will be automatically open to attack by some pompus POM. Many Aussies think the same.

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Guest guest36187

I think we have all learnt from this that everyones experience is VERY different and hopefully the OP can gleam something from our posts which will help her move forward

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