Scottish Humour

[Sids Dad]

I received a couple of funnies from a mate of mine. Scottish jokes which are quite good although I only "Got" some of the first one's.

So for all you Jocks out there....enjoy.

 

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:

'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken

'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'

'From my knickers tae ma feet. '

 

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

'Comfy?'asks the dentist.

'Govan,' she replies.

 

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography..?

Oor Wullie.

 

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'

'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.

'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

 

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?

He's awa' noo.

 

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.

'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.

'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

 

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ? Coo eight.

 

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.

Which one's a Musketeer?

The dark tan yin.

 

 

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.

So he calls the operator who asks in aplummy voice:

'Is there money in the box?'

'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

 

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '

Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'

And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

 

 

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?

Hawkeye The Noo.

 

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?

A skean dhu.

 

 

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

 

 

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

'No,' argues the assistant,

'look at the label – it says Taiwan .'

 

 

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'

And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

 

 

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?

A wee fly b*****d.

 

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for

the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

 

 

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?

The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

 

 

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?

Because the chef was Low Ping.

 

 

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:

'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'

'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.

'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'

'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

 

 

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative –

'Aye right.'

 

 

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .

When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!

'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.

'Piston broke,' he replies.

'Aye, same as masel...

 

 

 

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Rab, are sitting in the Farmers bar

drinking beer. Tam turns to Rab and says, 'Ye ken fit? I'm tired

o'gan through life athoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll go

doon to the squeel and sign up for some nicht classes.' Rab thinks

it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the school and meets the Lecturer,

who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English,

History, and Logic.'

Logic?' Tam says. 'Fit's at?'

The Lecturer says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?''Aye''

Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a

Garden.

Tam replies, 'At's true, I div hae a Gairden.

''I'm not done,' the Lecturer says. 'Because you have a Garden,I

think logically that you would have a house.

''Aye, I dee huv a hoose.''And because you have a house, I think

that you might logically have a family.''I hiv a femily.

''I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you

must have a wife.

''Man! Yer nae wrang!! I div hae a wife!!''

And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a

heterosexual.

''I am that! a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find

a' that oot, jist 'cos huv a strimmer.' Excited to take the class now,

Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Rab at the pub.

He tells Rab about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths,

English, History and Logic.

'Logic?' Rab says, 'Fit's at? 'Tam says, 'I'll show ye. Do you huv

a strimmer?

''No.''Well then, yer a poof.'

[Guest mandy&Jem]

Hee! Hee!

 

Whats the definition of a smartie?.......

 

A drawing pin with a hard on!!

[Guest Mrs Braveheart]

Brilliant :jiggy:

[keily]

PURE DEAD BRILLIANT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MRS KEILY

[Guest scots-in-oz!]

:biglaugh:OMG! That last one had tears rolling down my checks!! I couldn't read it out to Robert for laughing! Thank's for making my Monday night!:notworthy:Well funny!:biglaugh:

Mags:wubclub:

x

[Guest BullcreekBob]

Brilliant :jiggy:

 

Surely you mean brull yant ?

[Sids Dad]

A cannit beleive that me, a Geordie is postin Jock jockes!! well they always said we were scotsmen with wa brains bashed in!

With Burns night no too far away I thought I would dig out a Rabbie Burns poem that I saved on my PC . No doubt you may have seen it but it made me laugh anyway!

 

Wee sleekit steamin lump o' turd,

Ye made me scream oot loud....my word!

 

Wi' crusty sides, ye tore ma piles,

As oot ye slid, for seeming miles.

 

Ah pushed and strained wi' all ma might,

Tae gie ye life, ma bonnie ****e.

 

Yer body seemed tae come and come,

O fairest fruit o' ma ain bum.

 

Aye, oot ye crept, it took ye ages,

Just inch by inch, in foot long stages.

 

Ah held ma breath, as doon ye drapped,

Until..Relief! Ah could've clapped.

 

Yer birth, it's true, wis awfy sair,

Ah could'nae take it any mair.

 

But noo ye're born, ye're on yer ain,

Ah willnae see ye, e'er again.

 

So fond farewell tae jobby mine,

Ah'm sure ye'll get along just fine.

 

It's time tae part, forget the pain,

So get tae **** noo, doon that drain.

 

Wi' one great flush, ye're gone, och well,

Yer reek still lingers, whit a smell!

 

Aye, gone ye are, but no' forgotten,

Ah must hae eaten sumthen rottin!

[Guest Mrs Braveheart]

Surely you mean brull yant ?

 

Lol Bob or should it be pure dead brull yant :biglaugh: