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Tarzan and Jane When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel." ''My God! What happened to you?'' the Irish bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. ''I got in a tiff with Riley.'' ''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeeper said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.'' ''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel .'' ''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?'' ''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.'' This was contributed by Jonesey housewife A bus load of Nun's dies in an unfortunate crash! When they arrive in heaven St.Peter asks them all if the have ever been in contact with a penis??????? 1 nun says "Well, Ive touched one, but only with my finger!" St.Peter says, she must dip her finger into the holy water and say ten hail mary's. The 2nd Nun says "Well, Ive fondled one, with my hand!" St.Peter says she must say dip her whole hand in the holy water! Then all of a sudden there was a commotion, a nun was pushing and shoving to get to the front. St.Peter asked what was wrong????? "Well" she said "If ive gotta gargle the holy water, I want to get to it before Sister Ann sticks her arse in it!!!!!!!!!!! :biglaugh: A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel and let's get the f**ck out of here! :biglaugh:
i could do with a laugh today, coz its going to be a gloomy one, our dog is going to his new home today:cry: i thought i would be ok but just before son about to go to school he starts crying & said he wants to come with me to take the dog, so now ive got both kids in tow. i dont cry often ( that was until we started emigrating now i seem to have a tap!) but its so upsetting when you see the kids upset. i was keeping positive happy in the knowledge that ive found him a good home & not had to take him to the rescue place, but now they are coming im sure the day is not going to go with out a tear or two, oh there goes one. And to top it all the weather really bloody miserable too! (thunder!) donna p.s. was thinking of you yesterday dan (scarletfever)
Bishop And The Ass A village vicar wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: VICARS ASS SHOWS. The Vicar was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: VICARS ASS OUT IN FRONT. The local Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Vicar not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES VICAR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Vicar to get rid of the donkey. The Vicar decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. When he came around he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten pounds The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR A TENNER!. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. :swoon:
A new vicar at his first sermon was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the service he asked the Bishop how he had done. The Bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after communion he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Amen! :notworthy: