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Found 37 results

  1. Guest

    The Aussie Version of Creation

    As someone who has come to the conclusion that Australia has nothing much to offer this joke share by a friend really made me laugh! In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach..... ... And BBQ's....... He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, On the Second Day, God created water.... for surfing, swimming... ...and BBQ's on the beach, On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. .. Well.... Almost good..... He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good..... It was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
  2. Englishlover

    Is this true or just a joke?

    I got forward email from an English friend. In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet , Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn. Her mail is addressed: Linda Lykes The Cock Inn ERBUM Tillet, Herts. I am wondering if it is true or just a joke? I tried to google and still does not get answer.
  3. tonyman

    Joke Page.....

    A Northern Territory (Oz) farm hand (A native) radios back to the farm manager. 'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute andis wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.' The manager says,'Ok, there's a ..303Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.' Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from thebull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'. 'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager. 'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.' '......................................................... You there Boss?
  4. this is straight up........i work in the Stainless steel department with two other guys , one fabricates he is from Dublin , the other tacks up he is from Glasgow and i weld, im from England .......hence why we are a joke ...an Irishman , Englishmen and a Scotsman.....:laugh: also true ......in uk i was in another Stainless steel room and the two guys who fabricated for me where called Tom & Jerry .........:biglaugh:one was a scott too.....the other one shook like a leaf .....it was great working with him as i got to have a great rest ........constantly re setting due to hand movement ....two nice Old guys .....
  5. http://www.immi.gov.au/living-in-australia/delivering-assistance/government-programs/settlement-programs/ccs.htm Is this what DIAC have been working on for the past 2 weeks?
  6. So the water companies lose billions of gallons of water a year because they will not spend and we the public have to let our lawns and gardens die :embarrassed:. What goes on in oz? do you have hosepipe bans most years? Hosepipe ban warning after early hot weather http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/weather/8436979/Hosepipe-ban-warning-after-early-hot-weather.html
  7. Guest

    QLD Joke

    I feel sure thatthis is the right area for jokes so here's the latest from Queensland:biggrin:
  8. Guest

    This is not a joke.

    I don't mean to gloat but seeing as I may never get the chance to post this again I decided it was a chance not to be missed. IRELAND BEAT ENGLAND ........AT CRICKET!!!!! Well if that does not put an end to the doom and gloom at home then nothing ever will.:biglaugh: Go on ya good thing! [Apologies for the slight gloating involved in this thread,hehe]
  9. anyone read this story i mean what does this say about the british justice system or how britain wants to be seen by australia? Father-to-be who attacked two men in a drunken brawl spared jail so he can emigrate to Australia | Mail Online
  10. Guest

    what a ****** joke wa!!

    I have just got up found the wa list, and bang NOT ON it! Despite all ther crap that was released before saying cabinetmakers were in high demand bull bull, so short of tradies, state wide demand we are not on the list but every bugger else is. So angry right now. 4 years 1 month of this utter crap. Sorry for the moan but feel so kicked and fed up it is not fair. Thanks for the WA SS but you can shove it!
  11. John Gilfillan

    This is now a total and utter Joke

    Hi all, Just wanted hear everyone elses opinions. In my opinion this migration process is now a complete and utter farce. DIAC, The States and Agents have been the only ones to benefit from this debarcle. As I mentioned om Rachbarlows thread, Diac have made a fortune in interest from us, the states now can cherry pick from an extremely large pot of Skills and the agents are still making huge amounts of money from us. If I am not mistaken, agents were advising people to hurry and get their applications in before certain dates. I am fuming with the latest news that if you already have state sponsorship then you may have to re-apply and may even end up further down the pecking order. Re my previous statement; If you were to dangle food in front of a child and repeatedly kept teasing and taking the food away, you would be guilty of cruelty. This whole affair has put a drain on many families, whether it be financially of personally. They should all be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, but I suppose that Karma has a way of catching up with the actions these people have taken. Yours ( Decidedly P....D off ), John. PS, Please post your comments for all these people to see. They must know how we feel.
  12. A friend sent me this in an email-very funny I reckon. For All Female IT Users - New Software Releases INSTALLING A HUSBAND Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Football 6.0, Cricket 5.1 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail, in fact Husband 1.0 seemed to slow even further. What can I do? Signed, Desperate. DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download< /FONT> Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to< U> Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 12.1. Please note that Beer 12.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring program as well as disable spell checker and voice recognition Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will try to seize control of all your operating system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider new software to improve performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and* Hot Lingerie 7.7. Tech Support
  13. WELL 'ELLO DA! Them what i work with bein predominantly Oz seem to think us Brits have not the sense of humour they have.Any'ow,anyone got a quick Whopper i can tell 'em tomorrow,to put the record straight?
  14. VISA GRANT TODAY My Wife is in tears and I have'nt even hit her YET (Joke) Plus its my Sons birthday today, his next will be in Australia. Cant believe it, at last. TT
  15. Wishful

    Stuff this for a joke !!!

    Officially had it big time.....just want to go home cant because kids dad wont let me .....having really bad day. Starting to hate this country ....I know its not this country I hate before anyone says anything but its just how I feel right now. Cant afford to go back for at least 2 years and then for a holiday is it all worth it having to get back on that god forsaken plane again.......Sorry everyone...xx:no:
  16. Guest

    new spider....no joke

    hi all dont want to worry anyone but i have just received a e-mail from a friend whos a gp in oz telling me to be very carefull of a new spider in oz, he says it is very similar to the huntsman and is in w.a and spreading very rapidly to the rest of oz, he also says it lives in houses (very worried ). i thought it was a joke but he assures me it is not a joke and has sent me a photo of it ,does look like a huntsman, has anyone heard of it. :arghh:dobba
  17. Guest

    house offer what a joke

    :biglaugh: hi there all, if you can remember i put a thread on not to long back, cos we had a viewing well he came to view the house on three differnt accations, and each time he said he loved the house,. well he put an offer in today.........wait for it....... he offered 20k less than the value.......well i about fell over with laughter and told the estate agent's to say no thanks. did we do the right thing.?:arghh:
  18. Guest

    Human Rights, what a joke!

    Listening to the radio this morning I nearly fell off the scaffold, when it was reported on the news that hate preacher Abu Qatada, apparantly Bin Ladens right hand man has been awarded £2500.00 compensation. This compensation was awarded by the European court of human rights because his detention without trial breached his human rights. Has the world gone mad:wacko: or is it me!
  19. Guest

    plastering in aus is a joke

    after been made out to feel like I'm not a qualified plasterer thought i would see how the Aussie's train and qualify mmmmmmmmmmmm its a joke all i can say on this matter is i have forgot more than they need to pass what they need to look at is the training needed to be classed as a plasterer in the UK no wonder the British are classed as the best trades people in the world this assessment should involve comparing our works to there's and then see if we are qualified sorry if i sound very bitter but i am spent years getting to where i am and some jumped up office kid says sorry your not good enough thanks for listening folks feel a bit better now :arghh: ps. for anyone reading this post from the body that trains apprentice plasterers, a plasterers derby is spelt derby and not darby and it was the epyptians who started the plastering and not the greeks like they state, they need to do more research.
  20. TheBrammies


    A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
  21. TheBrammies


    A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
  22. TheBrammies


    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies" "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me" "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results" "My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London" "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with" "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod?????" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
  23. Guest


    Been to see my m8s new baby today. She asked if I would like to wind it. Thought it was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead. :wacko:
  24. Guest

    Joke 2

    Paddy shows an essex girl the L & R labels in his wellies explaining they mean left and right -Oh! she says now I understand the C & A label in me thong!:biglaugh:
  25. Hi we are a young family with 5 children all under 7 years old. we live in Perth and came here in August 2006 on my husbands 457 Visa, however things didnt work out with his job and we decided to apply 8 months ago for a 457 visa in my name as the main applicant and under my trade as a senior hairdresser. we have been waiting here with no money and 5 young children to feed for 8 months for a decision on our 457 visa, however my sponser has just been refused for submitting some papers with extra information on 2 days late so that now leaves us with 28 days to leave the country however we have only just found out from our agent and now only have 18 days left to sell our home sell our possesions, pull our five children out of Australian education that they have been in for nearly 2 years, what a Joke!!!. on the plus side I have at least 3 other job offers from allready approved sponsers however the case officer whose nose was put out of joint because of the 2 days late papers being submitted has decided to put a no further stay on me and my family, so in other words I cannot apply for another visa onshore. So I have to pull my children out of School and spend a fortune on air fares and go off shore and await a decision on a new application, which could take anything from 6 weeks to 8 months from experience, where is the sense in that. My children have ozzie accents and are happy here and in School, Our home is here and we have no other home anywhere else, how can we be treated this way and now only given 18 days to leave!!, do these case officers actually realise they are messing with peoples lives here? Do they have common sense? Does anyone know what we can do about this, we have been on to the immigration minister senator Chris Evans office but they say they can not do anything about this decision of no further stay, is this for real? If your thinking of coming to Oz on a 457 think again!!