Ollierr

You have arrived in your new country. Well done, you! During the journey, your sadness about leaving behind friends and family has receded remarkably quickly, as excitement about new beginnings has taken hold.You are buoyant on a mix of relief that the months (or years) of planning are finished, and elation about experiencing such different sights, sounds, and aromas in your new stomping ground. Maybe you have already sorted out your accommodation for the next six to 12 months; or perhaps you are booking into a hotel for a few weeks, while you look for your new home. Either way, it’s game on. I’d like to tell you that there’s a definite pattern to the way people emotionally react to moving abroad. The reality is that some people seem to take to their new country like a duck to water, whilst others struggle to settle down. To some extent, culture shock is what makes the difference. If you are moving from a Westernised country to a Westernised country, fitting in is likely to be easier than if you are moving to a country with very different cultural values and standards - especially if you don’t speak the language. However, most people will experience some degree of challenge, when it comes to moving abroad. It is likely that the same emotional issues that arose in the lead-up to leaving your old country will re-appear, and will have to be dealt with as you settle into your new life (or not). Kubler-Ross developed a model to describe grieving. It is adaptable to describe the emotional work to be done to settle into your new country. Whilst Kubler-Ross articulated 5 stages, and they are most often considered to operate in an orderly sequential manner, they often don’t. People tend to move backward and forward along the continuum, until each stage has been resolved. In the worst grief situations, it can take years. In regard to moving abroad, a healthy person should have worked through the process in 18 months to 2 years at the most. 1. Denial. Some people cry themselves to sleep for a week or two, asking themselves “what have I done?”, and seriously contemplate getting back on a plane. Others are simply too excited by their new surroundings to take it all seriously. These people find themselves in “holiday mode”. Completely opposite reactions that serve the same purpose: rejecting the idea that this is the new normal, and that an income has to be earned, new relationships need to be formed, and new routines need to be developed. Denial is protective. It stops us from being swamped by reality, either by pretending that it’s not happening, or by openly rejecting it. It’s adaptive, but not for long - because the rent needs to be paid, and the kids are going to get hungry. Denial therefore can rule only as long as the finances allow. For some, it’s a great opportunity to explore; for others, an opportunity for some serious stock-taking. Because denial involves feelings of unreality, it’s hard to do too much to address it from a clinical perspective. For counsellors, it’s a time of watchful waiting. It’s about being supportive and making sure that people are taking care of themselves. For people going through denial in the context of having moved abroad, maintaining open communication with the family immediately around you is vital, but it’s a time to make sure that you are in contact with friends and family overseas, as well. Phone calls, skype, and other online means of connectedness are key, including forums. Such fora give us access to people who are journeying along the same path as us. Some can help us, and some, we can assist, if we are further along our journey than they are. These forums are occupied by people who are experiencing the same issues, feelings and turmoil that we are. Sometimes, it is enough to know that we are not alone, and that the emotional roller-coaster is not unusual. There is safety in these meeting places, too, unlike Facebook: We can remain anonymous - and free to ask whatever we like, without feeling silly or embarrassed. 2. Anger. Anger might actually be felt by new settlers, disgruntled with their choices. Anger might be directed at oneself for selling up the old life, only to now want to return to it. Or it might be directed at a partner, who gets blamed for allowing the whole process to ever get a head of steam. Obviously, relationships can quickly come under strain in such circumstances. Thankfully, anger is the less likely response in the “honeymoon ” phase. Most people knuckle down and start establishing themselves, albeit often after a period of treating the experience as something of a vacation up until this point. Finding schools, employment, appropriate long-term housing, and getting to know the neighbours and new workmates are the priorities. Developing healthy routines and actively trying to fit into the local community is important. There will undoubtedly be challenges, even in circumstances where the cultures of old and new are seemingly not so different. Britain’s pub culture, for instance, is very different to Australia’s. The pubs in Britain are social hubs. This is not necessarily so in Australia, where you can find yourself drinking alone, no matter how often you visit the local. This can be alienating and distressing. Recognising that life in your new home will never be quite the same as it was, is vital. It’s not meant to be the same. You relocated because you wanted something different, something that was missing, or that you thought was missing. During this honeymoon period, best efforts need to be made to establish a new life. But it is also healthy to be mindful about whether or not the relocation is meeting the perceived need. 3. Bargaining. This is the “realisation” phase, where reality has settled, even if you have not. Maybe new routines have been established, and maybe they have not. But, at this point in time, which can be weeks or even months after arrival, it becomes clear that the same demands exist in your new country, as existed in the old. The mundane tasks still need to be done. The same irritations need to be dealt with. In all likelihood, the same workplace and relationship conflicts still occur. Some people work through this dawning realisation in a relatively short time. They balance the books, and decide whether it is better to stick it out in the new country, or to go back to the old, armed with a new perspective. Some people, draw out the process by bargaining: They just want things to be a little bit better, or a little bit different - so they start relocating to different places within their new chosen country. If the country is big enough, new climates can be chosen, as can very different scenery and job opportunities. It might just work. In the counselling community, we call this “greyhound therapy” - dealing with problems by jumping on a bus and trying a new environment. It can work. But in most cases, it just delays the inevitable need to work through the realisation that life for human beings is complex and fraught and sometimes unsatisfactory. Those who do best are those who don’t become trapped in ethnic cliques, locked into a constant negative feedback loop about how bad the new country is, and the constant wistful chatter about the old life. It’s certainly comfortable to be surrounded by expatriates, but what is happening is that the group is creating a romanticised memory of the old country. You left it for good reasons. Build a broader social group. Push yourself to develop frienships with the locals. Women do this better than men. But this means that men get to meet new male friends through their partners (no disrespect to LGBTQI readers). Of course, don’t abandon your expat friends, and don’t lose touch with friends and family overseas. 4. Depression. This is an extension of the bargaining stage, where negotiations with oneself and the new world have faltered or failed. You don’t think you can make it work, and you worry that things won’t be any better back where you came from - but better the devil you know, than the one you don’t, right? This is a genuine crisis for those going through it, because they have tried. Really hard. And it’s just not working. Welcome to the “homesickness” phase. Missing birthday gatherings, having to celebrate festive occasions in perhaps very different ways, even missing the things you disliked most about your old life, including the cold and the early nights, is incredibly debilitating for some people. Interestingly, there is very little correlation between overwhelming homesickness and an actual failure to fit in to one’s new country. You may have been in your new country for just weeks, or for more than a year, when crippling homesickness strikes. It comes out of the blue, a wave of emotion that obliterates reason. It is a yearning to regain our losses. It can, and often does, affect one partner more than the other. Sometimes, it can cause relationships to end, with one going home and the other thriving in the new country. Much more often, though, it is just a phase to be worked through that might even involve an extended trip back to the old country. For those who stay the course, it might pay to seek some professional assistance to work through the issues. Our emotions, thinking and behaviours are intimately connected. Because homesickness is about really powerful emotions, there’s little point trying to address them directly. But if our thinking can be challenged, so that we can appreciate what has been acheived since coming to the new country; and our behaviours can be addressed, so that we are consciously building our new life - a dissonance can be established, that caused our emotions to tag along. A counsellor can assist you to short-cut a painful emotional process. 5. Acceptance. Like all grieving for things lost, eventually, you will make it out the other side. I don’t mean to minimise this, because Kubler-Ross was talking about death and dying when she formulated her theory. But even the loss of a loved one becomes bearable eventually. In the same way, leaving behind a world that you had probably known since birth, including its cultural norms and societal mores, friends, family, job, home, pets - is a non-trivial matter. Once you get to stage five, there may be periods where you might slide back through the stages at various times, and for various reasons. But each occasion should be shorter and less difficult to manage, and each time you get back to the acceptance stage, you will affirm your new life and your place in your new country. You will know that the process is complete when you wake up one morning, and you feel like you are at home.