I would like to add to this, My father was a Bipolar Manic depressive for most of his adult life, I remember how I felt as a young child. I did not understand what would make my father behave in such a way. You begin to feel as if you are constantly doing something wrong, like I was waiting to be punished. We just basically walked around on eggshells. The illness was not discussed. Your kids need to know that it is not their fault, they need to know that it is your partner that has the problem not you or your kids. I'm sure you do your best to make them feel loved and cared for, you have to reinforce this and remind them that his behaviour is totally unacceptable. Otherwise the abnormal becomes 'normal'. Don't get me wrong, I loved my father dearly, I lost him 18 months ago and I would not have swapped him, he could be the most loving person ever. but then there was the flip side of the coin. My mum is fantastic, she was a constant reasurring presence when days were dark and I always felt loved and protected.
I can't offer you any practical advice, I'm afraid, just that you and your children deserve to be happy and safe. Maybe you don't feel deserving of a good life because you chose the wrong person and you blame yourself. I know it must be really difficult for you but you need to know you are precious and are entitled to be happy. I was married for 9 years to an emotionally abusive man, charming one minute and a B****rd the next. Ok' I had no kids and was in my own country (we did look into AUZ actually) but I just thought one day I can't stand this no longer. It totally cleaned me out, £4,000 divorce + £19,000 settlement I struggled for a long time, I did not think I could cope emotionally but I just dug deep, really deep inside and I got though, I have never looked back . A counseller is a fantastic idea, It was my catalyst for filing for divorce, I started to think, what on earth are you doing. They don't give you answers, for me it was like stepping outside myself and looking at what I was doing. I know it is not for everyone, it may just give you a bit more emotional strength to face the future.
Sorry this is a long post, I hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve
God Bless
Taraxxxxx:hug::hug: