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It’s not always that simple. My mum had advanced dementia and us three kids struggled for nearly 2 years to do everything we could to keep her at home. In the months before she went into a care home it had got so bad we had carers going in four times a day, us all ringing her everyday although towards the end she didn’t even know what a phone was let alone be able to answer it. We had security cameras inside her house to keep an eye on her and I did many late evening/during the night dashes to her house because she was doing something worrying. I called in to see her everyday after work and did everything for her. She had a few infections that sent her into hospital and after terrible delirium she hit a new baseline which was even more dreadful than before. We knew she needed full time care but it broke our hearts to send her to a care home so we battled on. In the end I phoned our local council and asked for help from a social worker or whoever could help. They started telling me they were really busy and I just broke down and cried which is not like me. They realised how bad it was and they sent a social worker out to see me two days later. She deemed mum as needing 24 hour care and she could no longer stay in the house. The decision had been taken out of my hands. She helped me with moving mum to a local care home where she remained until she has a stroke and died 8 months later. She never knew she had moved as she was beyond knowing where she lived or what was going on. I know I did everything I could for my mum to remain in her own home, longer really than I should because she was not safe. I took the view that you mention in that it was worth an increased risk to leave her be but I also had a duty of care to protect her and at the end it was like leaving a small child alone. You say you will put on your will that if they put you in a home they don’t get anything. Your choice but I can’t imagine doing that. You could end up like my mum and your kids could work their socks off doing the very best for you to the detriment of their own health. My mum wasn’t capable of understanding towards the end but I know if she could have understood she’d have been exceptionally proud of me for all I did for her and she would have wanted so very much for her children to enjoy the inheritance she left them.

I don’t know the age of other posters, or their relationship with their children, but I would never hold our children to ransom over any inheritance that might be left when we die. We mutually love and respect each other too much for that, We are at the age that we have had to think sensibly about the future, both our children who are in Australia, have raised the issue with us, they keep in touch with UK son. Health is of course is the deal breaker with potential plans, but we want to stay in our own home as long as possible. We have done the sensible things, made up to date wills etc. future proofed the house as far as possible, grab rails etc. are lucky enough to afford cleaners and help in the garden. My husband has been assessed for a health care plan, it’s quite important to get into the system sooner than later, so we are already as set up as we can be. We aren’t lonely, we have an active social life, we have been to several shows in both Brisbane and locally recently. I think my husband does more than me, as the men locally meet regularly to enjoy playing snooker and bridge together, and he has just started back at golf since his broken ankle. Our son lives in Brisbane, an hour away and we se him fairly regularly, our daughter is in Sydney and phones 3/4 times a week for a chat and a check up!!! Plus we catch up with the extended African side of my family that emigrated here, we are split between here Brisbane and just over the NSW’s border. My niece and young family came for the day last Friday, plus my cousin and wife. Had a great time together and had to laugh when both the 3 and 5 year olds, told me they had decided to have their birthday parties next year at our house. We are also blessed that our son’s godchildren have decided we are an extra set of grandparents, and we are included in their school activities, looking forward to going to the nativity performance next week. i think being older becomes harder when only one of you is left, that plus your health is when different decisions might be made? but there is a lot of support for each other here. Some of our friends have recently made the move to retirement villages, for the facilities and companionship, others like us want to stay put for as long as possible. The important thing is to keep laughing and loving life.

I feel that family is always first in a situation like that My wife, Jo, had metastatic breast cancer and dementia. I nursed her for her last 6 years rather than buy into a nursing home for her. It was very hard but I would gladly do it again, and give her the love a husband can give rather than what a helper, or professional would do, then knock off and let another start their shift. We, when we retired, bought bank shares and now, my son has a fairly handsome inheritance as I only have a short time left due to my liver failing. I still live alone and fend for myself, as my son is working in the Pilbara. It was my choice, much against my son's arguments to have a helper come in.I have my garden and orchids and two foxies to waste my time on. And I aint going to give in. Cheers, Bobj.

I remember after the last time my dad fell and I found him on the floor covered in "mess" and cuts and bruises realising that even with popping in on my way to work, in my lunch hour and on my way home it wasn't enough. He had a thing about clocks, apparently they were all wrong (they weren't) I bought a huge digital clock, a special SOS phone with massive buttons, he would tell me there were giant rats running up the walls... I arranged for home care twice a day but would often come in and see 2 of them sat on their arses whilst my dad was in bed. They weren't allowed to give him his meds so I went private, much better care. Then it was the hospice but he perked up and they sent him home with a box of syringes and a "driver" I had no idea what it was. Then about a week after I installed a hospital bed, hand rails and clocks in every room he took a turn and it was back in the hospice. They were so nice, they let him have his flask of brandy and pretty much gave him 5 star room service. A couple of days later it was his time. I won't lie and apologies to anyone if this upsets them but it was the most traumatic thing I have ever been through. The doctor set up the "driver" but he fought and fought. Just as we thought he had "gone to sleep" he would sit bolt upright and grip my arm so strong and with terror in his eyes as if to say "what are you doing to me?!". The doctor sedated him and told me to go home and get some sleep and as soon as I got home I got the call.. the lovely nurse told me he calmly went to sleep and it's common for people to wait until the loved ones are not looking... I don't know if she was just saying that but it gave me some comfort. Me. I've been looking into psychedelics as a way of coming to terms with my death (when it's near). There's been some promising studies with cancer patients. Sorry if that was a bit scary. I think my dad had a lot of demons. Any way, he's at peace now (as they say)

I am all for people living at home as long as possible and in accordance with their wishes. But we shouldn't dismiss professional help when we as children are unable to provide 24 hour care. Leaving a vulnerable person alone in their house who is unable to care for themself is not the right outcome for anyone. I don't think we should assume someone is going to hate living in an aged care facility. I'm sure it will happen to most if not all of us eventually. My mum was ready to move to one near the end of her life. The average stay in an aged care home is only about 18 months to 2 years before the inevitable happens.

My grandfather loved it: he had hordes of old ladies (residents) doting on him and he thought it was wonderful.

But what if you're not able to manage on your own? I assume you'll have a clause that says they'll get the cash if you decide, of your own free will, to enter care -- but what if you have a stroke or something, and you're not capable of making the decision? Then your kids will either have to become your 24/7 carers, or give up their inheritance. Not a nice situation to put them in.

If you're an emotional dinosaur, here's another question to think about. It sounds like you've got no desire to live in Australia, you'd be making the move purely for your wife's sake. You've said nothing about how you would feel about living in a foreign country, thousands of miles from your homeland? Honestly, it's challenging enough to make the move when you really, really want it. If you're just doing it to please someone else, you're likely to have a very hard time, and my worry is that you may find yourself stuck in a life of endless homesickness. As for the kids -- they'll be fine whichever decision you make. We have families here who love their life in Australia, but equally we've got families who didn't settle in Australia, went home and love their life in the UK, too. Your kids will have plenty of opportunity to live outside the UK when they're older -- as Australian citizens they'll be free to visit or live here as often and as long as they like.

Please, dear God, tell me that's a joke. I just about choked on my tea when I read that.

I couldn’t agree more. Many old people left at home until the end spend a huge amount of time alone and often in a confused state. A care home can give reassurance and companionship rather than silence and boredom. For those that are able, there are lots of social things going on in care homes. My mums care home had a Facebook page and I’d often see her on it singing/humming along or waving her arms and smiling to many social moments. She had lost pretty much all ability to remember anything or have any mental ability which included not even knowing who I was yet she could sing along to an old war song and showed genuine happiness. I realised when she was in there I should have moved her earlier. At home apart from carer visits and me popping in she sat completely alone and didn’t even have the ability to turn the tv on. We had it on but it stayed on one channel as she couldn’t turn it over. Sometimes you think you’re doing the right thing when actually you’re keeping them old, alone, possibly frightened and lonely. We all hope we have need to go into a care home but such is life and I honestly believe sometimes it’s better than the alternative.

Our story was the same as yours. My mum had dementia and we kept her at home for 4 years, us living there, moved from Australia and squatting in their back bedroom. Dad and I ended up in tears in the social workers office after one fall that sent her to hospital and he and the gerontologist said that she needed 24/7 professional care so we put her into a care home where, like your mum, she really didn't know where she was or who we were for 18 months before she died. Dad lasted another 4 years but he decided after one stint in his "respite care hotel" that that is where he wanted to stay so we facilitated that. For dad it was a real boosting move - at home he'd been sitting waiting to die but in care he got a new lease of life with more company and he could help the "old ladies" (age 96!). In all we spent 9.5 years in UK caring for them. We will never ask that of our kids and will opt for care if we need to. The scariest thing was their vulnerability - they didn't realise how vulnerable they were to scams and unscrupulous people besides mum's dementia, falls and infections, then dad's decline.

You know, it's not always "wrong" to be selfish. There's definitely a healthy selfishness - your own happiness and your own needs are important and putting them first sometimes is now wrong. As others have said, balancing your needs with the needs of others is very difficult and highly personal. Personal to you and the circumstances of your parents. And of course the needs of your wife. There probably isn't anyone on the forum who hasn't had to make that difficult decision. Their circumstances aren't yours, but they are a sharing bunch and hopefully hearing their experiences is helpful to you. Ultimately emigration is a compromise in many areas of life and if you are fortunate enough to have parents still alive and parents that you are close too, this can be one of the tougher ones.

Looks like it's quite real. Yes, lets have the man who made the UK a laughing stock on the international stage be foreign secretary! Imagine the sort of list you'd have to go through, striking through peoples names going "nah, bit rapey, nah, incompetent, nah, no competence, no competence, no competence, no competence...." before you get to Davey Cameron for that role. The fact that they literally had to rush through a peerage for Cameron tells you exactly how desperate they are. What an absolute clown show.

Interesting point. I think members of the forum are very invested in the fairness of the system, and someone lying to get a visa could potentially be taking the place of someone else who desperately wants to move. We see similar responses to the "can I move less than two years after arriving having committed to staying in a state" or "can I ditch my employer who spent thousands of dollars on my visa."

My mother was never lonely again when she moved into a home, and rather enjoyed being looked after, with the bonus of cups of tea and biscuits bought round regularly, Sorry think my iPad is playing up, couldn’t possibly be me!?

I could never do that to my kids.

"They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, We will remember them."

Yes, neither the boss nor wife could contact me, which was a terrible shame.

Thanks again for all the helpful advice previously. Here's a bit of an update since my original post for anyone interested. In September we had our first trip back to the UK in seven years. We got lucky with the weather which was fab, as everyone had said what a rotten summer it'd been this year. We told them we'd brought the sun with us from Oz! It was great being back and see everyone, especially my father who I'd been worrying about. He's got carers coming in daily so I'm less concerned than before, but there'd been a big decline in his mobility since I last saw him. It was quite heart-breaking really, but that wasn't the only decline we saw if I'm being honest. The UK seems to be in a shocking state, with so many business closed down and homeless people everywhere. At times it was hard to believe we were back in England. Even my friends, who've always been such a very positive bunch, seemed fed up with a lot things since covid. The countryside was as beautiful as ever though, and we enjoyed some lovely walks and days out. Despite having a few more doubts, our plan is still to move over there for a few years. We don't anticipate it being anywhere as long as we'd originally thought (2-3 years max) because I don't think my dad will manage too much longer before he needs to go into residential care. We discussed that with him and he said he wouldn't mind when the time comes, which was reassuring because we thought he might be resistant to the idea. That said, I'd like to spend some quality time with him before it comes to that. One thing that hubby and I now agree on is that we aren't going to sell our home here in Australia, so we're going to rent it out while we're away. I know it's probably going to cost us more money in the long run, but it will be reassuring to know that in future we'll be able to return to Australia without too many dramas. The question I now have is whether we will be able to remain Australian resident for tax purposes because that's definitely going to work to our financial advantage when renting the house out? I did a bit of research on-line and it seems that if our permanent home or domicile remains in Australia then we would meet the 'Domicile Test', even though we would be resident in Australia for less than 183 days. In fact it seems quite difficult not to be classed as an Australian resident by the ATO unless you sell up and move overseas permanently. I'm guessing at some point we'll need to speak to a tax professional, but any helpful thoughts in the meantime would be really appreciated. Ta in advance x

To each their own. I'll just never be able to digest him secretly taking on all those ministries. Leaves one hell of a foul taste in the mouth. A bit like his raw chicken curry.

Some of the medical questions are phrased “have you ever…?”, others are “do you have …?” - it’s pretty clear which ones require full disclosure of any previous condition/issues.

That’s what we’d all hope for. Sounds perfect. Problem is we are really good at keeping people alive these days. At what cost though? That’s where advance care planning comes in. I intend to make my wishes clear about what treatment and life prolonging measures I will and won’t find acceptable. My Dad didn’t get to his old age dying last year at just 69. That’s rough. He felt cheated. He wasn’t ready but a bonus that he lived independently and cared for his wife till the day he died.

Voluntary assisted dying is legal in Tasmania. So far, 5 people here with terminal cancer chose to die that way.

Doesn’t say much for the relationship if someone thinks they have to hold an inheritance over their kids heads in the first place.

https://dailysceptic.org/2023/11/10/people-never-visited-by-loved-ones-more-likely-to-die-earlier-study-finds/ This is very sad. We just lost our last remaining elderly relative, my wife's aunt in Germany. This article made me think about how mobile families are now. We choose to live all over the world, 1000s of miles away from each other. Wondering what will happen when they put me in a home, who will visit me..