17 year old son said he's not coming?!?!!

[KIRK AND CO]

We are so close hoping to be in Perth by Oct/Nov. This whole process started over 2 years ago when my son was quite keen. Now he has loads of friends and a girl friend and he is now saying he doesn't want to go. He is never in, socialising with friends is his life at moment. He said he will come and validate his visa but then come back. We have no close family here for him to live with but he said he can stay with friends. We are doing this for a better life and prospects for him and his 10 year old sister but he's having none of it. Anyone in same situation or gone through this? Any info or advice would be greatly apprieciated.
Thanks Tina

[Quoll]

Yup, let him get on with his life and congratulate yourself that you have raised a sociable, happy young man. At least he has said that he will validate which is a big plus he may change his mind but he is less likely to do so if you hassle him. Just say yes, sure, how can we help you - enter into supporting his plans - and then dont pressure him any more. You have a 50/50 chance of him changing his mind then.

There is no guarantee that taking a kid away from all they know and love and the people who are important to them that you are getting them a "better life and prospects". Perth is a very small pond - you would have to think that there are far better prospects and buzz for a young person in UK/Europe. That's probably why so many young Aussies cant wait to escape once they have finished school/uni. If you are moving because of an adult itch for adventure then that is fine but remember that one man's dream is another man's nightmare.

[Gollywobbler]

Hi Tina

I would solve it in the same way that Billy Braveheart on here solved it two years ago.

Their 17 year old was in much the same situation as yours. He had his own friends, had found a girlfriend etc and he said he was not moving to Oz.

Billy bought him a one way ticket, marched him onto the plane and got him to Perth. In Perth young Marc moped a bit for a couple of weeks or a month but pretty quickly he got a part time job selling fast food in one of the McJunk outlets. Via this job he soon made loads of new friends and discovered new things to do.

After 3 months this youngster told his parents that he was happy he had made the move, loves Perth and that he did not want to return the UK. He has never looked back.

I think that older teenagers who are less dependent on Mum & Dad do tend to fear that they won't make new friends etc but once they have done so they usually discover that life in Oz is miles better than they thought it would be.

If it were me, I wouldn't give in to whingeing. I would do what Billy did. One way ticket to Oz and if the youngster wants to come back he will have to earn the money for his return fare. That means he will have to get a job in Oz in order to save up enough for the flight. Making new friends via having a job is what does the trick.

I think it was probably different for Quoll's children because they were brought up in Oz. My nephews, now 12 & 15, were both born in Perth. They have been to loads of other places, both in Oz and in the Far East, for short holidays. When they were younger (before it was important for them not to miss a month of school here and there) they also made several trips to the UK. They are British by descent via my sister, Kiwi by descent via their father and Aussie by birth. My sister feels it is very important for them to know that they do have plenty of family members in the UK, that any one of us would gladly give them a bed any time etc and it might well be that one or other of them will come travelling in the UK and Europe once they have left school etc. After that, who knows.

I'm from a large family. My second cousin Sasha went to Oz on a WH visa about a decade ago. She started in Perth visiting my sister Elaine, understandably since Sasha was travelling alone and she was young. Elaine then passed her on to Cousin Yvonne in Melbourne. Yvonne then passed Sasha to Cousin Harry and his family in Sydney. Shrewd move, that, because in Sydney Sasha met a really Grade A Aussie called Greg and married him about a year later.

They are back in the UK for the time being, with two small children now. Greg's family have been in Oz for several generations. Apparently he can live and work in the UK via Sasha and after 5 years he can claim dual Aussie and British Citizenship, I gather. Sasha was born in the UK and their two children - only tots - already have two passports each!

Cheers

Gill

[kdal]

I totally agree with Gill, friends of ours have suffered so much emotionally because their daughter stayed in the UK, ended up staying with her boyfriend and his parents, I guess at 17 she is feeling pretty trapped now in a relationship that may not have lasted so long.
Their son also had a GF but he still came to Australia and the GF was going to come here 3 months or so later for a holiday, but she never did, and now he has a lovely Australian girlfriend!

When you all spoke about coming to Australia you probably all spoke about it as a family, and at the time he commited himself to coming therefore I think he should join you all on that one way ticket Gill was speaking about, and then he will need to work if he wants the return ticket to pay for it and by then hopefully he would have settled.

This is a great opportunity for him to live in another country and the opportunity shouldnt be missed, even if one day he does end up going back to the UK. I would be going down the lines of that he cannot stay with friends as you cannot expect their parents to have someone else in their home, and you do not want him flitting from one house to another, so if he cannot afford his own place at the moment then he will have to come until he can support himself.

I feel for you this must be so hard, but personally I wouldnt give him a chance to stay if he is not independent enough yet.

Good luck and let us know how it all goes, shame your not coming this way as I have a 17 year old that he could of met up with.

x

[Kabroom]

Hi Tina,

I think I would agree with Quoll on this one and the fact that he is willing to validate his visa to me says he is not ruling out the possibility of staying or coming back over to oz if it doesn't work out in the UK.

I can imagine it would be a very worrying prospect having him on the other side of the world but I would worry about the future relationship between yourselves and your son if you took the 'it's my way and you'll like it or lump it' approach.

Hope it works out for you.

Wendy

[The Bray Family]

Its a hard one we brought a 17 year old out and at times i wish we hadn't. Now every time he dosn't get his own way it's i hate it here i want to go back. A day or two later his fine again and loving it.We told him in the uk that he was under are care til his 18 once his 18 he can come back hoping by then he will be settled and won't want to go back.Last time he said he was going back, i said ok we are a family and we all go back wow his face dropped lol.Good luck its a horrible age they think they know everything.
sarah

[kdal]

Oh Tina, People are going to have different opinions on this one which is going to confuse you so much. I think you also have to weigh up is he dependent enough to stay in the UK on his own? Can he afford to pay rent, cloths, food shopping and going out etc... Then perhaps make a more informed decision. I know as Wendy says you dont want to take the approach of 'your going and lump it', but he will have to if he cannot finance and support himself fully.

I wouldnt want to be in your shoes hun, good luck xx

[KIRK AND CO]

Thank you all very much for your replies. Well Quoll I see what you are saying but although he is socialble and happy at the moment I don't think he will be with no job, money or a permanent place to live. After laying awake night after night I came up with the same solution as Billy Braveheart so thanks Gill it made me feel a lot better seeing that it did work for someone else and we are not alone in this situation. I think, like you Sarah, he will make our life a misery for a while and I do understand how scared and confused he is feeling but I would rather know he is at least in the same continent as us until he is mature and capable enough to look after himself.
Thanks again Tina

[cartertucker]

Good luck Tina....Wishing you & your family the very best

I think you have made the right choice...Im sure your son will thank you for it in the end....

[gavinclarke1]

i have been in the same situation i stayed in england cos i was goin out with a girl and now im regreting stayin in england cos ive come over to australia and struggling like mad to get a visa as i havent finished my apprenticeship over in england. i havent been able to go on my mums visa either. all im sayin is is tht drag him on the plane if you have to its wel worth it out here and iv met a great girl over here