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Hi all,
I've read through many of the posts and blogs on the site and always found them really insightful and just wondered if anyone could offer me some advice.
I'm moving to the Gold Coast in late November with my partner and our two year old daughter. My partner is an Australian who has lived in the UK for nearly half her life and desperately wants to return after six years in London. The problem is me. I really don't want to go, and am making the move under suffrance.
Don't get me wrong, I do like Australia and have met a lot of good people whilst in London or over in Oz for holidays. I've really enjoyed Oz for holidays and would recommend it without hesitation.
I just don't want to live there.
I love England. Not in some ignorant John Bull 'we're the best' type way, but because it's my home, and I don't have another one. I've never wanted to live anywhere else and never ever thought I would have to.
I really don't get the appeal of Oz to live in. I don't like hot weather, going the beach or the great outdoors. I'm a classic stay at home Englishman (holidays notwithstanding) who likes temperate weather, english pubs (warm beer included), a good curry, SKY sports and the BBC.
I find Aussie culture alienating. I just don't get it. For me, it's all too flash and glossy - a bit like I'd always imagined America. I'm really worried about this making things even more difficult for me whilst I'm there.
I'm desperate that this move doesn't break up our family and wondered if there are other people on the forum who have moved over feeling like I do and what they did to resolve that.
I understand that my anxiety probably doesn't ring a bell with many of you as so many of you have clearly made the choice willingly.
I am, at the moment, sick at the thought of going and leaving my family, friends and the life I know behind.
Hi and welcome to pio .... I think the first person you should be talking to about this is your o/h ....does she know how stongly you feel ...or have you just got carried away with it all ...if you feel like this now ...are you really gona put in an effort when you get there ??? ....could you go for a couple of years and then decide if you want to stay ...would she come back with you ??? ...these are all things you need to sort out before you go .... Good luck with whatever you decide
mrs keily
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Oh dear - mixed marriages can be the very devil cant they? I too am the Pommy half of an Aus/Pom marriage and dont want to be here now. Bottom line though is that if your relationship is worth saving then one of you is going to be unhappy - perhaps for a time at least this is going to be you!
Perhaps the Gold Coast is not the place to head to either - you sound like you might find Melbourne/Victoria more to your liking at least weatherwise. Dont move close to her folks whatever you do - that only serves to increase the sense of alienation and resentment that she will have her mob all around her and you will be on your jack jones. I am a 10 hour drive from my inlaws but even so I occasionally resent the fact that we can pop down to his folks for a weekend whereas I cant do that with mine.
If you can negotiate with your OH that this is just for a defined period of time then you may not have that sinking feeling that this is for the rest of your life and that does make it easier to live with.
You definitely do need to let your OH know how you are feeling - she may not realize the extent of your angst but you expressed it pretty clearly here! I hope she listens to you!
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Hiya and welcome to poms in oz ,i agree with Keily in that you really need to sit down and have a talk with the O/H ,i wouldnt debate moving here unless you are both 100% behind the move ,it is bloomin hard and if your un-sure before you even leave i would seriously re-think. Good luck and let us know what you decide
Cal x
My friend has been married to an Austrlain for nearly 14 years now, and never a year goes by without him wanting to come home. He feels as strongly about his family over here as she does about her's over there and probably the only reason they are still in the UK is that's where they originally set up home. I agree that your best move has to be a heartfelt, calm conversation with your OH so that you both understand the depth of each other's feelings regarding the move. It might be that you both really do feel the same conviction re. where you live and then I suppose it comes down to if/how you can compromise and who might be more able to manage the move/stay emotionally.
As for not loving Australia, why ever should you? I know of quite a few people -myself included- that didn't particularly want to migrate. I was perfectly happy in the UK and we all had a good life (no money though!). My OH wanted to come over and had done for many years and in the end I just thought 'what the heck!' and we moved. It might sound simple (and I am) but for me the move was about family. I love my family very much and home will always be where they are and possibly this is why we're every bit as happy now. My bestie has left most of her family in the UK and although they were incredibly close, they have managed to remain so just through phone calls. Four years on she would not go back not even for her much-loved parents. Friends remain friends, and as for Aussie culture being alienating...well, I think once you stop comparing and take a real good, unbiased look, you'll find it's simply different?
I suppose if you have a big heart-to-heart and you agree to migrate, perhaps you might agree to let your OH's family share the next couple of your daughter's baby years before re-assessing the situation. Quoll raised some excellent points regarding where you should base yourselves, but I would imagine your OH just wants to bring her baby home and share what's left of her baby years with her family rather than yours.
I really feel for you and wish you and your family the very best. LC
I agree with what others have said and sort it out before you decide. We all love our families and its a very very difficult one to solve as someone has to give as in all things in partnerships.
Thanks Quoll for taking the time to reply. With the greatest respect to my partner's folks, we are moving in with them - giving up my country and my independence in one fell swoop!. I'm not sure it's the best thing to do, but can't see how else to get started in Australia. Nearly everyone who's responded has mentioned the importance of communication. My partner and I have talked about little else since last Xmas!. Ultimately, talk can only get you so far, and sometimes someone just has to bite the bullet and get on with it. Fingers crossed and thanks again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quoll
Oh dear - mixed marriages can be the very devil cant they? I too am the Pommy half of an Aus/Pom marriage and dont want to be here now. Bottom line though is that if your relationship is worth saving then one of you is going to be unhappy - perhaps for a time at least this is going to be you!
Perhaps the Gold Coast is not the place to head to either - you sound like you might find Melbourne/Victoria more to your liking at least weatherwise. Dont move close to her folks whatever you do - that only serves to increase the sense of alienation and resentment that she will have her mob all around her and you will be on your jack jones. I am a 10 hour drive from my inlaws but even so I occasionally resent the fact that we can pop down to his folks for a weekend whereas I cant do that with mine.
If you can negotiate with your OH that this is just for a defined period of time then you may not have that sinking feeling that this is for the rest of your life and that does make it easier to live with.
You definitely do need to let your OH know how you are feeling - she may not realize the extent of your angst but you expressed it pretty clearly here! I hope she listens to you!
Really.... the way I see it, you don't have any choice. If you don't go, how long is it going to be before you all fall out? Wouldn't you be best to just give it a go? Say to your oh you will do it for 2 years. If you hate it at least nobody can say you didn't give it a try.
PS: "temperate weather, english pubs (warm beer included), a good curry, SKY sports and the BBC" - unlucky - the chance of getting any of that over here is 0!!
Cal has always said that she thinks you shouldn't do this unless you are 100% both in favour of it. I think Cal and Gary are very lucky. It is probably the only time I would disagree with her. I think its probably very rare to find an established couple who both have a desire to migrate to the other side of the world. I think it is more a case of one half of the partnership having the idea and the other warming to the idea and then falling in with it. I don't know, perhaps I am wrong. Maybe I just hope I'm not the only one who has made the compromise.
Our migration was my hubbie's idea, his dream. I had no real desire to do it, but I had no real reason not to. So rightly or wrongly, I fell in with the idea and here we are. Everything is good and we are doing well, and I put a lot of that down to the fact that we are a strong family unit. I realise your situation is very different due to the fact you have strong feelings about not wanting to move. I think you are spot on when you say that someone has to bite the bullet and get on with it. There is no compromise with this thing, someone has to "give in", be it you or your partner, even if it is for a limited time.
I don't really have any advice because I think this is something you have to work out for yourselves, but I just wanted you to know that you certainly aren't the only one to have faced something like this.
T x
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Cal has always said that she thinks you shouldn't do this unless you are 100% both in favour of it. I think Cal and Gary are very lucky. It is probably the only time I would disagree with her. I think its probably very rare to find an established couple who both have a desire to migrate to the other side of the world. I think it is more a case of one half of the partnership having the idea and the other warming to the idea and then falling in with it. I don't know, perhaps I am wrong. Maybe I just hope I'm not the only one who has made the compromise.
Our migration was my hubbie's idea, his dream. I had no real desire to do it, but I had no real reason not to. So rightly or wrongly, I fell in with the idea and here we are. Everything is good and we are doing well, and I put a lot of that down to the fact that we are a strong family unit. I realise your situation is very different due to the fact you have strong feelings about not wanting to move. I think you are spot on when you say that someone has to bite the bullet and get on with it. There is no compromise with this thing, someone has to "give in", be it you or your partner, even if it is for a limited time.
I don't really have any advice because I think this is something you have to work out for yourselves, but I just wanted you to know that you certainly aren't the only one to have faced something like this.
T x
Agree totally, Oz is my OH's dream. I wanted to move abroad but Oz wasn't my first choice. I'm here because I love him and wanted to support him and our relationship is about give and take. If I had said that I didn't want to go to oz my OH wouldn't have forced me but he might have ended up resenting me for not letting him try something he's dreamed of since he was little and we might have ended up splitting up. We've agreed to give oz a go and that if we are not both completely happy here, we'll try something else. At the end of the day I'd live on the moon as long as we were together.
Perhaps you should talk through your reservations with your OH. Instead of thinking of it as emigrating, agree to a 12 or 24 month working holiday and agree that you will both sit down at the end of it and decide whether you want to make the move permanent. No one can force you to stay if you hate it, but you might just end up loving it!! Good luck with whatever you decide. x
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LC
Still Dreading It
