No.............. it's not Max Bygraves
This really happened to us and it was very hard to settle into our new lifestyle and get used to what to us; was indeed a weird culture when we first arrived down-under as a family. If nothing else I hope it encourages some of you to give it a go down here ..... ......... and not pack it all in and run back 'home'.
ONCE UPON A TIME.................
We arrived here with a 1, 3, and a 4 year old and my wife could hardly speak a word of English............ and it was crap cos all the mums at kindy were up themselves............ and i couldn't get a job............ and we bought a crap house in a crap area cos we didn't know any different............. and when it rained the roof leaked and we got flooded out........... and the insurance company wouldn't replace the damaged carpets ............and they just sent a bloke round with a big jetlike looking space age gas heater thingy........ and we had to dry the carpets out......... and then sprinkle some nice smelly eucalyptus oil they gave us.......... and then through the insurance company we found we had bought an 'ouse with an illegal extension built onto it........ and we didn't know no different cos we're thick up north apparently........... and that news about the illegal extension gave us a giant headache ............ and then we bought a work van which unbeknownst to us was a rust bucket masked by a paint job........ and tons of filler putty.........and anyway I didn't really need a work van cos i couldn't find a job..........and it was really really horrible......... and we really really hated it............. and before too long all our savings were dwindling............and i started going to church but that didn't seem to make any difference............ and i had to go sign on at Centrelink down Mirrabooka way........... and that was just like being in downtown Saigon down there... ............. and the people at Centrelink were really horrible and nasty........ ..... and cruel too............ and i thought i was just as sick as a Peruvian parrot cos i couldn't get a job........... and the doctors said i was depressed... .......... and the pills they gave me just made me more and more depressed ....... and we got invited round to the neighbour's house for a barby.......... and they said bring a plate........... and we did........... and they all laughed at us..... .... and we didn't know why they were laughing........... but a few days later we found out we were supposed to put something on the plate........ but no-one had ever told us that......... and they gave me a stubbie holder........ and then they gave me a bottle of beer...........and like you do i poured the beer into the stubbie holder........... and that's not cos I'm thick from up north........ that's because i didn't know any different......... and in the stubbie holder there's apparently two likkle holes which allow condensation to drip out......... and the beer wet my shorts......... and that was really hilarious and they all laughed at us again ......... and they took the mickey out of the way we pronounced our words........... and it was really really horrible..........
and we really really hated it more and more............. but we were broke by now so there was nowt we could do about it............ and things got worse cos i couldn't say book properly........... because I'm not posh ................and the Aussies were going to look for a book........... and i didn't know what they meant.........
cos we're thick up north........... and then i realised they were taking the mickey ........... and i didn't think that was right........... and it seemed like we were being ridiculed all the time......... and it just got too much to bear.......... and we really wanted to go back to England........... and apparently our newfound Aussie acquaintances wanted us to go back to England too......cos we were really pommie bastards.......... and apparently we smell a lot.......... cos we only bath once a week in England......... and when a real big bloke told me this .... ..... i was dumbfounded.......... and he started pushing me around........ and prodding me......... so I hit him ....... and we had what they call a blue!
............. and I'm only likkle.......... and i can normally take a fair bit of stick.. ....... but enoughs enough.......... and i started to stick up for meself....... and i gave this bully a good hiding........ and they didn't know how such a likkle bloke like me could do that to such a big bloke........... and i never told them.................... and they all become really friendly to us........ and from then on...... it got much much better because seemingly we had earned their respect ............. and it got really really good ........... and then we decided it was okay........ and the Aussies really liked us now.... ...... and they let their kids play wiv ours.........and now it's really really good........... and we love it over here....... and the Aussies love us too.......... and we don't go to see those idiots at Centrelink anymore....... and i learned to swear in Vietnamese ....... and our bank manager really really loves us....... cos we give him heaps of money to look after for us....... and he talks to us like bank managers used to do in the olden days.. ......... and the kids found good schools ............ and they did really really well........... and we did really really well cos I got a good job ..........and we built a big new house ......... and we didn't have a mortgage......... and that's really good.........and our overseas visitors thought we'd won lotto........and we hadn't......... but having a good job made us feel like we'd won Lotto..........and that felt really good cos it made me realise it is possible to escape from life on a dreary run-down council house in the wet and cold north west of England....... so that too is really really good.......... and then we bought anudder house......... and then anudder one too....... and then a Jag......... and 4 udder cars as well............so I think we've we've cracked it.......... but it hasn't always been easy.......... but we have each other.......... and that's very good.........so after a lot of initial hardship... .. ..... and a great deal of heartache .... ....... we learned to endure same......... and we learned to cope......... and we're glad we did ........... and we have no regrets about coming here.......... none whatsoever........... and we hope you will be able to stick it out too......... and we hope that in the long run you'll be able to tell more or less the same story too?
.........................THE END
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I've said goodbye to haunted rooms and faces in the street,
To the courtyard of the jester which is hidden from the sun.............
