Dream is over!!

Need to get this off my chest:

Situation is this,

Me and my husband lived in Oz for a couple of years with our son, a few years ago. Husband had partner visa as I am Australian. Things were great for as while, we had great jobs etc, lived near my family but not parents as they are still in UK. We left behind our 2 eldest at the time they weren't ready and backed out at the last minute, so we still went ahead. We made great friends and I was loving Aussie life again which I have missed so, so much.

I decided to move back to UK as it wasn't the same without our eldest 2. It was a very hard decision as I wanted to be back in Oz so much and I made the decision when I was feeling down. My husband said are you absolutely sure as once we tell family in UK that's it. As you can imagine, both our parents were ecstatic.

My husband has got a great job now and I have too. Our youngest son who is nearly 13 is in secondary school now, although he hates school here and in Oz, but that's just how he is.

My husband has got to build up his pension now in his new job which he has only been in since our return. His previous job in UK was the only other one he had which was for 23 years BUT HE DIDN'T PAY INTO A PENSION!

I haven't had the courage to go back to Oz even for a holiday as I was scared it would set me off again to move back again. But now I feel ready to go but I know it's going to be tough. We have booked our flights.

I have mentioned to my husband that I would like us to move back again in the future, perhaps when our son has left school as he would prefer to get a job, he did like it in Oz but I think secretly family in UK was influencing him it wasn't the country to live in etc etc.....

The trouble now is this: now that we are back in UK, and we live very close to his parents, my husband has said there is no way he will put his parents through us leaving again all the while they are alive. They are in there early 70's fit and healthy, although a few health problems along the way which are either sorted or being monitored. My parents on our return to UK said they would move to our area so they can spend more time with us too, so my mum, rather than my dad, would be distraught I'd we upped and moved again. There health is fine too.

I am totally and utterly devastated, I don't know what to think or say to my husband now. We still have our lives to lead too and should be able to live where we like. We all want our parents to live for ever and without question, I hope both of our parents live for a long time yet, BUT we are putting our lives on hold and I think it will be far too late to find jobs etc in the far future in Oz, if say, we did the move for example in 10 to 15 years time. I am already 47 so I feel like our or my dream has gone forever. My husband said when his parents are really no longer around, then he said it's a possibility but he wasn't confident about building up enough pension before retirement in Oz in the future. I understand it's 10 years residency to be entitled to a pension.

I think about moving back every day and I think this holiday we have booked has kick started my feelings again. He nearly cancelled the flights the other day as he said this will really affect me again.

When we lived in Oz, both our parents we the only ones out of our friends over there that never really supported us in the move, so what hope would we have now in my husband changed his mind too after our holiday later in the year.

I don't who is being the most selfish in this situation. I hate living in UK and wish I had not made the decision to come back when I was feeling low. Much husband said he would have stayed as he said we had good jobs, the reasons why we came back did not work out with certain family members and now I feel bitter and angry, we spent lots of money moving to Oz and moving back to UK too.

But who am I more angry at, the family member or my husband now, I just dont know!

We know it's a great life it's not Oz and that's all I want for the 3 of us and possibly our daughter, who is now nearly 26.

I feel now like i can't mention this again to my husband but I am scared I will start to resent his decision and him.

It's basically like waiting for a time bomb to go off but we don't know when, I am in absolute turmoil over my husbands decision.

AM I BEING SELFISH????

Xxx:arghh::arghh::arghh:

A bit. Possibly a bit childish and immature too.

Not sure if you're being selfish but I think if you're husbands insisting on waiting until his parents are no longer here then you need to forgot your dream and live for today. If they're in their early 70's it's reasonable to assume at least one of them may well still be about well into their 80's and even 90's. It's certainly realistic to assume you'll be knocking 60 or more before returning. You may well have grandchildren by then and not want to. Either way I guess if your husband doesn't want to he doesn't. Sadly, your decision to return may well turn out to be a big regret but you can't force your husband to return. Cannot get away from the fact it was you that decided to move back. Surely being in the same country as all your children is wonderful?

Although it's a massive blessing to be able to live and work in two (or more) countries, it can also feel like a curse. We (humans) tend to look back and see things rosier than they actually were. I personally worked somewhere for nearly 4 years that I loved at the start but hated with a vengeance by the year 2.5. I still look back now and think, hmmm I really enjoyed x, y and z, maybe I should have stayed, conveniently forgetting the 1.5 years of absolute horribleness! We're constantly chasing that 'oasis' never actually reaching it, because it doesn't exist.

I guess what you need to do is (as calmly as possible) make a time to sit down and have an adult conversation with your husband. Think hard about what you really want in life and where that will be. What is actually most important to you, your husband and your family. If you flit back and forth each time you feel like it you'll be a broken person, in money and mind. Although it's very nice to take your family into consideration of course, the move is about you and your immediate family. What's right for you. Unless you've made commitments to care for someone I personally think you shouldn't move anywhere for anyone else but for you and your family.

Agree with @Tulip1 it must be nice being back with your children as you mentioned they were a big reason for moving back. Although, they're not small anymore and they have their own lives too. Nothing stopping them from taking off for a year or two on global adventures themselves.

I can see from your post your mind is quite frantic. Why not leave even mentioning it with your husband for a week. Focus on having a more calm mind and make decisions based on fact. In the meantime, grab a jotter and write down what honestly is really important to you in life.

I don't think anyone is being Selfish per sa but you've both got to a point where you want different things. you're experience of making decisions when down or emotional hasn't proven to be a positive one so I would wait until you feel a little more able to think and discuss the situation better with your husband.

I wouldn't let your husband cancel your holiday to Aus - even if it means you going on your own, take it as an opportunity to explore if you could come back for frequent holidays and if that would feel enough for you?

Need to get this off my chest:

 

Situation is this,

 

Me and my husband lived in Oz for a couple of years with our son, a few years ago. Husband had partner visa as I am Australian. Things were great for as while, we had great jobs etc, lived near my family but not parents as they are still in UK. We left behind our 2 eldest at the time they weren't ready and backed out at the last minute, so we still went ahead. We made great friends and I was loving Aussie life again which I have missed so, so much.

 

I decided to move back to UK as it wasn't the same without our eldest 2. It was a very hard decision as I wanted to be back in Oz so much and I made the decision when I was feeling down. My husband said are you absolutely sure as once we tell family in UK that's it. As you can imagine, both our parents were ecstatic.

 

My husband has got a great job now and I have too. Our youngest son who is nearly 13 is in secondary school now, although he hates school here and in Oz, but that's just how he is.

 

My husband has got to build up his pension now in his new job which he has only been in since our return. His previous job in UK was the only other one he had which was for 23 years BUT HE DIDN'T PAY INTO A PENSION!

 

I haven't had the courage to go back to Oz even for a holiday as I was scared it would set me off again to move back again. But now I feel ready to go but I know it's going to be tough. We have booked our flights.

 

I have mentioned to my husband that I would like us to move back again in the future, perhaps when our son has left school as he would prefer to get a job, he did like it in Oz but I think secretly family in UK was influencing him it wasn't the country to live in etc etc.....

 

The trouble now is this: now that we are back in UK, and we live very close to his parents, my husband has said there is no way he will put his parents through us leaving again all the while they are alive. They are in there early 70's fit and healthy, although a few health problems along the way which are either sorted or being monitored. My parents on our return to UK said they would move to our area so they can spend more time with us too, so my mum, rather than my dad, would be distraught I'd we upped and moved again. There health is fine too.

 

I am totally and utterly devastated, I don't know what to think or say to my husband now. We still have our lives to lead too and should be able to live where we like. We all want our parents to live for ever and without question, I hope both of our parents live for a long time yet, BUT we are putting our lives on hold and I think it will be far too late to find jobs etc in the far future in Oz, if say, we did the move for example in 10 to 15 years time. I am already 47 so I feel like our or my dream has gone forever. My husband said when his parents are really no longer around, then he said it's a possibility but he wasn't confident about building up enough pension before retirement in Oz in the future. I understand it's 10 years residency to be entitled to a pension.

 

I think about moving back every day and I think this holiday we have booked has kick started my feelings again. He nearly cancelled the flights the other day as he said this will really affect me again.

 

When we lived in Oz, both our parents we the only ones out of our friends over there that never really supported us in the move, so what hope would we have now in my husband changed his mind too after our holiday later in the year.

 

I don't who is being the most selfish in this situation. I hate living in UK and wish I had not made the decision to come back when I was feeling low. Much husband said he would have stayed as he said we had good jobs, the reasons why we came back did not work out with certain family members and now I feel bitter and angry, we spent lots of money moving to Oz and moving back to UK too.

 

But who am I more angry at, the family member or my husband now, I just dont know!

 

We know it's a great life it's not Oz and that's all I want for the 3 of us and possibly our daughter, who is now nearly 26.

 

I feel now like i can't mention this again to my husband but I am scared I will start to resent his decision and him.

 

It's basically like waiting for a time bomb to go off but we don't know when, I am in absolute turmoil over my husbands decision.

 

AM I BEING SELFISH????

 

Xxx:arghh::arghh::arghh:

I think, as humans, we always want what we don't have. In the first instance you didn't have your children with you so you moved back to the UK for them, now you're back in the UK you want Aus, which I can totally understand. It's too strong to ask who's being more selfish as you both have emotional ties to different places. I think you need to have a look at the 20 year plan and see what country will provide you with the best life for the rest of your working age and beyond. You'll be retired for at least 20 years which is a bloody eternity when you'll be at home not doing too much, so, to my mind, you need to look at later life comfort, and decide from that, I really hope it works out for you because from that post I can see you're really going through it.

To be quite frank, I do think you have made your bed and probably should lie in it. You made the decision to move back - you're not that young any more and Australia is quite ageist so getting a job when you are pushing 50 gets harder and harder the closer you get. You probably won't have a decent amount in a superannuation pot to have a comfortable retirement - they reckon 30-40 years in the workforce, contributing to super to get something that is vaguely comfortable. Living on an age pension is not comfortable and as it is means tested, you're likely to be living on very little if you did get it.

So even if you ignore the pull of other family members you are getting a bit long in the tooth to try it again at least until you have retired and are comfortable with superannuation (and at least you are contributing to a fund now!).

Sometimes you just have to draw a line and be done with it. If visiting Australia is going to set you back then don't go. Or as part of a compromise with your husband, perhaps an annual visit for you might be part of the deal. It certainly sounds like he was pretty clear when you made your initial decision and it sounds like it was your decision and he went along with it. You can't go through life looking backwards, if you do, you fall over.

With the best will in the world you are chasing rainbows. You can't have it all. You can't please everyone. It's just not going to happen. Live in the here and now for now. Try not to blame it on your Husband as it sounds like he's trying to please everyone all the time too.

I empathise with your situation and disagree your still young enough to get a job. It is a tricky dilema though but agree you should definetly take a visit. Agree witb previous comment that your children could easily choose to live elsewhere. I was drawn back to the uk after my father became ill with his third cancer which was inoperable. However he is Cat with 9 lives and still going strong. Your life is for living, not regrets and if your heart isnt in the uk and you can afford to return to Oz then thats your decision and no one elses. And if it doesnt work out...hold your head up high and return with no regrets. Think of it this way, if your were a uk workier in dubai for a couple of years and then returnede to the uk,no one would blink but because its Oz,some how thats perceived differently. Some people have jobs that see them ping pong around the world every few years....i would personally admire that adaptability. Yet i also recognise the need for stability......talk to your husband after the holiday. Good luck do whats right for you.

Having read your post I feel that your husband is correct here and that you are not being realistic. Not just parents but your kids (and potentially future grandchildren) are all likely to be in the UK in the future. Not to mention your retirement planning which would be unrealistic moving to Oz in a few years from now.

On top of this it was your decision to move back to the UK yet I think you are largely letting yourself off the hook for that and pointing the finger elsewhere. It sounds to me that even if you both agreed to move to Oz the same issues (separation from family) would make you low and draw you back to the UK.

If you spend the next 15 years or so working and planning towards a comfortable retirement you may even be able to afford to travel extensively in your retirement so long trips to Australia. Living and working in Australia and UK is not so different as to be worth the amount of angst that you portray in my view.

To be quite frank, I do think you have made your bed and probably should lie in it. You made the decision to move back

I have to agree with the above quote @Bubbly boo.

I am the driving force in us moving back to the Uk next year and I know the pressure is going to be on for us all to settle, especially me and I wouldn’t expect my wife to be too happy/supportive if I then said I want to move back to OZ.

Nowhere is perfect, I have finally realised this and I cant tell you how less stressed I fell accepting that I wont ever find it and just to stop searching for it and just enjoy the life that has the most important things in it for us as a family.

Your husband might also be worried that you will get back to Oz and then want to leave there again…you left before and I imagine things will be the same but just seem better there…because you are here….and then vice versa.

Why are you angry at other people? You seem to be the one who made the decision to leave. This was your idea not theirs. You do sound like you are being very selfish. Looks like people give in to you because you are likely to have a meltdown. If you don't pull yourself together you could lose everything.

To be quite frank, I do think you have made your bed and probably should lie in it. You made the decision to move back - you're not that young any more and Australia is quite ageist so getting a job when you are pushing 50 gets harder and harder the closer you get. You probably won't have a decent amount in a superannuation pot to have a comfortable retirement - they reckon 30-40 years in the workforce, contributing to super to get something that is vaguely comfortable. Living on an age pension is not comfortable and as it is means tested, you're likely to be living on very little if you did get it.

 

So even if you ignore the pull of other family members you are getting a bit long in the tooth to try it again at least until you have retired and are comfortable with superannuation (and at least you are contributing to a fund now!).

 

Sometimes you just have to draw a line and be done with it. If visiting Australia is going to set you back then don't go. Or as part of a compromise with your husband, perhaps an annual visit for you might be part of the deal. It certainly sounds like he was pretty clear when you made your initial decision and it sounds like it was your decision and he went along with it. You can't go through life looking backwards, if you do, you fall over.

The voice of reason and commonsense ,strikes again

I have to agree with the above quote @Bubbly boo.

 

I am the driving force in us moving back to the Uk next year and I know the pressure is going to be on for us all to settle, especially me and I wouldn’t expect my wife to be too happy/supportive if I then said I want to move back to OZ.

 

Nowhere is perfect, I have finally realised this and I cant tell you how less stressed I fell accepting that I wont ever find it and just to stop searching for it and just enjoy the life that has the most important things in it for us as a family.

 

Your husband might also be worried that you will get back to Oz and then want to leave there again…you left before and I imagine things will be the same but just seem better there…because you are here….and then vice versa.

Bloody hell wattsy ,your wife sounds like mine ......from someone who has done it ,its not all plain sailing I can assure .

Just prepare yourself for it .....i have had to learn total self reliance ,even more than in oz .

There are times over the last 20 years ,without my work ethic ,and equally my wife's work ethic and wisdom ,we wouldn't have made it .

Being back home requires a different tool kit .....you wont have the homesickness obviosly ,but I think the u.k ,in the main ,is a tougher nut to crack

Need to get this off my chest:

 

Situation is this,

 

Me and my husband lived in Oz for a couple of years with our son, a few years ago. Husband had partner visa as I am Australian. Things were great for as while, we had great jobs etc, lived near my family but not parents as they are still in UK. We left behind our 2 eldest at the time they weren't ready and backed out at the last minute, so we still went ahead. We made great friends and I was loving Aussie life again which I have missed so, so much.

 

I decided to move back to UK as it wasn't the same without our eldest 2. It was a very hard decision as I wanted to be back in Oz so much and I made the decision when I was feeling down. My husband said are you absolutely sure as once we tell family in UK that's it. As you can imagine, both our parents were ecstatic.

 

My husband has got a great job now and I have too. Our youngest son who is nearly 13 is in secondary school now, although he hates school here and in Oz, but that's just how he is.

 

My husband has got to build up his pension now in his new job which he has only been in since our return. His previous job in UK was the only other one he had which was for 23 years BUT HE DIDN'T PAY INTO A PENSION!

 

I haven't had the courage to go back to Oz even for a holiday as I was scared it would set me off again to move back again. But now I feel ready to go but I know it's going to be tough. We have booked our flights.

 

I have mentioned to my husband that I would like us to move back again in the future, perhaps when our son has left school as he would prefer to get a job, he did like it in Oz but I think secretly family in UK was influencing him it wasn't the country to live in etc etc.....

 

The trouble now is this: now that we are back in UK, and we live very close to his parents, my husband has said there is no way he will put his parents through us leaving again all the while they are alive. They are in there early 70's fit and healthy, although a few health problems along the way which are either sorted or being monitored. My parents on our return to UK said they would move to our area so they can spend more time with us too, so my mum, rather than my dad, would be distraught I'd we upped and moved again. There health is fine too.

 

I am totally and utterly devastated, I don't know what to think or say to my husband now. We still have our lives to lead too and should be able to live where we like. We all want our parents to live for ever and without question, I hope both of our parents live for a long time yet, BUT we are putting our lives on hold and I think it will be far too late to find jobs etc in the far future in Oz, if say, we did the move for example in 10 to 15 years time. I am already 47 so I feel like our or my dream has gone forever. My husband said when his parents are really no longer around, then he said it's a possibility but he wasn't confident about building up enough pension before retirement in Oz in the future. I understand it's 10 years residency to be entitled to a pension.

 

I think about moving back every day and I think this holiday we have booked has kick started my feelings again. He nearly cancelled the flights the other day as he said this will really affect me again.

 

When we lived in Oz, both our parents we the only ones out of our friends over there that never really supported us in the move, so what hope would we have now in my husband changed his mind too after our holiday later in the year.

 

I don't who is being the most selfish in this situation. I hate living in UK and wish I had not made the decision to come back when I was feeling low. Much husband said he would have stayed as he said we had good jobs, the reasons why we came back did not work out with certain family members and now I feel bitter and angry, we spent lots of money moving to Oz and moving back to UK too.

 

But who am I more angry at, the family member or my husband now, I just dont know!

 

We know it's a great life it's not Oz and that's all I want for the 3 of us and possibly our daughter, who is now nearly 26.

 

I feel now like i can't mention this again to my husband but I am scared I will start to resent his decision and him.

 

It's basically like waiting for a time bomb to go off but we don't know when, I am in absolute turmoil over my husbands decision.

 

AM I BEING SELFISH????

 

Xxx:arghh::arghh::arghh:

Read some of the wise posts below ....iam afraid " you have made your bed ,and you have to lie in it " .....trust me ,you will NOT be happy in with place.

Let me give you a true story ....i was on a housing estate in the west miss last week ..I got talking to the householder ,he had just come back from 5 years on the gold coast .

I made the mistake as we stood there in the cold of asking " why " ....and he said he had everything ....but he was lonely and missed his family and the nightlife and buzz in the UK .

He's not the story though , his mate came back to the u.k at roughly the same time from the gold coast ...within 3 months ,he said he had enough of the u.k ....hated it ....and went back to the gold coast ...end of story ?.....NO ..he now cant settle on the gold coast and is coming home for good ...BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Guess in the end people matter more than places and if your people are happy in the uk and you are happy with your people- its a no-brainer.

I think some of the posts are a little unkind. True you may have to accept UK future as the most realistic prospect and to try to enjoy the good parts of it for what it is. I still feel sympathy for you though. It's a rock and a hard place but you will only drive yourself mad dwelling on it. ( I say this as the wife of an Aussie who is and always has been desperately unhappy in the UK - we are moving later this year but in reality should've moved 10 yrs ago but events conspired against us. My husband feels like he has wasted his life ....I do try to remind him that he's not totally ancient at 36!!)

I think some of the posts are a little unkind. True you may have to accept UK future as the most realistic prospect and to try to enjoy the good parts of it for what it is. I still feel sympathy for you though. It's a rock and a hard place but you will only drive yourself mad dwelling on it. ( I say this as the wife of an Aussie who is and always has been desperately unhappy in the UK - we are moving later this year but in reality should've moved 10 yrs ago but events conspired against us. My husband feels like he has wasted his life ....I do try to remind him that he's not totally ancient at 36!!)

36 is a mere pup! (Same age as me!)

I also think some of the posts are a little harsh but I agree with the main points. Emotionally and financially moving north and south is costly and stressful. There needs to come a time when enough is enough or you may be paying the consequences further down the line. If I had to plan a move back in my mid forties I'd be a little concerned to be honest from a finanicial point of view.

Bloody hell wattsy ,your wife sounds like mine ......from someone who has done it ,its not all plain sailing I can assure .

Just prepare yourself for it .....i have had to learn total self reliance ,even more than in oz .

There are times over the last 20 years ,without my work ethic ,and equally my wife's work ethic and wisdom ,we wouldn't have made it .

Being back home requires a different tool kit .....you wont have the homesickness obviosly ,but I think the u.k ,in the main ,is a tougher nut to crack

Why do you say that?

I decided to move back to UK as it wasn't the same without our eldest 2. It was a very hard decision as I wanted to be back in Oz so much and I made the decision when I was feeling down.

You don't sound like you are in a great place now either. So why would this decision be the right one?

I...I do try to remind him that he's not totally ancient at 36!!)

:laugh: Tell him to hang in there....the best part of my life started at 38 (coincidentally in north west Tassie). :wubclub:

:jimlad:

:laugh: Tell him to hang in there....the best part of my life started at 38 (coincidentally in north west Tassie). :wubclub:

9months and counting! :wubclub:

HI Scottiegirl, thanks for your reply.

The decision for me to return to UK was quite simple, my son gave me a gorgeous grandchild, so it was a no brainer. It was our only reason for returning because he would Skype us with his little girl sitting on his lap and I wanted to be part of her life, I missed not seeing her in person.

However, we feel cheated out of returning because our son has turned out to be selfish, uncaring and we hardly see him, despite living not even 1 minute away, he has also had a son too since our return. We have had many fall outs as we never or hardly get included in their lives now we are back. To this day, we cannot understand why it is like this, although his girlfriend has the say in everything and what she says, goes. Everything is all about her family, not ours, and he goes along with it. We have so much love to give to our grandchildren and we are not even allowed to pop round unless an appointment is made. He promises things and is always letting us down, not only us, but other family members too. My parents even moved into the area to be a part of their lives and they feel left out too.

So, you can get the jist of things and why I feel like I do. If we knew it was going to be like this we wouldn't have come back, but none of us have a crystal ball, so I have this situation right under my nose.

Our daughter, who is nearly 26, has been wonderful and if we ever return to Oz she said she will come too this time. But we will have to wait and see what the future holds.

I think you're angry with yourself and feel your husband took advantage of your vulnerability when you made the decision to move back to the UK.

Having said that, you can't expect everyone to upsticks and pack their life away when you say.

You need a shift of focus. Stop the blame and beating yourself up and enjoy the holiday you are able to have.

You are making your family feel they are not enough and it's not what you want. Embrace what you have. Throw yourself into a project that brings you back into the here and now and allow yourself to enjoy being with family and friends.

Allow yourself to just be.

I wish you good luck x

Sent from my SM-A500FU using Tapatalk

HI Scottiegirl, thanks for your reply.

 

The decision for me to return to UK was quite simple, my son gave me a gorgeous grandchild, so it was a no brainer. It was our only reason for returning because he would Skype us with his little girl sitting on his lap and I wanted to be part of her life, I missed not seeing her in person.

 

However, we feel cheated out of returning because our son has turned out to be selfish, uncaring and we hardly see him, despite living not even 1 minute away, he has also had a son too since our return. We have had many fall outs as we never or hardly get included in their lives now we are back. To this day, we cannot understand why it is like this, although his girlfriend has the say in everything and what she says, goes. Everything is all about her family, not ours, and he goes along with it. We have so much love to give to our grandchildren and we are not even allowed to pop round unless an appointment is made. He promises things and is always letting us down, not only us, but other family members too. My parents even moved into the area to be a part of their lives and they feel left out too.

 

So, you can get the jist of things and why I feel like I do. If we knew it was going to be like this we wouldn't have come back, but none of us have a crystal ball, so I have this situation right under my nose.

 

Our daughter, who is nearly 26, has been wonderful and if we ever return to Oz she said she will come too this time. But we will have to wait and see what the future holds.

You're not doing yourself any favours hon.