Relationship breakdown - advice needed

Hello everyone, just looking at getting some advice and support around a relationship breakdown. We've been together just over 7 years and in Australia for 5. We bought a house together a couple of years ago with the intention of renovating it - partner's a carpenter. Things haven't exactly gone to plan and we have a house that is half gutted and in a bit of credit card debt. My partner is having a huge meltdown over this and threatening to walk away. He is also getting pretty verbally abusive. The relationship is pretty much over and I now need to do things to ensure that financially and emotionally I come out as well as I can. My questions are

1. What protection do I have if he just walks away from the mortgage.

2. The car that I drive is under his name but I am listed on the insurance. Can he use that to prevent me from driving it to work etc

3. We have a couple of dogs. Where do I legally stand in taking one while he keeps the other

I have scheduled appointments with a lawyer and have already started seeing a counsellor as I'm definitely going to need both, just thought that I'd throw questions out there. We have both recently become citizens so that's not an issue and we don't have kids Thank God! but things are definitely going to get harder in the next bit

Thank you in advance, Nikki

Sorry to hear your news.

With the mortgage, is it in joint names? Is the house owned jointly?

The car is his. The insurance is irrelevant, so yes, he could prevent you using it or simply sell it.

The dogs are property and you will either have to come to an agreement - the same as the rest of your property, or ask the courts to decide.

I would urge urge you to see if he will attend relationship counselling. This isn't to save the relationship, but can be very good at helping you both transition and come to the most amicable split possible which saves money effort and lots of pain by putting it all through the courts.

Thank you very much for the information. The house and mortgage are in both our names, that's why I want to get some legal advice. The idea of relationship counselling is a good one to make it as easy of a break up as possible. I will definitely try but he hasn't been keen to do it when we started having problems, so not sure if he will Thanks again for taking the time to reply

If you are agreed that the relationship is over, then the first step is mediation. Relationships Australia provide this service. Mediation is about working out a practical way of going your separate ways. There are no children involved so you are basically just splitting up Assets (Stuff) and Liabilities and try to be practical and fair and keep the emotion out of it.

Australia operates a No Fault divorce policy so once you are separated for a year, you get your divorce.

Are you sure it isn't simply the stress of debt that is altering his personality? He may have more debt or problems than he is letting on.

A friend of of mine had a very similar issue to yours with a half done house and partner behaving badly. Turned out he had developed a gambling problem on line. He was extremely stressed and felt he was alone and failing her. His guilt made him aggressive and defensive. It all came pouring out one night and they are still together 5 years on. It wasn't easy and they still owe money but the relationship is strong.

maybe if he could be persuaded to go to counselling or get a mate to talk to him?

Thank you - I do suspect that there is an element of depression by how he talks about it. I have asked him to get counselling or talk to a friend but he doesn't think it will help. I have asked him to see a doctor but he won't do it. A common friend has sent him a message to let him know that he can talk to him about it, but he hasn't responded. And in the interim, he is ignoring me or yelling at me to F off and leave him alone, has threatened to walk away or burn down the house. So I'm really not sure what to do. He still gets into bed every night and in his sleep cuddles up around me but in the morning as soon as he is awake turns over and ignores me. I can't help him if he doesn't want the help and I really need to figure out what I need to do

Hello everyone, just looking at getting some advice and support around a relationship breakdown. We've been together just over 7 years and in Australia for 5. We bought a house together a couple of years ago with the intention of renovating it - partner's a carpenter. Things haven't exactly gone to plan and we have a house that is half gutted and in a bit of credit card debt. My partner is having a huge meltdown over this and threatening to walk away. He is also getting pretty verbally abusive. The relationship is pretty much over and I now need to do things to ensure that financially and emotionally I come out as well as I can. My questions are

 

1. What protection do I have if he just walks away from the mortgage.

2. The car that I drive is under his name but I am listed on the insurance. Can he use that to prevent me from driving it to work etc

3. We have a couple of dogs. Where do I legally stand in taking one while he keeps the other

 

I have scheduled appointments with a lawyer and have already started seeing a counsellor as I'm definitely going to need both, just thought that I'd throw questions out there. We have both recently become citizens so that's not an issue and we don't have kids Thank God! but things are definitely going to get harder in the next bit

 

Thank you in advance, Nikki

Sorry to hear this, it sounds like you are going about this the right way getting the help you need. Mediation is definitely the way forward, I have had quite a few friends go through this.

If he stops paying the mortgage then unless you do something the house will be re-possessed, sold and any profit divided between you.

The 'something' is to pay the mortgage yourself, keep very detailed records and proof and when assets are divided this should be taken into account. Or if that's not possible then negotiate with the mortgage company for a a 'payment holiday' and get the house sold asap - again the proceeds after paying the arrears would be split.

If there is no equity in the house then potentially having it repossessed is probably the only option anyway unless you can afford to keep it and finish the renovations.

I disagree with VS, as you are married the car is legally half yours regardless of who it is registered to & will be divided like everything else - where couples have two cars usually they just agree to keep the one they drive unless there is a large value discrepancy.

I don't think they are married Lady Rainicorn, she uses the word partner rather than husband and states the time they have been in a relationship rather than married. If he owns the car he could go out and sell it tomorrow and there is nothing that can be done about it. Even if married he could do the same. Certainly she could then try and use that in the divorce settlement by claiming it was a joint asset but as she sits now she cannot claim any ownership of it.

Nikkidylan, regarding the mortgage, as joint you are both individually 100% liable so as has been said, If it's not paid in full it will go into default and you will lose it. Certainly worth speaking to the lender and once financial matters between you and partner are sorted out one of you can buy the other out and continue the mortgage subject to affordability. You will be assessed on a new application using just your income. If it's a no then sadly it will have to be sold. I have no idea about the dogs but think it will be unfair if they are separated and should really stay together if possible. I wish you the best of luck with what will be a difficult time. Keep reminding yourself there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you - I do suspect that there is an element of depression by how he talks about it. I have asked him to get counselling or talk to a friend but he doesn't think it will help. I have asked him to see a doctor but he won't do it. A common friend has sent him a message to let him know that he can talk to him about it, but he hasn't responded. And in the interim, he is ignoring me or yelling at me to F off and leave him alone, has threatened to walk away or burn down the house. So I'm really not sure what to do. He still gets into bed every night and in his sleep cuddles up around me but in the morning as soon as he is awake turns over and ignores me. I can't help him if he doesn't want the help and I really need to figure out what I need to do

Sorry to hear about your situation.

FWIW that sounds like this is a situation that he is angry / depressed when he is up and about which may point to the debt / renovation issues. I was not a cheery bloke in 2015 when my work situation was stressful.

Motley Fool used to to a great DWD board, but that was scrapped recently, which I was sad about as it had provided really helpful advice to me earlier in life. Some incredibly helpful senior posters then started a new forum, http://www.lemonfool.co.uk so might be worth having a look. I know it's a UK site, but a lot of the principles of DWD and having a place to air them is incredibly helpful.

Hope that this can help!

Thank you everyone for your replies. He has just informed me this morning that he is going to sell the car and walk away from the house and I can do what I want with it. Probably too late for him to get support but just highlights that I need to figure out my legal and financial items.

What makes it extremely difficult is that the house is half gutted, by my partner, as he was going to do the renovations. It is not in sell-able condition whatsoever and I would need to put in tens of thousands of dollars to even get it up to sell-able condition.

All the previous responses offer excellent insight into how to cope with this terrible situation.

May I offer some further advice for your more immediate protection. This is based on over thirty years working in emergency and critical care. You may see it as overkill, I see it as the work I know I will be doing when I work the Australia Day shifts Thursday-Sunday this week.

Domestic Violence almost always escalates. You need a Domestic Violence Safety Plan now. There are several very good websites that explain how to establish one. See: https://www.1800respect.org.au/get-help/staying-safe-understanding-safety-planning/ as an example of how to develop one, or Google Domestic Violence Safety Plan from a secure computer. Briefly you need: a practiced method of rapid egress from your current home and place of work to a secure short term, safe location; you need a a "go bag" with clothing, toiletries, personal hygiene products, an amount of cash or an active ATM card to an account that your partner cannot secure (financial control is power), and consider a charged pay-as-you-go mobile phone with charger. These must not be stored at your accommodation, but rather at a secure 24 hour accessible location.

You need secure communication access. Make sure you have a secure smartphone, email address and internet access. Does your partner have access to this account? Does he know you contribute to this discussion forum? Is this likely to trigger him into another level of violent action? If there is someone with whom you communicate for support consider doing this with a secure messaging service via a secure smartphone, but keep the notifications quiet (private notifications that he becomes aware of are only likely to increase his level of suspicion and risks triggering escalation). Services such as Telegram, Wickr, etc offer this. Make sure you have access via the go-bag smartphone or from a public PC.

If safe to do so. Put your smartphone on voice record during episode of DV for evidence. Secure these recordings at another location as soon as possible.

If you have current employment consider discussing this with your supervisor if the work culture is supportive of DV victims. Your work performance is likely to suffer, temporarily. Your employer may even have DV leave (Queensland Health does) of this becomes necessary. If the work culture is likely to be punitive come up with a legitimate excuse for going missing at no notice now, should it become necessary.

If the DV becomes physical calling the police is only likely to get you a lights and sirens response if a weapon is involved (certainly in Queensland). Consider the risk and rescue implications of this. I have known some DV victims call 000 for a fire service response, stating fire or smell of smoke. This will get you 2-4 people with lights and sirens. But I cannot advocate this as a stratgey. Not unreasonably the fire service are not enamoured of this being a reason to be called. But...

Ambulance will always respond, but if a violent person is suspected to be present they will call police to respond before they attend.

If you need emergency care go to an Emergency Department. If it is likely that you are being pursued tell them at triage that the assailant is in pursuit, and tell them that you need immediate protection.

ALWAYS report DV to police, both as a crime and as evidence for court, get the police report number.

While police and Emergency Departments are getting much better these days, regrettably at times both lack compassion and ability to offer all of the assistance a DV victim may need. Use them for what they can offer, and weather the frustrations placed in your way. The access to social workers in ED varies widely. Some like the one I work in have about 10 hours a day, seven days a week. It is not uncommon not to have any SW support in some states.

If you think that your partner is acutely mentally ill you can call police or ambulance for emergency mental health evaluation. If there is an mmediate risk.to self or others they are empowered to take him to an ED for evaluation - it is often not pretty. If you think he is resistant to mental health care, yet needs help each state has a local option of a judicial examination order. Thís is usually a seven day response time by an acute mental health practitioner.

Talk to your legal counsel about the legal ramifications of leaving your joint accomodation voluntarily.

The most common causes for male on female DV are: financial distress (gambling, loss of work, poor financial management, etc); drug use (including marijuana); and extramarital affairs. They are often heralded by either or both partners having observed DV in their parents relationship. Regrettably there is evidence that people "choose" partners likely to replicate either perpetrator or victim if that is their experience or observation. If this is you or your partner, being aware of this could assist in your recovery and future relationships.

You should expect a 3-5 year recovery period from relationship dissolution.

Hope some of this helps, and good luck.

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If you have the stamina, I suggest you consider approaching a builder to offer an estimation of cost for the property to be completed "for sale", or "for rent" if you are interested in keeping it. This could be very different from the cost of your forever house. You may well find that paying a builder a couple of hundred dollars would reap many 10s to 100s of thousands in the long term, with a moderate investment by you.

Alternatively, all property has a price, it depends whether the vendor accepts it!

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You may think your house is unsellable but many buy a 'needs doing up' house so it's not impossible to sell. As you are living there it must be what's considered habital and therefore buyers will be able to get a mortgage on it. I think you should make the lender aware of the situation and get the property valued. Of course you cannot sell it without your partner agreeing to sell it so you need to get some legal advise regarding that if he is not contactable/won't talk. Best of luck and chin up.

The car you can take but you may need to hide it somewhere so he can't take it back. He will need to go to the police and provide evidence that the car is his, rego etc doesn't come in to it. For example my son stole my car and went off for the week, when he returned to his house we went around and took it back, he called the police and reported it stolen. A few weeks later we went in to Qld Transport to sort out the rego. They advised us that they couldn't do anything with the car and we had to attend the police station to prove it was ours. Even though we had rego in our name and receipts to say where we purchased it they wouldn't do anything. We went to the police station and they said if we could prove that we paid for it out of our own money and my son hadn't paid anything towards it then we could claim back ownership of the car. It was a very stressful time, thankfully my son admitted he stole the car so the police were fine about it.

'So basically if you took the car and parked it where he couldn't access it he would need to prove he paid 100% of the car and to be honest I'm presuming you would be entitled to half anyway so I think he would need to take it through the courts or solicitors. The same with the dogs and any other possessions. You can take them with you but once the lawyers get involved they may work it out differently.

In regards to the house, I don't know if you have any equity in it, if so you could see if you can borrow against doing it up for sale. Another option is if it is liveable you could rent off a room to a handyman in return for them working to do it up. Some backpackers even offer services like that. Do you want to stay in the house or move out? Will you stay in Australia?

To be honest I think your partner is very depressed and is feeling worthless and realises he has taken too much on. I think it's going to be down to you to help him get out of this mess if you feel your relationship is worth saving.

Ive been in a very serious domestic violence relationship and usually my advice would be to get out and let them chase you for any mortgage debt, remember they can't get blood out of a stone and your safety comes first. However, in your case it sounds like your partner is needing emotional help. I know when I've been very ill my husband gets very depressed and that's because he feels helpless.

Maybe write a letter to your partner, I say write as it's easier sometimes than trying to talk as it just ends up in an argument, explain you can't go on anymore and if he doesn't get help you will have no choice but to leave as you can't live like this. Also jot down any ideas and a number of options for a way out of your situation.

Good luck, it isn't a nice situation to be in.

Hugs

Hi Nikki

So sorry to hear about your troubles. Would your partner be willing to sign his half of the house over to you? Could you afford the mortgage if he did? Then sell, if only to keep your name from being blacklisted. I really hope you get things sorted. Hugs