Moral dilemma: To go to a funeral or not..

I'm an expat mother of a 3yr old. My best friend back home in the UK is seriously ill with only days left. I have emailed a letter and feel comfortable that I've said goodbye and accept I won't see her again.

However, I have a moral dilemma. It's not practical to take my young child over just now as we are booked to go over for a holiday in a few months. Two return UK trips so close together I feel is too much, especially given that we wouldn't be there long.

Therefore do I a) go it alone on an express visit leaving my young child on the other side of the world which upsets me greatly or b) miss the funeral of my best friend which also upsets me greatly.

I'm incredibly torn and welcome any advice/ experience so I can make a decision.

Thanks in advance.

Hi Scotty,

I am so sorry I hear of your loss, it is one of the hardest parts of being a migrant but then again I was unable to go to the funeral of a very close friend even though I was in the UK at the time because I was a teacher & it was term time & a close friend is not considered reason enough for compassionate leave.

You said this is a moral dilemma but I'm not sure what the morality is you are contemplating. It sounds more like either option will upset you so hard though it is, which will upset you the least?

Who would your 3 year old be left with? Why does this upset you? My son is 13 now and really since he was born I've taken trips away, either weekends with friends or business travel - never more than 3 nights I admit but had I been in your position I would not have been concerned leaving my son but that's because whenever I'm away he's with his dad (my husband). Plenty of my friends are single parents and their children will go away with their dad's for a week or even more - not saying it's easy for them but it's not harmful to their children - in fact the very opposite.

Attending a funeral is a very personal thing - I'm not religious but circumstances allowing I would want to be there. I would not feel guilty if I didn't go though, nor would I concern myself with what others would think - in any case I do not think anyone would judge you for not travelling from the other side of the world.

So I would say if you want to go to the funeral because it will be beneficial to you & dealing with your grief then go, providing there is someone you trust to look after your child.

Don't go because it is 'expected' of you or if you have genuine reason to be worried about leaving your child.

Not sure that helps and I am sorry you are in this situation.

Thanks for your reply Lady.

My child would stay with my husband( the father) so no concerns regarding safety. If I'm honest, I think I feel I can say goodbye from afar. Half our friendship has been on opposite sides of the globe so why not our goodbye. I guess I feel it's expected of me even though I know the family wouldn't 'hold it against' me.

The thought of being so far away from my child for probably 5 days just doesn't sit well. I'm not a clingy mother, I just can't bear the thought because of the distance.

I do need to weigh up which is the least upsetting. I'm sure once I get 'The phone call' all will become clearer.

Thanks for your response.

We lost a number of people during our time in Oz. My daughter, mother and my wife's father. We went to all and very glad we did. I did contemplate not going to my mums for financial reasons, but very glad I did as it helps give closure.

I think in this case your priority if the comfort and care of your child.

I would say B)

Here in Ireland, there are options to live stream funerals now, or even have them recorded.

http://funeralslive.ie/services/

In person attendance isn't always possible - you could have a small ceremony yourself while watching the stream / video.

B

I missed many funerals when I was in Australia and never gave a thought to attending one. If I didn't return for family I wouldn't have done it for friends. Only you can know but your friend will be beyond caring and you can say goodbye wherever you are just as well. Some people are a bit taken aback that my son won't be here for my mum's funeral but my parents always said not to bother (to me!!!)

I'm sorry that you are about to lose a friend, that's tough, but it was your friendship in life that mattered to her.

Sorry you are facing the dilemma, I'm sure everyone in the UK will understand and if you have communicated with people to share their sorrows then a nice floral tribute would show your feelings and you can visit when you visit later in the year.

Thanks for all your kind words and phrases and for sharing your thoughts.

Interesting you mention the live streaming Beaty. I feel that if this is an option I would be comfortable in taking it. We have/had a very strong relationship despite distance for a number of years. We have even watched rugby matches together on Skype. Being a part of it without physically being there would be the best option. I'm close enough to the family that once the time comes I will find out more and see if it's possible. I could write something to be read out. That too would be comforting.

My husband said "you have to do what's right for you and her. Only you can decide" . He's right. What's right and works for one person may not be right for another and vice versa. I'm just interested in what others did in a similar situation which will hopefully help me make the one that's right for me.

Democracy, you mention my trip later in the year. My mother said that her family will probably appreciate my visit more so then than now.

I do not envy your decision. Loss is a hard thing.

Take into consideration the weather forecast in UK also, if the blizzard of 2017 hits when you will be ther the chaos of travel may impact you getting to and from where you may be going roads and rail as well as air.

Said perfectly Quoll

It's a personal choice. Only you will know if you will regret not going. I lost my dad a few weeks after arriving last year and couldn't go to the funeral. I sent a floral tribute but looking back I wish I had found a way to go as I am struggling to accept that he is gone. Maybe you could have a memorial here? Spend a little time talking to those who knew her etc.

Sent from my HTC One M9 using Tapatalk

Very sorry for your impending loss. It must be very hard.

My grandmother died 15 months ago at the ripe old age of 101. For financial and leave reasons it would have been very difficult for me to go to the funeral. Also, I know that she would not have wanted me to (in her words) "waste the money" on the cost of attending. Instead, my cousin set up a video camera and recorded the service as his sister (lives in San Franciso) was also unable to attend. My father also made a sound recording of the service. In the end, I listened to the sound recording (sent electronically) the day after the funeral and that was enough closure for me. I lay quietly in the bedroom with the door locked and had a good cry listening to the service.

In 1990, I was on a 4 month Student Exchange to the USSR when my other grandmother who I was very close to died quite suddenly. It took my parents two days to get a message to me as they could not call me direct due to poor Cold War telephone communications and had to phone the British Embassy in Moscow to get them to call me to give me the news. It would have been nigh on impossible for me to return for the funeral. As it happened, some Aussie cousins were in the UK at the time and attended the funeral. Not being particularly close to my grandmother they took a number of photographs of the funeral service and grave/flowers which I was able to look at when I returned to the UK which helped with closure.

At the end of the day, it is very much down to how you feel. All the best.

Lucy

Thanks Lucy. Intetesting you mention the taping of the service. I feel that if this was an option i would take it. Given the distance during our friendship i see saying goodbye from afar very fitting. I would like to somehow feel im there. I wont know if this is possible until details come out.

This is by far the hardest decision ive had to make in the 8yrs ive lived here.

Where do you draw the line? If you have a number of older friends / relatives then it is possible that you will have a few of these decisions to make.

If you go to this one then other people will take it very badly if you miss a different funeral even if it is not practical for you (costs / time etc).

It annoys me when people post questions etc, people respond but the person doesn't ever say what the end result was.

Earlier today my best friend passed away back in the UK. Her mother called to tell me. She told me "dont even think about getting on a plane. You dont need to be in a room of people to show how much you care. We know you loved her". So, im not going to the funeral but i will be writing something that will get read out. When im back later in the year we will do something together as a memorial.

I feel comfortable with this. I will do my own thing here on the day of her funeral.

Thank you all for your advice and for sharing your experiences

X

It annoys me when people post questions etc, people respond but the person doesn't ever say what the end result was.

Earlier today my best friend passed away back in the UK. Her mother called to tell me. She told me "dont even think about getting on a plane. You dont need to be in a room of people to show how much you care. We know you loved her". So, im not going to the funeral but i will be writing something that will get read out. When im back later in the year we will do something together as a memorial.

I feel comfortable with this. I will do my own thing here on the day of her funeral.

Thank you all for your advice and for sharing your experiences

X

Thank you so much, I do appreciate knowing how things worked out for people. So, so sorry for your loss but I am glad you have found a way of negotiating your grief that you are at peace with xx