Advice needed on whether to move back

Hi,

We moved to Melbourne with our 13 yr old son in October 2016. It wasn't our first choice as we would rather have been in Queensland. He has started school and is really struggling to settle. He has recently said that he doesn't like the school or the kids there. He is a sociable teen who just enjoys going out, playing football and being on his games console. He had a large friendship circle before we moved and acquired this quickly as we had already moved within the Uk. My experience so far of the children he is interacting with is that they don't go out and do the things that kids would do in the UK. We moved for the lifestyle however there is no point to any of this if his social life is non existent and he spends all his free time with us.

we now have the difficult decision of moving back to the Uk fairly quickly , moving his school within Melbourne or waiting for a few months and relocating to Queensland. All of which carry their own risks. I know that he has just settled on moving back but this feels wrong as we have been here such a short while.

Any advice or experience would be appreciated.

Hi Alex. Sorry to hear. It's tough enough without having to worry that the kids haven't settled straight away. I had a similar 12 year old, who cried a few months into being in Oz but she settled in a little after and now she is 21 and would never live anywhere else. Give it a little more time before you make any drastic decisions.

Good luck x

If it has only been about 1 month or 2 I don't think that is anywhere near long enough to make an assessment.

I wouldn't change schools so quickly if I was you and would persevere.

Time wise, you've moved when schools are in the middle of exams and then slowing down for Xmas. If he likes football, then look at the clubs in your area, most (if it's like WA) will be commencing their pre-season trainings sometime this month or early next month and you'll find that he's training a couple of times a week and a game at the weekend.

I think after only 2 months it may be too early to say re the school, unless there is something quite damming that's occurred (remember he joined at the very end of the year).

Hi,

Thank you. It has only been a short time I agree. I just thought that maybe we had picked the wrong area/school. He has already joined a very expensive football team and likes the children there. I think he's at an age where he was growing his independence in the Uk and the kids he has met just aren't at the same stage.

perhaps if you say what the things are that kids in the uk do that kids in oz that he knows dont do people might be able to offer some ideas to help with that aspect. if he is into sports he should have his choice of clubs & activities where you live.

as a teacher though i can tell you kids at his age can think the world is ending one minute & be fine the next so i wouldnt be doing anything rash. i think it is critical for kids to learn resilience as well so for that reason alone i wouldnt be switching schools so quickly either. he may have made friends quickly in the past but it doesnt always work out that way & he hasnt been at the school very long or given things a fair chance. i dont think it would be helpful in the long run to teach him to cut & run if things dont fall into his lap. it is hard to do this as a parent who loves a child but it is a critical life lesson.

Yes whilst I agree I'm conscious of his age and that if it doesn't work in 12 months he may then have to repeat a yr in th Uk due to GCSE. He's used to just hanging out with his mates. Going to the park and messing around really.

You definitely need to try and give it atleast 12 months ( easier said than done) probably not the best age to move a highly sociable Teenager but that's life. Try getting him into a local football team etc and then he may pick up a few mates that you live near. I have found the kids here different to my own childhood ( I sound like your lad ) and probably would of been bored here but who knows if I would of adapted?? When I first came here in 97 I met my 4 cousins for the first time, 2 of them about 10-12yrs old and very early on realised they didn't have much in the way of friends and mostly hung around the house which I thought odd comparing to my own childhood but just seemed to be " the norm" here.

Give it a good go is all I can say. Good luck.

I'd have to agree with Ali in that it's a really bad time to arrive just before school holidays , it just doesn't give time for those friendships to gel before the holidays . Lots of people go away for holidays and here where I live anyway you won't find teenagers standing around on street corners in groups, they tend to hang at each other's houses. I know I had 5 here on two days last week, feeding an army of five thousand springs to mind :laugh: I'd say stick with the sports, start the new school year and reevaluate in say six months.

I agree with other comments in that he just fits the 'tough age to move' bracket, pair this with arriving late in the year so not having that many school weeks to settle in, i think you need to tell him to hang fire and give it more time.

Finding sports club he is into should give him a good head start for the new year, watch for the 'sign on' signs popping up,letting you know clubs are recruiting, they seem to appear this time of year.

If things dont improve by the end of Term 1 ,maybe have a chat to some teachers and see if they can advise anything. I found the teachers very helpful when my son was having issues.

Good Luck with everything

Cal x

Yes whilst I agree I'm conscious of his age and that if it doesn't work in 12 months he may then have to repeat a yr in th Uk due to GCSE. He's used to just hanging out with his mates. Going to the park and messing around really.

well that sounds fairly normal except where we are they are messing around at the beach or at each others houses. my kids a little but there are young teenagers next door & i saw a rather largish group of them just arrive there. it looked like they had been to the beach & were planning to raid the pantry & fridge next door ha ha.

i think he just needs time to find his feet which im sure he will do with your encouragement.

He's used to just hanging out with his mates. Going to the park and messing around really.

That cannot realistically be recreated or achieved in a couple of months of an end of year at a new school in a new country. It takes a bit of time and effort to build things up. Kids here often hang out at each others houses. We have a pool table in our garage/shed and friends of ours have similar and basketball hoops set up, games consoles and stuff. And kids are in and out of each others houses to hang out. Heading to the beach, into the city and so on is also done.

I agree with the others, the timing of the move, the summer holidays kicking in and so on all don't help towards him settling in. If the school is really causing red flags I'd be considering elsewhere but if its more that your son is just needing to form friendships and find his feet within the school then I'd persevere. Teens can be very difficult making big moves. We moved when I was 14, only to a new part of the UK, a couple of hours away from where I had grown up and I thought the world was ending and hated it the first year or so. I was miserable and didn't want to make it work really. End of the day, we were not moving back and I formed new friendships, settled and was happy there.

If you had all really wanted to be in QLD then I'd consider moving there if the opportunity arrises and there is work for you. I don't see any point staying somewhere if you are all unhappy or not liking it and would rather be elsewhere in the country. You migrated for a life in Aus and if there is work in QLD where you really wanted to be, I'd be looking at it as a move onwards.

With regards to clubs and sports, we've found it a great way to get to know people and kids to make friends. If the timing is out a bit as in its the off season then you need to be patient and wait for the pre season and season to start to know if it is going to work for you.

You say your son has just settled on moving back so he has himself probably gotten into a mindset of its not working and perhaps he's not going to try to make it work. I'd not be rushing back so soon if it were me, a few months its impossible to know unless you all really hated it from the off and didn't want to be there at all. And as I already said, if QLD was your first choice then I'd be trying to make a go of it there and taking the months in Melbourne as a learning curve and to be more prepared as to what it might take and what to expect moving there this time. And to realise that Aus is going to be different and that it can take some effort from everyone involved in adapting, settling in and beginning to call it home. You've got to embrace it, appreciate it isn't going to be like the UK and it will be different here and put some hard yards in to making a go of it. If its something you really want and you enjoy Aus, all being well it will work for you. If for some reason or other you don't like it, find it impossible to settle and want to move back, you'll move back. But after only a few months you don't seem to be unsure other than its Melbourne where you didn't really want to be and your son hasn't made friends or built a social circle yet. If that is reason enough to move back and be ok with it all, make the move.

FWIW our lifestyle is one we are very happy with here. It is active, outdoorsy and our son (while younger) has made friends and hangs out with them at their homes, they come here, they go places (with parents accompanying still) and so on. And as he gets older those things will continue to expand and grow I am sure. I know older kids who have built good friendships and as teens are very happy here. But it takes effort and setbacks can happen, its how you cope with them, work with them, resolve them, that is what will probably make the difference as to if you remain in Aus or return.

Thanks for your replies. He is resilient and made friends really easily when we moved within the uk. We would be happy wherever he was settled as we wanted the experience and to see Australia. He has made friends but they are just not his type of kids and don't seem to go out. He was due to start Yr 9 in the uk but made the decision to go back a year when we got here as he would be younger than yr 9's here. They have put him in a special group as a result so he is more challenged academically. I'm not sure that this is best for him as he needs to mix with kids that are on his own wavelength. At home there was just a massive gaggle of them and he was out doing stuff requiring no planning at all. I feel that school are more concerned with his achievement rather than socially.

Don't want to put a downer on it, but we 'kind of' moved for our son. He doesn't really make friends easy, but things weren't so great in the UK (2008) at school mostly.

We came here and he was 13 as well. Had a few close friends. When asked about moving said he wasn't bothered.

He made a couple of friends, but they didn't do much. Quit his swimming, cricket and playing cello - which he was doing in the UK

Anyway, he started wagging school, dropped out at year 10, quit tafe (year 11) and has quit 2 apprenticeships. He is 21 now

Only has 2 mates from school and in the last 6 months has stopped doing anything, just sits in his bedroom every day.

We think he is depressed, but we can't get through to him and he won't help himself. The more we push, the more he retreats or pushes back.

Trying to engage or be gentle and understanding doesn't work, nor does attempting to be strict - he spends no money, only removing internet is left.

Punishment is not necessarily helpful in this situation

He is bright and intelligent, but seems to have given up.

Wife is a nurse and has talked with people in healthcare. But due to his age, it is up to him to start things moving unless things get far more serious.

Who knows how things would have happened in the UK. But I personally regret the move with regards to how he has turned out (though don't regret the move generally).

Too late to go back to the UK for his benefit, on a visit it was obvious he had grown apart from the friends he had. He also said he doesn't want to move again and lose the last couple of mates he has got.

I want to move to QLD and I am in Brisbane now, we put it off before because of his issues, but we do have our lives to consider as well.

I am hoping wife and son will move up here and the change will get things working again, but do worry that it will go further downwards.

Maybe if we went back straight away he may have picked up with his old mates, or things would have turned out better, but we wouldn't have sent him back to his old school.

Also I think he has that typical 'teenager' attitude we probably all know about (as parents anyway). Unfortunately despite everybody telling us he would/will grow out of it, he hasn't yet and we really worry about it.

I'd say that these things take time. 2 of my kids went through a tough time when we first moved (the 1st 3 months), where it seemed to get bad, before it got better. Obviously it's maybe too generalised advice, and every school is different, but I think persevering for a year or so would be a good idea. things can't stay like this for too long.

Many kids at the school may already have friends, so it's not always easy to get involved in groups that are already formed. Given time, things should work out.

Things like 'going on camp' with school and any situation where they are kind of forced to engage seemed to help ours. they love it now and have great friends here, but it took 18 months to get there.

I agree that it hasn't been long enough to make a concrete decision. We've lived in Aus for a while, but we moved suburbs last year at the end of school, as we had bought a house. It meant both kids had to change schools - one to a new primary school, and one starting year 7. It was particularly hard on the then 12yo, as it meant that she wasn't starting hs with any of the friends she had from primary. But that's the way it had to be. I'm going to stick my neck out slightly and say that, whilst we all want the best for our kids, and we spent a lot of time finding an area where we could afford to buy, but also had a good high school, at the end of the day the decision was ours. If you tell kids that you will uproot your whole life just because they are a little unsettled or unhappy, then, particularly at this age, this is what they will choose to do. Sometimes it is actually easier on them if they realise that this is life, and they need to make it work. Giving them too many options can be counter-productive some times.

Of course, I am not talking about major issues such as bullying, or where children are clinically depressed, and need medical assistance, and in those circumstances different solutions need to be found. But if its just a settling issue, then definitely give it more time. I agree with the earlier responses that it is a difficult time with end of school year and holidays, etc. Hopefully once he returns to school for the new year it will improve.

Don't shoot me, but I wonder if he is picking up on your disappointment at ending up in a different city/state than you had hoped?

Whatever you decide I hope it works out for all of you.

I'd say that moving to the other side of the world is hard. It causes stresses which can pop up in all sorts of areas. We've been out here 18 months, and it hasn't all been plain sailing. we've had some great fun, but we've also found certain things pretty hard.

I think for many people, this is normal. Accepting that things are hard makes it feel a bit less stressful in my experience. Things are hard, but extra stressing makes it a lot harder.

My advice is - Decide on a timeframe, which probably should be 2 years. Then if things are bad, get gone.

You'll be right.

What do the rest of you want? If it's niggling at the back of your brains that maybe it was a mistake and that you could reclaim your lives if you moved on now then go. I'm always bemused that people think they HAVE to make a go off it in Australia. Why? If it doesn't float your boat them move on. If you don't move, your son will either get better or he won't, that's a gamble. You never know whether you will find people you gel with and when the cohort is culturally different to start with that can make it tricky. But on balance he goes along for the adult ride and makes the best of it - if it's better for the rest of the family then stay, if it's not, then go but there's nothing in the rule book that says you have to like /settle in Australia, all you've lost is money this far.

I'd agree with what Quoll said, but I'd also look at changing schools. You should be able to do so before the start of the school year. My son was enrolled at a very expensive private school and he was bullied and hated it. He asked to go to the local high school. He made friends immediately and thrived. I'd also add that scouts is quite big here and the kids tend to be inclusive and he might enjoy all the activities they get up to.