A cats/dogs diary

[koalakids]

Following on from the VOD posts, here's another to make you pee yourselves!!

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY Day 983 of my captivity.My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

[kellyjamie]

brilliant, absolutely superb, that was the funniest thing ive read in ages had me in stitches!!!

[koalakids]

Going to the loo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........................

When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of
> women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally
> gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
> Every cubicle is occupied.
> But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down
> the woman leaving the cubicle.
>

> You get in to find the door won't lock. It doesn't matter, the wait
> has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for
> the modern 'seat covers' is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag
> on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't so you carefully, but
> quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume 'the
> position'.

> In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
> You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe
> the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'the position'.
>
> To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach
> for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it's empty, the
> toilet roll dispenser is empty. You hover looking around in the hope there's a
> new roll behind you no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more.
> Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday & shy; the
> one that's still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck &
> shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural
> position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag
> for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.
>
> Someone pushes your door cubicle door and because the latch doesn't
> work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your
> bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the
> door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple
> backwards. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach to push the door
> shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to
> retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on the
> floor.
>
> If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give
> up and... sit down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

> Yes - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
> late.

> Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ
> & life form that lives on the uncovered seat.

> By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
> confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose
> into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers
> your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and
> down into your disheveled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with
> your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
>
> The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you
> grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
> At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and
> the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a
> piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out
> inconspicuously to the sinks.
>
> You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands
> underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin
> itself.
> You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting,
> where of course there are no paper towels so you move onto the hand
> blower, which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!
>
> You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an
> unspoken understanding between you all.
>
> A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you
> have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when
> you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the
> woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this'.
>
> As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used
> and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is
> your handbag hanging around your neck?'
>
> This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It
> also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long
> and it also answers that commonly asked question & shy; Why do women always go
> to the loos in pairs?
> It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass
> you tissue under the door!