This email does the rounds each and every Australia Day. There are slightly different versions of it, and each year it seems to get a few tweaks and upgrades.
Nonetheless, no Australia Day is complete without finding one of these in your inbox!
Thought you guys might like it!
Cheers
Nicole
Quote:
HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!
WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the
occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few
too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live
in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to
bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't
believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo
turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse
races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch
is that "it's livable". At least that's what they think. The
rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato
with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing
queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other
city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi
lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep
the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion
that the family that bonks together stays together. In
Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception.
Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It
holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a
festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the
state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse
country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of
Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand
Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the
Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant.
It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight
saving because if it did all the men would get erections on
the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop
importing convicts and many of them still work there in the
government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback
plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos,
Jackeroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It
also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the
planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content
of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece
of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest
prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland... While any mention of God seems
silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed
sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made
Queensland - it's beautiful one day and perfect the next.
Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's the ACT (Canberra). The least said the
better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose
treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than
murderers. We are united in our lust for international
recognition.
Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie
immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national
phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and
"Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem.
(So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits
suicide??)
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death
toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.
And we're the best in the world at all the sports that
count, like cricket, netball, rugby,AFL, roo-shooting, two-
up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the
tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed
Olympians in the known universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by
lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-
minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel
better for it.
