Homesick

[teesside]

I'm new to poms in Oz and I joined becuase I need advice depserately. I've been in Oz seven years, married to an Aussie and the homesickness is getting worse. It is so bad that I am seriously contemplating a huge upheaval and leaving. My husband can't leave so this is a huge deal. I miss my family so much that I am ill and can't see another cure other than to return to them. Can anyone help? I phone them everday and we have wecams email send photos etc etc but it doesn't replace actually being there. How do I cope?
Thank you

[kdal]

Oh Dear well you can't say that you didnt give it a try, after 7 years!!

Such a shame though. Do you really want to leave your husband behind and come back to the UK??? Are your family and friends more important than the marriage you have? Perhaps they are only you will know the answer to that.

When I first left home and got married I couldn't help but be at my Mums all the time, and it was when we had our first child and our baby was in intensive care that I realised I needed my husband more. The nurse woke me up about 4am to tell me that my son had taken a turn for the worse and I should come to intensive care, the first person I called was my husband. I know some people may think and so it should have been but I did not call my family until I was ready to do so, but it was my husband that I needed by my side and no-body else.

Sorry to have gabbled on abit there but I know what I mean and I hope that you get my drift too!

Good Luck and I hope that you find your way



sorry how rude I forgot to mention 'Welcome to Poms In Oz'

[Quoll]

Welcome!

29 years down and counting!!!

I do know where you are coming from because I am in the same boat. Married to an Aussie but not prepared to leave him after 35 years of trying to train him up. I would go home in a heartbeat if I could but he wont leave and he knows that I wont leave him.

Bottom line for me is that he is more important than where I live - UK without him would not be enough. So, I do a lot of positive self talking, I fake it til I make it with positive talk about Aus (only on forums like this I do allow myself to tell it like it is - most of my acquaintance would not guess the depth of my unhappiness). We budget for me to go home for about a month every year (and the phone bills that arise because of that!) and though I hate leaving my parents (only child) and eldest son (more job opportunities for him in UK) and am really unsettled when I get back I can actually cope this way. Usually I have the next trip well planned in advance.

Does he realize the depths of your despair? My DH was absolutely staggered when we were discussing water restrictions and I said that I couldnt do with shorter showers because I stand and cry in the shower - I dont cry often these days because I have sort of come to terms with it but every now and again it does hit me.

I guess it is up to you to decide whether your marriage is worth fighting for - no one else can sort that out for you but maybe you and your DH would consider marriage counselling?

Now, where is the hugs icon when you need him.

Since being on these boards, I have "met" so many people, especially women, who feel trapped in the same way - perhaps we need a support board of our own!

[teesside]

Thank you both for your openess and honesty. Feeling trapped is the right expression which does sound harsh. My husband is still feeling stunned after my admissions yesterday. I told him if I knew seven years ago what I know and feel now I would have said no to his proposal and gone home. He is slowly coming to understand. He's a typical "she'll be right aussie" and I think that he thought if I don't mention it or he doesn't see me crying, "she's right".
It's not that I don't love him but I can't stand the thought of a future feeling like this. We have two little boys, 2 1/2 and a six week old baby and I am frightened of becoming depressed as I have times of sheer panic at my parents leaving and being so far away. Having the boys has increased the intensity of how I feel to something I'm not sure I can cope with. Mam and dad are here to help and see their grandchildren.

How do you get through the good-bye thing?

I cried when I read that you still cry in the shower. I cry all the time, I hear a song, someone says they are going to their mum's, creche has grandparents day, Christmas, birthdays everyday it doesn't stop.
A support group is a good idea, somewhere to vent feelings and give them words!
Thanks again (I couldn't find the hug icon either)

[EM&M]

Hello and welcome to Poms. Having a baby is such an emotional time which is probably not helping how you are feeling. Where are you living?? I notice your login is Teeside?? Is this Teeside as in the UK? I am from Sunderland, currently living in Gold Coast and have a 1 year old and 3 year old. I know the hardness of the children being without the grandparent and although I am happy here it does break my heart when my daughter asked her nana if she will come to her new house.

Is there any chance of you visiting the Uk for a extended holiday with the children?

Hope things get a little better for you soo.

Em x

[Quoll]

Oh dear! definite hugs to you!!!! Doing it with little kids and babies is tough - when we came here I had a 6 month old baby and we later had a second child and I had absolutely no support network in the area at all - DH's family are 750km away. Added to that, DH was a workaholic student when the kids were little and I was effectively a single parent because he was never home. I absolutely loathed that and went back to uni when DS1 was 1 - that lead to a job which I did for 25 years and being in a job was also a bit of a distraction.

You are probably not in a good place to be making big decisions about your future, so close to your baby's birth. All the hormones that exaggerate any feelings are going to be gushing through your system at the moment and you could probably do worse than to go and chat to your GP and, with him, monitor how you are doing. It is possible that you are having a mix of homesickness and PND and that can be treated. When you have given yourself some time to settle down and get your hormones back into some semblance of normality, then sit down and work out whether you want your marriage and your (not your parents') family to be the main feature of your life or whether where you live is the most important thing.

Now that you have let your DH in on your secret, hopefully you will be able to sit down and work out something together which will help you deal with the distance. You said that he cant leave rather than that he refuses to leave - perhaps there is some "wiggle room" there and now that he knows there may be something that he would consider doing. Mind you, Aussie men are a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to talking about women's emotions, they often need a bit of a clue by 4!

As for waving the aged rellies goodbye - put on a brave face, make a plan for when you will see them again, ensure that you have really good communications for when they get back, start a savings account for your next trip to UK and buy a Tatts lotto ticket.

Congratulations on the new addition to your family BTW!!!

[donovan]

Thank you both for your openess and honesty. Feeling trapped is the right expression which does sound harsh. My husband is still feeling stunned after my admissions yesterday. I told him if I knew seven years ago what I know and feel now I would have said no to his proposal and gone home. He is slowly coming to understand. He's a typical "she'll be right aussie" and I think that he thought if I don't mention it or he doesn't see me crying, "she's right".
It's not that I don't love him but I can't stand the thought of a future feeling like this. We have two little boys, 2 1/2 and a six week old baby and I am frightened of becoming depressed as I have times of sheer panic at my parents leaving and being so far away. Having the boys has increased the intensity of how I feel to something I'm not sure I can cope with. Mam and dad are here to help and see their grandchildren.

How do you get through the good-bye thing?

I cried when I read that you still cry in the shower. I cry all the time, I hear a song, someone says they are going to their mum's, creche has grandparents day, Christmas, birthdays everyday it doesn't stop.
A support group is a good idea, somewhere to vent feelings and give them words!
Thanks again (I couldn't find the hug icon either)

Hey Teesside

where are you living now, and where are you from in Teesside? I am from Oxbridge origanlly, but also lived in Billingham, and down South b4 moving here in August 07

Sarah x

[kdal]

Hi Teeside, CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of your baby Quoll is so right give yourself abit of time and go and visit the Doc, as you have only just had the baby and your mind will be all over the place!

Hope you come through this soon, just get yourself the support that you need and deserve we are not superwomen (although we are alot of the time lol), but when little ones are in toe some friendly faces and people in similar situations help heaps!!!! Is there any mother and baby groups? I know I met my best friend from a mother and baby group (infact met her at anti-natal) over 16 years ago, and will miss her sooo much when (and if) we leave the UK.

Sending you hugs

[koala12]

Hi,
Welcome to PiO and congratulations on the birth of your new baby. I'm sure that just having a baby has probably made you feel even worse than usual as all your hormones are still haywire but I can understand how you feel. I've been here 16 months and I miss my parents and youngest daughter terribly - sometimes I can cope with it but other times it's really bad, particularly at this time of year.I have awful feelings of guilt leaving my parents in UK as they are getting older and also my youngest daughter didn't want to come out with us so obviously feel very torn about that. My husband (2nd marriage) is Australian and has family here and I do actually love living here too, it's just that I miss my own family so much. I guess bottom line is you have to decide what you can live with/without the most. Life is never easy and there are always compromises which have to be made....
I do hope you feel happier soon and make a decision which you feel you can live with long term, meantime best wishes
Karen

[teesside]

I am from Billingham! I lived on Station Road. I still call that home while at the moment I live in country Victoria.
I know that I can't make decisions quickly and need to settle down. I will talk to my doctor and he is Irish and so is his wife so he might have an idea about homesickness too.
Big decisions will have to wait and I am glad that I finally got the courage to tell DH exactly where I am at. Not a good place, he isn't happy now either but like you say, we need to work through it and decide to stay or go. He always said he's never leave, he's a country boy and he has a successful business which ties him here.
Anyway I'd better go baby crying but I am very glad I found you all on this board you have been very kind.