Peaches Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Hi all, I've just received the long awaited email that our PR visa has been granted for us both, we should be jumping for joy.. However it’s only the dream for one of us and the other would prefer to remain in the UK. Any advice on the best approach to break the news to my OH that we have been accepted would be appreciated, or comments/tips from anyone else who has gone through this process. Thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 (edited) Tell your partner, straight and truthfully. It is them up to them if they want to move here, you cannot and should not, force someone to move to the other side of the world. Moving here is a test of any relationship, dragging someone along who does not want to be here is a death wish on the relationship. Time for a frank and honest conversation by the sound of it. Edited July 8, 2016 by Sammy1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Decision time - place or person? Whatever you do, never force someone to move when they really don't want to - migrating takes a very strong relationship and if you bring resentment into it then it won't last so the one who doesn't want to go might just as well not bother because retrieving a life after a move can be horrific. Straight talking is the only way to go and good luck with it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 You have to be truthful. My only word of caution is if you chose Australia, then you need to realise it isn't a "better" place. Its just different. But, if you are even considering it, then it probably says something about your relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T-bone Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 I'd sandwich it between two other pieces of news that you know they'd love to hear and then place a large glass of wine in their hand. Then I''d bring it up again a day later, whilst you're both out doing something you love (hiking, beach walking, cycling, etc.) and start talking about the benefits of healthy lifestyle whilst both of your endorphins are raging. Always good to talk about these things when you're both feeling happy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaches Posted July 11, 2016 Author Share Posted July 11, 2016 Hi all, thanks for your comments. I was always going to be honest and truthful that was never in doubt, it was just how best to broach the subject which was the tricky part I was looking for pointers on. Obviously having both recently completed meds/ police checks etc. we knew the decision was coming. T-bone had the right idea for what I was after, although I checked the replies after having already broken the news to my OH and tbh it wasn’t too far off the mark from what you suggested but as expected it hasn’t gone down well. It used to be a dream for both of us 10 years ago to emigrate, however the dream has only stayed with me. I have worked hard changing jobs roles and gaining new qualifications to be eligible to apply, and now our visas have been granted I’m really keen to move as soon as possible (2017), however OH wants to wait till 2019 before moving. Main arguments to delay are so we can save more money before going (I think we already have enough, 6 figures saved), think it’s going to be hard securing a job (fair enough who knows what’s going to happen to the economy there in the next 12-18 months, same could be said for UK after Brexit though. Having said that I have a job to go to lined up for 2017/18), having kids then going (this worries me the most but is a whole can of worms I don’t want to get into on here..) Regarding the comment of Australia not being ‘better’ just different, I think it’s what you make of it. Who’s to say it can’t be better for me and the family I hope to raise there? Granted life is pretty good for us where we are at the moment, but having had this dream for so long after a number of trips I feel I have to follow this through or I’ll never know and regret having never tried. If it doesn’t work out as planned we can always head back to the UK, but having known that we’ve given it a go. I’ve been told that I’m just being really selfish and unrealistic . I desperately want us both to want this dream, and to undertake this together as the next chapter and adventure in our lives together. I don’t want to get to the end of my days looking back with any regrets. If anyone else has been in a similar predicament I would appreciate your thoughts and experiences as to how things panned out.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BadgerLady Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 How did it go with you? My thoughts are that it only creates new options, it doesn't take any away. Having PR doesn't mean you HAVE to live in Australia, it just means you have a free choice to live here or the UK, and you can change your mind whenever you like :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 If you're that desperate why don't you go, give it a year, leave him and the kids (unsure if you have kids or not) here with their nice stable lives and see if it really is all that you think it will be. He obviously doesn't want to go, maybe he has grown up into a more realistic frame of mind and ditched the dream stuff. Both first world countries, you could have a good life in either and if you are already off first base here in UK, why bother fixing something that aint broke. Actually, I think it makes life much harder to have PR because this is now going to be nagging at you and your relationship until the visa expires one way or the other. Perhaps you need to go to marriage counselling - sometimes it helps you to "hear" what is being said rather than thinking you know what is being said. Ive been stuck in Australia because my DH wouldn't move (we have since, thank goodness) and it was hell - and I had managed quite ok for the best part of 20 years before that. I cannot imagine how awful it must be for someone who is dragged there in the first place, not really committed to it. One man's dream is another man's nightmare, remember. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaty Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Hi all, thanks for your comments. I was always going to be honest and truthful that was never in doubt, it was just how best to broach the subject which was the tricky part I was looking for pointers on. Obviously having both recently completed meds/ police checks etc. we knew the decision was coming. T-bone had the right idea for what I was after, although I checked the replies after having already broken the news to my OH and tbh it wasn’t too far off the mark from what you suggested but as expected it hasn’t gone down well. It used to be a dream for both of us 10 years ago to emigrate, however the dream has only stayed with me. I have worked hard changing jobs roles and gaining new qualifications to be eligible to apply, and now our visas have been granted I’m really keen to move as soon as possible (2017), however OH wants to wait till 2019 before moving. Main arguments to delay are so we can save more money before going (I think we already have enough, 6 figures saved), think it’s going to be hard securing a job (fair enough who knows what’s going to happen to the economy there in the next 12-18 months, same could be said for UK after Brexit though. Having said that I have a job to go to lined up for 2017/18), having kids then going (this worries me the most but is a whole can of worms I don’t want to get into on here..) Regarding the comment of Australia not being ‘better’ just different, I think it’s what you make of it. Who’s to say it can’t be better for me and the family I hope to raise there? Granted life is pretty good for us where we are at the moment, but having had this dream for so long after a number of trips I feel I have to follow this through or I’ll never know and regret having never tried. If it doesn’t work out as planned we can always head back to the UK, but having known that we’ve given it a go. I’ve been told that I’m just being really selfish and unrealistic . I desperately want us both to want this dream, and to undertake this together as the next chapter and adventure in our lives together. I don’t want to get to the end of my days looking back with any regrets. If anyone else has been in a similar predicament I would appreciate your thoughts and experiences as to how things panned out.. Congratulations - tread carefully and hopefully all will work out if (and when) you migrate. B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 Congratulations - tread carefully and hopefully all will work out if (and when) you migrate. B If you'd been on these forums as long as the other responders have, you'd know that's almost guaranteed to be a forlorn hope. I would be willing to bet money that if the OP goes ahead and forces her oh to move to Australia with her, it'll be at the cost of either her marriage or her partner's sanity! It's hard enough to cope with the stresses of migration when you both really want to move - dragging someone with you never works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benj1980 Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 I can't imagine completing the PR process without the support of my partner, maybe you need to have a hard look at where you guys are heading? It's not the sort of thing you can do with one person not on board with it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Hi all, thanks for your comments. I was always going to be honest and truthful that was never in doubt, it was just how best to broach the subject which was the tricky part I was looking for pointers on. Obviously having both recently completed meds/ police checks etc. we knew the decision was coming. T-bone had the right idea for what I was after, although I checked the replies after having already broken the news to my OH and tbh it wasn’t too far off the mark from what you suggested but as expected it hasn’t gone down well. It used to be a dream for both of us 10 years ago to emigrate, however the dream has only stayed with me. I have worked hard changing jobs roles and gaining new qualifications to be eligible to apply, and now our visas have been granted I’m really keen to move as soon as possible (2017), however OH wants to wait till 2019 before moving. Main arguments to delay are so we can save more money before going (I think we already have enough, 6 figures saved), think it’s going to be hard securing a job (fair enough who knows what’s going to happen to the economy there in the next 12-18 months, same could be said for UK after Brexit though. Having said that I have a job to go to lined up for 2017/18), having kids then going (this worries me the most but is a whole can of worms I don’t want to get into on here..) Regarding the comment of Australia not being ‘better’ just different, I think it’s what you make of it. Who’s to say it can’t be better for me and the family I hope to raise there? Granted life is pretty good for us where we are at the moment, but having had this dream for so long after a number of trips I feel I have to follow this through or I’ll never know and regret having never tried. If it doesn’t work out as planned we can always head back to the UK, but having known that we’ve given it a go. I’ve been told that I’m just being really selfish and unrealistic . I desperately want us both to want this dream, and to undertake this together as the next chapter and adventure in our lives together. I don’t want to get to the end of my days looking back with any regrets. If anyone else has been in a similar predicament I would appreciate your thoughts and experiences as to how things panned out.. I am a bit puzzled that you went ahead with the application when the other half was not on board. And that you needed to break the news like it would be a surprise. It is cruel to make or browbeat somebody into moving to the other side of the world if it is not what they want to do. I think you need to forget about Australia or forget about the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 I agree with all the comments that have been made. If you have a comfortable life in the UK and your OH isn't keen on the move to Australia I'd give it a miss. Australia isn't a cheap place to live anymore and work is getting harder and harder to find. Forewarned is forearmed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Hi all, thanks for your comments. I was always going to be honest and truthful that was never in doubt, it was just how best to broach the subject which was the tricky part I was looking for pointers on. Obviously having both recently completed meds/ police checks etc. we knew the decision was coming. T-bone had the right idea for what I was after, although I checked the replies after having already broken the news to my OH and tbh it wasn’t too far off the mark from what you suggested but as expected it hasn’t gone down well. It used to be a dream for both of us 10 years ago to emigrate, however the dream has only stayed with me. I have worked hard changing jobs roles and gaining new qualifications to be eligible to apply, and now our visas have been granted I’m really keen to move as soon as possible (2017), however OH wants to wait till 2019 before moving. Main arguments to delay are so we can save more money before going (I think we already have enough, 6 figures saved), think it’s going to be hard securing a job (fair enough who knows what’s going to happen to the economy there in the next 12-18 months, same could be said for UK after Brexit though. Having said that I have a job to go to lined up for 2017/18), having kids then going (this worries me the most but is a whole can of worms I don’t want to get into on here..) Regarding the comment of Australia not being ‘better’ just different, I think it’s what you make of it. Who’s to say it can’t be better for me and the family I hope to raise there? Granted life is pretty good for us where we are at the moment, but having had this dream for so long after a number of trips I feel I have to follow this through or I’ll never know and regret having never tried. If it doesn’t work out as planned we can always head back to the UK, but having known that we’ve given it a go. I’ve been told that I’m just being really selfish and unrealistic . I desperately want us both to want this dream, and to undertake this together as the next chapter and adventure in our lives together. I don’t want to get to the end of my days looking back with any regrets. If anyone else has been in a similar predicament I would appreciate your thoughts and experiences as to how things panned out.. It sounds like your partner absolutely does not want to go. I suppose you could suggest a holiday to 'check' things out. However, you cannot force somebody to move to the other side of the world if they do not want to. I don't think anybody on here can give you the answer that you are looking for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggie2012 Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Ok, nobody has the right to stop you from your dreams. it seams that you have worked hard for it. don't wait till 2019, especially being after the Brexit vote. We were lucky that we both wanted the journey, but i will tell you if my hubby would have said no he would have a serious choice to make. Life is short not to follow your dreams.... Hi all, thanks for your comments. I was always going to be honest and truthful that was never in doubt, it was just how best to broach the subject which was the tricky part I was looking for pointers on. Obviously having both recently completed meds/ police checks etc. we knew the decision was coming. T-bone had the right idea for what I was after, although I checked the replies after having already broken the news to my OH and tbh it wasn’t too far off the mark from what you suggested but as expected it hasn’t gone down well. It used to be a dream for both of us 10 years ago to emigrate, however the dream has only stayed with me. I have worked hard changing jobs roles and gaining new qualifications to be eligible to apply, and now our visas have been granted I’m really keen to move as soon as possible (2017), however OH wants to wait till 2019 before moving. Main arguments to delay are so we can save more money before going (I think we already have enough, 6 figures saved), think it’s going to be hard securing a job (fair enough who knows what’s going to happen to the economy there in the next 12-18 months, same could be said for UK after Brexit though. Having said that I have a job to go to lined up for 2017/18), having kids then going (this worries me the most but is a whole can of worms I don’t want to get into on here..) Regarding the comment of Australia not being ‘better’ just different, I think it’s what you make of it. Who’s to say it can’t be better for me and the family I hope to raise there? Granted life is pretty good for us where we are at the moment, but having had this dream for so long after a number of trips I feel I have to follow this through or I’ll never know and regret having never tried. If it doesn’t work out as planned we can always head back to the UK, but having known that we’ve given it a go. I’ve been told that I’m just being really selfish and unrealistic . I desperately want us both to want this dream, and to undertake this together as the next chapter and adventure in our lives together. I don’t want to get to the end of my days looking back with any regrets. If anyone else has been in a similar predicament I would appreciate your thoughts and experiences as to how things panned out.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Ok, nobody has the right to stop you from your dreams. it seams that you have worked hard for it. don't wait till 2019, especially being after the Brexit vote. We were lucky that we both wanted the journey, but i will tell you if my hubby would have said no he would have a serious choice to make. Life is short not to follow your dreams.... Wow. He would have had a tough choice to make, not you though? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 If he goes reluctantly he will blame any future mishap on you for dragging him or her somewhere they did not want to be. If your heart is not on living in oz the pull to go home will grow and grow as the months pass and arguments will also grow. The argument that's it's a better or healthier life are not true as you can have either in both countries so I would not honestly use that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Ok, nobody has the right to stop you from your dreams. it seams that you have worked hard for it. don't wait till 2019, especially being after the Brexit vote. We were lucky that we both wanted the journey, but i will tell you if my hubby would have said no he would have a serious choice to make. Life is short not to follow your dreams.... The word you used is "your dreams" it is a relationship and has to be both your "dreams" you cannot be selfish enough to end marriage with kids involved because YOU want to move to the other side of the world and sod the one who does not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flag of convenience Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 I agree with above post. It is selfish to say the least to not respect the other partners lack of enthusiasm for migrating. Unless of course the subject was breached on becoming a partnership and the other side has developed cold feet. Then and only then could there be a justification to be upset. Australia is far removed from being some magic land at the end of the rainbow, and is darn hard work and getting harder from most angles. Probably a shame there isn't a sticky with the less successful stories on this forum to counter balance. If a partnership is of any value at all, moving forwards or onwards needs to be one hundred per cent a joint, mutually agreed decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaty Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 You need to have both parties on board. Wasting your time otherwise. We have my OH's risk averse public sector sister in law ringing my OH weekly saying we're making a 'huge mistake' in moving. I'm this close to telling her to f*ck off. B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbpom Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 It used to be a dream for both of us 10 years ago to emigrate, however the dream has only stayed with me. I have worked hard changing jobs roles and gaining new qualifications to be eligible to apply, and now our visas have been granted I’m really keen to move as soon as possible (2017), however OH wants to wait till 2019 before moving. Main arguments to delay are so we can save more money before going (I think we already have enough, 6 figures saved), think it’s going to be hard securing a job (fair enough who knows what’s going to happen to the economy there in the next 12-18 months, same could be said for UK after Brexit though. Having said that I have a job to go to lined up for 2017/18), having kids then going (this worries me the most but is a whole can of worms I don’t want to get into on here..) What happens if wait for another couple of years and then there's another reason to delay? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 What happens if wait for another couple of years and then there's another reason to delay? Of course there will be another reason for delay. Her husband doesn't want to go, he just doesn't have the balls to upset her. He's hoping that if he keeps on delaying, she'll eventually give up. It's obvious she half-suspects this from the language she uses - when you say you're going to "break the news" to someone, you mean you've got to tell them some awful news. So she knows he's been dreading it. To know that and still be looking for ways to browbeat him into it says a lot about the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
srg73 Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 Life does tend to get in the way of big decisions like this.....family or personal illness, pregnancy, economic news etc etc. Sometimes as a couple you have to take considered risks especially when opportunities such as migration are at stake. Myself and my wife only ever applied for PR in Aus in case we lost our jobs or simply as a back up plan. After a great Australian holiday the proposition became much more attractive and decided to make the move whilst everybody in UK was fit and well and would not miss us too much. Moving will cost you some money but not moving will cost you life experiences which are much more valuable. Personally we are happy that we moved, maybe not perminantly but certainly for the next decade or so. Be open with each other, supportive and see it as a joint adventure not just one persons dream.....believe me, a great country with many slightly different problems to UK and yes most people who move still have to get up and work each day.....same or simular cr@p just a different country! S Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaty Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 Life does tend to get in the way of big decisions like this.....family or personal illness, pregnancy, economic news etc etc. Sometimes as a couple you have to take considered risks especially when opportunities such as migration are at stake. Myself and my wife only ever applied for PR in Aus in case we lost our jobs or simply as a back up plan. After a great Australian holiday the proposition became much more attractive and decided to make the move whilst everybody in UK was fit and well and would not miss us too much. Moving will cost you some money but not moving will cost you life experiences which are much more valuable. Personally we are happy that we moved, maybe not perminantly but certainly for the next decade or so. Be open with each other, supportive and see it as a joint adventure not just one persons dream.....believe me, a great country with many slightly different problems to UK and yes most people who move still have to get up and work each day.....same or simular cr@p just a different country! S Good for you. Hope you are enjoying Brissie life! B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbpom Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 Of course there will be another reason for delay. Her husband doesn't want to go, he just doesn't have the balls to upset her. He's hoping that if he keeps on delaying, she'll eventually give up. It's obvious she half-suspects this from the language she uses - when you say you're going to "break the news" to someone, you mean you've got to tell them some awful news. So she knows he's been dreading it. To know that and still be looking for ways to browbeat him into it says a lot about the relationship. Marisa, I didn't read it that she was trying to coerce him, I just read delay. It reminded me of my ex husband who kept putting hurdles in the way of us starting a family then years later admitted he didn't want kids. Better to clear it up now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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