Definite Dilemma!!

[itchyfeet]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here, but have been browsing this forum for the last three years in my indecision! I know at the end of the day that the only person that can decide to take the leap and emigrate is me, but somehow the act of sharing my story on here makes me feel a little better, especially if people have had similar experiences. I'd definitely like to hear your stories.

 

So I'm 31 years old, living in Southampton in the UK with my boyfriend of nearly ten years. We are not married and do not have any children! We aren't even engaged. We own our own home, helped by my boyfriends parents, who emigrated in December 2011 to live near their eldest son and his daughter in Melbourne. He's lived there for 20+ years, loves it and persuaded his parents to join him.

When they began the process, my boyfriend was a minor, under the age of 18, but the process took so long he was then not eligible to join them on his visa, he met me at age 22 and the rest of that is history haha!

 

My partner spent a year in Aus living in Melbourne in his teens, and has wanted to live there ever since. Now his parents are there naturally it's all he wants from life. His parents are elderly, and he is going to visit in December to spend Christmas with them, I will remain here to look after our menagerie of animals.

Now, I have visited Melbourne twice, first time in 2005 for a five week holiday with a friend, the second time with my boyfriend to visit his family. We stayed with his parents, had a great time and I love it there.

 

It has been a real trying three and a half years since his parents left, he has been depressed pretty much most days, and it has really strained our relationship. He knows that I don't want to leave my family, but he can't see himself remaining here, though he says he is doing that for me. I'm at a stage now, that I feel terrible for expecting him to compromise for ever without me even giving it a try.

 

I am afraid of saying goodbye to my family, in particular my mum, who has just battled through breast cancer, and various other ailments, though I'm sure she would visit along with my step father. My Dad however, would never be able to afford to visit, and he visits me every other week without fail, so this would be a huge wrench to him too.

 

I would absolutely LOVE to live there. I have real itchy feet, already moved an hour away from family as I grew bored with my hometown and wanted new surroundings. I just wish I could acheive it without making my mum ill again, and waving goodbye to my dad.

 

So does anyone have any advice? Plenty of people have told me that I should live my life for me, and not worry about my family, but that is far easier said than done! I haven't mentioned my new train of thought to my boyfriend yet, but is it a viable option to try a couple years in Aus and return if unhappy? Should I mention these ideas to him or keep quiet until I'm sure. Ooooooooo it's soooooo hard, but I do feel that he is my life and my family too. I very much want him to be happy, and to regain the person that I fell in love with all those years ago, rather than the shell of a man he has become.

 

 

thanks in advance for reading

[Southchick]

Hi itchy feet,

 

It is such a difficult decision to leave family isn't it. Especially as your hasn't been well I am sorry. It's difficult to imagine being away from family for so long, it's something that needs a lot of consideration. You only one have shot and I am in the go for it camp as we are only here for a short time.

It's not that easy though, it costs a fortune to emigrate and is never easy when you get there, that's not to say it isn't achievable but I believe you've got to be committed 100% to make it work.

its very different though living an hour away and 27 hours away, and more costly to visit. It's a reality that you might not be able to see your dad much and would that be ok? Skype has made communication so much easier but the time difference can be tricky calling whenever you want to.

Also from a practical point of view.... Do you and your boyfriend qualify for visas? If one of you eligible then it sounds like the other would satisfy defacto criteria as you have house together/ been together so long etc.

its naturally difficult for your boyfriend too being away from his fam, so it seems one of you is going to have that as a reality. I know how tough it is living away from family although in Australia it would be great to have his family to help you feel part of theirs.

if you would love to live there as you say and you have that option then of course you could come back if unhappy, but it's a massive financial task and not one to be taken lightly.

 

perhaps research the practicalities and costs of visas and movin etc whilst you are still going through the emotional battles, and I think your answer will come to you.

Definately talk to your boyfriend though!

[itchyfeet]

Thanks for your quick response! My boyfriend works in IT as a systems and network engineer, so is on the skilled list, so it would be me tagging along as the defacto. I presume his brother would sponsor him, as he's a permanent resident. Do you also have to have a certain amount of money in your bank account?

[Jacaranda]

Hi Itchyfeet,and welcome to PIO!You'll find lots of helpful info on the forum!Ok,read your post,and yes its good that you're open to the idea of emigrating.I'm sorry to hear of your OH's depression,it can't be easy for either of you.I hope if you make the move,you're both happy,it seems one of you,whereever you live is going to have to make a big sacrifice.Have you considered this though?What if you move over to Oz,your OH is blissfully happy because he has his family,and you're not?What if your OH then refuses to return to the UK?If you're considering having kids in the future,and you have them in Oz,if you wanted to return to the UK without him,that could be quite difficult.I'm sorry if this sounds negative but I have read quite a lot of posts from people that become stuck in Oz,and their partner had promised to return to the UK (before they even left the UK)and once in Oz,back out of the plan. I think the only way forward is to make a compromise,in that should you emigrate,then atleast be able to have holidays back in the UK to catch up with your family.It can wear thin(from personal experience)when your OH gets to spend Xmas,and other family celebrations with their family,and your's are 10,000 away. I moved over to the UK from Oz,met a british guy,married etc.To start with all was ok.It was exciting to be in the UK and start a new life.Over the years though,admittedly bitterness set in to a certain extent coming from me,because our life revolved around his family all the time.Xmas's were particularly difficult for me,knowing my family were celebrating,without me in Oz. I have taken long extended holidays back to Oz,which helped me deal with missing my own family,but hellish leaving them!lol Best wishes hon,just think things through,and go through every scenario in your head about how you'll potenticially feel.

[Cam]

Hi Itchy feet,

 

I really feel for your predicament. Family and friends (in my opinion) is always what makes the move hardest, and I think those who manage it most successfully are those who are able to switch off 'guilt' for leaving people behind. The cost and distance mean that you won't see people from the Uk very often. It's also worth considering how good people are with Skype, I always found Skyping my Dad really hard, there would always be something going wrong with it, although in effect there shouldn't have been but it does depend how technical people are. We also had to Skype/ call three different people regularly and with time differences there were certain golden windows which sometimes effected our evening out or our morning's plans. But that is a by the bye. It's worth considering a '1 year trip' to see how it all goes, relatives take this more kindly than 'I could be emigrating'.

 

I feel for you boyfriend he sounds like he's desperate to go and it can eat away at you until you do go. Sometimes just having it on your mind all the time makes the whole thing more, he may go and after a year decide he'd rather be back in the UK. It's hard to know until you go whether it will be right, but also timing is key, would it be right to go now or would it be better to go in a year or two?

 

We wrote long lists of Pro-Uk and Pro-Oz, it helped to think it all through, but I think conversations with everyone will help you understand how they would feel about it and therefore any feelings that you would have.

 

Good luck, I don't envy your dilemma. :daydreaming:

[Bungo]

I was wondering if you would want to got to Australia if you did not have a boyfriend that wanted to? Do you think your feet would be just as itchy?

[itchyfeet]

Thanks again for all your replies so far. In our current situation my boyfriend is very bitter towards me because he obviously feels as though our lives are revolved around spending time with my family in the UK as his are all in Aus. This is what has made me re-assess my position on it all, as I feel as though if I even remotely care for him I should give life out there a shot. Of course I am aware that I would too perhaps become the person he now is, either way it is one of us that has to make the sacrifice. I also feel as though I have a rare opportunity at a really enjoyable life in a warmer country that not many people get a shot at.

 

Almost convinced myself self that in that sense I would be an idiot not to give it a go and then at least I tried, and will not live my life thinking "what if I actually went".

If I wasn't in a relationship with him I wouldn't consider it, I don't have a skilled job, so wouldn't get in anyway.

 

I would definitely be speaking to him about an escape plan for myself if I didn't like it, have thought about what I would do if I needed to come home, and there would definitely need to be provisions made for me to visit my family as much as possible. This whole Australia thing has not left the back of my mind for the past six years. It's been a constant worry for me that one day he would announce he was leaving, a real strain on our relationship, but despite all we have survived!

[itchyfeet]

As we are both over 30, also wanted to ask how we would go about a "tester" year in Aus? I see the working holiday visa is aimed at younger folk

[Bungo]

After the age of 30, there is no such thing as a tester visa. Well not that the WHV is a tester visa either, but it could be used that way. I was really interested to probe into whether you would be considering the move if you were not with this boyfriend. I was interested to understand your feelings, not whether you qualified or not. So ignoring criteria, do you think it is something you would want to do?

 

I think you are very thoughtful and considerate to be prepared to move so that your OH can be near his family. But to be honest there is a bit of me that thinks his family have the choice and they could all be together in the UK if it were that important, but they choose not to be. Whereas I assume if you move, your family have no such option. For that reason, I think your family should be prioritised to be honest,

 

Finally, I am going to sound hard here. But ten years and no engagement ring yet? Maybe this has run its course? Unless you are conscientious objectors to marriage of course.

[itchyfeet]

After the age of 30, there is no such thing as a tester visa. Well not that the WHV is a tester visa either, but it could be used that way. I was really interested to probe into whether you would be considering the move if you were not with this boyfriend. I was interested to understand your feelings, not whether you qualified or not. So ignoring criteria, do you think it is something you would want to do?

 

I think you are very thoughtful and considerate to be prepared to move so that your OH can be near his family. But to be honest there is a bit of me that thinks his family have the choice and they could all be together in the UK if it were that important, but they choose not to be. Whereas I assume if you move, your family have no such option. For that reason, I think your family should be prioritised to be honest,

 

Finally, I am going to sound hard here. But ten years and no engagement ring yet? Maybe this has run its course? Unless you are conscientious objectors to marriage of course.

 

If I wasn't with him them no I wouldn't consider the move. I think you are right that I should be prioritising my family, as this whole conundrum has come along via the choices his family have made, which are now weighing heavily on my shoulders, I suppose a very unfair byproduct of an unfortunate situation. I know he has thought about proposing as he has told me so, but we have had a rocky relationship recently due to the emigration issues weighing on our minds, and various other issues; so I guess this has made him think twice. His brother living in Melbourne also married a girl and had a very messy divorce which he told me put him off the idea of marriage, he said he didn't want to go through the the same as his brother. He wants to be certain it's the right decision before making that commitment to someone. I respect his views, but I am also very aware of my biological clock loudly ticking away!

 

Ive tried really hard to make his life as good as possible here in the UK, my family have supported him as much as possible but I feel as though ultimately I am fighting a loosing battle. It's so hard and I don't want to discuss my current feelings on the situation with him until I have a firm grasp of what I what sorted in my mind.

Edited September 2, 2015 by itchyfeet

[Wellers and Whitehead]

I don't believe you should be prioritising your family over his, you should prioritise your relationship if that's worth fighting for. Any with regards to the engagement ring, that means very little ..he obviously takes getting engaged seriously and that's how it should be..until all the 'issues' are sorted out he doesn't want to commit ...wise!! Just do it..go for it..what have you got to loose?

[Chortlepuss]

What a difficult dilemma. It's a lovely trait to think of others but you should be prioritising YOU. Where would you prefer to live - Australia or UK? Even for people who desperately want to come here, it can be a challenging process. 10 years and no ability to commit sounds a bit shaky - and if you want kids some time soon you may wish to consider if this is the life you want to live... If you move to Australia and have your kids here, you will almost be definitely stuck here until they are 18 (unless you are willing to leave them...) Now that is a big commitment!

[Guest Anya]

but we have had a rocky relationship recently due to the emigration issues weighing on our minds, and various other issues;

 

If I wasn't with him them no I wouldn't consider the move. I think you are right that I should be prioritising my family, as this whole conundrum has come along via the choices his family have made, which are now weighing heavily on my shoulders, I suppose a very unfair byproduct of an unfortunate situation.

 

I think you will have these issues even if you do make the move to Australia tbh, except that here you won't have the support of your own family and friends. Whilst he may be happy living in Melbourne with his family, you on the other hand may be miserable without your family and constantly worried about their health and well being. This will again put a strain on your already rocky relationship. Your problems will be magnified because you're the one uprooting yourself not him.

 

Considering the fact that you are also dealing with various other issues in your relationship, I think it is perhaps also wise to re-consider your relationship? He could be using the emigration as an excuse(?) for his unhappiness instead of the "real" issues (am just going by what you've mentioned above) that may be the reasons for your recent rocky relationship?

Edited September 2, 2015 by Anya

[robfromdublin]

This is just my opinion but:

 

Do NOT emigrate to improve your relationship with your boyfriend. If you wouldn't consider it without him then don't do it. If that means an end to the relationship then so be it, it's understandable if he wants to be with family. You're both young enough to call an end to it and find others. If you emigrate then the same tensions will be there but in reverse and you'll end up breaking up anyway in 3 or 4 years time.

 

Obviously I don't know you from Adam but that's my reading of the situation from this thread alone. Sorry if it's brutal!

[JockinTas]

This is just my opinion but:

 

Do NOT emigrate to improve your relationship with your boyfriend. If you wouldn't consider it without him then don't do it. If that means an end to the relationship then so be it, it's understandable if he wants to be with family. You're both young enough to call an end to it and find others. If you emigrate then the same tensions will be there but in reverse and you'll end up breaking up anyway in 3 or 4 years time.

 

Obviously I don't know you from Adam but that's my reading of the situation from this thread alone. Sorry if it's brutal!

 

Agree 100%.

 

Considering how close you are to your parents as well, you would always be worrying about them and I think you would not be happy here.

[Guest]

This is just my opinion but:

 

Do NOT emigrate to improve your relationship with your boyfriend. If you wouldn't consider it without him then don't do it. If that means an end to the relationship then so be it, it's understandable if he wants to be with family. You're both young enough to call an end to it and find others. If you emigrate then the same tensions will be there but in reverse and you'll end up breaking up anyway in 3 or 4 years time.

 

Obviously I don't know you from Adam but that's my reading of the situation from this thread alone. Sorry if it's brutal!

 

I'm kind of with this sentiment. Moving to help improve your relationship with your partner because he is unhappy his family moved to Aus and wants to join them isn't what a move should be about. If your partner has issues because his family have moved overseas, his insistence and resentment toward you for keeping him in the UK is not a healthy place to start. His family chose to move, it wasn't anything you did. Spending a year there or a month or two a long while back isn't like living there permanently. Its the same old same old as in the UK, only different country that once you are a resident in, can irk and grate on you, even if you are happy living there. It can be that it simply doesn't live up to the holiday mode in which it was sampled and that all the things you didn't mind or even notice when visiting there will truly annoy the crap out of you when you live there. Honestly, until you actually live somewhere, are a resident, are buying into the whole settling in another country thing, the rest is all just window dressing and often very nice dressing. However, scratch the surface more and it may not be as appealing.

 

Migrating is a HUGE deal. Its not something to go into half hearted or if you know you are going to be deeply upset to leave your loved ones and not see them often at all. Its one thing to move to a town an hour away from them, its another to move the other side of the world. You have to be wanting to make this move for yourself, to be ok about leaving loved ones, to accept that your parents may not take it well and that if one or the other becomes ill in the future, you will have that bridge to cross. I'd not say its about prioritising your family over his either. Its about putting you first, your relationship and what you both want from it in the future. End of the day, if you both want to be together, then its about the two of you, not his family or yours. Its about you both and if you have it, your own family.

 

If you wouldn't go if you were on your own (lets imagine you are qualified and could get a visa here ok ) then why on earth would you tag along on his visa? Yes he is your partner but honestly, going on what you've said here, the relationship might be reaching an impasse or a slow but natural end? It may not but you at least have to ask yourself those questions. And see where they take you.

 

Please also consider this next point very carefully. Should you move to Aus and settle there and have children with your partner there there are huge implications should you separate after a child is born and should you wish to return to the UK to live with the child(ren). Main one being that unless your partner agrees to let the child/ren return with you, they will have to remain in Aus and if you want to be around to see them grow up, so will you. Imagine living in a place you loathe, divorced or separated from the man you went to Aus with, with your children but unable to move back to the UK or to spend extended periods of time there again for many years. I'd also research your legal rights and how they differ for you both as temp and permanent residents should you have kids and part ways. I've read many truly distressing and sad stories of parents legal battles to remove their kids from Aus after a relationship breakdown when the ex wishes to remain in Aus and not let the kids leave.

 

OK your partner liked Aus when he was there over a decade ago but times and countries change. What about you? Where do you figure in this really for him? Why are you not his priority? If my OH said he was preferring to be near his parents over 'us' and me and our own relationship, I'd hear all sorts of alarm bells ringing. His saying its because of you he is still in England and he's doing it for you, that is not fair on you at all either. Also trying it out for a couple of years, I don't think I'd feel at all confident that he would return to the UK with you if you were truly unhappy and did not want to remain there. Its all just words until it becomes actions and by then, what was said may no longer be on the table or an option for him.

 

You also have to consider perhaps that the person you met and fell in love with may be gone and no matter what you do, he may never come back.

[robfromdublin]

Please also consider this next point very carefully. Should you move to Aus and settle there and have children with your partner there there are huge implications should you separate after a child is born and should you wish to return to the UK to live with the child(ren). Main one being that unless your partner agrees to let the child/ren return with you, they will have to remain in Aus and if you want to be around to see them grow up, so will you. Imagine living in a place you loathe, divorced or separated from the man you went to Aus with, with your children but unable to move back to the UK or to spend extended periods of time there again for many years. I'd also research your legal rights and how they differ for you both as temp and permanent residents should you have kids and part ways. I've read many truly distressing and sad stories of parents legal battles to remove their kids from Aus after a relationship breakdown when the ex wishes to remain in Aus and not let the kids leave.

 

 

Massively important point. Not just for you but for all young couples considering emigration. I know someone who moved here with his wife, had a kid, marriage broke up and now he is in the impossible situation of living in a country he doesn't like just to be able to see his kid every second weekend. Horrible.

[Bungo]

Massively important point. Not just for you but for all young couples considering emigration. I know someone who moved here with his wife, had a kid, marriage broke up and now he is in the impossible situation of living in a country he doesn't like just to be able to see his kid every second weekend. Horrible.

 

Yep many examples of that just on PIO.

[Jacaranda]

Ok Itchyfeet,lets say you move to Oz.Your partner is as happy as larry,but you're not?You end up depressed.How would he cope if then the situation was reversed?Would he be considerate?How would he feel if you said you were only staying in Oz to keep him happy?And that you'd only be happy if you both returned to the UK because you missed your family?Its not all about your OH hon,and his family.Your happiness and your family are just as important! If you do go,can I please make a suggestion?You said your body clock was ticking away,so Im guessing you have thought about having kids.Please give yourself time to settle,and think things through carefully before you have kids in Oz ok?Your OH is probably aware of the Hague Convention and may (who knows?)talk you into having a baby soon after you arrive in Oz,as a kind of guarantee that you'll have to stay.Be careful hon xx

[starlight7]

Hate to say it but what if you emigrated and then split from your boyfriend? You may not be able to afford to return and if you happen to have kids by then its really bad news trying to take them out of the country. Only you can decide what you really want to do and how much you value your relationship.I think you said something about moving 100 miles away from your family- well that is nothing at all- people travel that far and more to work every day in Australia. I regard anything here within a 200 mile radius as local these days.

[itchyfeet]

Wow thanks for all the replies!

It is quite hard to read some of your opinions, as I genuinely believe that my reason for wanting to try a life out there is not just for him, but because I really do believe that the quality of my life would improve. I'm an outdoorsy person, having spent my life around horses and dogs etc in this country in the wind and rain, and imagining it over there is a real temptation. Also I'm the sort of person whose always dreamed the nice big house near the sea, and I would love to have a few palm trees growing in my garden! The date palm I'm currently attempting to grow here in the UK doesn't seem to have gained a single cm in the last twelve months!

 

Im aware we could split up either before or after the move, aware that I could become just as unhappy as he has become, I would miss my parents really really badly. I would need to have a conversation with him as to how he would cope with that. I just really feel as though maybe I would regret not giving it a go on my deathbed. But if I went, I would probably regret not being near to my family on my deathbed.

His family aren't as close as I am with mine, I have always found their relationship a little strange, so I know for my boyfriend the pull to Australia is more about a better lifestyle than to spend every possible minute with his parents. I am not passing judgement on his family life here, I know every family is different. It is really a complicated situation with a lot more involved than the black and white aspects I have laid out, and I am the person who stands to loose a lot more if I left, I just feel quite lucky to have another option I could possibly take.

 

I couldnt leave immediately anyway, I have an elderly dog (he's 13!) and I would not even consider moving him over and want him to live out the rest of his life here first. I am currently also doing a training course through work and I am tied to them for a year after finishing that, plus I just got promoted to a manager so want to get some experience under my belt. This has made me really feel as though doors have opened up in our life at home, more money coming in and we are able to enjoy our lives a bit more freely.

Edited September 3, 2015 by itchyfeet

[Guest]

Wow thanks for all the replies!

It is quite hard to read some of your opinions, as I genuinely believe that my reason for wanting to try a life out there is not just for him, but because I really do believe that the quality of my life would improve. I'm an outdoorsy person, having spent my life around horses and dogs etc in this country in the wind and rain, and imagining it over there is a real temptation. Also I'm the sort of person whose always dreamed the nice big house near the sea, and I would love to have a few palm trees growing in my garden! The date palm I'm currently attempting to grow here in the UK doesn't seem to have gained a single cm in the last twelve months!

 

Im aware we could split up either before or after the move, aware that I could become just as unhappy as he has become, I would miss my parents really really badly. I would need to have a conversation with him as to how he would cope with that. I just really feel as though maybe I would regret not giving it a go on my deathbed. But if I went, I would probably regret not being near to my family on my deathbed.

His family aren't as close as I am with mine, I have always found their relationship a little strange, so I know for my boyfriend the pull to Australia is more about a better lifestyle than to spend every possible minute with his parents. I am not passing judgement on his family life here, I know every family is different. It is really a complicated situation with a lot more involved than the black and white aspects I have laid out, and I am the person who stands to loose a lot more if I left, I just feel quite lucky to have another option I could possibly take.

 

I couldnt leave immediately anyway, I have an elderly dog (he's 13!) and I would not even consider moving him over and want him to live out the rest of his life here first. I am currently also doing a training course through work and I am tied to them for a year after finishing that, plus I just got promoted to a manager so want to get some experience under my belt. This has made me really feel as though doors have opened up in our life at home, more money coming in and we are able to enjoy our lives a bit more freely.

I think you've answered your question here already. Seems to me you're not anywhere near ready to move yet. I doubt you'd be truly happy to move at all (sorry if that's harsh) It just seems to me that your heart isn't in it to be fair. If your relationship is already rocky emigrating will only add more stress to it. Good luck.

[starlight7]

I don't think you will be coming somehow. But it's nice to have a dream!

[Jacaranda]

Yep I was aware hon quite a few of the posts contain negative vibes,but you know what?I've lived in Australia for a long time,and aussies are pretty well renowned for telling you how it is,rather than sugar coating stuff.

I guess you have time then in your favour.By the sounds of it,you're not about to head over on the next flight,and this in itself will be good.It'll give you more time to think things through.There is nothing wrong with wanting to change your life. I guess some of us more seasoned forum posters,have read alot of posts over the years where couples head over to Oz,or they meet someone in Oz,and can become trapped,either through having kids,or economically.Either way,where ever you go,you will never reach that "What if"on your death bed because you make decisions (any)based on your feelings right now,with the knowledge you have,which is never wrong ok?The circumstances might change,but right now is all we ever have in life,our life is'nt somewhere "out there"its here and now.No one knows for sure how things will go for you if you move to Oz.You could both love it immensely,your partner might decide he hates it and you want to stay yourself,you could hate it and want to return to the UK. I'm curious about something though. You said your partner was depressed because his family were in Oz?Ok,fair enough but then you said he was'nt that close to them?

Edited September 3, 2015 by Jacaranda

[VERYSTORMY]

What makes you think you will have a nice big house by the sea? Melbourne, like most Australian cities is VERY expensive.

 

I think you might be seeing things through rose tints a bit.