Got a sneak preview - and it was awful

[adele244]

Oh my dear! I got a sneak preview of the hurt I'm going to be putting my Mum through when/if the time comes when we move. It was just awful, terrible and she doesnt really know anything yet, it was guess work.

 

We are currently going through Vettassess (the early stages) and have decided not to tell anyone until we have the green light. This is because I don't want any unnecessary upset caused to Mum if this doesn't happen. Also there are other complicated issues such as we have a business and my Dad can be quite unreasonable to the point that if he is so upset and angry he may well spill the beans to the staff we cant simply afford this to happen before anything is concrete.

 

So here is what happened... When Mum comes around to babysit she will often go on my laptop whilst kids are in bed. It appears that I have been sloppy and when she has gone on the website browser "pomsinoz" has come up automatically and she has seen it.

 

She burst out crying the other day and asked me if I had any plans of a "big move" to Australia, and if I had she prayed it would be after she was gone because it would kill her, taking the kids away. She was in bits, sobbing and I just didn't know what to say. It was simply quite awful! I just had to try and calm her simply telling her that it has always been a dream of ours and we really think the kids and us as a family would have a better life, however I said it was a dream and may never happen. I never denied it but didn't tell her that we were actually involved in the process.

 

Oh my goodness she was in bits and although I still have the same strong desire to continue, it has just given me a reality check of the hurt this is going to cause my Mum, she absolutely dotes on her grandchildren.

 

I want so much to tell her and prepare her, but if it doesn't happen it will all have been for nothing, also there can be no chance of it getting out. So telling her is simply impossible.

 

All I can say is that if it we do get the green light, I have absolutely no idea how I will cope with seeing the grief of Mum. Has anyone out there had to deal with this type of hurt? I think I am going to have to acquire a heart of stone!

 

:no:

[JockinTas]

It is very difficult. My children were born here so Mum didn't meet them until they were toddlers. I took them over to Scotland every couple of years and it was just heartbreaking when it came time to return to Australia. She used to come here for 4 months every couple of years too but it's never easy. There wasn't Skype in those days just the phone but I have to say she was happy to see how settled we were here and said we had done the right thing.

[Diane]

It doesn't get any easier when you have made the move either - we've been here ten years and my Mum back in the UK has recently had a fall and badly broken her wrist. My brother lives quite a long way away, and anyway has to work, and my sister is currently away on holidays. I just wish I was still in the UK so I could help her out (she and my Dad are in their 80s) and feel very helpless.

[Impasse]

Ye-es, I'm going through this process at the moment. I suppose there's two ways to look at it. Firstly, the hardened-heart version which is that it's your life and you only get one of them, and you have to live it as you see fit. It's the natural order for kids to leave the nest. And then there's the slightly more emollient version which is that Australia isn't a 6 week voyage by sea any more, and you can get from there to the UK in a day if you want. And in the meantime there's Skype or FaceTime or whatever.

 

I'm keeping the first version safely to myself, and telling myself that it's the right thing for me, which makes me feel a bit better... and I'm broadcasting the second version, which makes my mum feel a bit better, or seems to.

 

I think whichever way you look at it it's going to be a bit difficult all round, but then look at the other milestones in your life, when you first left home for example: seemed so hard at the time, and your mum was quite unhappy when you moved out... but it actually worked out fine in the long run, didn't it? Now, I don't know where you live but if you were like JockInTas whose mum lives in Scotland, and you moved to London, she'd see you and the grandkids much less often but it would seem like far less of a nuclear option than moving to Australia. Yet, if your mum lived in the right part of Scotland it could take a day to get there, but it doesn't seem too wildly far away?

 

I do happen to live in the far West Highlands of Scotland which puts me a full day away from my parents, and I must admit these arguments aren't helping me much - but they're helping a bit, and my mum is coming around to the idea... a bit! At the end of the day you're doing what you're doing for you and your family, and your mum will come to terms with that. She's only upset because she loves you and the grandkids and doesn't like the idea of change - but she'll know, deep down, that you're doing the right thing for you and for them. Honestly, mums are really resilient and she will find a way to deal with it and once the shock and surprise wears off, she'll be fine. As will you.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Impasse

[starlight7]

Of course it is hard- particularly if you see a lot of your Mum now. She will cope, though, as we do. I actually found it was worse for my Dad. Mum was good at 'joining' things and making friends but Dad wasn't- his work was all and everything for him and when he retired it was very hard. Maybe it will be the same for you? The males seem to find it harder to express their feelings in this.

[Que Sera Sera]

I'd honestly think long and hard before you part with your Visa money if it is something you are going to be able to do. She clearly is not going to make life easy for you and you are clearly already very upset by it. I hate to be negative but after years of reading stories like this, it seems to be the number one reason why people return. Personally my thoughts are that the way she reacted was out of order and parents really should support their children if this is their desire. I've waved goodbye to my children and emigrated myself. So I've some idea. We took my MIL's only Grandchild away, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip for our sakes. Doesn't sound like you Mums going to do that tbh. I wish you strength ahead if you do decide to go through it.

[flatpack]

It certainly is the hardest part of the process. I've been told that I'm a hard faced so and so, that I'm emotionally dead (lol by an ex), then fact is I keep it all in. I bawled my eyes out at the final goodbyes and it wasn't for me or my partner, it was for my daughter and her grandparents!

 

7 months on and my dads partner still gets visibly upset every time we speak on skype. But we have done this for ours and our daughters future along with future generations of our family. We know we have done the right thing and half way around the world isn't as far as it used to be!

 

Good Luck

[Scrutineer]

Tough stuff, and no real answers. My family supported us, my wife's family did not, but kept their lack of enthusiasm to ignoring the whole thing and never saying anything nice about it, rather than actively being difficult, although there was a brief time when we needed somewhere to stay before we left and we asked them - they said no and tried to talk us out of going. Luckily my family stepped in and lent us a house. I know it's tough, but I'll never forgive them for their attitude even if we move back, so it's just not worth it. You must support your kids in what they want to do. It's their life, not yours, and the grandchildren are not amusements for grandparents but your kids, and you are offering them an amazing adventure in life.

[Bridgeman]

Having been on both sides of the fence so to speak I can sympathise with both parties. We moved abroad and I never really gave a thought about my parents and the fact that they wouldn't see that much of their grandchildren. They never said anything, but were overjoyed when we returned. However, when our own daughter emigrated to Australia I realised how hard it must have been for them.

 

What most people don't realise is that the grandparents are actually going through a grieving process. Grieving for the fact that their future as they saw it is now not going to happen. Everyone grieves in different ways and some people find it extremely difficult to cope. I think you need to have a bit more generosity of spirit when dealing with such situations and be able to forgive their reactions. Yes, of course children must lead their own lives, but they must also accept the consequences of their decisions. I think sometimes those who emigrate are a little put out that not everyone shares their dream and aggrieved that they have to deal with the fallout. I don't know what they expect? As for the grandchildren, as you get older they become more important as you see them as part of yourselves which is going to continue long after you have gone. I also think that grandparents are able to play a very important role in children's lives I love my grandchildren very much, they are the light of our lives and I certainly don't consider them as being there for my amusement.

 

For us at the moment the shoe is on the other foot and it is us who are going to have to leave them and it is extremely hard.

[beach pig]

It doesn't get any easier when you have made the move either - we've been here ten years and my Mum back in the UK has recently had a fall and badly broken her wrist. My brother lives quite a long way away, and anyway has to work, and my sister is currently away on holidays. I just wish I was still in the UK so I could help her out (she and my Dad are in their 80s) and feel very helpless.

Ditto same happened to me 2 weeks ago

[beach pig]

Oh my dear! I got a sneak preview of the hurt I'm going to be putting my Mum through when/if the time comes when we move. It was just awful, terrible and she doesnt really know anything yet, it was guess work.

 

We are currently going through Vettassess (the early stages) and have decided not to tell anyone until we have the green light. This is because I don't want any unnecessary upset caused to Mum if this doesn't happen. Also there are other complicated issues such as we have a business and my Dad can be quite unreasonable to the point that if he is so upset and angry he may well spill the beans to the staff we cant simply afford this to happen before anything is concrete.

 

So here is what happened... When Mum comes around to babysit she will often go on my laptop whilst kids are in bed. It appears that I have been sloppy and when she has gone on the website browser "pomsinoz" has come up automatically and she has seen it.

 

She burst out crying the other day and asked me if I had any plans of a "big move" to Australia, and if I had she prayed it would be after she was gone because it would kill her, taking the kids away. She was in bits, sobbing and I just didn't know what to say. It was simply quite awful! I just had to try and calm her simply telling her that it has always been a dream of ours and we really think the kids and us as a family would have a better life, however I said it was a dream and may never happen. I never denied it but didn't tell her that we were actually involved in the process.

 

Oh my goodness she was in bits and although I still have the same strong desire to continue, it has just given me a reality check of the hurt this is going to cause my Mum, she absolutely dotes on her grandchildren.

 

I want so much to tell her and prepare her, but if it doesn't happen it will all have been for nothing, also there can be no chance of it getting out. So telling her is simply impossible.

 

All I can say is that if it we do get the green light, I have absolutely no idea how I will cope with seeing the grief of Mum. Has anyone out there had to deal with this type of hurt? I think I am going to have to acquire a heart of stone!

 

:no:

I feel your pain but as being parents ourselves you have to back your kids in whatever decision they make. My parents did even though it tore them to pieces.as they missed the grand kids. though they did understand the reasons why.its your life you have to make sacrifices some times. Like when my kids move on.its not easy but I will grant you, you are not alone .

[HappyHeart]

My Mum barely spoke about it in the months before we left and I remember thinking how selfish she was being at the time, how could she not be happy for us?? Fast forward a few years and I think how insensitive and selfish I was for not putting myself in her shoes....it broke her heart...it is selfish and it is cruel to do that to your parents and they have every tight to be upset.....that said, for us, we have adjusted and just before we left she wrote me this lovey letter which i kept detailing how pleased she was for us having the opportunity but how much it distressed her to see us leave....now she comes out every year and we speak every week....it's worked out fine....but please, think long and hard....can you envisage not seeing her for very long periods of time? Because that's what it boils down to....

[Captain Roberto]

It sounds very tough. And everyone and everyone's situation and relationships are different. We are moving 4 months today and it will be hard. We might not stay forever for this reason.

 

No easy answers. It's not easy or simple. It's emotionally difficult for more than just us who plan to go. That's just how it is I think.

 

And even though it is frowned upon by some on here, personally I don't see much harm in moving for 3-5 years, then coming back. It's not failure. It's just an experience. So if you don't stay, it's ok. That's what I think anyway...

Edited March 2, 2015 by Captain Roberto

[cardmaker]

In same boat. But our visa is granted and hubby doesn't know how to tell his mum.Could be fireworks, but it's our lives and our children's future we have to think about.

[Gbye grey sky]

It sounds very tough. And everyone and everyone's situation and relationships are different. We are moving 4 months today and it will be hard. We might not stay forever for this reason.

 

No easy answers. It's not easy or simple. It's emotionally difficult for more than just us who plan to go. That's just how it is I think.

 

And even though it is frowned upon by some on here, personally I don't see much harm in moving for 3-5 years, then coming back. It's not failure. It's just an experience. So if you don't stay, it's ok. That's what I think anyway...

 

I totally agree that it's not failure but if you have children it could prove very disruptive to their education and social development and everyone needs to weigh that up and factor it in.

[Jacaranda]

To the OP,your Mums reaction sounds completely normal to me.I don't know about anyone else,but when I had my kids,I didn't think that far ahead to when they were adults and mentally preparing myself for them to emigrate.This might be wrong but you just assume your kids will be fairly close by when they grow up.When I left Australia,my Mum was heartbroken.Looking back?I wish I hadn't of done it tbh.My Mum died last year,but being over here for years,I have lost so much time,that I could of spent with her,its painful just thinking about it.Don't we as families,want to include parents in our lives?Yes I used to speak to Mum quite often,but nothing can replace a hug,or sitting down with a cuppa,having a laugh together and a chat.Must be a double whammy when your kids leave with your grandkids.Im not saying that to guilt trip anyone either but being a Nana myself,I don't think I would ever come to terms with it tbh.You just miss out on so much time,and people are so important.

To the OP,be compassionate towards your parents hon.Like another poster said its like a grieving process.People,understandably get caught up in their own excitement,making plans,dreaming of your new life,but its not the same for those who are left behind.

[Gbye grey sky]

To the OP,your Mums reaction sounds completely normal to me.I don't know about anyone else,but when I had my kids,I didn't think that far ahead to when they were adults and mentally preparing myself for them to emigrate.This might be wrong but you just assume your kids will be fairly close by when they grow up.When I left Australia,my Mum was heartbroken.Looking back?I wish I hadn't of done it tbh.My Mum died last year,but being over here for years,I have lost so much time,that I could of spent with her,its painful just thinking about it.Don't we as families,want to include parents in our lives?Yes I used to speak to Mum quite often,but nothing can replace a hug,or sitting down with a cuppa,having a laugh together and a chat.Must be a double whammy when your kids leave with your grandkids.Im not saying that to guilt trip anyone either but being a Nana myself,I don't think I would ever come to terms with it tbh.You just miss out on so much time,and people are so important.

To the OP,be compassionate towards your parents hon.Like another poster said its like a grieving process.People,understandably get caught up in their own excitement,making plans,dreaming of your new life,but its not the same for those who are left behind.

 

I know that this is a common perspective but we didn't have a child for our sake; for company when we get old. I hope that I never hold the view that my needs or wants should come first if/when my daughter has a family of her own. I do feel it is wrong to assume that your children will become adults and stay close for your sake. But then we are all different.

[Jacaranda]

No neither did I! No one I know had kids in hope to keep them company in old age!Silly thing to say tbh.Does anyone think that far ahead?I didn't.

[Gbye grey sky]

No neither did I! No one I know had kids in hope to keep them company in old age!Silly thing to say tbh.Does anyone think that far ahead?I didn't.

 

Why do people have kids I wonder?

[Chortlepuss]

Why do people have kids I wonder?

Hormones, peer pressure, the cuteness of baby clothes.

[Que Sera Sera]

Why do people have kids I wonder?

Gawd knows.........:wink::laugh:

[Petals]

Everyone is different and everyone handles it differently. I respect my children and what they do is fine with me. They live here in Aus but my son does not live close in UK standards and I see him a couple of times a year. My daughter only lives in Brunswick and I don't see a lot of her. We just talk on the phone like you would if you were in UK. My mum lived away from me for years and years and years and it was their choice as they traveled around doing whatever they liked. Now she lives not far but I only pop down once a week we do not live in each others pockets. The thing is we do not have to see each other or be with each other to know that we love one another and are there for one another at the tough times. As far as I am concerned that is the most important thing.

 

I do not need my family I love my family

Edited March 2, 2015 by Petals

[crackerjack]

This reminds me of all the discussions about climate, which at the end of the day boil down to we are all different. My kids moved to Brisbane with their mum and step dad three years ago after I lost a court case to prevent the move. Some people wondered why I was standing in the way of my children experiencing this wonderful new life, and probably deep down thought I was selfish. Some totally understood, and were disgusted with my ex for separating my children from me. My kids were probably horribly torn I'm sure. Three years on, my nineteen year old is very settled and happy. It took my youngest longer which was understandable, and she's still doing badly at school. But it has got better for her in other ways (a boyfriend helps). However she still tells me and her family she's coming back as soon as she leaves school. I think she tells herself that so she doesn't feel trapped and ironically I think that helps her feel more settled, if that makes sense. Either way, whether they stay or come back, I just want them to be happy. Three years on for me, I have gradually adjusted to life without them in it, but the pain I felt over the loss of them I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.

 

To the original poster, I feel for your mum so much. In fact reading your post brought tears to my eyes because when my ex first told me about the move I felt like my world was falling apart. Just give her time. It is as others say grief she is experiencing/anticipating. While I appreciate the sentiment a parent should stand by your decisions, I also think its healthier to get all feelings out in the open. Everyone can see through a stiff upper lip so what's the point of having one? I had to be strong because my kids were still kids, but you are an adult, that makes a difference. Besides I always thought the Mediterranean way, with the weeping and the wailing and the wringing of hands, to be healthier. You will also be grieving for the loss of your mum in your life, so why not share that with her. Let her know it's not an easy decision, that you will miss her too. Life is messy and complicated. There is no point in tying it up in a neat package. It will only burst out if you do. On the positive side, the grief does ease. Three years on and it's no longer the first thing I think about when I open my eyes (or rarely at least). I still miss them but its less sharp. It does help that one of my lovely daughters made me a grandad in the same year my children left. She's a real ray of sunshine. But I suppose that brings me back to how hard it must be for your mum to say goodbye to her grandchildren.

 

I suppose among all this waffle is a message. It's never going to be easy. Saying goodbye will hurt and I don't think anyone should hide perfectly normal feelings. You are all adults. Your mum will hurt, but so will you. Just because you're the one who is leaving doesn't mean you won't be grieving too. You both need lots of love and understanding and support. Time will smooth the hard edges off the grief. And I wish you all the luck in the world.

Edited March 4, 2015 by crackerjack

[crackerjack]

I meant to say stepdaughters at the end, sorry.

[Jacaranda]

Nice post Crackerjack! And really how do the people leaving know how they will feel later on?Alot of people emigrate,and after the honeymoon period wears off,really start missing their family.Looking back I wish I hadn't of moved to the UK.Not because I don't like it,but the years we have missed with my immediate family,you can't replace that time.Personally I've realised,especially after Mum died last year,that people are more important than places.My Mum wanted us to move back to Oz,and although I missed her a lot,I felt the need to be here in the UK.I have some consolation that I did get to spend 2 mths with Mum before she died,but by that stage,Mum had what we think were the early stages of dementia so she wasn't totally there,if you know what I mean.