Jilldesp Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Hi, we lodged our 189 visa in Oct. We have just let our house and have moved into my mums in order to save for the big move. The problem is my 13 year old son, who has started saying he doesn't want to go! He says he is settled at school and has great friends and really enjoys his life here! I feel very guilty but at the same time should I change my plans for a child who doesn't know what's best for him? Has anyone else had this problem? I just need some advice on how to deal with it. My other 2 children r younger and not really expressed an opinion (as yet!!!) any advice would b greatly appreciated! I'm really stressing about it. Thanks xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Big changes going on in your lives,so I'm not surprised your 13 yr old son is resisting it.FWIW,its a big enough move for your son (and possibly your other children)to leave their own home and move in with your Mum.Kids that age enjoy their privacy ALOT!Then to move half way around the world as well?I'm guessing it was you and your OH's decision to move to Australia,as opposed to all of you deciding?If thats the case,you might be expecting too much to expect your son to oblige and follow you with your dreams.Actually,(and I'm saying this in a nice way,not an angry way)you don't know whats best for your son,only your son knows that! I'm not sure I would overtalk this with your son.I think I would allow him to take the lead if he wants to discuss it overwise it could become heated.Your son,as you would know this, would be fearful of the future because its not in his hands,its in yours.He does'nt know what his new school will be like,whether he will fit in,whether he'll find mates comparable to those he has now,or come to that,whether he will even like living in Australia.Be patient,and compassionate,and give your son time to adjust to all the changes going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jilldesp Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 Hi thanks for the advice! He is ok with living with his nan as for the foreseeable future, his life won't change much! We did all discuss this 12 months ago and he was really up for it! But as it doesn't happen over night, he has now changed his mind! I'm hoping he will come around to it again as we have spent £10,000! Plus I think he will have a great life experience/ adventure! It's difficult for anyone to know how it will all pan out with immigration but I'm hopeful we will have a great new life. I can't think about it any other way really. X Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 One of the prime reasons why we are moving next year when our daughter is 11 as we envisaged more resistance as she got older and was settled in secondary school with established friendships. Ultimately as parents we need to do our best to make sure as far as possible that they are not disadvantaged by a move. It is the adults decision though and I would never give her an actual say. I get irritated on the Wanted Down Under where they imply the kids votes carry the same weight as their parents. I also don't hold with those who say they are doing this move for the children. We are going because it is what we want but we will do everything we can to make it good for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paednurseclaire Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 We have been very lucky! We have a daughter of 13 and while she will miss her friends she is very positive about the move. She can't wait to start driving at 16. We have discussed all the possibilities that Australia might have to offer, jobs, weather, schooling etc etc.. Good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I guess I am looking at this with a different perspective.We had no choice in the matter,as kids,when my parents decided to emigrate to Australia.On the other hand though,years later when I wanted to return to the UK,I discussed it alot over a year or so with my aussie kids.Had they not wanted to move here,I would'nt of forced them,and would of stayed in Australia. Imho,as a family,it was very important to me that we were ALL happy making the move,not just me. I was 9 when we emigrated to Australia.As a kid,it did'nt affect me much,but as I grew older,I felt abit ripped off actually.Ripped off that I had had no say,and ripped off that we got disconnected from our extended family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I guess I am looking at this with a different perspective.We had no choice in the matter,as kids,when my parents decided to emigrate to Australia.On the other hand though,years later when I wanted to return to the UK,I discussed it alot over a year or so with my aussie kids.Had they not wanted to move here,I would'nt of forced them,and would of stayed in Australia. Imho,as a family,it was very important to me that we were ALL happy making the move,not just me.I was 9 when we emigrated to Australia.As a kid,it did'nt affect me much,but as I grew older,I felt abit ripped off actually.Ripped off that I had had no say,and ripped off that we got disconnected from our extended family. To us it is important to do our best to make our daughter happy about the move. She has had wobbles and will have more no doubt nearer the time. It is vital to us though that she does not feel she has any influence over the decision itself as if you give kids that kind of power they will try to wield it. But then again we do not have much family anyway and have little to do with them so that is not a factor for us. I'm amazed that as parents you gave your kids power of veto over where you as a family should live but each to their own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celt Down Under Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I agree with GGS on the kids veto part. Where do you draw the line on having kids dictating what you want to do in life. Would you ask them before moving anywhere, even to a new town, if they were agreeable with it? They will soon enough be of age to decide what they want to do in life, so will they be asking you if it is OK if they wish to return to the UK? I somehow doubt it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Don't get this. I was 13 when we moved, sister 11, younger brother 8 and just told "we're going to Oz." At that age you follow the old pommy maxim, "kids should be seen and not heard", seems they need to learn same Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jilldesp Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 (edited) Don't get this. I was 13 when we moved, sister 11, younger brother 8 and just told "we're going to Oz." At that age you follow the old pommy maxim, "kids should be seen and not heard", seems they need to learn same Ultimately the kids will do what we do, of course! Maybe I'm an abnormal mother for considering my sons concerns, but I am worried if he's not happy! My kids are 'allowed' freedom of speech at the end of the day. I'm sure lots of children around the globe try to protest things I wud say that is kind of normal?! I just needed some advice and reassurances about how to soothe his worrys as his mother! Edited November 23, 2014 by noworriesmate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caramac Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 We've moved a lot over my children's childhoods and there's no doubt it is unsettling for them, but handled sensitively, can be very positive. Like you, our children's happiness and welfare have always been our top priority. I think the best way forward is to listen to them, acknowledge their worries and talk them through. Don't make false promises about what life will be like (the reality can be very different from expectations, both positive and negative), but talk about possibilities and how you will help him (and he can help himself) overcome any potential problems. Tell him that you're also a bit nervous about moving into the unknown and having to make new friends, find new jobs etc, but you will all be together to help each other through. What you don't want is to stop him being able to communicate with you openly - that can lead to all sorts of problems as he grows up. Children and teenagers need to be heard just as adults do. That doesn't mean changing your plans, but just listening and being there and not minimising or dismissing their concerns. Good luck. I'm sure it'll be fine in the end! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 My daughter was 16 when we made the move my son was 9. The 16 year old was horrendous and acted up all the time we were preparing. She tried just about everything she could to scupper our move, I won't go into all here but some actions were pretty desperate. In the end when we eventually made it out and she cried the entire journey from our door to our holiday home where she locked herself away for two weeks refusing to even come out. Anyway fast forward 4.5 years and she loves it. She lives over in Brisbane with friends and her Boyfriend and has taken her Citizenship and loves it . She has said she's very glad we made this move and has no intentions of returning. You know what's best for your kids. They probably won't agree but hold fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jilldesp Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 Thanku so much for the advice! Made me feel a lot better! X We've moved a lot over my children's childhoods and there's no doubt it is unsettling for them, but handled sensitively, can be very positive. Like you, our children's happiness and welfare have always been our top priority. I think the best way forward is to listen to them, acknowledge their worries and talk them through. Don't make false promises about what life will be like (the reality can be very different from expectations, both positive and negative), but talk about possibilities and how you will help him (and he can help himself) overcome any potential problems. Tell him that you're also a bit nervous about moving into the unknown and having to make new friends, find new jobs etc, but you will all be together to help each other through. What you don't want is to stop him being able to communicate with you openly - that can lead to all sorts of problems as he grows up. Children and teenagers need to be heard just as adults do. That doesn't mean changing your plans, but just listening and being there and not minimising or dismissing their concerns. Good luck. I'm sure it'll be fine in the end! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jilldesp Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 Thanku for reply. I'm glad your daughter settled eventually! Hopefully will b the same for my eldest!!! Fingers crossed x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I guess I am looking at this with a different perspective.We had no choice in the matter,as kids,when my parents decided to emigrate to Australia.On the other hand though,years later when I wanted to return to the UK,I discussed it alot over a year or so with my aussie kids.Had they not wanted to move here,I would'nt of forced them,and would of stayed in Australia. Imho,as a family,it was very important to me that we were ALL happy making the move,not just me.I was 9 when we emigrated to Australia.As a kid,it did'nt affect me much,but as I grew older,I felt abit ripped off actually.Ripped off that I had had no say,and ripped off that we got disconnected from our extended family. After a few years and I 'got it' I felt ripped off that we'd wasted a decade odd in blighty. Still p1sses me off to this day tbh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 It's a parental decision and the kids go along for the ride! It may work for him or it may not - it won't necessarily be "better" but it will be different. If he's of the same mind in 2 years then you may look at getting him back in time for GCSEs otherwise he will have missed the boat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 It's a parental decision and the kids go along for the ride! It may work for him or it may not - it won't necessarily be "better" but it will be different. If he's of the same mind in 2 years then you may look at getting him back in time for GCSEs otherwise he will have missed the boat. In 2 years he'll be 15 and he STILL needs to do as he's told. Some poms.............. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 In 2 years he'll be 15 and he STILL needs to do as he's told. Some poms.............. Sure he does but he will have given it a good go and if it doesn't work he will be of an age to lodge with rellies and finish his education in UK and keep all his options open. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Well ours had to move approximately every 2 years whether they liked it or not, while my husband was in the RAF. Would have been pointless of them to refuse. yes it can or could be unsettling to move to a new country at any age, but what is best for the whole family should be the deciding factor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 15 year olds don't get to decide if they've 'given it a good go' as at 15 they don't know if their ar$e is on fire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Sure he does but he will have given it a good go and if it doesn't work he will be of an age to lodge with rellies and finish his education in UK and keep all his options open. Unusually you are letting your own anti-Oz sentiments cloud your judgement here. Would you advocate sending a 15 year old away from his parents to Australia to complete his education with extended family? I would never agree with giving a teenager that option. It seems an appalling suggestion to me advocating breaking up the family unit. Kids of that age and younger are notorious for wanting or threatening to leave home for the most spurious of reasons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I think it may be a bit confusing for the child if he/she thinks they have the power to stop a big move like immigration. I'd be telling them we were definitely going but would assist them in any way possible to settle and maybe give them some choice as to the school they will attend ( within reason) The main event should be non negotiable though. They will have their turn to make decisions when they reach adulthood after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I think it may be a bit confusing for the child if he/she thinks they have the power to stop a big move like immigration. I'd be telling them we were definitely going but would assist them in any way possible to settle and maybe give them some choice as to the school they will attend ( within reason) The main event should be non negotiable though. They will have their turn to make decisions when they reach adulthood after all. Exactly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolboy Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 i relate to this. I was 11 when we came to australia. My family had a vote and I lost 5 to 1. Looking back I'm sure my parents were doing the best for their family at the time. Australia has been good to me financially but it doesn't make up for the loss of my extended family and the life we would have had in England. I still feel English and can't wait for the day I can resume my life back in the UK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 i relate to this. I was 11 when we came to australia. My family had a vote and I lost 5 to 1. Looking back I'm sure my parents were doing the best for their family at the time. Australia has been good to me financially but it doesn't make up for the loss of my extended family and the life we would have had in England. I still feel English and can't wait for the day I can resume my life back in the UK. Age now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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