xlornax Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Im looking for a bit of advice and opinions. Myself and my husband came to aus in july 2013 on a 457..with intention of staying a year and then returning to uk. However we have traveled around aus quite a bit, had a few jobs, got PR now and fallen in love with the Brisbane area. We would like to stay here. The worry is that we would build a life for ourselves here and then my mum or dad would become ill or one would die and I would want to be there to care for them...then what would I do? My life and possibly family/work would be here..I couldnt just leave. If we returned to the uk (which we also like) I would be around for them. Right now they are healthy-ish..although 65 and 70 and have been very good to me. The option of them moving here isnt there. But I could set up home and settle in uk and they could both get hit by a bus and not need me! Should I plan my life around what my parents may need one day or not? They would tell me to do what I want and what makes me happy...but in a few years..if they are ill or widowed being there for them is what i will want..I think! But right now I want to stay where the sun shines! can I settle here long term? How do other ppl do this? Anyone been in that situation? Would I regret being so far away? Thanks for any thoughts Xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conniebygaslight Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 We had a similar situation but in reverse, my husband is Australian and we moved there to be closer to his family as I have none in the UK. We didn't like being in Oz at all and we made the decision to return to UK. We miss the family in Australia tremendously and my MIL passed away suddenly not long after our return to UK. It was an awful time...my FIL is 81 and we feel faraway, all my husbands siblings and their families are in Australia and we miss out on weddings births etc. We still prefer the UK though (particularly my husband) and we are in weekly contact with the family in Australia. For us it's the place not the people...if you love the place then go for it. Could you visit the UK every so often and are you an only child? unfortunately it's a massive dilemma I know...good luck in whatever you decide x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) Should you plan your life around what your parents may need one day or not? In short, no I don't think you should. If you want to stay in Aus, are happy and want to make a life there, then you should do so. I am married to an Aussie and left my parents in the UK. They are a similar age to your parents. My life is here, of course I have concerns about one of them becoming ill or some such but they are the first ones to say don't live my life for them. Go live my life for my family. If one day we need to rethink our living situation, we'll cross that bridge, but I am happy to have made the move and am not worrying about something I have no control over. Edited April 23, 2014 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xlornax Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Thanks for that .. I dont miss them or anything in the uk so I would have no reason just to visit or keep regular contact but if they were ill or alone I couldnt just leave them to it...I have two older brothers in the uk but we dnt speak and I dnt know how good they would be at stepping up and taking care of our parents..they still borrow money and get their washing done! Its not home sickness or missing family or anything. Thanks also snifter..that helps, I wish I could be so certain in my decisions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Well as a parent a bit older than yours, I would be horrified if any of my children felt in any way obliged to move near us unless that was absolutely what they wanted to do for themselves not for us. The majority of our friends to be honest don't live near their children, ok obviously health apart, everyone we know live independent lives, and cope just fine, and I have to add that we know plenty in their 80's. Some of our friends have children here in OZ, but it's a big country and their children are often many many hours away, but a lot have moved from other countries like us and left children behind. we are independent and accept that our children are and should be as well. Don't get me wrong we love our families, but also respect their right to live their lives wherever is best for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caramac Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 My parents would hate it if they thought we made our decisions based on their needs and I feel the same about my own children. My parents had their futures mapped out by my dad's parents and have always made it clear that our lives are to live where and how we want. However, I would prefer to be around if they do get to a point where they need me. They have been, and are, brilliant parents and although we don't see them all that often I know I would want to be there for them as they have always been for me and my sister. I know they would drop anything if we needed them, although that's only been tested once! I think you have to make your decisions based on how you feel. They may never need you and you'd have given up your life for nothing (if that's how coming back to the UK would make you feel). They may not even want you to look after them. On the other hand, if you would rather be here just in case and would be happy in the UK anyway then it may be that you're better off here. If being in the UK would make you miserable then I wouldn't consider it an option until you have to! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xlornax Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Thanks ramot..yes i know my parents would feel how you do which is why I couldnt talk to them abt it..but I feel like it would make me happy to give them something back and I may regret it if i dnt..but I dnt knw that...I couldnt see them sad or alone from a far, it would hurt me too much i think...but sounds like its normal maybe and expected that your kids won't be around for you forever...and maybe I'd be no good at caring for them anyway! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xlornax Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Thanks caramac..yes maybe I need to go back to the uk and see if it does make me miserable. .if it does then its not worth it probably for a 'what if' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xlornax Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 And I never thought that they might not want me to care for them lol that's a good point! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrownEyedGal Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Hi xlornax Just reading your post bought back how I felt when my mum was ill. The difficulty I found was not having PR, I worried that it would go against me having to come back to care for her. It didn't, (I was on a student visa). However my biggest issue was finance to fly back home, money to live on without working back in the UK. The family chipped in with money for me plus I managed to receive UK carer's allowance but that was jumping through hoops. So travelling back isn't necessarily the issue re parents, its the financial cost - could you afford it, could you afford to stay back in the UK and support your home life in Australia? If yes, then at least you know you could survive without that worry. I usually buy a return flight ticket which can be extended for a year. So at least I can go home once a year or use as a emergency flight home. (Cheaper from the UK for some reason or other). My mum had great friends around her and my other siblings, so that definitely made a difference with support. I always knew that I would settle in Oz, but was also aware that I wanted to spend time with my mum - which I am so glad I did now. Now that I have PR it provides that extra security for travelling to and from the UK. I still come over (am here now actually) to see my family. Its cheaper for me to travel to them. BEGal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vickyplum Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 a really good question and I'm glad you asked it @xlornax... I am hopefully Oz-bound later this year, leaving my parents behind (they are very healthy early/mid-60s but I am their only child). I don't actually have anything to add, but feel a bit relieved that someone else has asked a similar question!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xlornax Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Thanks..yes its the finances n practicalities of it all..sounds like u made it wrk though BEgal..maybe I just need to not think so far ahead..the open return is a good idea, never thought of doing that. Im relieved your thinking it too vickyplum lol I did think it was just me for a while and kept waiting for other ppl here to mention it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jlew Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Difficult one this, and is something that plays on my mind somewhat in relation to the move. I keep coming back to thinking that nobody knows what's in store for any of us, and if you always worry about the unknown "what ifs", you wouldn't do anything all. I think it's something that you have to go and do if you want to. You can always reassess in the future if you need to through changing circumstances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xlornax Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Thanks jlew..I actually feel alot better hearing all the responses and I think your right about unknowns..and nothings final, I guess plans can always be changed if/when they need to Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jlew Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Thanks jlew..I actually feel alot better hearing all the responses and I think your right about unknowns..and nothings final, I guess plans can always be changed if/when they need to Yeah, this is true. Interestingly, my parents told us that it was us keeping them in the area, and actually if we make the move it would give them the freedom to move elsewhere too. Never quite sure of the position others are in Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xlornax Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Interesting..im actually assuming alot about my parents wthout knowing how they feel or their plans. ..they might be praying I dnt come back lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 As your parents vintage I'd be telling you to bugger off and live your life as you want to live it. As my kids have done - one left in Aus, one emigrated back to UK. My parents never even thought that I, their only child, would be caring for them in their old age but life throws the occasional curve ball and here I am, caring for a pair of nonagenarians (and loving being in UK, long may it continue!). Just today my dad, with a tear in his eye said that he thought we had given them another 2 good years! If we hadn't stayed on the holiday we came on I think my mother would be in a home and he'd probably be dead with the stress of looking after an increasingly immobile, bitter woman with dementia. It's taken mum a good 18 months to accept that she needs help and dad can't do it all. Would I have envisaged this? Nope. Would I think it do-able? Nope. Am I relishing it? Most days, yes. I quite expected, in my 32 yrs in Aus, to get "the call" - had it for various other relatives! So in another 32 yrs you may be in my position and feel quite differently and make decisions based on the facts of the moment. Forever is a long time and things change! Do what you want in the moment (and you are really lucky to have siblings!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Having been in Oz for exactly 21 months, I just done that run, got a call on the 3rd, my dad, weeks to live, booked the first flight out, had a couple of days with him before he passed. dont ever underestimate the power of family. I did, but was so thankful of the support I got xx you need to think what's important to you xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xlornax Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Thanks for sharing quoll, thats really helpful and definitely made me feel clearer about things..and I guess I am lucky to have siblings..never thought I'd say that! Omg fifi69, so sorry to hear that, cant imagine what that must be like..that's good you got a couple days with him n had support. I do need to reflect on whats most important to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caramac Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Having been in Oz for exactly 21 months, I just done that run, got a call on the 3rd, my dad, weeks to live, booked the first flight out, had a couple of days with him before he passed. dont ever underestimate the power of family. I did, but was so thankful of the support I got xx you need to think what's important to you xx I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad. I'm glad you managed to get here to see him and I hope you've got lots of support now you're home again. :hug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad. I'm glad you managed to get here to see him and I hope you've got lots of support now you're home again. :hug: Nope!! But that's a different story... but thank you....it's weird I've had more messages of support from this forum, than ive had so called friends. The backbone, the regulars, are worth their weight in gold. Thank you so much for taking the time to post your message of support, means a lot to me xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caramac Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Nope!! But that's a different story... but thank you....it's weird I've had more messages of support from this forum, than ive had so called friends. The backbone, the regulars, are worth their weight in gold. Thank you so much for taking the time to post your message of support, means a lot to me xx That's very sad, I'm sorry. One of the best things about this forum is that there's always someone around even when everyone else around you is busy or asleep! Take care x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Having been in Oz for exactly 21 months, I just done that run, got a call on the 3rd, my dad, weeks to live, booked the first flight out, had a couple of days with him before he passed. dont ever underestimate the power of family. I did, but was so thankful of the support I got xx you need to think what's important to you xx So sorry to hear that Fifi! Sympathies to you and your family! I always expected the call - especially the last 10 yrs and every time we said goodbye I'm sure we all wondered if this would be the last time. No matter how prepared you are, it's always going to hit you hard. Must be a bugger of a journey knowing you've got no time left! :hug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Sorry to hear your sad news Fifi69.So glad for you that you made it home in time, you will never regret it. I was actually back in UK on a very quick trip due to my husbands work, had chatted to my mother on the tel. And arranged to see her a couple of days later, no idea she was ill, she died that night, and even now years later it hurts that I didn't see her one last time. send you love at this sad time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Myself and my husband came to aus in july 2013 on a 457..with intention of staying a year and then returning to uk.However we have traveled around aus quite a bit, had a few jobs, got PR now and fallen in love with the Brisbane area. We would like to stay here. The worry is that we would build a life for ourselves here and then my mum or dad would become ill or one would die and I would want to be there to care for them...then what would I do? My life and possibly family/work would be here..I couldnt just leave. Why not cross that bridge if and when it happens? You can't foretell the future. As others say, it's always possible (God forbid) that they'll get run over by a bus two days after you get home. Or they may still be hale and hearty in their 90's and won't want you fussing over them. Stay in Australia, get your citizenship as soon as you're able so that if you need to go home for a few years sometime in the future, you can - but you'll know you can always come back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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