Moving back after 20 years?

[skut]

Anyone moved back after a couple of decades? - Even for a fixed period of a few months?

I would be interested on peoples thoughts on the pros and cons and other long term migrants experiences on moving back after a very long period.

I was 14 when I moved here from a coal mining village in Yorkshire and am now 33 and I have always missed England. I am married with a 4 yr old son about to start school next yr. My wife was born here but is of German heritage and we have visited her relatives several times in Germany / Austria and Holland. She loves Europe but flatly refuses to move, even for just a few months, due to the upheaval.

My circumstances are complex - I shall try and summarise (It will still be an essay - many thanks if you have the patience to read through!)

Obviously it was not my decision to move here. I was simply sat down one night in 1989 and told that I was about to move to Australia. I understand it is a parents decision but I have always resented that such a monumental decision was taken about my life just like that. (Obviously I wouldn't exist without my parents but nonetheless I live here because of what my father wanted not what I wanted).

I have never had a close relationship with my father and my father figure was my maternal Grandfather who is still alive and well as can be expected at 84. He also lead the local scout troop which was the other love of my childhood and provided the most special experiences of my life. I have one other grandparent also alive and well in the village. I really want to spend time with my Grandparents while I still can. I don;t want the regret of knowing I could have spent time with them but chose not to when I still could.

I had several very close friends in England all of which I will be staying with in July on a UK visit. My friends in the UK are much, much closer to me (emotionally speaking) than my friends here.

I was always extremely fragile socially and quite academic so going to a rough western sydney high school lead to a great deal of stress and loneliness. I hate driving past it even now - My school in England was hardly fabulous but my friends were there.

I have also developed some severe mental health issues which has obviously tainted my experience of life in Australia. At University I developed OCD which completely destroyed my university life (I was given effective medication right at the end of Uni after 2.5 yrs of suffering) and I just scraped through. Two years ago I had to take 12 months off work for severe depression and was hospitalised for several months. I am still steadily recovering. I plummeted into depression on returning from the UK where I was best man at a school friends wedding.

(Moving opens up some serious health insurance issues - I have good cover now because I had it pre illness - Taking out a new policy would be next to impossible for a sane premium - I still use hospital services and need the protection and reassurance it provides. Don't know if you can maintain a policy if you are not in the country even if I moved just for a few months.

I had a life that was happy although far from perfect that I have never come close to realising again in Australia. Not even close.

There is one feeling at the core of it. When I lived in England the place was 'mine' the village was mine, the school was mine, the history of the country was mine (despite one grandfather being a european migrant) My town was mine, even if parts of it were totally crap. Australia is not me and nothing is 'mine' - I just mean this in the sense that I have no sense of heritage or belonging or pride in the place I now live. I understnad other people feel totally comfortable here, both locally born and migrant. I just never have. It just feels like I am in a foreign country alll the time despite living here for 60% of my life.

My wife refuses to entertain moving even just for a 6 month period. She is still recovering from single handedly supporting the family through my illness. I understand this but she refuses to even talk about options. With Hugo's school starting next year I don't want him to start then stop and be out of sync with the English system.

I understand England is not the one I lived in in the 1980's (and I am no longer 14) but I just want to try it out - Just for a few months.

I suspect on many fronts I may be disappointed and surprised but at least after so many years I can stop wondering - and finally the decision will be my own

Skut

[Fredtheman]

Try a holiday if you like. But I'll tell you for sure that you'll not like it. No jobs,very very cold in the winter, dirty, grime, crime, no money. It's not what you left all them years ago.And I've been there and done that what your thinking of doing. And I'm wanting back, but can't sell the house just right now. Bugger all back here so there is and the country is falling apart fast.

Try a holiday if you want to, but stay there.

Fred

[ali]

Please don't take offence as this (not meant), but could your memories of England being a happy place ... be clouded by the subsequent mental health issues that you've experienced here in Aus? Sometimes (particularly with depression), we often think of those 'pre-illness' days as being more rosey than what they perhaps were in reality.

I guess the other issue is that you're making a decision which will effect your son (as your dads decision to move to Aus did to you), and you must worry that such a move would have an equally negative impact upon him as it has seemed for you. I personally think that the suggestion of a holiday (and maybe on your own if your wife truly doesn't want to), to see if you really do want to live back in the UK, it may not be what you want ... or equally you may suddenly find that you've 'come home'

From a practical point of view regarding your illness, I don't know what level of support you receive here in Aus. In the Uk there has been a shift towards much shorter interventions and GP management of people with mental health problems, it may be that in the UK you would be unable to duplicate the level of support that already exists for you here in Aus. You need to register with A GP in the UK to access any specialised services (eg mental health),

I hope you and your family can come to some decision.

[lottiep]

I don't think comments like " I'll tell you, you won't like it" are very helpful.

I say go home for a holiday and really look at it properly.....how things really are, the weather, people, jobs, money and more importantly, the mental health system...maybe phone SANE or other helplines and local authorities and find out what's on offer and what would happen if you needed help again.

We have lived here for 5 years and I can see that it has the weather, space etc.....but I love grimy, cold England....especially the people. And for you, it might be all about the relationships....if you have very close freinds/family who you can talk to then that can make all the difference...that feeling of being accepted for who you are. I can imagine that if you are fairly sensitive than you would feel like a fish out of water here!!

I understand your wife must just be wanting a period of calm after the storm....I sometimes think it is harder on the person who has to cope then on the person with the health problem....have you thought of counselling to maybe discuss negotiating all of this?

Good luck with everything x

[Petals]

I moved back to the UK after I married and had been taken o/seas by my parents when I was 11. If you have read my posts others probably have boring stuff I lived in four different countries and it affected my life no doubt about that and my brothers.

When I returned to live in England I went through the whole homesickness for Australia bit and hated it at first got used to it and was ok, then we returned here the same thing happened and now I am completely settled here.

Have had depression myself so know what you are talking about but I believe I have to stay put as when I am unhappy its me that is causing it not the place or country or people. Unfortunately due to pressures in my life from time to time I get it.

Personally we have to deal with stuff ourselves and try not to let it impinge on others in our life as it is very hard for them.

I am completely well now and will have to take meds for the rest of my life small price to pay to feel good.

When we migrate as children especially years ago when there was little contact with our family and friends back home because the phone was dear, letters were the only contact it was very hard on us kids but you know we survived and who knows if it would have been any different if we had stayed in England. We have to lay the ghost and go forward in life and look around us and see the beauty and joy of what we have not yearn for something that we think may have beauty and joy.

I know my signs now so will never get that ill again.

[Swing low sweet chariot]

Try a holiday if you like. But I'll tell you for sure that you'll not like it. No jobs,very very cold in the winter, dirty, grime, crime, no money. It's not what you left all them years ago.And I've been there and done that what your thinking of doing. And I'm wanting back, but can't sell the house just right now. Bugger all back here so there is and the country is falling apart fast.

Try a holiday if you want to, but stay there.

Fred

And Australia doesn't have unemployment then? It's not that cold in the winter (compared to other European countries). From what I've seen the crime rate in Australia is certainly nothing to be proud of and, there is a BIG problem with drugs. As for no money, well the Australian Government had to borrow that $42 billion to aid the stimulus package. That's got to be paid back. We had a really good life in the UK, lived in the Southwest. The economic slowdown is hitting Australia quite hard and it's going to get worse. The UK will pull through and things will get better. We can't wait to come home!

[treesea]

Hi Skut,

Well I, for one, think it is definitely worth coming back if you are not really into Australia. I left England when I was young too, and have the same idea as you - it wan't my decision to leave and I told my family at the time I would one day be back. I only wish I had stayed the first time I came back, when I was in my 20s. I never imagined then that it would take me another 20 years to get back here permanently.

For those who say there is nothing back here, especially in Yorkshire or the south west, my advice is don't listen. Not everything good in life is about money or a job. We had a good look around Britain before we settled down and decided to live on the coast. The best inland places we found though were - imho :-) - in North Yorkshire. Harrogate, York, and my favourite, Knaresborough. I could live in any of those three places, jobs or no jobs, without a second thought. We did go to Bridlington, but my OH thought it was too small for his liking.

Changing schools is okay. We came home when my children were in primary school. As long as one does eventually sette somewhere, the children will settle too. My OH still fancies Australia, but the proof of the pudding was a few weeks back, when he broached the subject and our children wanted to know if he was going alone, because they woudn't be going with him.

Do you still have family here? That was a big deciding factor for me, because I really missed my cousings and aunties, uncles and grandparents when we emigrated, and I don't want my children to miss out on their extended family.

You are still young. Why spend the next 30 or 40 years of your life stuck in a place you don't feel connected to thinking of what might have been?

[joebogie]

Mental health services in the uk are a nightmare to access, as a health professional i should know, the best therapies have a huge wait and your GP does not have the time to spend with you that you need.
Just remember wherever you live in the world you are taking yourself and your emotions with you! The worst time I had was in the Maldives because of the relationship I was in, and the best, possibly the grottiest student digs in Brum ! You shouldn't rely on places/people to make you happy, until you are feeling 80% back to yourself I would try not to feel that you are missing out on not being in the uk.

[Qld Sunshine]

Good luck Skut....that's made my mind up..I'm going back for my kids future..they say they are going back at the earliest opportunity and want to be with their friends....we can always come back another day!

[Quoll]

Good luck with your decision Skut!

You are between a rock and a hard place when one of you doesnt want to go home but I tend to be on your side - the impact of living in a place that you cannot stand because you dont "belong" is much more deleterious than just not liking somewhere. Anyone can live in a place they dont like but it is much harder to live in a place where they have no sense of belongingness.

However, if your wife wont go then it does seem that you are stuck somewhat, unless you fancy splitting up your family.

It may well be that your specs are rose coloured and what you find is that you dont belong anywhere after all these years - the curse of the expat! However if you have been home for a trip and felt like you were "home", warts and all then there is a good chance that you will be happier and possibly healthier when you get there. I dont see too much to crow about with Aus mental health provisions and I imagine that UK is much the same.

Yorkshire was super last week, even with the bitterest of east winds blowing - I could happily have stayed despite the weather!