Just trying to work some stuff out.

[LKC]

I never thought I'd be in the MBTTUK forum, but here I am, after almost eight very happy years in Sydney. We are currently on holiday in the UK, and I am dreading going back to Australia. In fact I cried this morning at Culloden battlefield, when the lovely staff member asked if I was enjoying my holiday in the UK. Because it is a holiday. And I have to go back, although I don't want to. I don't belong there. I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I just don't know what to do. All our children know is Australia. Eldest has Autism (Asperger's) and severe anxiety problems and I just don't know how she'd cope with a move back. But at the same time I don't think I can stay.

 

Not really sure what to think or do. Just wanted to say some things out loud.

 

I'm not sure if it's the holiday talking, or a genuine feeling.

[Booma]

it might just be the holiday or it might not. no real need to put pressure on yourself & work that out at the moment. enjoy the rest of your holiday & then give it a couple of months back in oz & see how you feel then. you might feel the same or you might settle back quite happily.

 

even though your little one has some issues i am sure she would cope with a move to the uk given the right support. i have taught children with similar issues which is why i dont think it would be a massive problem in the medium to long term if you moved her back as long as she got the support she needed.

 

did you tell your husband how you are feeling? what was his reaction?

[LKC]

it might just be the holiday or it might not. no real need to put pressure on yourself & work that out at the moment. enjoy the rest of your holiday & then give it a couple of months back in oz & see how you feel then. you might feel the same or you might settle back quite happily.

 

even though your little one has some issues i am sure she would cope with a move to the uk given the right support. i have taught children with similar issues which is why i dont think it would be a massive problem in the medium to long term if you moved her back as long as she got the support she needed.

 

did you tell your husband how you are feeling? what was his reaction?

 

Yes, my husband knows. We have a great relationship, thankfully. He is pretty easy going and just wants everyone to be happy.

 

I think you're right. I need to go back to Aus, where I was perfectly happy before, and see how things are for a bit.

[Guest]

Hey there

 

I'd try to not overthink things right now. There could be many reasons for how you are feeling, the emotions of being back after a long time away, the seeing family and loved ones and so many other things that are probably hitting you and not giving you a chance to recover.

 

I'd usually say to enjoy the holiday and then give yourself some time once back in Aus to see where those feelings go then or how they go and to then see where you sit 6 months down the road. And to make the decisions then based on those and how your family feel too. It could be you and husband feels the same then and can then plan for a move or you may feel very differently again.

 

I think making any decision about where to live when overcome with emotion on holiday is a big thing and not one to just rush in to. But that is me. Others may say to run with it and not worry but given your kids and husband need careful consideration also I'd not be rushing anything when emotions are high. A bit of space, reflection and some time to weigh things up and see how you feel once the dust has settled, that to me is the most logical and practical thing. It may not be the ideal or easy but I think its the direction I'd be taking.

 

There are of course times in life when you ignore all that and just listen to your heart and stuff anything else, but with kids involved, I don't think I could do that anymore, but that is me. In my 20's when I was single or just me and a partner, sure, but honestly looking back, they were things that didn't pan out usually and I learnt to live with those regrets (why did I do that! What was I thinking? O wait, I wasn't :cute:) and not hold on to them. Impetus can be great but for such a big life changing thing, it needs a clearer head as well and a look at things in the cold light of day IYKWIM.

 

Having said all of that, I do have to ask how your husband is feeling or if he is aware of how you are feeling and why? And if he is on the same page as you or not. If he is feeling how you are, at least you are both in the same situation and can see how you feel as you go

[LKC]

Hey there

 

I'd try to not overthink things right now. There could be many reasons for how you are feeling, the emotions of being back after a long time away, the seeing family and loved ones and so many other things that are probably hitting you and not giving you a chance to recover.

 

I'd usually say to enjoy the holiday and then give yourself some time once back in Aus to see where those feelings go then or how they go and to then see where you sit 6 months down the road. And to make the decisions then based on those and how your family feel too. It could be you and husband feels the same then and can then plan for a move or you may feel very differently again.

 

I think making any decision about where to live when overcome with emotion on holiday is a big thing and not one to just rush in to. But that is me. Others may say to run with it and not worry but given your kids and husband need careful consideration also I'd not be rushing anything when emotions are high. A bit of space, reflection and some time to weigh things up and see how you feel once the dust has settled, that to me is the most logical and practical thing. It may not be the ideal or easy but I think its the direction I'd be taking.

 

There are of course times in life when you ignore all that and just listen to your heart and stuff anything else, but with kids involved, I don't think I could do that anymore, but that is me. In my 20's when I was single or just me and a partner, sure, but honestly looking back, they were things that didn't pan out usually and I learnt to live with those regrets (why did I do that! What was I thinking? O wait, I wasn't :cute:) and not hold on to them. Impetus can be great but for such a big life changing thing, it needs a clearer head as well and a look at things in the cold light of day IYKWIM.

 

Having said all of that, I do have to ask how your husband is feeling or if he is aware of how you are feeling and why? And if he is on the same page as you or not. If he is feeling how you are, at least you are both in the same situation and can see how you feel as you go

 

Hubby is pretty easy going. He knows how I feel and understands our situation with the kids. We have a good relationship, and I have been open with him. I did catch him looking at potential job opportunities here (Scotland), but I'm positive he'd be just as happy to stay in Aus or go wherever. He loves his job, and that is transferable. He works for a great company since he was 16 (he is 39 now), and as a director for 12 years so I'm sure they would be helpful.

[Bungo]

I never thought I'd be in the MBTTUK forum, but here I am, after almost eight very happy years in Sydney. We are currently on holiday in the UK, and I am dreading going back to Australia. In fact I cried this morning at Culloden battlefield, when the lovely staff member asked if I was enjoying my holiday in the UK. Because it is a holiday. And I have to go back, although I don't want to. I don't belong there. I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I just don't know what to do. All our children know is Australia. Eldest has Autism (Asperger's) and severe anxiety problems and I just don't know how she'd cope with a move back. But at the same time I don't think I can stay.

 

Not really sure what to think or do. Just wanted to say some things out loud.

 

I'm not sure if it's the holiday talking, or a genuine feeling.

 

A visit to UK can be emotional, to determine whether it is just the holiday talking or something deeper, park it for now and head back. You have always seemed content in Sydney and once you get back I am sure you will soon be in the swing of things again. Then in a month or two, when post holiday blues have passed look at this again and discuss with the OH. What does he think now?

 

I am sure that best thing for your daughter is a happy mum.

[Marisawright]

What others have said - wait till you've been back in Australia for a while and then review how you feel.

 

The question to ask yourself, I think, is where do you want to be in your old age? Don't answer that question now because you know what you'd say - set yourself a date, say New Year, and then sit down together and consider the question. If the answer is still that you'd expect to go back to Scotland when you retire, then don't assume you can just continue with your happy life in Sydney and go home at 65. For one thing, your children will be thoroughly Aussie by then - what if they don't want to return with you? What if you have grandkids by then, will you feel torn? It may be wiser to head home as a family before they get too attached. Of course you can't predict where they'll go as adults even so, but at least if they learn to know and love Scotland there's a chance they will stay.

[Guest The Pom Queen]

I never thought I'd be in the MBTTUK forum, but here I am, after almost eight very happy years in Sydney. We are currently on holiday in the UK, and I am dreading going back to Australia. In fact I cried this morning at Culloden battlefield, when the lovely staff member asked if I was enjoying my holiday in the UK. Because it is a holiday. And I have to go back, although I don't want to. I don't belong there. I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I just don't know what to do. All our children know is Australia. Eldest has Autism (Asperger's) and severe anxiety problems and I just don't know how she'd cope with a move back. But at the same time I don't think I can stay.

 

Not really sure what to think or do. Just wanted to say some things out loud.

 

I'm not sure if it's the holiday talking, or a genuine feeling.

Missed you on the forum Hun huge hugs :hug:

[flag of convenience]

A not abnormal reaction. For us it has become more 'normal' to have such feelings with the passing of time. It takes almost an effort to board that plane but usually things do improve once back again. Although in our case some doubt has continued to linger after trip back to Europe two years ago.

 

 

Time will tell on your return as to if this is a fleeting thing, or indeed something more profound.

[Creese]

I know how you are feeling, we went back in June for 3 weeks spent lovely time with family and friends some I haven't see for 10 years since we first left. We spent a week in London doing the whole tourist bit and loved it! I worked in London many years ago for four years but never really appreciated the place until now. We long to move back we were all in tears when we left but I have an 17 year old who loves it in OZ and has a girlfriend and swears he will never leave. We like your selves just don't know what to do. We have never felt like we belonged in OZ and going back to UK just cemented those feelings once more.

 

You have to follow your heart if you are unhappy your daughter will pick up on it, I am sure if you made the move back and would be happy she would be able to cope with it. It does help talking about it out loud I miss home so much but can only really talk to my husband about it as he feels the same way, some family members think were mad but they haven't lived it. Good luck on whatever you decide, your not alone.

[Guest BigJon]

We have just returned from 6 wonderful weeks in Europe - we loved every minute of being there. We are currently exploring our options - we haven't decided 100% that we are going back to live in the UK - but we have decided 100% that it is time to leave Australia after 15 years. Both our children are adults now and both fully support our decision - so it is time for a new adventure. For the first time in many years we feel a sense of relief and expectation for the future. You must follow your heart and do what is best for you and your family. You have many many options and no decision you make has to be permanent.

[Marisawright]

A not abnormal reaction. For us it has become more 'normal' to have such feelings with the passing of time. It takes almost an effort to board that plane but usually things do improve once back again. Although in our case some doubt has continued to linger after trip back to Europe two years ago.

 

 

Flag, I forget what's keeping you in Australia, and in Perth in particular?

[Marisawright]

For the first time in many years we feel a sense of relief and expectation for the future.

 

I think those are the feelings that tell you whether it's the right decision or not.

 

I think it's akin to ending a marriage, and the test (to see whether it's the right thing) is the same: does the idea of spending the rest of your life with that person/in that country fill you with dread? If so, then there's no sense in prolonging the agony - make the move now. And if the overwhelming feeling is relief when the decision's made, then it was the right one.

 

I loved Europe too, when we were living in the UK - and I do miss it. The problem for me is that occasional trips to Europe couldn't compensate for the rest of the year in the UK!

Edited October 9, 2016 by Marisawright

[george70]

We are planning on moving back and enjoyed a holiday there last year. However, I'm not expecting our life back there to be like the holiday was. People made a real effort when we there that I knew was way beyond what they're normally up to. For example, I went out with my lifelong mates 3 weekends running, which was great and would be lovely to slip back into. But the reality was that they hadn't seen each other for the best part of a year and were making an effort because I was there. When I move back, the likelihood is that it will be nothing like the holiday was. That's not stopping us but I would just temper the holiday style feelings with a dose of the likely reality.

[flag of convenience]

Flag, I forget what's keeping you in Australia, and in Perth in particular?

 

That's okay. No need for me to repeat. Although Perth in taking all into consideration as good as(or close)as the other capitals.

[bristolman]

I never thought I'd be in the MBTTUK forum, but here I am, after almost eight very happy years in Sydney. We are currently on holiday in the UK, and I am dreading going back to Australia. In fact I cried this morning at Culloden battlefield, when the lovely staff member asked if I was enjoying my holiday in the UK. Because it is a holiday. And I have to go back, although I don't want to. I don't belong there. I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I just don't know what to do. All our children know is Australia. Eldest has Autism (Asperger's) and severe anxiety problems and I just don't know how she'd cope with a move back. But at the same time I don't think I can stay.

 

Not really sure what to think or do. Just wanted to say some things out loud.

 

I'm not sure if it's the holiday talking, or a genuine feeling.

 

Before fully committing to a move to England I did a short reccie to make sure we weren't seeing things through rose coloured glasses. Upon arrival it very soon became clear that it was where I belonged, even though I grew up in Australia. For my wife it was simple as she always knew, the only unknowns were our 2 Brisbane born and bred kids. As it turned out they absolutely love it here so no need to worry on that count.

Sometimes you just know where you should be and you just need to take that step. This isn't a dress rehearsal, it's our one go at life.

If it is what you as a family want then grab it with both hands and enjoy, we did

[Quoll]

No magic answers, have some (((hugs))) it's a horrid feeling.

 

If you feel that your square edges are being battered by being forced into the round hole, then be true to yourself and get yourself the right shaped hole I reckon.

 

Like you, initially I was very happy in Australia - the hole wasnt too tight and my square edges could move about a bit with just the teensyest bit of friction every now and again, then the hole got smaller and the feelings of alienation got worse and the more of "me" got rubbed out with the friction. I did actually vomit one year at the thought of leaving UK - mind you, I was returning to a toxic cesspit of a workplace which I later retired from but every time I had to leave it got worse and worse, always tears!!!

 

Your kids will be fine with happy parents no matter where they are and, on the up side, I hear from returnees that the services for kids with autism in UK are better than those in Australia. One of our returnees' child has absolutely blossomed from a kid who had been virtually written off in NSW.

[Quoll]

We are planning on moving back and enjoyed a holiday there last year. However, I'm not expecting our life back there to be like the holiday was. People made a real effort when we there that I knew was way beyond what they're normally up to. For example, I went out with my lifelong mates 3 weekends running, which was great and would be lovely to slip back into. But the reality was that they hadn't seen each other for the best part of a year and were making an effort because I was there. When I move back, the likelihood is that it will be nothing like the holiday was. That's not stopping us but I would just temper the holiday style feelings with a dose of the likely reality.

 

Very good attitude to take - you can never go "back" to what you had (unless you are incredibly fortunate) but you can move on - treat it like a new adventure, expect to have to make new friends, live in new places etc and you will be just fine!

[caramac]

It's a horrible feeling. Is it your first trip back to the UK since emigrating? I remember feeling the same way when we were on our first trip back to the UK - I could easily have stayed here and cried almost all the way back on the plane! However, to my complete surprise, once we arrived back and settled back in I was fine. Try not to overthink things (impossible I know!) and see how you feel when you get back, then maybe you can start to plan from there.

 

How has your daughter coped with your holiday? If it hasn't been too stressful for her, maybe she'd cope better than you're anticipating? I do believe that children are happier if their parents are happy (until they reach the teen years when life tends to be all about them :wink:) and having a mum who isn't stressed must be better for your daughter than one who is. Support for children with additional needs is pretty good here, so she would have the help she needs to settle again, so I wouldn't put that obstacle in my way.

 

Try to see going back to Australia as not permanent, simply the next phase. Would that help? You're lucky that your husband is easygoing and wants you to be happy (and looking at jobs in Scotland is a good sign!), so you don't have to feel trapped. It must be so horrible for those who have no choice - the trapped feeling must be so much worse.

I do feel for you - enjoy the rest of your holiday - this Autumn has been absolutely glorious!

[Quokka2005]

If i remember right you hadnt been back in the uk for a long tine till now? It could just be a mix of feelings. Like someone else said - think about where you want to be when you're older. Enjoy the rest of your holiday and see how you feel after a few weeks of being back. You might settle back in australia.

 

If you did decide to move to scotland/england after looking at jobs then i can give you the names of some autism services if you wanted, i work for one.

 

Where have you been in scotland so far? Hope you enjoy the rest of your time

[tea4too]

I just wanted to wish you well LKC. I understand the need to feel a sense of belonging as it is a powerful emotion but if it is the holiday that has unsettled you, there is perhaps a good chance that a return the familiarity of your home and routine in Aus will restore the balance.

 

On the other hand if your sense of belonging was out of kilter before the holiday, perhaps it is time to talk through the options with your OH and agree a timeframe for moving on to the next chapter for your family. We make and remake decisions all our lives and, while this seems a huge dilemma now, it is manageable as you have options and a partner who is happy to work through those options with you. Take care, T x

[LKC]

Before fully committing to a move to England I did a short reccie to make sure we weren't seeing things through rose coloured glasses. Upon arrival it very soon became clear that it was where I belonged, even though I grew up in Australia. For my wife it was simple as she always knew, the only unknowns were our 2 Brisbane born and bred kids. As it turned out they absolutely love it here so no need to worry on that count.

Sometimes you just know where you should be and you just need to take that step. This isn't a dress rehearsal, it's our one go at life.

If it is what you as a family want then grab it with both hands and enjoy, we did

 

i think it is the kids, particularly our eldest, which worry me. She has Asperger's and as she is getting towards high school she is increasingly suffering with anxiety. She is under a psychologist at the moment for that. She struggles socially, particularly since it is increasingly apparent that there is a difference between her and neurotypical girls.

 

I wonder if a reccie rather than a holiday might be worthwhile. We'd have to wait for oh to accumulate some more leave, but we could manage it.

[LKC]

No magic answers, have some (((hugs))) it's a horrid feeling.

 

If you feel that your square edges are being battered by being forced into the round hole, then be true to yourself and get yourself the right shaped hole I reckon.

 

Like you, initially I was very happy in Australia - the hole wasnt too tight and my square edges could move about a bit with just the teensyest bit of friction every now and again, then the hole got smaller and the feelings of alienation got worse and the more of "me" got rubbed out with the friction. I did actually vomit one year at the thought of leaving UK - mind you, I was returning to a toxic cesspit of a workplace which I later retired from but every time I had to leave it got worse and worse, always tears!!!

 

Your kids will be fine with happy parents no matter where they are and, on the up side, I hear from returnees that the services for kids with autism in UK are better than those in Australia. One of our returnees' child has absolutely blossomed from a kid who had been virtually written off in NSW.

 

This is exactly how I feel. Rather than feeling more at home, I feel less at home. I've heard that autistic kids are better helped in the UK. She has anxiety problems, and as she gets older it is becoming more and more apparent that she is different to the other girls in her year. She is under a psychologist for the anxiety at the moment, but still worked herself into such a state on the flight over that I couldn't calm her and she vomited about two hours before we got to Heathrow. I am worried that I will be taking her away from her one friend, but on the other hand a clean break with more support night be beneficial.

 

Lots to think about.

[LKC]

Very good attitude to take - you can never go "back" to what you had (unless you are incredibly fortunate) but you can move on - treat it like a new adventure, expect to have to make new friends, live in new places etc and you will be just fine!

 

I agree, and I think that this is why we would try somewhere else in the UK. I wouldn't want the same or to go back, and would definitely be up for a new adventure. We lived near Bury St Edmunds before we left, but we weren't really settled in Cambridgeshire/Suffolk (we did 9 moves in 10 years around that area and never found somewhere we could settle).

[Quoll]

I agree, and I think that this is why we would try somewhere else in the UK. I wouldn't want the same or to go back, and would definitely be up for a new adventure. We lived near Bury St Edmunds before we left, but we weren't really settled in Cambridgeshire/Suffolk (we did 9 moves in 10 years around that area and never found somewhere we could settle).

 

 

Oh were you in Bury?! So was Daniel Watts! My mob were all from around that area - Mildenhall mainly- so there is a sort of ancestral gene connection thing going on for me there but I would be equally at home up in Durham/Northumberland or even central London (for the same reasons). I don't know, though that anywhere is perfect for me - Cambridge is lovely but familiarity breeds contempt and I really have to shake myself to say, this is only temporary, make the most of every minute (we had no choice, we are living in my parents' home, and if I had been free to choose I would have chosen somewhere different). To a degree, there is the curse of the expat - I just have itchy feet I guess and see no need to "settle" for the duration, anywhere but not everyone feels that way. I think I would be happy in a camper van LOL

 

I guess you could either stick a pin or prioritise like crazy - Herefordshire is lovely, Devon and Cornwall are to die for, North Yorkshire is rugged, The Highlands are even ruggeder - spoiled for choice really!