Husband wants to return to Oz, I don't, situation is hell

[Antipodista]

I'm new to the forum and desperate for advice.

My husband and I moved to Australia years ago, he was emigrating with his family and I followed. I never truly thought of Oz as home and suffered from dreadful homesickness, but I love my husband very much and stayed for my relationship. After years of struggle I finally made some great friends (most of which have returned to the uk), we had our gorgeous first baby, and we bought a house (albeit far from any major centre as we couldn't afford to be in the city, but it is a beautiful home and I was excited), and had our second baby.

Just after we bought the house, we had the news that my father had terminal cancer. My husband and I made the decision to rent our Aussie home and come back to the UK to be with my Dad for the time he had left. However the plan was to return to Oz within 2 years.

however, now we are back me and the children have settled in wonderfully, and I am so happy. I have secured a really good job that I just wouldn't get back in Oz, we have so much help with the children from my mum (we had no help from my husband's parents despite the fact that I know they loved the kids), we have reconnected with old friends, my husband has a really flexible job, we live in a lovely area...and I don't and the thought of going back makes me terrified. I feel like the missing piece of me is back and I love seeing my kids thrive. my husband is livid and feels like I have manipulated the situation...it's a total mess.

if we go back we will be depriving the kids of their grandmother (she has such a close relationship with the kids) and my family who love them dearly, and my career and mental health will suffer. But on the flip side, oz is maybe a better place to raise kids? And I don't think my relationship will survive it if we stay here.

anyone been in a similar situation? Can you offer any words of advice or hope?!

thanks

[VERYSTORMY]

The most important thing is to try and have a calm discussion with your husband.

 

This is a lot more common than you think sadly and the same story appears regularly. Ultimately, you have to do what makes you happy and no, I don't think Australia is any better a place to raise children.

[Gbye grey sky]

I'm new to the forum and desperate for advice.

My husband and I moved to Australia years ago, he was emigrating with his family and I followed. I never truly thought of Oz as home and suffered from dreadful homesickness, but I love my husband very much and stayed for my relationship. After years of struggle I finally made some great friends (most of which have returned to the uk), we had our gorgeous first baby, and we bought a house (albeit far from any major centre as we couldn't afford to be in the city, but it is a beautiful home and I was excited), and had our second baby.

Just after we bought the house, we had the news that my father had terminal cancer. My husband and I made the decision to rent our Aussie home and come back to the UK to be with my Dad for the time he had left. However the plan was to return to Oz within 2 years.

however, now we are back me and the children have settled in wonderfully, and I am so happy. I have secured a really good job that I just wouldn't get back in Oz, we have so much help with the children from my mum (we had no help from my husband's parents despite the fact that I know they loved the kids), we have reconnected with old friends, my husband has a really flexible job, we live in a lovely area...and I don't and the thought of going back makes me terrified. I feel like the missing piece of me is back and I love seeing my kids thrive. my husband is livid and feels like I have manipulated the situation...it's a total mess.

if we go back we will be depriving the kids of their grandmother (she has such a close relationship with the kids) and my family who love them dearly, and my career and mental health will suffer. But on the flip side, oz is maybe a better place to raise kids? And I don't think my relationship will survive it if we stay here.

anyone been in a similar situation? Can you offer any words of advice or hope?!

thanks

 

Just curious, but why would you think that?

 

My suggestion would be marriage counselling. Given all that you have posted clearly a move to Oz is a non-starter so it is a matter of saving your marriage really. Kids thrive when both parents are pulling together and you would all be better off if you can find a way to manage the situation even if that means regular holidays/trips to Oz to visit his family there.

[JockinTas]

I also think marriage counselling would be a very good idea.

 

Australia is just another first world country - no better or worse for bringing up children. Also the job situation here isn't as great as it was.

 

Hope things work out for you.

[Quoll]

Marriage guidance counselling! I do know exactly how you feel and for about three first two years of being back in UK I would throw up at the thought of returning to Australia. Now, 5 years down the track I can view a return with marginally more equanimity but that is because we are doing the hard yards and will have done or best for my parents so there will be no residual guilt.

 

However you are in quite a different place because from what you have said, you live in a good area, you have a better support network and you both have good career things going and your kids are happy. To chuck that in for a lesser support network, poorer career options in a place which damaged your mental health once before then there would have to be something really special to justify a move. No, Australia is not inherently better for kids, it's just another first world country.

 

Sometimes we just have to remember that life is what happens when you are busy making other plans and maybe counselling can help you reach a compromise - ours (back then when I loathed Australia with a passion) was that he would keep workjng and not sell up and go and live in the bush and I would be able to have my sanity hits whenever I wanted them (twice a year sometimes). Maybe you need to ensure that he can go back for visits when he needs to but counselling might be able to see you achieve a compromise situation. I do know about changing goalposts - my DH did it to me and my d-i-l had done it to my son (he's the one who reminded me about life happening!) and when you are the one who feels duped it is hard but you should always consider the worser option and sometimes we do have to make the best of the least worst option - only you two can work out which of you is going to be strong enough to do that.

 

But, given Australia's unpreparedness to let kids leave the country if one parent says they can't leave I would fight tooth and nail not to go in the first place unless I was 110% certain that it would benefit me and the kids.

 

Good luck! Rock and hard place spring to mind

[bunbury61]

I'm new to the forum and desperate for advice.

My husband and I moved to Australia years ago, he was emigrating with his family and I followed. I never truly thought of Oz as home and suffered from dreadful homesickness, but I love my husband very much and stayed for my relationship. After years of struggle I finally made some great friends (most of which have returned to the uk), we had our gorgeous first baby, and we bought a house (albeit far from any major centre as we couldn't afford to be in the city, but it is a beautiful home and I was excited), and had our second baby.

Just after we bought the house, we had the news that my father had terminal cancer. My husband and I made the decision to rent our Aussie home and come back to the UK to be with my Dad for the time he had left. However the plan was to return to Oz within 2 years.

however, now we are back me and the children have settled in wonderfully, and I am so happy. I have secured a really good job that I just wouldn't get back in Oz, we have so much help with the children from my mum (we had no help from my husband's parents despite the fact that I know they loved the kids), we have reconnected with old friends, my husband has a really flexible job, we live in a lovely area...and I don't and the thought of going back makes me terrified. I feel like the missing piece of me is back and I love seeing my kids thrive. my husband is livid and feels like I have manipulated the situation...it's a total mess.

if we go back we will be depriving the kids of their grandmother (she has such a close relationship with the kids) and my family who love them dearly, and my career and mental health will suffer. But on the flip side, oz is maybe a better place to raise kids? And I don't think my relationship will survive it if we stay here.

anyone been in a similar situation? Can you offer any words of advice or hope?!

thanks

 

Oh so sorry to hear of your situation ....the one opinion is that for sure oz is probably one of the top places on earth to raise young children ,without question .

Once they get into late teens I feel its a different story .

Both my daughters have been brought up here in the u.k.

They are behind their Aussie cousins materially ,but it is counter balanced by their life experiences and choices here in the u.k.

My youngest has just visited Venice for the 4th time ...she is 16.

You gain on one hand ,and lose on the other.

Then there is your mom.....my girls are the only 2 grand kids here in the u.k ,and to be blunt ,they keep my mom going,and I wouldn't change that .

If you live in a decent area and are happy ,stand your ground .

My wife wouldn't move back to oz either ,she loved it ,but says ,we are too long away now

[Jemvin]

Hi I'm sorry for your situation and in sorry I don't have great advice for you, I understand how you feel though. As a Brit living in Australia which is a wonderful place, lovely climate, we have a great income and lovely house that we couldn't get back home , a massive part of me is empty. Last year we had our first child and I suffered with severe post natal depression. The distance became a massive issue for me and lack of support from not having family and friends and most importantly my own mum.

 

I think children need a happy mum , that's more important than the choice of place you choose to raise them.

 

My my partner is willing to move to the uk for me though I know he doesn't really want to. I feel as though we will hit some hard times and resentment. I just thought I would share my store with you and you sometimes have to fight for your happiness. How badly does your husband want to return ? Is it more than you want to stay? Can you compromise on a 5 year plan ? Could you maybe explain to him how much you have already sacrificed by living in Australia previously? It's very hard but I wish you the best

[Tulip1]

I agree with all the above. I do of course understand your husbands annoyance and him feeling you have manipulated the situation. Afterall, you made a decision together to return because of the situation with your dad and agreed you would head back home to Oz within two years and now you're saying you don't want to. He obviously trusted you fully when you both agreed that and very understandable how he now feels. I do think sometimes in life we have to be 'selfish' and true to ourselves so I don't think you should return. Hopefully your marriage is strong enough to survive, marriage counselling would be good. He either will learn to accept your choice or have his own right to do what's best for him too. I hope it works out.

[Tulip1]

I doubt he would compromise on a five year plan. Their two year plan has just fallen to pieces.

[starlight7]

I'm wondering why your husband is so keen to return given things are pretty good for you over in the uk. Does he get on well with your mum or is that an issue? Just wondering, and possibly really wrong, but does he think your mum interferes? If that was an issue you could maybe talk it through . I don't know this of course and perhaps I am way off beam-don't wish to offend you!

[Marisawright]

I love Australia but as others have said, while it's a great place to bring up kids, once they're young adults the benefit swings the other way - they'll have much better higher education and career opportunities in the UK. So I certainly wouldn't be sacrificing your own happiness for the illusion that your kids will be better off in Oz.

 

I'm also wondering, why does your oh want to go back to Australia? You don't say he's Australian, so why is he so desperate to go? Maybe look at why he's so unhappy in the UK and see whether there's something you could do to make his stay in the UK happier.

 

I do think marriage counselling is going to be essential.

[Bungo]

When I read the thread title and even the first line or two, I was expecting to respond that you need to stay put or end up getting trapped. And not for one second do I think Australia is better (or worse) for children.

 

But when I read the bit about agreeing to go back for two years only whilst your father was ill, well that puts a whole different light on it. Now I am in two minds, I think couples have to stick to agreements like that (unless you jointly decide something different). How would you like it if it were the other way around and then he refused to leave Australia? Yes you have your family in UK, but he has his in Australia.

 

It is a very tricky one and I agreee that counselling may be the only way forward. Is he actually unhappy in the UK or does he just prefer Australia.

[ali]

I love Australia but as others have said, while it's a great place to bring up kids, once they're young adults the benefit swings the other way - they'll have much better higher education and career opportunities in the UK. So I certainly wouldn't be sacrificing your own happiness for the illusion that your kids will be better off in Oz.

 

I'm also wondering, why does your oh want to go back to Australia? You don't say he's Australian, so why is he so desperate to go? Maybe look at why he's so unhappy in the UK and see whether there's something you could do to make his stay in the UK happier.

I do think marriage counselling is going to be essential.

 

 

Whilst Aus is no better (or worse) than the UK, I don't agree that young adults have a better advantage in the Uk, my eldest hasn't been disadvantaged educationally and is doing her masters at 21

[starlight7]

A good university in Australia will open up doors the same as a good British one would. Not all universities are that good here any more than are some of the British ones. I think I agree with Bungo on this- an agreement is an agreement.

[Marisawright]

Whilst Aus is no better (or worse) than the UK, I don't agree that young adults have a better advantage in the Uk, my eldest hasn't been disadvantaged educationally and is doing her masters at 21

 

Good for her, but she had a much smaller choice of subjects to do her Masters in. That may not have worried her, but it is frustrating for people who want to take a degree in a niche subject - in the UK there's a much better chance you'll find a university that offers less common areas of study compared to Oz. Anyway my point is that the children's future shouldn't even be a consideration, they'll do well whichever country they grow up in.

Edited August 7, 2016 by Marisawright

[Antipodista]

When I read the thread title and even the first line or two, I was expecting to respond that you need to stay put or end up getting trapped. And not for one second do I think Australia is better (or worse) for children.

 

But when I read the bit about agreeing to go back for two years only whilst your father was ill, well that puts a whole different light on it. Now I am in two minds, I think couples have to stick to agreements like that (unless you jointly decide something different). How would you like it if it were the other way around and then he refused to leave Australia? Yes you have your family in UK, but he has his in Australia.

 

It is a very tricky one and I agreee that counselling may be the only way forward. Is he actually unhappy in the UK or does he just prefer Australia.

 

I agree with you, and that is my dilemma! If I didn't have a conscience about it this would be an easy decision - stay where the kids and I are happier. But I made a bargain. The fact is that the bargain will make me utterly miserable. Maybe that is a fact I have to accept. I don't know what it is...our lives are certainly much fuller here. He says it is the weather and the beach (even though we aren't beach-goers at all really!) I think he might be confused too. It is very difficult. Thank you for your comment :-)

[Antipodista]

Thanks for all of your comments and suggestions so far, it is good for thought and great comfort that people understand.

Edited August 7, 2016 by Antipodista

[Antipodista]

Hi I'm sorry for your situation and in sorry I don't have great advice for you, I understand how you feel though. As a Brit living in Australia which is a wonderful place, lovely climate, we have a great income and lovely house that we couldn't get back home , a massive part of me is empty. Last year we had our first child and I suffered with severe post natal depression. The distance became a massive issue for me and lack of support from not having family and friends and most importantly my own mum.

 

I think children need a happy mum , that's more important than the choice of place you choose to raise them.

 

My my partner is willing to move to the uk for me though I know he doesn't really want to. I feel as though we will hit some hard times and resentment. I just thought I would share my store with you and you sometimes have to fight for your happiness. How badly does your husband want to return ? Is it more than you want to stay? Can you compromise on a 5 year plan ? Could you maybe explain to him how much you have already sacrificed by living in Australia previously? It's very hard but I wish you the best

 

thanks for your perspective - it is so tricky isn't it? I had actually just started to settle in Oz and was really nervous about what I would face coming back to the UK, I wasn't expecting it to fall into place so quickly or to feel so...me...again. It's very difficult being between two places, I just don't want my babies to suffer.

[bunbury61]

Whilst Aus is no better (or worse) than the UK, I don't agree that young adults have a better advantage in the Uk, my eldest hasn't been disadvantaged educationally and is doing her masters at 21

 

Certainly not disadvantaged in oz ,but the u.k ( and Europe) has more going on ...far more choice .

I think my daughters have lost out materially ( owning houses etc) ,but their life c.v more than makes up for it .

My eldest has a decent job ,shops in London ,and was in Paris for the weekend ,last week .

She's never in ...

Without question oz takes some beating for young kids ,but for teenagers onwards ,for me its the u.k .

[Quoll]

thanks for your perspective - it is so tricky isn't it? I had actually just started to settle in Oz and was really nervous about what I would face coming back to the UK, I wasn't expecting it to fall into place so quickly or to feel so...me...again. It's very difficult being between two places, I just don't want my babies to suffer.

 

Your babies won't suffer unless they end up with a miserable mother with fragile mental health, in which case they will suffer greatly because you won't be able to give them the time and attention they need nor the modelling of strong happy behaviour which will enhance their resilience as they grow. You would damage them more by a return to a place you don't belong in. Educationally they would, on balance, be better in UK. Experientially their options will probably be wider in UK. Adolescent mental health issues and youth suicide are worse in Aus. In my experience, school bullying is worse in Aus. And the weather - hmm, that old chestnut. When my eldest was very small, we slathered him with sunscreen (in the days before rash vests) and we accidentally missed a bit and he got burned - now in adulthood he has to have regular mole checks, especially where he got burned, and he's had a few taken off. My daughter in law won't let the grandkids play outside much of the time because of the sun - it's a swings and roundabouts kinda thing!

 

I do see that you had an agreement and that makes it hard but on the other hand, surely your husband is happy to have got "you" back as well? My DH commented very early on that it was lovely to get his wife back because I was so much happier now I belong! This is just another of those curve balls that life throws at you so you get on and make the most of it!

 

A word of caution about a longer term agreement, especially if that involves you giving Aus another go - if you do that you will never be allowed to leave, not with your kids anyway. Read up on the Hague Convention and the Australian Family Court decisions about kids being permitted to leave the country - it makes for dismal reading!

Edited August 7, 2016 by Quoll

[Johnny]

Thanks for all of your comments and suggestions so far, it is good for thought and great comfort that people understand.

 

 

From what I have seen with folk who have taken counselling and mediation etc, unless both parties really want it to work, it usually has little success and often just prolongs the inevitable.

 

If you are happy and the kids are happy, then that's all you need, so stay here

 

Once you set foot on aussie soil again, you cant leave with them apparently - so be strong and stick to your guns.

 

Do what your gut feeling tells you to do.

 

I know what you mean about feeling complete again after being home....that "me" feeling. We too felt it the minute our plane landed at Heathrow.

 

Groundhog day in the suburbs of Oz again.....I would not wish that on anyone.

 

Stay in UK if you love it !! Its great here !!

[ali]

Certainly not disadvantaged in oz ,but the u.k ( and Europe) has more going on ...far more choice .

I think my daughters have lost out materially ( owning houses etc) ,but their life c.v more than makes up for it .

My eldest has a decent job ,shops in London ,and was in Paris for the weekend ,last week .

She's never in ...

Without question oz takes some beating for young kids ,but for teenagers onwards ,for me its the u.k .

 

Choice for what? My daughter is doing the course she wants to do at a top Uni, she's off to Madrid and Rome in a few weeks and is well travelled, she's adjudicated at an International Schools scholars event (which will look impressive on her CV), Like everything, we can't make blanket statements that one place is better than the other, only relate our own experiences

[Marisawright]

Choice for what? My daughter is doing the course she wants to do at a top Uni

 

Nobody is saying your daughter could've got a better education in the UK. They're just saying she could've had more choice of course in the UK. Maybe she didn't want more choice, it so happened that they had exactly the course she wanted locally - well bully for her, it might not be so fine for other children.

 

It's nothing to do with the quality of Australian unis v British unis. It's a simple matter of economics. There are so many British universities and colleges that they need to differentiate themselves more by offering specialist degrees. That would've been an issue for me when I was at that age - in Australia I would've had to do some kind of general degree followed by a postgrad in my speciality, which would be more expensive and take longer. Whereas in the UK you can get the same recognised qualification at degree level. Much easier.

Edited August 8, 2016 by Marisawright

[Booma]

Nobody is saying your daughter could've got a better education in the UK. They're just saying she could've had more choice of course in the UK. Maybe she didn't want more choice, it so happened that they had exactly the course she wanted locally - well bully for her, it might not be so fine for other children.

 

It's nothing to do with the quality of Australian unis v British unis. It's a simple matter of economics. There are so many British universities and colleges that they need to differentiate themselves more by offering specialist degrees. That would've been an issue for me when I was at that age - in Australia I would've had to do some kind of general degree followed by a postgrad in my speciality, which would be more expensive and take longer. Whereas in the UK you can get the same recognised qualification at degree level. Much easier.

 

 

one of my friends in the uk did viking studies & it led to a wonderful career working on the checkout in tesco. might have been better to study harry potter or the beetles which was also on offer but probably would of ended up on the same checkout.

[Booma]

I'm new to the forum and desperate for advice.

My husband and I moved to Australia years ago, he was emigrating with his family and I followed. I never truly thought of Oz as home and suffered from dreadful homesickness, but I love my husband very much and stayed for my relationship. After years of struggle I finally made some great friends (most of which have returned to the uk), we had our gorgeous first baby, and we bought a house (albeit far from any major centre as we couldn't afford to be in the city, but it is a beautiful home and I was excited), and had our second baby.

Just after we bought the house, we had the news that my father had terminal cancer. My husband and I made the decision to rent our Aussie home and come back to the UK to be with my Dad for the time he had left. However the plan was to return to Oz within 2 years.

however, now we are back me and the children have settled in wonderfully, and I am so happy. I have secured a really good job that I just wouldn't get back in Oz, we have so much help with the children from my mum (we had no help from my husband's parents despite the fact that I know they loved the kids), we have reconnected with old friends, my husband has a really flexible job, we live in a lovely area...and I don't and the thought of going back makes me terrified. I feel like the missing piece of me is back and I love seeing my kids thrive. my husband is livid and feels like I have manipulated the situation...it's a total mess.

if we go back we will be depriving the kids of their grandmother (she has such a close relationship with the kids) and my family who love them dearly, and my career and mental health will suffer. But on the flip side, oz is maybe a better place to raise kids? And I don't think my relationship will survive it if we stay here.

anyone been in a similar situation? Can you offer any words of advice or hope?!

thanks

 

i feel sorry for your husband. you followed him to oz & decided to marry him & have children now you are going back on the agreement you made with him. i know things can change but it doesnt seem very fair to him. he must feel like you tricked him. i think you just need to decide if you love him or the uk more.