Are we too old at 70 to think of returning to U.K.

[KALINDA]

My husband and I emigrated to Australia in 2007 on a Contributory Parent Visa and became Citizens in 2012....however family circumstances have made us rethink where we really want to be at the end of our lives e.g. here in Oz where so far we have been very happy and involved or back in the U.K. with our daughter and remaining relatives and good friends. Here we have a son and our two gorgeous grandchildren aged 7 and 9....it breaks my heart to think of leaving them but...unfortunately there has been a recent big rift in the family between our daughter-in-law and in particular my husband which has caused him to want to return asap to the u.k. I am so torn in this decision...in fact with a daughter in U.K. and a son here ...I have and would always would be torn...but where is it best for us to be? I guess my place and loyalties are for my husband of 45 years! Are we too old at nearly 70 to be contemplating another big move across the world? We would probably look to re-settle in the South East where we came from but it is looking a bit pricey!! Would welcome any reflections on our dilemma...any tips etc

[Tickled Pink]

I'm not sure what to say regarding what would be best, but in terms of are you too old - plenty of people's parents come here on the visa you are on at your age and set themselves up (a friend of mine has parents doing it at 79 and 80 presently). So are you too old to do it the other way? I don't think so. You have family and familiarity on your side returning. You know how things work in the UK etc. If it feels right then don't see age as your reason not to necessarily. At least you have citizenship too.

[Guest241083]

............no I don't think your too old.....

............but beware making a decision on a recent argument....!

............don't let that be the reason for your decision.....

.............time helps us see things differently......and it would be a shame to regret moving....

..............if the relationship mends....

..............move because it suits you.......not because of an argument....however hurtful....

...............I wish you the best of luck.......and daughter in laws....!

................not always the easiest ime....

[calNgary]

If you have been out of the country almost 10 years ,just check what you are actually entitled to if you did return. Also as sad as it is having a family rift, try not to make a rash decision based purely on that, especially if you were happy here prior to the disagreement. Have you spoken with your son about how you / your husband feels?

I truly hope things work out and you find happiness in whichever country you decide to live in.

 

Cal x

[Diane]

If you own a house here, would it be possible to sell it and use the proceeds to maybe rent somewhere here for six months and somewhere in the UK for six months? I know the flight is a pain, but I know of a few retired couples now that do this and with offspring in both countries, it allows you to spend time with both, and if disagreements happen, it gives everyone a little time to get over stuff before the next visit.

[Bungo]

My husband and I emigrated to Australia in 2007 on a Contributory Parent Visa and became Citizens in 2012....however family circumstances have made us rethink where we really want to be at the end of our lives e.g. here in Oz where so far we have been very happy and involved or back in the U.K. with our daughter and remaining relatives and good friends. Here we have a son and our two gorgeous grandchildren aged 7 and 9....it breaks my heart to think of leaving them but...unfortunately there has been a recent big rift in the family between our daughter-in-law and in particular my husband which has caused him to want to return asap to the u.k. I am so torn in this decision...in fact with a daughter in U.K. and a son here ...I have and would always would be torn...but where is it best for us to be? I guess my place and loyalties are for my husband of 45 years! Are we too old at nearly 70 to be contemplating another big move across the world? We would probably look to re-settle in the South East where we came from but it is looking a bit pricey!! Would welcome any reflections on our dilemma...any tips etc

 

Sorry to hear of your dilemma, it is a tough one with chilldren on both locations. But you are not too old, you moved the other way it that long ago and that is surely a more disruptive move than returning to the home country. I also think my loyalties would be with my husband of 45 years, but I agree with someone else that said try not to make a decision after a family row, see if you can heal the rift any and then make a decision.

 

good luck.

[Wa7]

Of course you are not too old, if you was asking about climbing Mount Everest then maybe..............do what will keep you happy, grandkids etc will be fine.

[Richard01]

Trust me, sort the issue out first then rediscover your plans

If you did leave, you will (eventually) regret leaving in such circumstances for the rest of your life

Life is about compromise, you will feel so much better, and able to make some decisions if you tackle the 'issue' head on...

Short term pain for long term gain, and all that!

[Fisher1]

Trust me, sort the issue out first then rediscover your plans

If you did leave, you will (eventually) regret leaving in such circumstances for the rest of your life

Life is about compromise, you will feel so much better, and able to make some decisions if you tackle the 'issue' head on...

Short term pain for long term gain, and all that!

 

 

I agree with downunder 2016 - do everything you can to heal the breach before you go - otherwise you are going to find it difficult to return for a visit. I agree that your loyalties lie with your husband of forty five years, but that door swings both ways and if you are prepared to return to the UK to live, I think it's fair that he should also be prepared to try and heal the breach before you go. Not easy though, I know, and if it's a major issue then perhaps not possible. Whatever you decide, don't let it be on the basis of age - seventy is not too old - you've done it once and you can do it again, just maybe a bit more slowly! Good luck with it all and I hope you manage to sort things our a bit with your d.in law.

[Quoll]

Definitely not too old! Shame about the rift - sometimes they are patch-upable sometimes they are not and sometimes distance makes it easier to manage them. Without the rift, where would you want to be spending your twilight years? Is your son going to be needing support because of this? (Strange question but with two boys, one of whose relationship has gone bad, they are sometimes the ignored ones because you think they are man enough to cope but he's maybe the burger in a very uncomfortable bun at the moment)

 

But, yes, your husband is the one to be with. At least you have citizenship so you can come and go. Good luck with it!

[ramot]

One other thing to consider is if for example you return to UK to live near your daughter, there is no guarantee that she won't move, so you have to consider where you will be happy to live long term.

 

Hope you can resolve the rift.

[Skippy1]

Life is too short.......doesn't matter who is at fault...........someone has to say sorry or whatever.....whether its right or wrong as the elder statesman youre hubby should bite his tongue and do the deed for the good of all and sort it out before any move

[Petals]

I think I would let the dust settle. The problem is with your son and his wife to sort out. You love the grandchildren and they will miss you. If things are pear shaped in your son's marriage it does not mean that you cannot still remain in the lives of your grandchildren here and they may need you here now. If your son upsticks and moves back to England and then decides once again when the dust settles he wants to return to Aus where does that leave you. You like it here you are happy here and the weather probably suits you as you age.

 

I am the same age as you and my children live here but not near me so I do not see a lot of them. I have considered moving to be closer etc but its stories such as yours that make me stay in familiar comfortable home and territory. I am a widow so its even harder. However I take the view they have their lives and I love them dearly but I need my own bit of life that is left and for that reason I am sticking in my pond.

[KALINDA]

Life is too short.......doesn't matter who is at fault...........someone has to say sorry or whatever.....whether its right or wrong as the elder statesman youre hubby should bite his tongue and do the deed for the good of all and sort it out before any move

 

All this happened last November and since that time I have met with my daughter-in-law and the meeting was very sad and I hoped I put our case without being too harsh on her...however, my husband was the 'victim' in the situation and it was not very nice!! Can't and don't want to go into too much detail here. Time has passed and she did send a card to apologise for her behaviour and wanted to make amends etc...consequently my husband met with her and our son to hopefully go part way in a reconciliation...but it all went pear-shaped!! ....and hubby is now hell-bent on returning to the U.K. I have to point out that she has also treated her own mother badly and banned her from having the children ...and that was five years ago. We have been fortunate, thus far to be involved with the children on a regular basis but apparently we have not had them enough and exactly when it has suited madam! It is all a bit complicated and maybe we should have lived further away from them instead of 15 mins walk away which has suited both families very well until now. Our son is very much the 'piggy in the middle' here and I think is trying to keep peace and hoping it will all blow over...maybe it will...we will see.

[KALINDA]

Petals....I wish we had had the sense to settle just a little further away from than the 15 mins walk as at present. It has served us well while the children were younger as we were on hand regularly to share magical times with them. This problem has been going on since last November when the outburst occurred. The main victim in the onslaught was my husband ... and without going into detail it was pretty nasty. He is a very gentle, quiet man but when he is hurt it goes deep, especially when it all happened out of the blue...apparently she felt that we were not giving enough of our time to the children inspite of having them for days and sleep-overs on regular occasions since their birth. Naturally now that they are at school it is not so easy to have such regular contact as they have their own little lives to lead among their friends etc. When we came here in 2007 we came with the intention of making a lives for ourselves, independent of them so as not to crowd their space if you know what I mean....we have become volunteers, play bowls, have made good buddies here and travelled quite a bit....but we have got it all wrong apparently...up to now we thought what a wonderful life we were having, family close by, good quality of life etc...sad eh?

[Mike@Bonbeach]

We too are in our mid 70's, came out here on the CPV in 2007. Three out of our four pensions have remained the same since then. Funnily enough only last week I said to Connie that if the GBPound falls any further we should consider moving back.

The main benefits would be that 2 out of 3 pensions would immediately be upgraded, the sale of our house here would easily allow us to buy in the UK,(just about anywhere except maybe the SE), and we would not be paying Aussie Tax. I think the UK tax allowance is more favourable. And of course we would get the AOS bond money back.

The negatives of course outweigh all those benefits as we have no children in the UK or lovely grandchildren, whereas here we have two granddaughters 4 and 5 years and grandson just over 2.

Good luck with what ever decision you make.

Mike

[Wa7]

You do what you feel is right for you and your husband, don't let emotional blackmail get in the way, you know what has happened and nobody here does so if you both feel it's best to return to uk you do that with no guilt.

[Quoll]

I cannot stand emotional blackmail and it appears that you are the victims of it - you do what YOU want to in life not what someone else thinks you should do. In your husband's shoes I would be doing the same! Your poor son, has to live with this! Good luck with your decision making.

[KALINDA]

I cannot stand emotional blackmail and it appears that you are the victims of it - you do what YOU want to in life not what someone else thinks you should do. In your husband's shoes I would be doing the same! Your poor son, has to live with this! Good luck with your decision making.

 

Thanks for that .... you are right our son will have to live with this..he is a good and sensitive son who does a tough job as an Intensive Care Nurse and I feel so sad for him but his little family must remain his priority just now. We are still in contact with him and see him at least once a week with the children ...so sad though that we no longer have family gatherings. It was all such a bolt from the blue..no indications that there were troubles brewing. We are back in the U.K. for our planned holiday this summer so will have an opportunity to test the waters a bit. Whatever our final decision I know it is going to be tough and heart rending.

[Petals]

Petals....I wish we had had the sense to settle just a little further away from than the 15 mins walk as at present. It has served us well while the children were younger as we were on hand regularly to share magical times with them. This problem has been going on since last November when the outburst occurred. The main victim in the onslaught was my husband ... and without going into detail it was pretty nasty. He is a very gentle, quiet man but when he is hurt it goes deep, especially when it all happened out of the blue...apparently she felt that we were not giving enough of our time to the children inspite of having them for days and sleep-overs on regular occasions since their birth. Naturally now that they are at school it is not so easy to have such regular contact as they have their own little lives to lead among their friends etc. When we came here in 2007 we came with the intention of making a lives for ourselves, independent of them so as not to crowd their space if you know what I mean....we have become volunteers, play bowls, have made good buddies here and travelled quite a bit....but we have got it all wrong apparently...up to now we thought what a wonderful life we were having, family close by, good quality of life etc...sad eh?

 

Seems to be you are having a wonderful life and have nothing to feel guilty about. If you have good friends they are often more family than family due to age etc. We cannot live our lives just for family and more particulary children. We only have one life and we have brought up our children and yes we want to help but we also want our own lives. Not unpaid baby sitting duty. I have no grandchildren yet and if ever they appear I will love them, support them but I will hand them back and make it known that I am not on call. I need to consult my diary ha ha. My mother in law in UK lived very close to her daughters and us when we were there and she was a widow and made it clear she had done the hard yards bringing up four children and she did not mine occasional baby sitting but not on a regular basis at all. Please do what you want to do not what you think you ought to do. Grandchildren do not need extra parents they need grand parents, the spoilers, the listeners, the comforters and those that they feel they can drop by on their own. Good luck

[ramot]

Seems to be you are having a wonderful life and have nothing to feel guilty about. If you have good friends they are often more family than family due to age etc. We cannot live our lives just for family and more particulary children. We only have one life and we have brought up our children and yes we want to help but we also want our own lives. Not unpaid baby sitting duty. I have no grandchildren yet and if ever they appear I will love them, support them but I will hand them back and make it known that I am not on call. I need to consult my diary ha ha. My mother in law in UK lived very close to her daughters and us when we were there and she was a widow and made it clear she had done the hard yards bringing up four children and she did not mine occasional baby sitting but not on a regular basis at all. Please do what you want to do not what you think you ought to do. Grandchildren do not need extra parents they need grand parents, the spoilers, the listeners, the comforters and those that they feel they can drop by on their own. Good luck

 

What a relief I thought I was the only grandparent who wasn't prepared to bring up the next generation.

The daughter of a very close friend of mine asked both grandmothers if the would look after her 3 small children once a week, my friend said yes, the other said no, said would help out any time in an emergency but wouldn't make a weekly committment.

My friend was appalled, I said she had every right to refuse.

 

I know it is argued that times have changed, but we bought up 3 children and boy were we broke at times, but it never crossed our minds to expect our parents to take over looking after our children, we went without the trappings of life that are so necessary these days, and in lots of cases managed on one wage.

[robfromdublin]

In previous generations it was a lot easier to survive on one wage with one parent able to stay at home. In lots of countries that's a luxury now, hence the importance of affordable childcare.

 

We asked my wife's parents would they look after our child once a week and they said no for the reasons already posted by others. We totally accepted that and now when our daughter gets to stay with them it's a real treat and she loves it, as do the grandparents. They have gone out of their way on many occasions to help us out and our relationship has not been affected either by us asking or by them saying no. OP, it's your life, don't feel guilty about doing what you want.

[Quoll]

What a relief I thought I was the only grandparent who wasn't prepared to bring up the next generation.

The daughter of a very close friend of mine asked both grandmothers if the would look after her 3 small children once a week, my friend said yes, the other said no, said would help out any time in an emergency but wouldn't make a weekly committment.

My friend was appalled, I said she had every right to refuse.

 

I know it is argued that times have changed, but we bought up 3 children and boy were we broke at times, but it never crossed our minds to expect our parents to take over looking after our children, we went without the trappings of life that are so necessary these days, and in lots of cases managed on one wage.

 

Nope I'm with you! We have 3 grandchildren and much as I love them we aren't surrogate parents and will definitely stand up in an emergency but not regular baby sitters. We did the hard yards too and I'm bemused at the lack of independence demonstrated by many young folk!

[aussiederek]

Very interesting to read about others considering a move back to the UK in their senior years. My wife and I are in our mid 70s and although having lived in Perth for 30 years, Perth will never be home to me. My wife has settled better and considers this as home now, although I notice how much she enjoys being back in our native Northern Ireland during our frequent holidays! Looking at what is best for those twilight years, for me it is definitely Northern Ireland where I feel 'at home' and where I want to be. My other half is not so keen as she has some health issues and the NHS just doesn't work in NI. (Glad to read it is OK in other parts of the UK!) One of my main concerns is health care and the availability of private cover at our age (75). We have always had private health cover since coming to Perth and enjoyed the best that medical science can offer in the most up-to-date hospitals. We consider our total contribution to health care here to be very reasonable. Any information on private health cover in the UK at our age would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[Zack]

Your as old as you feel.We are returning to the Uk.I'm 78 and my wife is 75. We have decided we can't afford to live in Australia.As far as Health Care Goes, you are better off in the Uk,the older you get the more your health deteriorates.The Health care in Australia isn't as good as the UK.Plus it's a fact that aged people are dying in Australia waiting on long long waiting lists.It's a long wait even to see a specialist. I was told when i went to the Dentists,that i should get a pallet made.But the wait was 5 years.I was lucky i only waited 4 years.Now my wife and i have to have our cateracts done,There's a waiting list of 7 years,or pay $6000 for each eye,we may be both dead by then.Friends in the UK ,say come back and get it done for free in 6 weeks,another friend has just had a hip replaced for free, very little waiting time.We arrived in Australia in 1986,it's gone on a steady down hill trend. Now that the mining boom is over,Things here are going to get really bad.The Liberals wasted the Countries wealth,they never diversified. Now they are borrowing $100 million a day to stay afloat.And Spending like drunken Sailors.What on Earth do the Liberals want to Spend $448 Billion On Submarines and a few boats for?They could never defend Australia.Besides who wants it? When the Housing Market crashes here,it will be Armageddon.It's time to go before the $ crashes.