desperate to return to uk but partner not wanting to at all

[Franky84]

Im in a pickle!! -

My partner and I are both British and met on our travels in Oz 5years ago.

He was sponsored by his job and therefore I went as his defacto on a 457 visa. After 3 years together we were granted our permanent residency.

 

I was happy to spend my life in Australia and although I missed my family and friends I did not want to live back in the Uk.

 

I fell pregnant early 2013 and after a 2 week trip back the Uk in March, I really felt a huge pull and desire to go back to be able to bring the baby up with its family and our friends for support.

I felt so scared that I wasnt going to have any help.

 

When our son arrived, I struggled - my partner worked very long hrs and I ended up alone and calling my mum upset almost everyday. I have a few friends in Sydney but none of them had children and really knew what I was going through.

I ended up with depression and I am still suffering with it to this day.

I told my partner I was missing my family terribly repeatedly and suggested we think about moving back.

I always got the cold shoulder from him for a while then brushed it off.

In May this year I went through a bad period with my depression so my partner suggested I go visit the Uk with our son to see the family.

We headed back for 3 weeks and I felt so happy and like my old self again. I actually had a life away from just being a mum and it was so good to have help and support

 

My partner figured this would cure my depression and i would come back a happy different person, but of course that was not the case. I told him things have changed so much and life is different now we had our son and I want to back in England.

 

Now things have just fallen apart.

He told me he would hate me for making him go back and that I would ruin his life he worked so hard for. He said he would go back just for our son.

Ive been made to feel such a terrible person for wanting this and I dont know what to do. Every time I bring it up we argue and then we don't speak for days.

I dont feel happy in Australia anymore and havent for a while but if we move back I lose my partner and have him resent me.

 

Has anyone any advise or been in a similar situation???

 

Thanks

[Marisawright]

I fell pregnant early 2013 and after a 2 week trip back the Uk in March, I really felt a huge pull and desire to go back to be able to bring the baby up with its family and our friends for support.

I felt so scared that I wasnt going to have any help.

 

 

 

He told me he would hate me for making him go back and that I would ruin his life he worked so hard for. He said he would go back just for our son.

Ive been made to feel such a terrible person for wanting this and I dont know what to do.

 

 

 

You are not alone - far from it. I don't have children myself, but I've seen this happen so many times. Having a baby is a transformational experience, and I've known many women suddenly feel a strong desire to be with family - even if pre-baby, they barely gave their relatives a second thought!

 

Often it's not so much the need for family per se, but the need for support of any kind. As you say, in Australia you don't get any "life away from just being a mum". Is there anything you could do to give yourself more freedom or get more support while staying in Australia?

[Chortlepuss]

Certainly not alone. Time to start talking an negotiating. My hubby was dead against returning - I was all for jumping on plane. Went home for 5 months and depression and loneliness lifted. You are at a time when support systems are dearly needed but as a young mum it is easier to make friends than for many with mum & bub classes etc. In your place I'd negotiate an annual holiday for you and an agreed timescale including getting citizenship in return for an agreed return date....

[CaptainR]

I would say this is quite normal. You'll often hear expats say that their lives revolve around their children, you become very focused as a small family unit and have to operate in a completely different way then you may have done before. When my children were born we had similar issues and the first time we temporarily moved back to my wifes home town and the second time had my mother in law come to live with us for 6 months (thankfully she is a wonderful MIL). The first 12-18 months are the hardest, and were the time when my wife found it tough for sure. However even now, we've been in Oz less then a year and haven't been out once without the children yet because with my son just turning 4 we don't trust anyone yet with them. It's not easy, and its a lifestyle choice that you have to make. The shock of your life suddenly no longer being your own, your wings being clipped, and being away from any family network isn't easy. I would say though, if you loved Oz before the baby was born, then you may be able to find a solution that works for you both. Perhaps consider a temporary move to be closer to your parents, even if its just yourself for a few months whilst you get through the most difficult times. Alternatively, depending on the situation, would one of your parents consider coming across for an extended holiday if you paid for it? Perhaps that might alleviate the situation. For your husband, it will take him time to realise how difficult life is for you, and always to realise that both of your lives are changed forever.

[Guest]

Hello and welcome

 

Having a baby is a huge thing and often sends women who live a long way away from their loved ones into a downward spiral. You think all is fine and dandy and then once the baby is here feelings change. Sometimes they change beforehand. Its a natural thing to feel a pull to having Mum or loved ones closer and I think many men perhaps cannot relate or understand where women are coming from in how they feel about this. Sure some cope fine, but many others do not. More so with the first than with subsequent children perhaps.

 

Post natal depression is a cow. No ifs and buts, its horrible. Perhaps you are not out of the woods with it yet. Or you could be struggling with that and situational depression which is of course linked.

 

I don't think anyone is going to come out of this without feeling hurt and resentment, wherever you end up. Your partner is obviously happy with life in Aus and has no desire to move back to the UK and until after you had the baby, he thought you were happy to be there also. Then the goalposts moved for you and by extension him.

 

Be aware that if you return to the UK together, as a couple, it may be the end of your relationship and then there is the fall out for working out things so your son is able to spend time with you both and so on. It may be however that you can work through things and come out the other side, that your OH finds the UK isn't so bad and actually settles well. I feel for the little one in all of this although he is blissfully unaware, that is at least something.

 

I think if perhaps you were more on top of the depression it would perhaps not impact so much on how much you are missing or needed support from loved ones. Even a friendly face can make a huge difference in the day of a new mum with PND. Its not so much you don't want to be in Aus it seems, more that you want the support from family around you and to not be just a mum. This can define us for a fair while when we have a baby, the being 'just a Mum'. It takes a while to get your head round that your life revolves around that little person and even a trip to the loo is a race against the clock and a shower before noon a distant memory on more days than you care to remember.

 

Have you gotten out to mum and baby groups? Play groups? anything like that to meet other Mums. I made a really good friend this way when I had my son. I met other Mums also but really hit it off with one mum who like me was not from the area and had no family anywhere near by nor any other good friends. We helped each other out, met up, did stuff with the kids and it gave me a real boost. It didn't solve all my woes, nothing could do that but it gave me a feeling of being a bit more normal, not stuck at home all the time and I had someone else to talk with, to share the day to day inane stuff with, someone else who got it, knew what I was going through.

 

I think you perhaps need to try to see if you can make things better for you there before heading back to the UK. Don't see the UK as a magic fix right now as I think depression can cloud lots of things. Sure it was lovely, I don't doubt that, but consider that its possibly really only a place you want to be because of your family and because you are a new mum who wants some support. Do you really envision being there long term, living there for years or is it just to help get you over this period in your life? Either way, be sure of what it is you are chasing as you have your own family now and in my book you need to think of them also, as hard as it may seem. See if there are ways you can improve things together here, to get you the help and support you seem to need, to see if it can make a difference.

 

My hubby and I were in a similar boat as you in many ways. Only we were in the UK, a long way from my parents, his family all in Aus. I however never wanted to return to the family home town or be closer to them than we were. I battled PND for 2.5 years before I was out the other side. I sought support and help from the health professionals, mums I met at baby groups, hubby and so on. I knew deep down I never wanted to return to just be close to my parents so I had them on hand, to give me time off or baby sit, I hated where I lived and left as soon as I was able, so going back, no, never on the cards. Yes it would have been lovely to have their help more but honestly, I got through it, we all did. We now live in Aus. Although living it at the time was a bit of a living hell, looking back, I'd not do it differently as it would have meant hubby having to quit a great job to move to an area with far less job prospects and pay, to live in a crappy town I hate.. nah, I'd do what I did over. But of course, that is me. How you feel about those things will of course be different, but consider them carefully as you've a lot at stake. You said you didn't want to live back in the UK and were happy in Aus. A baby changed this but a year or two down the line, things can change again. How you feel now, with depression and wanting to be near family might not be how you feel in 12 months time.

[Quoll]

I think I'd be popping off to see my GP if I were you. PND is insidious and is a bugger, as is situational depression and they can be helped (if not cured) through therapies and/or medication. Your big decision is not whether you go and live in UK or no but whether your relationship is worth the effort of saving. If this is the bloke you want to grow old beside then you are probably going to have to knuckle down and get on with it. Raising kids on your own as a small family unit on the other side of the world from your family and extended support network is very very hard - I've done it and, fortunately at that time had no desire to return to UK (that came much later!). You really do have to be selfish and independent in spades.

 

It may be worth looking at marriage counselling so you can come to some sense of compromise as a couple - could you cope with a yearly trip back that he undertakes to fund perhaps? Would he agree to living in UK if your commitment was to fund a visit back for him? Could you commit to 2 yrs in Aus then re-evaluate and he agrees to move if needed? There may be something that you both agree with.

 

You may want to check the sticky on removing kids from Australia too - ultimately he will have the upper hand because all he has to do is withhold his permission for you to leave with your child and you are well and truly trapped.

 

I wish you luck! Feeling trapped is really soul destroying!

[Guest The Pom Queen]

Franky I am so sorry to hear this. If you have a read of the forum you will see that you aren't alone.

As others have said PND is nightmares.

You have a lot of thinking to do.

The main one is do you love your husband? I am not wanting you to share the answer with us but it is something you need to ask yourself.

If you moved back and he didn't return would you be even more depressed?

Have you thought of trying to go back for a longer period and see how you feel being away from your husband.

There is a member on here who has returned and her husband didn't want to, hopefully she may pm you and tell you how it's going.

I think my own husband would return if anything happens to me but he knows whilst I'm here I don't want to go back ever. Australia is my home and I can't imagine living anywhere else. If he put his foot down and said he wanted to move back now, I suppose I would have to go back, although I know I would be very unhappy and make his life miserable :wink:

[Gbye grey sky]

As a father of one I have a male perspective on this which is very likely to be flawed. When we had our daughter we had no support from family at all despite being in the same country (though not local). This happens a lot and it seems that the lack of a support structure is probably a tipping factor for PND to really take over. For this reason I feel that the father must step up here and share parental responsibilities as far as possible. My OH went back to work when our daughter passed her first birthday. Whilst there are inevitable feelings of guilt because initially the earnings really did little more than cover the extra costs it meant that my wife's sole focus was not our daughter and I had to share parental responsibilities (quite rightly in my view).

 

And I can honestly say that my daughter has not been harmed by it. She is nearly 11 and really close to her mum but also very good at socialising with other children. My wife had no PND and I feel in retrospect it was because we were and are a team.

 

I feel that you are looking to the UK for support chiefly because you are not getting the support you need from your OH. And I suspect he does not realise that. Too many men still fall into the trap IMO of thinking that their prime contribution should be to work harder and bring more money in because of the new baby which again, IMO, is the opposite of what they should do especially if there is no support network.

 

I think you should try marriage guidance counselling first as I tend to think that a forced move back will break up your marriage and staying where you are without some changes by your partner things will not improve for a long time.

[Franky84]

Thank you all for your thoughts and feedback. Yes i have joined my local playgroup and am getting to know a few mums but it hasnt made me feel I want to stay anymore.

We are not married but I have suggested we go and see a relationship counsellor. Might be good to air everything out with someone who is un - biased and doesn't know us. Then we can go from there with our next step.

F

[Jojo29]

Hi, I have 3 little ones, I move to sydney 1 St Jan, my other half is already there working. I will be at home with two of the kids whilst the third is in school, if you fancy meeting up. I also know another british mum who has just moved there too, she has similar things going on in her life too as you Jo xx

[Jennifer Shields]

As an old Mum and now Grandma I remember how you feel now and it will take some outside help for your partner and you to see the bigger picture.Australia is just a place you live what comes first is your family unit.

Missing your family and friends is all normal and the overpowering feeling of being alone is normal after having a baby and there is no time span on how long that feeling will take to change.

Meet other Mums and see if someone would baby sit or if you can afford it join Fernwood fitness centre getting fit with other women will help how you feel.The nursery there is very good and you could go every day for 20 min work out will make you feel in more control of yourself.

Every women need 20 mins of ME time.They also do Yoga classes and maybe take up a hobby ...or start a group at your local centre.Librarys have Toy Time where Mums and Dads meet kids play and have story time...and remember your not alone we are here for you.....

[aliasp]

I have exactly the same issue. been in Australia 13 years and now have 3 young kids. desperate to move back to UK but my Aussie wife won't entertain it at all. we get no family support from her family whatsoever, my family are exact opposite and would give any help we ever needed.

 

after so long here and wanting my family to see the kids grow up I desperately want to go back, I feel increasingly trapped and lonely and I'm getting very depressed as a result. I really don't know where to turn.

[Gbye grey sky]

I have exactly the same issue. been in Australia 13 years and now have 3 young kids. desperate to move back to UK but my Aussie wife won't entertain it at all. we get no family support from her family whatsoever, my family are exact opposite and would give any help we ever needed.

 

after so long here and wanting my family to see the kids grow up I desperately want to go back, I feel increasingly trapped and lonely and I'm getting very depressed as a result. I really don't know where to turn.

 

What help do you feel that you are needing/lacking? Are you able to have your family to visit or make regular trips to the UK for holidays?

 

Did you marry an Aussie in Australia? If so what was the original understanding that you had about where the children would be brought up?

[Jennifer Shields]

Sorry to hear your so unhappy.Would your wife not agree to a 3 week holiday to show her what you feel you are all missing in your lives here in Australia?When you feel low and family back home miss you its hard to see the positives living here no doubt worse by it being so near Christmas.

Apart from your family back home have you made any mates here ? I know it is very hard been here 11 yrs and my husband loves the life here but as for mates its not really that sort of country unless you are a club or sport minded.Our youngest Son would go home tomorrow and I think in time he will....but like you he has two children.

 

Please do not think you are alone.if you need to chat to someone please send us a private message with your email or phone no and my husband will chat to you,or if your local we can meet up.

[Quoll]

I have exactly the same issue. been in Australia 13 years and now have 3 young kids. desperate to move back to UK but my Aussie wife won't entertain it at all. we get no family support from her family whatsoever, my family are exact opposite and would give any help we ever needed.

 

after so long here and wanting my family to see the kids grow up I desperately want to go back, I feel increasingly trapped and lonely and I'm getting very depressed as a result. I really don't know where to turn.

 

I guess I'd say the same to you as to the OP - head off to Relationships Australia and thrash out a workable compromise position. Being trapped is the pits, been there and done that one. Even the nicest and best of partners sometimes just don't get the enormity of the impact of situational depression - heck, even I didn't see the enormity of it and I had it in spades although I knew about it from the academic text books. Mixed marriages are always, by definition going to leave one of you displaced and the art of a good compromise is that you share that displacement over time. My Aussie DH once told me that although I was depressed in Aus HE would be depressed if he had to live in UK and no way would he be going to live THERE!! Fast forward 3 years and he could see that my parents needed care and I am an only child so he suggested we head back to live with them and support them. He's as happy as a pig in mud from all appearances and most certainly not depressed so it may well be that your wife might commit to a period in UK on the understanding that you will return at some point.

 

Hang in and talk about it, see what compromise you can reach. It may be that you don't solve the problem of being trapped but at least you will regain some control. At the end of the day, either place is just a country and you can't cuddle a country. People first!

[andromeda9]

feel sad for you what do you do???? hope you make the right decision but sadly your not going to be happy either way for a while, give it a good shot in Australia now you have your son,with the thought you can always go back as you did for a visit,through your boy you are going to meet more mums and feel better see how it goes

[mygirlies]

Time.... time is so important. And although It doesn't make the present any easier, it means we are free to make conscious decisions and no make mistakes.

 

Although different, I do empathise. I suffer from clinical depression. My Daughters dad also from the UK... got up and walked out. I have no family here, one my dad in the UK. No friends, no partner to help. No support etc. And my daughter has disabilities. It isn't easy but honest I get by with the thoughts of how lucky I am (having my daughter, food in my belly etc) the simple things. And knowing there is always someone worse off than me, makes me appreciate what I do have. Changes are forever upon us. So try and embrace what you have right now.

[aliasp]

Time.... time is so important. And although It doesn't make the present any easier, it means we are free to make conscious decisions and no make mistakes.

 

Although different, I do empathise. I suffer from clinical depression. My Daughters dad also from the UK... got up and walked out. I have no family here, one my dad in the UK. No friends, no partner to help. No support etc. And my daughter has disabilities. It isn't easy but honest I get by with the thoughts of how lucky I am (having my daughter, food in my belly etc) the simple things. And knowing there is always someone worse off than me, makes me appreciate what I do have. Changes are forever upon us. So try and embrace what you have right now.

 

lovely post, My heart goes out to you. x

[Jennifer Shields]

Modern meds for depression are very different form 10 yrs ago .Depression is an illness that with one small tab a day make life easier.My daughter law has Bi-pola before meds she could not cope now she is a loving mother and enjoys life to the full.So please see your GP better to make decisions with a clear mind than go home disrupt everyone life and find your still not happy.Wish you all the best for the future.

[Rose Fuller]

There is a member on here who has returned and her husband didn't want to, hopefully she may pm you and tell you how it's going.

 

 

I was in the same position, although we have only been back 3 months so early days for us. I have private messages the member who started this post.

[aliasp]

how have you found it rose? does it feel the right decision, or still to early to say?

[Rose Fuller]

how have you found it rose? does it feel the right decision, or still to early to say?

 

its still early days, however it doesn't seem to be living up to the pedestal I put it on! I do think it was right in as far as I've now had my baby (8th nov) and it has been lovely to have friends and family around, but the place seems run down. It also seems very crowded everywhere. I guess I must have started to settle in oz and not realized it! It's been nice to see my oldest son who returned to the UK before us, especially for my middle child who really missed his brother. My middle child has settled back into his old class and is happy to be home. Hubby hates being back, he is regularly stuck in traffic on the m25 traveling to/from work and really wished we weren't here and thinks we've made the biggest mistake in returning, and being back just reinforces all of the reasons we left. It is actually a year ago today we left for oz so he's not happy today! We have our beautiful baby though, and have given ourselves a year (length of our lease) to see how we all feel and if we think we have done the right thing it if we should try again less my pregnancy hormones! I'm a little wary as I did really struggle and am also mindful that it will be hard for my middle son who never really settled (albeit we were only there 9 months). Kids are resilient but not that resilient so I'd need to be sure I was going to make a real effort. Plus we have spent so much money shipping stuff to oz, then back to UK. Plus flights each time. Buying cars etc. it could be financial suicide!

 

What at I would say with Insight is that I wish I'd been braver, tried a little harder, but homesickness and being pregnant was not a good mix. Who knows what the future holds, but I would say oz is not a closed door for us.

[Perthbum]

When you get back to oz the reasons you left will still be there and within 6 months you will want to go back to the UK......this is ping pong which happens to so many.

[Rose Fuller]

When you get back to oz the reasons you left will still be there and within 6 months you will want to go back to the UK......this is ping pong which happens to so many.

 

That's the danger....which is why I would never recommend emigrating if anyone ever asked me!! I was happy in the UK before we emigrated, life was good. Now no home, less equity, seeing faults in the country that I didn't see before. Family split over who wants to be where. Early days for us. I wish I'd had a crystal ball!

[Marisawright]

That's the danger....which is why I would never recommend emigrating if anyone ever asked me!! I was happy in the UK before we emigrated, life was good. Now no home, less equity, seeing faults in the country that I didn't see before. Family split over who wants to be where. Early days for us. I wish I'd had a crystal ball!

 

This is why I always shudder when I see some of the people who are coming to Australia today. Years ago, people migrated to Australia because life was really hard in Britain and Australia offered more opportunities. These days, the battlers in the UK can't afford to migrate (or can't qualify), so it's people who already have a good life in Britain who do it - which is crazy, because Australia doesn't offer anything better, it's just different.