Leaving adult children behind

EvieB · 17-03-2008, 09:16 PM

I am hoping that someone will be able reassure me about something that is worrying me sick. We have only just started the process to apply for a residents visa but I am already worrying about my eldest son (from a previous marriage). Although he is 27, he still lives with us – or rather he did leave home but returned about 18 months ago. I have spoken to him about us going to Australia and he seems fine about it – he has been talking about coming out at the same time on a one/two year working visa. The reason I am worried is that he does not have a good track record with money – the reason he came home was because he got himself in a mess with his rent and bills although we didn’t know that at the time. He now has a bad credit rating. Of course, if we move to Australia, we will be selling his home from under him. On the other hand, I do feel that it is about time he took responsibility for himself without us bailing him out (we have done this before, in the past). He is not lazy – on the contrary he works very hard – but does not have a skill that would enable him to move to Australia permanently. Half the time I feel so guilty for wanting to leave (leaving him effectively homeless) the other half I feel it may be the making of him. When he doesn’t have us to fall back on, maybe he will sort himself out. I have told him that he has 18 months – 2 years to pay his debts and start to take responsibility for himself, but what if his credit rating is still bad? He may literally be homeless. I am sorry this post is so long, but I am wondering if someone else has been in this position? I even find it hard to talk to my husband because he doesn’t have children and doesn’t understand the guilt.

KazzE · 17-03-2008, 09:35 PM

Hi EvieB

not in quite the same situation but I am facing the possiblity of at least one of my children staying in the UK when we go to Oz as are quite a few of us on here.

I think you need to have a good talk with him, be clear with him about what you are doing and what support you can or would be able to give him

Are you supporting him now? is he paying 'rent' even if he has depts to pay off he still needs to take responsibility for looking after himself, if he was not staying with you he would have pay rent and buy food etc - even if you save it up and give it to him when you leave for Oz it will hopefully help him to learn to budget etc

sorry gone on a bit, I am sure you have thought of this already, it does not matter how old they are, they will always be our children and we will always want to help them out.

take care

gilliantay · 17-03-2008, 10:54 PM

Hi EvieB
I am one of the mothers who will be leaving children behind...3 of them. Although they are now adults, to me they are still my kids.
They are all over 20 but it doesn't matter what age they are, you still feel the need to protect and care for them.
The youngest of the 3 has recently had a big asthma scare (hospitalised) and put the fear of god into me and had me questioning my reasons for moving to OZ. It is strange because she holds no fear and is actively encouraging our move as are the other two.
Hope everything works out for you and your son.

Gill

ali · 17-03-2008, 11:01 PM

Hi, I'm sure Jo will reply to this thread as she left adult children behind, it must be terribly difficult for you,

Ali

Edinburger · 18-03-2008, 12:04 AM

I think you are correct that it's the best thing for him. A 27 year old is perfectly abnle to take care of themselves and if they can't then they need to learn fast. The longer you do everything for him and bail him out everytime he makes a mistake the more he'll rely on you and the less he'll do for himself.

Helping him out every now and then and still behaving as if he's a dependent are two entirely different things.

Stuju · 18-03-2008, 01:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EvieB

but I am already worrying

Quote:

I even find it hard to talk to my husband because he doesn’t have children and doesn’t understand the guilt.

Hi Evieb
Like many others i can understand how you feel & also the guilt side of things - i have left 2 daughters in the uk aged 21 & 18 and although i have one daughter here in oz with me who is 14 that does not make it any easier. For a very long time (& i still do but not quite so badly) i thought i must be the worst mother in the world - who would up sticks to the other side of the world and leave kids behind ?? !!! yep i did.
Although i dont think i will ever get over them being so far away and i will never stop missing them, time does make things easier to cope with.
I can also understand how you feel that your hubby dosent understand the guilt - as my 2nd hubby has no children either and it is hard for him to understand the feelings that i have, the guilt and everything else that goes along with the situation.
I also think that the majority of women are often more sensitive when it comes to children - apron strings and all that.
With your son now being the age he is and what problems he has had in the past with credit etc - without sounding cruel perhaps this will be the kick up the bum as you sound that this is what you feel he needs.
When all is said & done where ever you are in the world im sure your son will always know that you are there for him - the world may be a big place & you both may feel that you are going to be so far away from each other - but in many ways you won't be.
Wishing you all the best
pm me anytime if you wish
gizmo x

EvieB · 18-03-2008, 09:00 AM

Thank you all so much - I am not sure if you realise just how much you have helped me. I haven't really spoken to anyone about it and it has gone round and round in my head so putting it into words and hearing about your experiences is such a relief. We do make him pay house-keeping and if he borrows from us we make him pay it back (although we haven't always in the past...) so maybe we are on the right road. I hope I haven't made him sound like a terrible person because he is far from it - he just lost his way a bit. I partly blame his real father who has always used money handouts and expensive gifts instead of time and attention. Thanks again - where would we be without this site??

koala12 · 18-03-2008, 09:12 AM

Hi Evie
I totally understand how you feel. When I moved out here 18 months ago with my (2nd) husband I left behind my youngest daughter who didn't want to move here with us - she is now 23 and I felt like the worst mother in the world for selling her home from under her and in a way forcing her to fend for herself. I still pay towards her monthly rent as she can't manage on her own but I can't carry on doing this for much longer....she needs to get a better paid job but is finding it hard. The thing that makes me so frustrated is that she has been out here on holiday in the past and also for 3 1/2 months since we have emigrated and absolutely loves the place but still can't bring herself to leave her friends - I know if she came over she would have a far better life as my eldest daughter does. It is a very hard decision to make and no matter how many times people tell you that you are entitled to your own life and the 'kids' should stand on their own two feet it's not easy and only those of us who have been there can understand....
Take care....Karen

Stuju · 18-03-2008, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EvieB

Thank you all so much - I am not sure if you realise just how much you have helped me. I haven't really spoken to anyone about it and it has gone round and round in my head so putting it into words and hearing about your experiences is such a relief. We do make him pay house-keeping and if he borrows from us we make him pay it back (although we haven't always in the past...) so maybe we are on the right road. I hope I haven't made him sound like a terrible person because he is far from it - he just lost his way a bit. I partly blame his real father who has always used money handouts and expensive gifts instead of time and attention. Thanks again - where would we be without this site??

Hi Evieb,
No we dont think of your son as a terrible person - he is just like the rest of us only human and we all make mistakes.We all loose our way sometimes even us mums & dads - we are all hear to support each other whatever our dilemmas are.
Take care & have a great day
gizmo x

rosie100 · 18-03-2008, 09:45 PM

Hi EvieB, i am in a similar place to you right now in that i will be leaving 2 children behind. Neither of them are self supporting at the moment but they will have to fend for themselves when we go. They are over 20 but still financially dependent on us. I do feel for you and know exactly how you feel. People have helped me understand that you have to do what is right for you and your son will be OK if you give him a chance. You have to trust him to do the right thing and i'm sure he will be fine.
Best Wishes
Rosie