Unhappy hubby

[Jupiter]

Hi everyone,

I've just joined this great site as a member having spent hours reading some of the whole range of issues which are thrown into the air. I'm just hoping someone out there might have had a similar issue as I currently find myself in? (Apologies in advance as it is a long story).

I met a great Kiwi 4 years ago and we married 2 1/2 years ago (both second time round) - we are both early 40's. He had come to the UK for a year and stayed on once he met me but always stressed that he knew he wouldn't be able to live here long term. Knowing this upfront was great and I committed (very happily) to moving to Oz or NZ with him one day. Also in the equation are my two teenage daughters who, having rebuilt a relationship with their dad, absolutely don't want to move away from Surrey leaving other close family and really good friends behind. My hope has always been that they will change their minds and move with us, but with the knowledge that one day in the future when they are older (they are currently 14 and 16) they could choose to stay in England with their dad (which would break my heart as we are very close).

Current position - hubby is becoming increasingly very very depressed with life in the UK. Not only the grey, cold weather but the culture, crime etc etc (everything that lots of you mention on this site). Essentially the only thing that he is staying here for is me. I am currently sticking to my view that to force the girls to come with us now a) would not win their own dad's agreement (which he has given if they are happy to go) and b) would leave us with two really unhappy teenagers who, although they are great kids could turn into a nightmare. Am I wrong - should I just say we're going now and trust that they will come?

It is getting to the point where it is just not fair for him to have to stay here but it may mean that we have to live on the opposite sides of the world for a few years.

Has anyone else had the same problem - and how did they manage it? We really do have a great marriage which I don't want to see vanish.

Any ideas would be so much appreciated - I'm feeling so unhappy about the whole situation right now. Thanks everyone.

[The Ryders]

Sorry to read your problems. Can't help with what it best for you only you guys can sort that out. All I would say is that what ever you decide try to commit to it 100% with no what if's or you may find yourself in your hubby's shoe's on the other side of the world. Good Luck..

[Banoff]

Hi

What an awful situation to be in. My 15 year old is not to happy about the prospect of oz but at least she has no choice in the matter as my OH who is also her father is also going.

Good luck Jan

[koala12]

Hi,
I can sympathise with you! I met an Aussie (long story so won't go into it here!) about 7 years ago and he came over to UK to live with me and we got married nearly 5 years ago (also second marriage). He was never 100% happy in UK but had a reasonable job but he missed his kids who were in Oz and when he had 2 grandchildren obviously felt he was missing out on them growing up. We had 2 holidays over here and I absolutely loved the place and then we started talking about perhaps moving here....then came my dilemma as I had 2 daughters who are now 24 and 22 as eldest was really keen to come but youngest didn't feel able to take such a big step even though she had been here with us once on holiday and loved it. My ex didn't come into the equation as neither girl has much contact with him so that wasn't a problem. However, we talked it through and eventually decided to make the move hoping that eventually my youngest would come out too....it was a very hard decision and lots of tears were shed and many sleepless nights had! To cut a long story short we arrived here last September and I absolutely love it here, there is nothing about UK I miss other than my parents and my youngest daughter plus a few other family/friends. My youngest came out for 3 months recently and had a fantastic time, made so many friends and I'm hoping that one day she'll come back for more than a holiday. It is a very hard decision to make and I don't envy you your dilemma...

[Stuju]

Hi Jupiter
I can understand how you must be feeling right now & how you may feel torn into trying to please to many people.
It´s the hardest desicion ever to leave children & family on the other side of the world.
I married a aussie citizen in 2003 and we came to oz last aug 06 with my youngest daughter 13 from my first marriage.
I have 2 daughters in the UK aged 20 & 17 who live with their dad and believe me its a very emotional and long road to go down.
Only you can decide what is best for all concerned but i can tell you that,
as a parent we do anything for our kids and sometimes that means putting their happiness first before our own.
Bere in mind that your children are growing up fast & in a few years they could be living anywhere in the world themselves.
You have been given another chance of happiness for your life with your new hubby and sometimes life can be too short.
Someone once said to me (which i now understand) "here there where ever be happy "
It is hard being in Oz without my other girls and i have spent many days in floods of tears, but time is a great healer and each day it gets a little bit eaiser - not that it will ever be easy but each day i can smile a little bit more when i think of them without turning into a emotional wreck.
I wish you so much luck and hope that you can come to the right decision, feel free to pm me if you would like i am more than happy to help in any way.
Take care
Gizmo
(i am a surrey born girl)

[Jupiter]

Thank you all so much. This site is quite amazing!
It helps a lot just knowing that other people have had to deal with similar issues. And thanks Gizmo, I may take you up on your offer - once I work out how to pm!!

[ali]

Is it worth sitting down with your girls and asking them to commit to Aus until they can apply for citizenship, then they will be able to live/work in UK or AUS and have the freedom to travel between the two and spending time with both their parents.

Ali

[KazzE]

Hi,
not in quite the same situation but I do have a nearly 18yr old and 21yr old who are not over the moon about the move (we are so mean making them choose between thier family and thier friends) but they are going to come on our visa and hopefully stay until we gain citizenship, then they will have choices

we have been talking to them about the fact that at different stages we change/lose/gain friends, the 18yr old will be leaving college and going to UNI and the 21yrs old will be completing 3rd yr of UNI (hoping things are in place so that one will start degree and the other will complete masters in OZ) both times when friendships change however much we think we will stay in touch, we drift away from people we are no longer in regular contact with.....

Also hubby keeps saying how will they support themselves if they stay behind, there will only be my brother left in UK and nobody likes my SIL

It's a very hard thing to have to think about but I think the suggestion that they come for the short term with the option to go back when they are older and have citizenship is a good one

Are you and ex able to talk about what is best for the girls? do you think he would be on your side?

Would you able to send them back to UK for regular visits?

My niece who is now 19 went over in the Nov following her GCSE's so she had just started at college and was not happy about the move at all, tried all sorts to stay in UK but went in the end. She had to start back at school as they do not leave school until 18 which again did not go down well,

BUT I asked her the other day if she thought Oz was a good move and she said it was, she loves her lifestyle over there, lots of parties, going out to dinner with her girl friends, even working part time, she does not think she would be getting such a good rate of pay in UK and she has just started Uni which she also thinks is great

She has made lots of new friends and she is still in touch with some of her friends from UK

sorry a ramble, hope it is of some help

[Jupiter]

Thanks again for all your suggestions - they've given me a lot to think about. They have been really helpful and I'm just hoping there will be some light at the end of the tunnel.